Well, it's all over now except for the endless parade of "all-star" contests. We slacked off a bit at the end here, but a man has his limits. After 30 or 40 or 90 something games in three weeks, I hit a wall and just stopped caring. Of course it didn't help that the last two major games of the season ended with almost exactly the same score and the pinnacle of awesomeness in football was reached in the lowly Fiesta Bowl. The only way the championship game could have topped it is if that wrestler's kid from Ohio State decapitated Tebow on a sack, pulled an electric guitar out from under his jersey while amplifiers rose up out of the turf and played a guitar solo so bitchingly sweet that all the Florida fans had their faces melted off and their testicles atomized.

Alas, that didn't happen, and if seeing Florida hoist two championship trophies in the same year wasn't traumatizing enough, the front page of ESPN.com today reads "Chompions." Really. That was the best they could do.

Rather than giving a recap, I decided to give an awards show. Enjoy.

FLORIDA AWARDS

Chris Leak - Derek Jeter "Dreamy Green Eyes" award.
- Come on people, this kid is handsome.

Florida Fans - Paris Hilton "Ungrateful Motherfuckers" award.
- Chris Leak had to endure a coaching change right in the middle of his tenure that led to an offense that he was not built to run. Chris Leak hung in there and led the team to a 13-1 record against one of the hardest schedules I've ever seen. Florida fans screamed all off-season last year for Meyer to start Tebow instead of Leak. The moral of the story is: Florida fans are stupid retards who don't know what's best for them. It would have been sweet justice if Chris Leak hoisted the BCS crystal football, turned to the student section, dropped his pants and pissed all over them. That's all they've done to him for the past 4 years.

Tim Tebow - Martin and Bill Gramatica "Excessive Celebration in the Wake of Miniscule Accomplishments" award
- I've never seen anybody get so damn excited about a 3 yard gain. When he starts playing full time they may need to put a slobber bib on him.

Emmitt Smith - Matthew McConaughey "Hey, my alma mater is in the Championship Game" Award
- Where the fuck was Emmitt Smith in the Ron Zook years? Oh right...he was sucking ass in Arizona so he could stumble his way over Walter Payton's record. What a shit.

Urban Meyer - Steve Spurrier "Eat Shit and Die, Pussy" award.
- Up 34-14 late in the 4th quarter with a 4th and short deep in OSU territory, Meyer goes for it and ultimately gets the touchdown. Shades of the Old Ball Coach's blatant disrespect for his opponent.

ALSO -- Jim Donnan "Transparent Play Calling" award.
- 2nd and goal - in comes Tebow. Tebow under center, rush up the middle (by my count, Tebow had 11 touches, 9 rushes straight up the middle, 1 pass for a TD and one run to his right for a TD...82% of the time, Tebow runs the same play, AND OHIO STATE NEVER STOPPED IT)

ALSO -- Mike Ditka "Screw Over the Heart and Soul of your Franchise for a Dipshit Novelty Act" award.
- Who can forget Ditka not giving the ball to Walter Payton in the '86 Super Bowl and putting the Fridge in the game instead. Payton never scored a Super Bowl touchdown. Meyer continually went to Tebow when close to the goal line, even when the scores were getting meaningless. Leak had 1 TD, Tebow had 2.

OHIO STATE AWARDS

Jim Tressel - Frank Beamer Memorial "Shoot your Team in the Foot by not Punting in Critical Situations" award
- Anyone who watched the '99 championship game between Virginia Tech and Florida State would have a hard time forgetting how Beamer went for it on 4th down twice in the first quarter rather than taking an easy field goal. He didn't make it either time and all the air went right out of Michael Vick and company. VT got stomped. Tressel didn't watch that game, panicked early and went for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30, and guess what happened.

ALSO -- Mr. Rogers "Finger in my Butt Pederast Wardrobe" award.
- It's time to hang up the sweater vest buddy.

ALSO -- Chan Gailey "Let's Keep the Ball Away from the Only Guy Who's Doing Shit" award.
- Pittman had 10 carries for 62 yards, averaging 6.2 per carry. Hard to make much progress with only 10 carries though (to be fair, Florida had the ball almost the whole game and Troy Smith only had 14 pass attempts).

Ted Ginn Jr. - Nick Saban "Gosh Football is Hard" award
- This is one of Jeezy's, and I don't get it.

ALSO -- Brandon Coutu "We're Fucked Without This Guy" award.
- Georgia would have beaten Vanderbilt and Kentucky if Coutu were kicking. Yes, I'm still bitter.

Antonio Gonzalez - Jason Williams "White Chocolate" award.
- What is this guy anyway? He's paler than the underside of Charlie Weiss's FUPA and has the complexion of a 14 year old fat chick who drowns her sorrows in cartons of Rocky Road. Also, I swear I heard the annoucncers say this guy ran a sub 4.3 40 yard dash. No. Fucking. Way.

Antonio Pittman - Marshall Faulk "PLEASE Give me some Fucking Carries" award.
- Anybody remember what happened to the Rams in the 2001 Super Bowl when Mike Martz wouldn't get the ball to Faulk? OSU should.

OSU Defense - JaMarcus Russell "I'm a Confused Retard" award.
- Seriously, Tebow lines up 11 times and runs right at you 9 times and averages almost 4 yards a carry (10 attempts, 39 yards). Here's a hint, when Tebow's in the game, STUFF THE FUCKING MIDDLE.

Troy Smith (aka BIG WINNER!) - Ron Mexico award
- Another of the Jeezy's. He was really drunk last night and I don't know what half of what he said means.

ALSO -- Willis McGahee "Draft Suicide" award.
- If any team takes Troy Smith in the first 2 rounds, they're wasting a pick.

ALSO -- Donovan McNabb "Shit the Bed" award.
- Big game, big pressure, what do you do? Hurl in the huddle or go 4/14 for 35 yards passing and 1 INT.

ALSO -- Jason White "That Guy won the Heisman?" award.
- I was getting really angry when they kept calling Troy Smith "the best player/QB in college football this year." Really, people. He wasn't that good. He had a lot of talent around him (see also: Ken Dorsey).

ANNOUNCER AWARDS

Barry Alvarez - Charlie Weiss "Excellence in the Field of Mantitties" award.
- Because he's fat.

ALSO -- Allen Iverson "We Talkin Bout Practice Captain Obvious" award.
- For mentioning 3 times in the first 5 minutes that practice cannot simulate game conditions. He should know because he used to be a coach! Wowzers!

Thom Brenneman - Harry Carey "What the Fuck Non-Sequitur" award.
- For his comment in the second half that Jack Bauer would be pleased with Florida's performance. There has to be a better way to work a promo in than that.

Other color commentator - Phil Simms "SHUT THE FUCK UP Verbal Diarrhea" award.
- Jesus fucking christ, man...come up for air every once in awhile.

WTF AWARDS

WTF Bio Fact of the Game - Urban Meyer has a Master's degree. Suddenly my pursuit of higher education feels cheapened.

WTF Promotion of the Game - "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I swear to God in the 3rd quarter some woman ran on the field to fetch the tee after a kickoff because she won the "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I kept punching myself in the mansack in the vain hope that I would come to and realize it was all a wacky dream, but my canteloupe sized balls are testiment to its reality.

WTF Doesn't that dude have a life award - To Me. Because I put way too much time and thought into this.

If you behave yourselves, you may get a year-end award wrap up. In fact, unless you pay me $500,000, you're going to get one anyway.

Jeezy won the gambling pool. Or something. I'm going to stick with my story that I stopped giving a shit and my turds are made of solid gold so I don't need this to validate my existence. Take your shallow award and go live your shell of a life young one. You will soon see the folly of your materialistic ways.

ORANGE BOWL PICKS

Lousiville (-10) vs Wake Forest
Over/Under 54

FJ - 50 on Wake Forest to cover
20 on the under

RV - 50 on Wake Forest
40 on the under

BCS GAME PICKS

Jeezy can't get to a working computer so he called in these picks:

50 on Michigan to cover
4o on Boise State to cover

Here's my rundown:

Apparently Michigan and USC are playing a game today. Honestly, ESPN's treatment of this game has been the most shameless, irresponsible piece of journalism I've ever seen. There are FIVE BCS games this year, and to listen to ESPN, the Rose Bowl is the only one. John Saunders keeps saying it feels like a national title game, well of course it does...IT'S ALL ESPN AND ABC ARE TALKING ABOUT. I didn't even know the Oklahoma game was tonight until I saw a schedule on another website a day or two ago.

All that said, I'm not very excited about this matchup. Michigan almost always bores me to tears, as do most Big-10 teams. Michigan looked convincing in one game this year, against a wildly overrated Notre Dame team. They put up a fight against Ohio State, but it's a rivalry game, so throw it out. USC can't seem to get their shit straight. If both teams played to the apex of their talent, USC would walk away with this one. As it is, though, USC has been really really good in BCS games the past few years while Michigan, not so much.

Give me 70 on USC to cover
and I think the USC offense will show up, so give me 40 on the over

FIESTA BOWL

Boise State is in way way way way way over their heads here. I mean, waaaaaaaaaay over their heads. Oklahoma's front line outweighs Boise State by half a ton and Adrian Peterson is back for Oklahoma. Yes, I'm not wild about Peterson, and yes, he is coming back from a very prolonged absence, but he's not playing Ohio State in the title game. Ian Johnson for Boise State looks pretty good against WAC opponents, but Oklahoma makes him look dumb today. Oklahoma controls the clock and stuffs Boise State for a convincing win.

80 on Oklahoma to cover
60 on the UNDER

I've got more to say about what's been going on the past few days, but it'll have to wait for the wrap-up tomorrow.

Oh, and GLORY GLORY MARK FUCKING MAY. EAT A BIG HAIRY DICK.

New Bowls for a Lame New Year - FJ

Running out of timeeeeee!

Auburn -2.5 vs. Nebraska
Over - 47
No Money Line.

I don't have to time to do research on this one.

40 on the Nebraska cover (sorry, favorites haven't been doin that well.)


Wisconsin vs. Arkansas -2
Over - 47

40 on Arkansas cover

Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia -10
Over - 48
Money Line
GT +325
WV -450

Sweet god look at that money line.
30 on the over
20 on the GT Cover

ROSE BOWL
Michigan -2.5 vs. USC
Over - 47


FIESTA BOWL
Boise State vs. Oklahoma -7
Over - 50
Money Line
Boise - +215
Oklahoma - -255

I'll bet on those two later.

Alamo Bowl - FJ

It's gonna be a long day...sigh.

Spread is just too damn high, I'm puttin 40 on the Iowa Cover.

20 on the under.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl

I'm with the Virus

70 on the over.

I'm not feelin' too good about this weekend. Someone get me a drink and a couple quarter pounders.

Car Care Bowl Picks - The Jeez

Kentucky puttin the screws to Baby Bowden's boys? The old ball coach's retarted 4th down call actually working? Minnesota joining Northwestern in the most embarassing blowing of a game in history? Oregon State's 2 point conversion in the waning seconds of the 4th to win by a point? This people, THIS is why this is truly the best sport in the history of mankind. Yeah that's right, soccer can eat my ass. I only have about an hour to make the first pick today so I'll keep the soapboxing to a minimum here. You know, if it wasn't for having to see Flutie's mongoloid paleolithic mug everytime I try to enjoy a football game then I wouldn't hold half the animosity for Boston College that I currently possess. I wish someone would beat that bastard to death with his own cereal box. Here's a trivia question for ya, anyone know the name of the receiver that came down with Flutie's miracle pass? Well I'm sure Virus does but that's not the point, it takes about as much talent to toss a ball way up in the air as it does to eat three hot dogs in a row, why don't they interview the kid that came down with the pass? I'm sure he's not as painful to listen to. With that being said, Navy doesn't stand a chance in this one. Like Virus I would like nothing more than to watch the Midshipmen thrash the Golden Eagles into submission for 4 straight quarters but the only thing the sailor squad has on its side is a run offense who's put up great numbers against a who's who of the WORST teams in the entire NCAA. And they're going to throw that locomotive against...dun dun dunnnnn the 13th best run defense in the entire country. Being one dimensional doesn't really work when your opponent has specialized in that dimension all season long. The Golden Eagles run away with this one.

60 on the BC cover

And since I'm on top and it just doesn't feel right, I'm gonna go ahead and blow it...
30 on the under

I'll do as usual and make my picks as the games get closer, I need a little time to do research (drink heavily and masterbate) and I'll be ready to go.

LET'S DO THIS!

DECEMBER 30-31 GAMES, LINES, VIRUS PICKS

Sweet motherfucking Christ. Boys and girls, this is why gambling is bad for your health. I'm fucking bulletproof for over a week, can't fucking miss, only have a net loss on one game, and then comes Thursday. Even the games I was THINKING about betting on I would have gotten wrong. It takes about the same amount of talent to get them all wrong as to get them all right, so conventional wisdom goes, but there's a world of difference in the pain involved. Those games gave me the lube-free treatment without the courtesy of a reacharound or even a little spit. I laid off yesterday because I was travelling, but the games I was thinking about laying went the wrong way. I was ready to bet the house on Clemson, but the boys in blue pulled it out. I thought Purdue would take out Maryland, but they got embarrassed. Missouri put up a lot more of a fight than I thought they could muster against a red-hot Oregon State team, and I gave up on Texas Tech and went to bed. When you're hot, you see those things clearly and you know what games to give up on. I texted the Jeezy with about 6 minutes left in the FSU game because I KNEW it was over and in the bag. If this were real money, I'd take my winnings and go home. My luck is spent and it's only going down from here. The sound a game winning field goal makes against a team that's a 2.5 point underdog is the same sound money makes when it's being set on fire. Fuck you Oklahoma State.

So here's the games, lines, and picks from me for the next two days. You're probably better off betting on every team I didn't pick.

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Saturday, December 30, 1 PM
Navy vs Boston College (-7.5)
Over/Under 48
Money Lines:
Boston College -300
Navy +250

I'm never big on Boston College, and no matter what side I put the money on, it goes the other way. I really want to take Navy in this one, and that money line is very appetizing, but I can't do it. Navy's offense is really good, but it's a gimmick offense, and I don't trust those against talented defenses. BC has an interim coach for this game, but that really hasn't seemed to matter much so far in the bowl season. BC also has won 6 straight bowl games, which, of course, means nothing in the high-turnover world of college football. All of those are gimmick stats people throw out which are ultimately meaningless for picks. The more important stuff:

Navy is #1 in rushing offense, but only 119th in passing.
BC is 26th in passing offense, but only 86th rushing.
Both teams are in the top 50 in ypg and points scored with Navy getting the edge in each category. Navy lost to Tulsa, Rutgers and Notre Dame and the only D1 team they beat with a winning record was Air Force. BC lost to NC State, ACC champ Wake Forest and Miami, but beat a host of talented teams in MAC champ Central Michigan, BYU, Clemson, Virginia Tech, Florida State, and Maryland, all teams who are in bowl games. BC is able to stop the triple option enough and will throw all over the Navy defense today. The simulations have this game right at the over/under number (29-19 BC win), and BC has cracked this number about half the times they play. Not enough for me to throw money down.

50 on BC to cover

ALAMO BOWL
Saturday, December 30, 4:30 PM
Iowa vs Texas (-9.5)
Over/under 54
Money Lines:
Iowa +300
Texas -400

I had to look twice at this matchup. This is probably the most lopsided matchup of the whole bowl season. Texas was a Colt McCoy injury away from competing for a national title, while Iowa was perhaps the most disappointing team in the country this year. Needing a huge goal-line stand against Syracuse has been the highpoint of their season, which should say all that needs to be said about their year. But let's be fair about Texas: they got wiped out against Ohio State, struggled past Oklahoma, Texas Tech, and Nebraska, gave up 45 points to Kansas State in a loss, and looked positively awful against Texas A&M. They've lost their last 2 in completely poor fashion and went from a national title contender to not even playing on New Year's Day. Their opponent, however, is a lowly 6-6, and averages a full 13 points less per game. Iowa has lost to the likes of Indiana, Northwestern, and Minnesota, didn't put up a fight against Ohio State or Michigan, and played a vastly overrated Wisconsin team close. Point being, while Texas has struggled, Iowa has been downright awful and is way out of their league here.

100 on Texas to cover
4o on the OVER

PEACH BOWL
I refuse to call this bowl by any other name. Fuck you Chick-fil-A.
Saturday, December 30, 8 pm
Georgia vs Virginia Tech (-3)
Over/Under 38
No money line.

This game has the best defensive matchup of any bowl game this season. Both teams have top-10 defenses, and both have terrible offenses (Virginia Tech is 95th in ypg and 49th in ppg while UGA is 87th and 57th respectively). Virginia tech has only allowed 29 points in their last 6 games COMBINED (all victories), with two shutouts and two wins over Clemson and Wake Forest in that span. They played two awful games back-to-back against Georgia Tech and BC early in the year. Georgia's travails have been well-documented here. I make it a point never to bet on Georgia games, but that over/under is too tempting. Remember what happened in the last "defensive struggle" between FSU and UCLA? Me too.

50 on the OVER

MPC COMPUTERS BOWL
Sunday, December 31, 7:30 PM
Nevada vs Miami (-4)
Over/under 42

It's Larry Coker's last hurrah at Miami, and who really gives a fuck. The big question here is just whether Miami can pull a Florida State and get enough of their swagger back to run away with this game, or if they play like the bunch of pouty fucking losers they are. It would definitely be in Miami's best interest to just give Randy Shannon the reins here and try to light a fire under this club because nobody wants to play for Larry Coker anymore. Miami has more talent by a landslide in this contest, but they've lost 4 out of their last 5, though 3 were to ranked teams. Nevada has everything to play for here, and I think they can muster enough offense to at least cover this, if not win outright.

50 on Nevada to cover
The jury's out on the over/under. I may make a bet on this tomorrow.

Bowl Wrap Ups - Football Jeezy

Unbelievable. The only pick I pulled out of my ass and I felt horrible about it up until the 2nd quarter of the game itself. Cal grabbed Texas A&M by the short stack and made them their personal fuck-bags for three straight hours. Just as I figured there was NO way I was gonna cover the over, and I was actually ROOTING for A&M to drive it down the field and score, Cal gets the turnover and turns it into the nail in the coffin over 53 score of scores. Now yes I'm gloating just a bit but you have to understand that I haven't made a right pick in weeks folks, especially one that strayed from the Virus'. Anyway, here are the grand totals after last night's action. Also, I need you to post the site you get all your over/under, money line information shit Virus because I wanted to post the two SEC match-ups going on today but I couldn't find anything but the spreads so I decided against it. Anyway, here we go



JEEZY

Fla St. / UCLA

Florida St. Cover - WIN 60

Under - LOSE 40

Alabama/Ok. St.

NO BET

Cal/Texas A&M

Cal Cover - WIN 60

Over - WIN 30

TOTAL - +110
NEW TOTAL - 1,399

VIRUS

Florida St. / UCLA

Florida St. Cover - WIN 60

Alabama/Ok. St.

Alabama Cover - LOSE 50

Under - LOSE 30

Cal/Texas A&M

A&M Cover - LOSE 80

A&M Money Line - LOSE 70

TOTAL - -170
NEW TOTAL - 1,342

Now I'm not gonna talk trash because chances are I did the math wrong here, it's not exactly my strong suit, but it does appear to be the FIRST time EVER! That I'm ahead of the Virus in points...ok so it's only like 50 points but give me a break it's been 3 months of dissapointment, let me enjoy this wonderous calm before the storm....Ahhhhhh....What this REALLY means though is that we're neck and neck in this one and it's anyone's game. So stay tuned, cuz this thing is about to get stickier than Mark Foley's keyboard. And before you ask, NO I WILL NOT STOP MAKING MARK FOLEY JOKES. See you soon.

Extra Bowl Info - The Virus

also, here's some money lines for games today:

Kansas St. +250
Rutgers -300

Texas A&M +140
California -160

No money line yet on Alabama/Ok St...

I'm going to lay 70 on the A&M money line...I'm leaning hard on taking KSt for the upset, but can't make myself pull the trigger...game's at 8pm, so I'll either put a pick on the blog or text you a pick if I'm away from a computer

Some Random Bowl Picks - Football Jeezy

Damn you bourbon. Damn your hide. I completely missed the Alabama/Ok St. game picks because i'm a slacker but hopefully I can toss my cal/Texas A&M pick in here before I miss that one too. I'd like to ask as a favor if at all possible that all bowl games from here on out will be marked with date and time because I'm not too good at this whole planning ahead thing. Anyway, I'm hurtin here on one of the biggest downturns of my life which couldn't have come at a worse time because Virus is on an ungodly hot streak. Now I know Cal is a little one dimensional but that one dimension is pretty damn good when it gets rollin'. Especially against an A&M secondary that struggles against pass offenses. Honestly this is a pretty even match-up so it's anyone's guess.

Now if you asked me honestly, I'd tell you that I thought Cal would win this one but not by that many points, but as it stands now, I'm falling way behind and really just don't care anymore. With that being said, I'm just gonna live dangerously and throw 60 to the Cal cover.

And because I'm a little gunshy here, I'm going to drop a measily 30 on the over.

Just as a sidenote, was Joe Kines throatfucked with a roman candle or something? Lord, someone get that bastard a Ricola.

Howdy do Ladies. Since the time is steadily approaching for what will most likely be the most laughable offensive game of football in recent history, I figure I might as well make my picks. First off, both of these teams are TERRIBLE and everyone including their own fans has had no qualms pointing it out to them at ever possible moment. Neither of these teams could find the endzone if it were made completely of Adidas and Nike endorsement contracts. If I were Weatherford right now, I'd just bench it for a couple snaps and let one of the cheerleaders take a whack at it. She probably has a better arm. With that being said, both of these teams come in with what looks to be pretty dominant defenses. Besides a sale on silk shirts and cruicifix air-fresheners, the Seminole defense has been about the only thing bringing any sort of joy to the Bowden faithful this season. But UCLA is no pushover either, they might have started off sloppy but in the end the D shaped up and managed to hold the offenses of Arizona St., Oregon St., and USC to 28 points...COMBINED. Not too shabby. In the end though, Daddy Bowden is master when it comes to the bowl games, and now that he doesn't have his glue-sniffin' son calling plays, I think they pull out all the stops and get off to an early lead in this one forcing the Bruins to attempt and ultimately fail at an offense. So like the Virus, I'm throwin' my pick to the Seminoles in this match-up.

60 on the Seminoles to cover

And since both of these teams are defense heavy and couldn't cover the spread if you combined their scores on their best day, I'm going to go on the under here.

40 on the Under



Keep your head up slugger. The games only get better from here. Shit...

MOTOR CITY BOWL WRAP-UP

I'm telling you people, I'm getting a little freaked out here. I am a career loser in gambling circles. I've gone through $500 in three weekends. Before starting this blog, I've profited from exactly 3 bets that I've laid.

I'm on FUCKING FIRE right now.

Central Michigan played their quick strike offense to perfection and held the Middle Tennessee defense in check all day long. An INT for a TD by the CMU defense and a field goal cemented the cover, but it was the goal-line interception with 30 seconds left that preserved the under on the game. Winners all around here, but the Jeezy didn't follow with my freewheelin money on this game.

PAYOUTS

JEEZY
I'm assuming the Centralites of whateverthefuck are Central Michigan - WIN (+70)
UNDER 51.5 - WIN (+50)
TOTAL +120
New total of 1,289

VIRUS
Central Michigan to cover - WIN (+100)
UNDER 51.5 - WIN (+60)
+160 on the game
New Total of 1,512

This is normally where I'd cash out and run the hell away from the bookie, but that's not very sporting here. The crash is coming, folks. Stay to watch the fireworks.

Motor City Bowl Picks - Football Jaheezy

Well the Virus caught on to my attempts to take an unfair advantage in this one. Not that it would have been that much of an advantage. Cut me some slack, I'm dyin here. Anyway, I'm not ready to slap credits down for the FSU/UCLA match-up just yet, but I am willing to drop a dime or two on the bowl we got brewin' right now. The Money Line is way too rich for my blood and the Under has been good to me thus far so I think I'm going to have to mimic the win-master-general here and throw my pick to the Central Michigan...Chippewas is it? God who cares. here we go.

I'm droppin' a cool 70 on the Michiganites of Centralonia to cover their spread

and I'm droppin a big fat 50 on the Under.

Now I'm well aware that I don't stand a chance betting below the almight Virus here but at the moment, I'm unable to muster the motivation to even research any of these bare-bleacher bowls so trust me, the big chips will be droppin' soon. I'll have my Emerald Bowl (Did you know that Baghdad is called the Emerald City? I get drunk and watch Fox News...fuck off...it's way better than extreme sports.) tommorrow. Love and Kisses!

DECEMBER 26 & 27 GAMES, LINES AND VIRUS PICKS

Motor City Bowl:
Middle Tennessee vs Central Michigan (-9.5)

Over/Under 51.5

Money Line
Middle Tennessee +270
Central Michigan -340

The battle of the state-centers here in this underwhelming matchup. Central Michigan is on a tear right now, winning 7 of 8, all by double digits. This spread is still in single digits, and Middlee Tennessee has lost their last two. Add to that fact that this game is in Michigan (Detroit), and you've got a recipe for a rout.

100 on Central Michigan to cover
60 on the UNDER

EMERALD BOWL
Florida State vs UCLA (-4.5)
Over/Under 40.5

Florida State is lucky to even be in a bowl game this year and UCLA probably saved themselves a bid by knocking off USC late in the season. UCLA can't play defense, but it doesn't matter because Florida State can't score. Florida State has a pretty good defense, but UCLA is even worse on offense than FSU, if you can believe that. As much as I hate the Seminoles, 4.5 just seems like too much to give UCLA. This should be a low scoring game, but I can't convince myself to bite on either side of that Over/Under.

60 on FSU to cover

IDEPENDENCE BOWL
Oklahome State (-2.5) vs Alabama
Over/Under 51

Another pair of lopsided teams here whose strengths play into the other team's strengths. Alabama is lousy on offense, but OkSt is possibly even worse on defense. Oklahoma State has a powerful offense, boasting the 8th rushing attack in the country and 16th best offense overall, but Alabama is an SEC team, and if there's one thing they do in the SEC, it's play crushing defense. I say, when in doubt, go with the defensive team.

50 on Alabama to cover
30 on the UNDER

Holiday Bowl
California (-5) vs Texas A&M
Over/Under 53

Texas A&M has had a very quiet 9 win season, while Cal's 9 win season can best be classified as a disappointment. Cal has speed all over the field, but has proven in several games this year that a team full of tracks stars doesn't necessarily guarantee a victory. The best way to put it is that Cal is soft, and when they face a hard-hitting defense, they wither. Tennessee put the screws to them, as did USC and, surprisingly, Arizona . Texas A&M is surprisingly in the top 30 offensively in total yards and points scored and has the 7th ranked rush offense in the nation. Texas A&M looks extremely underrated in this game, and were very convincing in their win against Texas.

80 on Texas A&M to cover
I'll probably lay some on the money line when it surfaces

TEXAS BOWL
Rutgers (-7.5) vs Kansas State
Over/Under 45

To the 4 of you who get to watch this game, congratulations. It's absurd that a 10-2 team is relegated to a December 28 game against a lousy Big-12 opponent on a network that nobody in the country has in their cable package. The bad news for Kansas State is that there's approximatley a 0% chance that Greg Schiano lets the situation get to his team. Schiano staying at Rutgers over the Miami job should inspire the players to some degree, and Rutgers comes ready to play almost every week. It looks like a long day for KSt.

I'll abstain from a pick here until closer to game time. That's a big spread.

Hawaii Bowl Wrap - up...

How do you go from 13 points total at half to coming 5 points away from covering a 70 point over? I was sweatin' there at the end. Luckily everything worked out well for the Jeezy here.

New Totals

Jeez - 1,169
Virus - 1,282
Ralphvirus Edit: Apparently the Jeezy didn't notice that I put 70 on the Hawaii cover. I mentioned it twice (see the post I emailed and the post wrapping up the Dec. 23 games). My new total is 1,352.

It's gettin sillier by the second. Merry Christmas. Die.

Hawaii Bowl Picks - Football Jesus

Merry Christmas fellow worthless bastards out there. I don't know about you but nothing says noel and feliz navidad to me like watching a shirtless man wave around a spear in full hawaii'an warrior get up. Man I'm giddy just thinking about it. Now I'd like to tell you guys the wrap up after last nights matches but honestly, I suck at math and I aint pickin it up for my new year's resolution either so you'll just have to wait till the wiz-kid Virus gets back to see concretely what we already know, I suck at betting, and Rob apparently has a crystal ball...or crystal meth...something. Anyway. I got nothing to lose here and oh so much to gain. So on the eve of baby Jesus' birthday, it's only fitting that I do a little good ol-fashioned desperation gambling.

I want 60 on the Hawaii cover

and I wants me 80 on the under

God Help us....every one.

DECEMBER 23 RESULTS

Well, blogger is finally working for me, and since FJ is mathematically retarded, here are the results from yesterday's games.

Papajohns.com Bowl
Didn't watch this since I was several thousand feet above the earth, but can't say I was too surprised by South Florida's convincing win. I thought the score would be a little higher than it was, but I wasn't anticipating a shutout 2nd half. Oh well.

Jeezy bets:
30 on South Florida to cover - WIN (+30)
30 on the OVER - LOSE (-30)
0 on the game, new total of 1,042

Virus:
50 on South Florida to cover - WIN (+50)
40 on the OVER - LOSE (-40)
+10 on the game for new total of 1,230

New Mexico Bowl
Also didn't watch this, but also am not surprised at the outcome. I thought New Mexico might be a bit more inspired than they were playing on their home turf, but I was a little surprised that San Jose State weren't getting more respect than they were. The money line was too enticing here for both of us, and we both profited.

Jeezy
60 on SJSt. Money Line - WIN (+87)
+87 on the game for new total of 1,129

Virus
50 on San Jose State Money Line - WIN (+72.5, round down to 72)
+72 on the game for new total of 1,302

New Mexico Bowl
And the Jeezy's luck finally caught up to him here. I should have been scared off by Tulsa's record in their last 4 games, but my hatred of Utah blinded me. It's probably no coincidence that I'm +300 in games where I don't care about either team and -20 when I have a prejudice. That spells bad news in the games to come.

Jeezy
50 on Tulsa to cover - LOSE (-50)
50 on the OVER - LOSE (-50)
-100 on the game for new total of 1,029

Virus
50 on Tulsa to cover - LOSE (-50)
30 on the UNDER - WIN (+30)
-20 on the game for new total of 1,282

HOT OFF THE PRESS

Money line for Hawaii vs Arizona State
Hawaii -280
Arizona State +240

I don't like either of those and I'm still spooked by that Over/Under, so I'm going to sit on my 70 for Hawaii to cover bet. It does make me nervous to see a WAC team that heavily favored against a Pac-10 team, but I don't know how Arizona State is going to stop Colt Brennan.

Bowl Picks - Ralph Virus

(I just received this email from Virus who can't make these picks himself because he's travelling at the moment and his computer won't connect with blogger so I'm going to post it exactly as I gets it.)

Hey, I can't connect to blogger so I can't post my picks and I'm about to head to the airport. I'm sending them to you so you can either post them or at least know that I made them before the games started. I think it has something to do with blogger being switched over to google. I moved my account, but I can't move the blog because you're the founder of it. Can you switch it over?

Anyway, you were +10 on the New Orleans bowl (+30 on the over, -20 on Rice to cover) if you want to chalk yourself.

Papajohns.com bowl
I want 50 on South Florida to cover
40 on the OVER
Comments: South Florida had a winning record in a very tough conference this year and mostly flew under the radar. Even in their losses, they were still competitve. Stack that up against an overmatched ECU team that did not exactly excel in a weak CUSA, and is also coached by Lou Holtz's son, Skip, and I think South Florida runs away with this one.

New Mexico Bowl
50 on San Jose State money line (+145)
Comments: New Mexico gets this game at home, but I'm not sold. This team lost to Portland State (not a D-1A school) and only has 2 victories on the year of 10 points or more (they were also the only 2 games of the season where New Mexico would have covered this spread, since all 4 of their other wins were by 3 points or less). They're very unimpressive on both sides of the ball. San Jose State played Boise State very close and were only really blown out by Hawaii in Honululu. I'm not sure what New Mexico is playing for here, but San Jose State doesn't want to end this remarkable turaround season (they were 2-9 last year) on a sour note, so I think they come out and pull off the upset.

Armed Forces Bowl
No money line posted for this game, I don't think it matters.
50 on Tulsa to cover
30 on the UNDER
Comments: Utah is riding a hot bowl streak coming into this game, but stats like that are meaningless in college football. Utah lost a heartbreaker to BYU recently while Tulsa was blown out earlier, but BYU vs Utah is a rivalry game, so comparing performance across teams there can be misleading. Overall, I like Tulsa's QB play a little more than Utah's, and I think their offense is a little more consistent and even. Utah's defense can be stingy, and Tulsa has lost 3 of their last 4 (after starting 7-1) but I can't go for another Mormon school in the bowl season, especially one that used to employ Urban Meyer. I like Tulsa for the upset here.

Hawaii Bowl
In case I can't get to a computer before Sunday night, I'll make this pick now.
70 on Hawaii to cover
Comments: Hawaii just lost a game to another Pac-10 opponent in Oregon State, but Arizona State isn't playing nearly as well as the Beavers right now. On top of that, Az St. just fired their head coach, and they have to make the trip to Hawaii on Christmas Eve to play this game. The Hawaii offense is just sickeningly effective and Colt Brennan puts up video game numbers in June Jones's offense. If the over/under were just a bit lower I'd be tempted to put a full 100 on the over, but I'm too ambivalent about the number as it is. I don't see how Arizona State has the firepower to keep up in this game, especially since everybody knows that Pac-10 teams don't play defense anyway. This game may be entertaining for a little while, but I think Hawaii runs away with it late.

New Orleans Bowl Wrap ups and other Random predictions - Football Jeezy

You know, next time I'm in the mood to watch an interesting match-up around this time of year I'm just going to go to Wal-Mart and throw a Playstation 3 into a crowd of soccer moms. Man, even 5 bourbon and cokes couldn't make this game half as hypnotic as the bowl of pretzels in front of me and (after 4 drinks mind you) the sparsely toothed, wrangler-clad vixen next to me. I think she was a woman. Regardless, it wanted me. Point being, this is getting to be ridiculous. If this is the type of bowl season we have to look forward to will someone PLEASE send me some Tivo-ed High School Football championship games or something. Jesus, I'd rather watch two kids with down syndrome play Madden 2002 then these low-grade blowouts. Anyway, this is how the credits landed.

Over - 30 won
Rice Cover - 20 lost

Papa Johns.com Bowl - South Florida vs. East Carolina...shudder.
ummmm fuck it,
30 on S. Florida to cover
30 on the over

New Mexico Bowl - pitting, you guessed it, the New Mexico Lobos against the Spartans of San Jose State. God I'm going to have to start drinking in the middle of the day again I guess...sigh...

You know San Jose actually has a decent run attack and their four losses were to some pretty decent programs...I mean decent considering it's San Diego State of course. I don't think they're as much of a pushover as everyone thinks so I'm gonne throw my first bone to the underdog here...60 credits to the San Jose State Money Line

Bell Hellicopters Armed Forces Bowl...Tulsa vs. Utah. I have been stuck in my parents house in what Carl Sagan might refer to as an Anti-Time Vortex, which in layman's terms means, an area where there has been no sort of major social progression since around 1942. I am so desperate to add any sort of excitement to my day that I'm going to just get nutty, and throw my lot with the underdog yet again. I can't blame it completely on the ultra-conservative ewok village that is Lincolnton, I honestly think that Tulsa is a better team than Utah with the exception of one thing, turnovers. If Tulsa can keep their hands on the ball I think they have a great shot at pulling the upset in this match-up. The 6th ranked Pass Defense in the country? the 32nd run and 30th pass offense in the NCAA? the 16th best total defense in the country? Tulsa?! Believe it, slugger.

50 on the Tulsa upset
50 on the Over

And since I have quite a while until the Hawaii bowl we'll so how far into the toilet I get myself with the above picks before I decide on whether to blow more credits on yet another...you get the point...Back in a bit

New Orleans Bowl picks - Football Jeezy

Hot damn, after two of the worst match-ups of this century, how do the football gods repay us? With the Trojans of Troy battling the Owls of Rice, that's how. And people say God doesn't have a sense of humor. Well a part of me wants to let this one slide because...well honestly who in their right mind gives a sweet shit. I mean the only people watching this one are going to be people trying to shut out the incessant chatter of holiday relatives for three hours which is...well probably everyone at this point but it doesn't mean anyone cares. And as a sidenote, if Bono and Green Day show up at this event I'm going to murder an entire flock of baby sheep with a Louisville slugger, 2001 A Space Oddysey-ape style. The point here is that I can't let this one slide because honestly, I have a gambling problem. There I admitted it. I forgot what step 2 was but I should get my damn coin now Bill Wilson. Plus, I'm ahead at the moment and it just aint REAL gamblin' if you're ahead so HERE WE GO.

30 on the over

20 on the Rice cover

who cares...

LAS VEGAS BOWL WRAP UP

The Jeezy gets himself onto the positive side of the ledger with his 2-2 performance last night and the Virus just keeps on winning. Why couldn't I do this when I had real money on the line?

A few notes on the game:

1) Oregon needs to give up on this uniform trend. When I saw last night's uniforms, I swear I vomited a meal I ate when I was 7 years old, that's how distressingly ugly they were. I mean, they were hi-liter green WITH FLAMES ON THE HELMET. They looked like a color-blind redneck's hot-rodded truck.

2) The booth announcers have just gone too far. Craig James looked like a homosexual grape and I was 30 seconds away from shoving a wine bottle up my ass with an M-80 in it after watching Bob Davie present Brent Musberger with his "action figure" from Rocky II. How the hell can you even have an ACTION figure for an announcer?

3) This was going to go in the previous section, but it deserved it's own number. Ryan Fucking Leaf, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is biggest bust in the history of the NFL draft, is a total headcase, is a talentless hack, did not attend either school in the contest, AND IS DOWN ON THE SIDELINES IN A BLACK COWBOY HAT, A BELT BUCKLE BIGGER THAN MY FACE AND SOME NU-ALTERNATIVE WILLIE NELSON SHIRT. Despite all this, ESPN invites him into the booth I suppose to gain some of his massive insight into what it's like to be the biggest laughingstock in the history of the NFL. I was shocked when I found out someone related to Ryan Leaf was actually recruited by a major program. I guess pedigree doesn't exactly mean what it used to.

4) Oregon is really bad and BYU was really good. The Mt. West has put on a clinic the last two days, and it really shouldn't be a surprise. There's almost always 1-2 teams from that conference that sneak into the Top 25 by the end of the year. Before the Big East swallowed up all its talent, Conference USA was poised to be the conference on the rise. I'm throwing my support to the Mt. West. The top 3 teams in the Mt. West would probably finish in the top 5 or 6 in the Pac-10. I'm serious.

PAYOUTS

Jeezy
20 on BYU to cover - WIN
30 on the under - WIN
+50 on the game for a new total of 1,032

Virus
50 on BYU to cover - WIN
+50 on the game for a new total of 1,220

BOWLS AND LINES THROUGH THE WEEKEND

I'm going to go ahead and post the lines for each game through Christmas. Picks aren't due all in bunches, but if you're betting on a game, obviously the post should be registered before the time of kickoff.

Money Lines aren't out yet. I'll update as they become available (watch this post).

NEW ORLEANS BOWL http://www.neworleansbowl.com

Man, this bowl has a crappy logo, a crappy website, and a crappy match-up. Yeesh.







Rice (-4.5) vs Troy

Over/Under
52.5

EDIT (12/22 10:00 am)
Money Line
Troy +170
Rice -200

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL http://www.papajohnsbowl.com








South Florida (-4.5) vs East Carolina

Over/Under
43.5

EDIT:
Money Line
East Carolina +170
South Florida -200

NEW MEXICO BOWL http://www.newmexicobowl.com/












New Mexico (-3.5) vs San Jose State

Over/Under
49

EDIT:
Money Line
San Jose State +145
New Mexico -165
BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL http://www.armedforcesbowl.com/














Tulsa vs Utah (-1.5)

Over/Under
50


SHERATON HAWAII BOWL http://www.sheratonhawaiibowl.com








Arizona St. vs Hawaii (-7)

Over/Under
74

LAS VEGAS BOWL

Wow. I'm not going to even try to top Jeezy's post.

50 on BYU to cover. That's it and that's all.

Football Jesus - Las Vegas Bowl Picks

Good sweet lord, to tell you the truth I ended up drinking an entire handle of Southern Comfort with a couple of guys I've never met before and managed to catch the repeat of the game at 4 in the morning, so a part of me really wanted to believe that the "game" was merely an alcohol induced hallucination, much like the 20 breasted unicorn that pranced happily around the television for the entire 3 hour ordeal. That match-up was like watching Takeru Kobayashi and Karen Carpenter in a bacon eating contest. So anyway, as you can imagine I'm nursing one of the most disgusting hang-overs in the recent history of mankind and there's a distinct possibility that I might die at any point in this blog-entry, so with that being said, I'm going to try to get this over with as soon as possible so that I can drill a hole in my brain to release these evil bourbon demons.

BYU-Oregon...You know what, for the last three weeks i've been doing all this ridiculous research and figuring out stats and predictions and trying to make educated decisions and so far it hasn't helped me in the LEAST, so I'm just going to wing this one since I'd rather google pictures of Tom Arnold's balls then figure out the intricacies of the Mormon offense. Here's what I do know...

1. Oregon is on a big losing streak right now and has a quarterback who's interview skills remind me of those retarted kids that try to sell magazines door to door.

2. BYU plays in a pitiful conference where they can boast of playing such phenomenal powerhouses as Wyoming, Air Force, and Carl's Massagetherapy Institute and Tire Center.

3. Mormons are just fucking bat shit crazy. Period. If i have to see another one of those brainfuck Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials I swear to Tony Danza i'm going to shave my balls with a butter knife, dig up Joseph Smith Jr.'s corpse and give him a gorilla mask for the ages. That goes for that door to door black tie wearing mormon child army as well. I swear to all non-mormon deities that I will find every one of you and hit you with my open car door at speed. Then I'll steal your bikes and donate them to scientologists who will need them on their ET-esque voyage to the mothership. Don't fuck with me right now. I hurt.

So anyway...here's the dealio

I'm putting 20 on the BYU cover

I'm putting 30 on the under

and i'm not even gonna fuck with the money line because I just honestly don't know enough about these teams. So there. Maybe if we're lucky this game will distract those maniacal religious nutjobs long enough to not have a small forest's worth of brochures and pamplets shoved in my face when I'm trying to jerk off to scrambled porn. Is that too much to ask?! Die.

POINSETTIA BOWL PAYOUTS AND LAS VEGAS BOWL LINES

Watching this game got kind of creepy after awhile. Garrett Wolfe got stuffed, like I thought, and TCU was all over the NIU QB all night long, like I thought, and the NIU offense got a whole lot of nothing all night long. If it weren't for TCU's special teams fuck-ups, NIU would have easily been shut out and wouldn't have even gotten some of the chances they got. I actually don't know what was more painful: Rocket Ismail gushing about the Holiday bowl and the matchup he imagined between California and Texas while the Texas A&M logo was prominently featured on the screen (I honestly thought at first he was just saying Texas as a short hand until he started talking about the Texas QB who just announced his transfer to Ole Miss which cemented the fact that, yes, he's being paid tons of money to have no fucking clue what's going on) or watching Garrett Wolfe's draft stock plummet right in front of my eyes.

Speaking of announcers having no fucking clue, how hard would it be for ESPN to hire somebody who knew something about football in general? The festivities started early with Lou Holtz complaining about a "clipping" call on the first kickoff of the game. First thing, the block was clearly on the player's side and not in the back. Second thing, "block in the back" and "clipping" are not synonymous. Even if the block was square in the back, it still wasn't clipping. Lou Holtz has coached for 900 years and is being paid to know something about college football and not only can't recognize a legal block, but doesn't even know the proper term for the penalty he wanted called.

The whole night was painful to listen to, but I'd be remiss if I didn't point out exhibit 8,593,908 for Mark May's colossal stupidity. He was actually complaining that the referees were conferencing to make sure they got the play right. Why? Because he didn't like that they were disrupting the flow of the game. Mind you, Mark May has been one of the biggest smug bastards about how uniformly great instant replay is because it allows the refs to get the call right, even though instant replay has done more to disrupt the "flow" of a regular football game than any other introduction in the history of the game. It disrupts the "flow" so much that there are fewer plays being run on average in a given game because of clock changes that were necessary to institute replay. But God Help Us All if the refs conference for 30 seconds to make sure everybody saw the same thing.

I'm awfully bitter for someone who hit both of his bets, but the state of announcing, commentary and studio analysis has reached an absurd point. Lou Holtz is too damn stupid and old to ever have anything insightful to say, Mark May is dead wrong about almost everything he says and probably offers hand jobs to each offensive lineman before every game (he was an offensive lineman, remember? HOW THE FUCK COULD WE EVER FORGET), Rocket Ismail can barely read, is always biased, and is only halfway informed about the shit he pontificates about (I'd be careful about stepping into College Station anytime soon after the gaffe last night), Todd Blackledge couldn't be any farther up Urban Meyers ass if his name was Tim Tebow or Chris Leak, Doug Flutie is the least funny human being on the planet (he's not even funny for a Canadian, which is saying somethign) and if I get started on the 950 ways I hate Craig James, we'll be here until Vanderbilt wins a national title. Craig James is just a slightly less stupid version of Terry Bowden, and I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

PAYOUTS:

Virus -
70 on TCU to cover - WIN
100 on the under - WIN
+170 on the game for a new total of 1,170

Jeezy
30 on TCU to cover - WIN
80 on the over - LOSE
80 on TCU money line - WIN (+32)
-18 on the game for a new total of 982

NEXT GAME - LAS VEGAS BOWL









BYU (-3) vs Oregon

Over/Under
61

Money Lines
BYU -155
Oregon +135


Image courtesy of http://www.lvbowl.com