Football Jesus - Las Vegas Bowl Picks

Good sweet lord, to tell you the truth I ended up drinking an entire handle of Southern Comfort with a couple of guys I've never met before and managed to catch the repeat of the game at 4 in the morning, so a part of me really wanted to believe that the "game" was merely an alcohol induced hallucination, much like the 20 breasted unicorn that pranced happily around the television for the entire 3 hour ordeal. That match-up was like watching Takeru Kobayashi and Karen Carpenter in a bacon eating contest. So anyway, as you can imagine I'm nursing one of the most disgusting hang-overs in the recent history of mankind and there's a distinct possibility that I might die at any point in this blog-entry, so with that being said, I'm going to try to get this over with as soon as possible so that I can drill a hole in my brain to release these evil bourbon demons.

BYU-Oregon...You know what, for the last three weeks i've been doing all this ridiculous research and figuring out stats and predictions and trying to make educated decisions and so far it hasn't helped me in the LEAST, so I'm just going to wing this one since I'd rather google pictures of Tom Arnold's balls then figure out the intricacies of the Mormon offense. Here's what I do know...

1. Oregon is on a big losing streak right now and has a quarterback who's interview skills remind me of those retarted kids that try to sell magazines door to door.

2. BYU plays in a pitiful conference where they can boast of playing such phenomenal powerhouses as Wyoming, Air Force, and Carl's Massagetherapy Institute and Tire Center.

3. Mormons are just fucking bat shit crazy. Period. If i have to see another one of those brainfuck Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials I swear to Tony Danza i'm going to shave my balls with a butter knife, dig up Joseph Smith Jr.'s corpse and give him a gorilla mask for the ages. That goes for that door to door black tie wearing mormon child army as well. I swear to all non-mormon deities that I will find every one of you and hit you with my open car door at speed. Then I'll steal your bikes and donate them to scientologists who will need them on their ET-esque voyage to the mothership. Don't fuck with me right now. I hurt.

So anyway...here's the dealio

I'm putting 20 on the BYU cover

I'm putting 30 on the under

and i'm not even gonna fuck with the money line because I just honestly don't know enough about these teams. So there. Maybe if we're lucky this game will distract those maniacal religious nutjobs long enough to not have a small forest's worth of brochures and pamplets shoved in my face when I'm trying to jerk off to scrambled porn. Is that too much to ask?! Die.