Ok ok, before anyone else catches and drills me for it, quick correction to my own picks. I stated that Arizona St. @ Cal was the only meeting between two top 25 teams this week when in fact Penn State @ Ohio State would make it two. ALSO, since it is noon on Saturday as of right now when picks were asked for on midnight of Thursday, I move for a disqualification for the Boy Wonder from Down Under (that being South Beach...shudder) from the points this week. You need to get your priorities straight you gooch. Football picks first, ducking INS second. Goose Egg for the Ibis. Looks like it's brother against brother this week with really only two games as the deciding factor between us, both of which are picks i'm not terribly certain about. It's not looking good for football jesus right now...let's play ball.

I was hard on him early, but the Miami kid has some game. This game was technically a push, since the spread was hit on the money (17 points), so we all start out with a tie (as far as I know, you can't bet on the push...everybody just gets their money back), but Severely Caned gets the gold star of the night for nailing the score dead to rights. Keep this up and nobody's gonna need Jesus or The Virus.

As mentioned, I didn't watch the game, but I caught the highlights on sportscenter, and I could pat myself on the back for saying Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson would have monster games (which they did), but that was probably the easiest pick of the week. That's like picking Chris Leak to light up the UK secondary on Saturday. It's almost a given. CJ is damn near unstoppable, though he struggles against more physical corners, as UGA showed last year when Tim Jennings went and beat CJ half to death every time he came off the line and ultimately made the game winning interception while covering CJ. And CJ had a good 8 inches on Jennings. As far as I know, the receiver contact rules are different in college than in the NFL, so you can jam receivers more and knock them around off the line of scrimmage, and I'm not sure why more teams don't do this with oversized receivers like CJ who tend to shy away from contact and get alligator arms after a big hit. Jam him up front and have a LB come in for help on the short stuff and a safety for the deep stuff if he pushes past you. I don't think it's that unreasonable to have 3 guys on him, just not necessarily man-to-3man. In a zone scheme, cheat an LB and a safety to his side of the field and keep them close enough to jump a route at any level of the defense. I'm not sold on the rest of the GT offense, and it's been shown consistently that as CJ goes, so go the Jackets. UGA just blanketed him all night last year and made him a non factor, and the secondary was the weakest part of their defense. Anyway, when Ball's head is on straight enough to get it to him, GT is one of the more dangerous teams in the country, especially since they have a very solid defense on the other side. Ball has the talent to take a game over, but not the head for it. He melts down way too easily and once he starts to play with emotion instead of composure, you can start counting the INTs, overthrows, personal foul penalties and clock mismanagement immediately. UGA revealed this in his freshman season when he started jawing at the safeties after a (legal) hit on the sidelines, after which the safeties promptly flattened Ball on a flurry of blitzes before he got yanked out of the game, which GT laughably said was from an injury, but was just because he got too fired up to play QB. He's got WR attitude at the QB position, and that just doesn't work.

I think those High Lifes are rotting Jeezy's brain. I'm gonna one up him again (and stab myself through the heart at same time) and say Spurrier TRIPLES the spread and wins 90-0. Who's gonna blink first here, son?

No hate to the Cane for making the call, but let's look at the details of the pick here bucko. Reggie ball runs the ball early and often, resulting in the Jacket's first TD which eventually opens up the game for a certain muthafuckergh named CALVIN Johnson, not the other johnson, CALVIN "MAN-BEAST" JOHNSON to completely decimate the Cavs secondary and take it for two TDs. I don't give a shit if Marcus Hamilton gets bitten by a radioactive giraffe and gains magical powers, he can't cover the CJ Phenomenon. Watch the halfhearted cut on the second TD in the beginning of the 3rd quarter. Beautiful. Jackets barely cover the spread and Lee Majors strikes again with a little help from my fine foreign friend who will be accompanying me to the Bellagio Book very very soon whether he knows it or not. We're money son, money. That being said, I don't care if my FAU pick was stupid, I will never, even if every ounce of logic falls in the other court pick Steve Spurrier for a damn thing. In fact I change my pick to FAU by 84 points. Not only that, I say that Schnellenbratwoggle actually rips Spurrier's headset off his head after the game and beats Spurrier to death. YESSIR!

NEWS FLASH!

I can't watch the game tonight because I got great seats at Fenway for the showdown between Johan Santana and Josh Beckett. Sorry Thursday night football, free baseball tickets win out here, so one of you other guys stay sober enough to give me a summary tomorrow.

Young Football Jeezy, the Lee Majors of MillyVegas back with a week of college football that is so goldamn exciting i’m tempted to go rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, internet-shop for dress socks and work on my interpretive dance routines instead of watching any of this shit. But with college football, much like my sex life, you take what you can get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET’S GET TO IT!

First off, Viginia @ Georgia Tech on Thursday night football. Sigh. You know what, I can’t even think of a joke for this game so I’ll lay it out for you straight; It’s Virginia. Yes the same Virginia that barely escaped Wyoming only to get slapped around by Western Michigan. At this point I think a baby deer and a stiff wind could beat Virginia in their home stadium. Virginia is starting a new quarterback, Jameel Sewell and with a run game that’s ranked 117th in the nation, which incidentally is 3 rankings behind that team from Little Giants, he’s going to need to be absolutely perfect if he wants to take down the Jackets at home (engineers are intimidating after a few Zimas). On the other side of the ball, Reggie Ball is a hothead who melts down easily under pressure, but he put up impressive rushing numbers against Troy, a team with a quick defense that had just finished scaring the then 9th ranked Seminoles. I know the Cavaliers are on a three or four game win streak vs. the Jackets but I think that changes Thursday. Look for Ball to move around often early on and open up the pass game to Calvin “Man-Beast” Johnson. I think Tech makes the 17 point spread, but barely.

Now, Penn State at the horseshoe. Columbo-esqe Paterno has an outgunned squad against the Buckeyes at home and as much as I’d like to pick the blue and white, it aint happenin’. The Lions failure to execute mixed with penalties and stupid turnovers overshadow any positive movement they may make on the offensive side. Ohio State makes it a perfect 7-0 at home against ol’ Joe and easily covers the 17 point spread. I’m leaving it at that. You don’t make fun of Joe. That’s like braining puppies with a hammer for fun. You just don’t do it.

Bama at Arkansas. Load up on Doral 100s, put on your best Orange County Choppers shirt, dust off your houndstooth fedora and get ready for yet another agonizingly low scoring SEC West battle between what roughly equates to the two purgatory teams of the conference. I’m guessing that this game will be similar to a three hour long Larry the Cable Guy joke; long winded and incomprehensible with an unsatisfying finish. In fact, I predict that more Alabama natives will watch a re-run of “Two A Days” than tune into this game. When will Goose find love? Anyway, I actually thought this would be one of my upset pics for the week but looking at the line, noone’s really in Bama’s corner on this one. And neither am I. Bama has yet to see a running game like that of the Hogs and their d-line has only racked up 3 sacks in the 3 games and are about as scary as butterflys fucking on top of a rainbow, so Mustaine should have plenty of time in the pocket. The run game takes the pressure off Mustaine and he wins the time of possession battle and the game. I take Arkansas and the spread. I wouldn’t be suprised if the game ended up being 10-6 in favor of the hogs.

And that takes us to Arizona State @ Cal, the ONLY game in which two top 25 teams play each other all week. Honestly, I don’t know a whole lot about either of these programs. In fact, the only thing I’ve seen of either of these teams all season was Cal and their secondary’s embarassing showing at Rocky Top. Originally I wanted to go with home team advantage on this one but after talkin with the Virus, i’ve learned that Cal’s home stadium is about as intimidating as a community theater playhouse so that’s kinda out the window. Also after reading up on the match-up, it’s slated as a “running team”, that would be Cal who was held to 64 yards rushing the last time they faced a ranked team, and a “passing team”, that would be Arizona State which again brings me to the horrendous secondary showing of Cal in their Tennessee debut. Soooo I changed my mind. I’m taking Arizona State on the upset. On the bright side, with Cal out of the top 25 it’ll give the Berkley kids more time to focus on their “Save the Western Dakota Crab Weasel” campaign and shop for new “Not My President” baby-tees and Ani Difranco CDs. Fuckin hippies.

Boston College @ NC State. I’d honestly rather watch six hours of Mario Cantone guest hosting The View while jamming a salad fork in my ear hole than sit through this game butttt if I gotta pick then I give this game to the Golden Eagles. The Carter-Finley stadium advantage is negligible for the Wolfpack as Akron can probably tell you and BC just came off a squeaker victory against Jesus-favored BYU, not to mention the thriller against the underrated Clemson Tigers. The eagles are on a streak right now and I don’t think the wolfpack is the team to stop them. BC easily covers the spread and Doug Flutie’s dick seperates from his body, explodes and blinds Chuck Amato in one eye.

Notre Dame @ Michigan State. Logically, I don’t think Weis gets embarassed twice in a row, and I think Notre Dame has much more talent than the Spartans and once again...I don’t care. My stubborn pick for this week goes to Michigan State. Honestly, I’m so sick of hearing about Weis’ miracle working I’d probably pick against them if they were playing a team made up of Hitler, the Canadian Curling team, the entire cast of Sex and the City, and Ted Bundy. CLICK CLACK!

Lightning Round. Matt Stafford decides to take a break and Richt elects to let Uga VIII take a few snaps behind center. Uga throws 12 for 17 for 164 yards and 3 TDs against the Buffs defense. Loran Smith then relates a story about two squirrels he saw that morning which 20 minutes later ends up as an explanation for why he doesn’t shop at Auto Zone anymore. Dawgs cover the spread.
This may be stupid but no I don’t think Florida covers their spread against the Wildcats. The gators win last week should have been by much more than a point which furthers the notion that this goofy Urban Meyer option Utes bullshit is not as effective as it’s hyped to be. That shit may work against San Diego State and UNLV but not in the SEC. The Wildcats still lose the game because of their ridiculous defense but I think they make a couple great special teams plays and a couple of deep strikes downfield and keep Florida off-balance defensively. Kentucky stays within 17 or 20 of the Gators.
And to wrap up the SEC, I’m throwing my pick to FAU to take out a flailing Spurrier Gamecock squad because...well fuck, why not? Even Wofford had a decent shot at toppling them last week and I STILL don’t know where the hell Wofford is. Blake Mitchell’s done pretending he’s an extra on Roadhouse so maybe that stabilizes the offense but...It’s Spurrier, Fuck him. South Carolina chokes on a 4th quarter game winning touchdown drive, Mitchell gets intercepted and FAU takes the game by 4 points.
In parting, Go Falcons!!!! Now if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to go see If I can find those nude pics of Tiger Woods' wife I keep hearing about on Sportscenter. KINCAIDER NATION LIVES!

All right, looks like I'm first up, giving me 5 straight posts. WHERE MY PEOPLE AT. A few things I want to say, and then on to the picks:

It seems I wasn't clear when I was referring to Jeremy Bloom and NCAA violations before. I absolutely agree with The Caned One that what happened to Jeremy Bloom was ludicrous. They don't give you a check with your gold medal. Also, look at what's happening in Clemson. That one player has to support his brother, and the NCAA approved a trust fund be set up for the kid that players, coaches and regular people can contribute to. Granted, it's for a good cause, but this is just barely not pay for play. In either case, both Bloom and Clemson went to the NCAA first to see if what they were doing or wanted to do was ok. Bloom was denied, so he forfeited his eligibility and didn't cost his university anything. The Clemson player was approved, and he gets to play and keep the money while not hurting his school. Reggie Bush and his family knowingly took money and benefits that were clear NCAA violations, and it may cost his school 2 national titles and cost him a Heisman trophy. I say it may cost them national titles because I know when Jim Harrick got in trouble with the UGA basketball team, they had to forfeit the SEC title they won a few years before. The issue of whether or not college athletes should be paid is a different matter, because when Reggie took the money, he knew he wasn't supposed to. Caned's analogy that we've been drilled for so long to get money, and Reggie was just fulfilling that doesn't hold water because of the hundreds of students who don't take improper benefits because it's against the rules. We've also been taught since childhood that we should follow the rules and stay out of trouble. If Caned's life lesson won out over mine, then every body would be robbing banks all the time, because we care more about the money than following the rules. I'll save my breakdown for how paying college atheletes might work for a later piece, but I just wanted to clarify my position a bit. Was Jeremy Bloom screwed? Of course. The NCAA was being insane when they ruled against him. But $100,000 in improper benefits is a different matter, and Reggie deserves whatever is coming to him. If the institution was involved, they should be forced to forfeit all games he participated in, including the championship games.

Anyway, on to the picks:

1) Penn St. vs. Ohio State. If this game were in Happy Valley instead of the shoe, and if Morelli got hot early, Penn St. could pull this off. Ohio State didn't bring their A game last week against Cincinnati and relied on a fourth quarter bustout to pull away for a misleading final score. I think Ohio State was in a classic sandwich game situation (Cincinnati being between Texas and Penn State), and will be much more prepared for this game. I'll take Ohio State and the points in a rout, sending Joe Paterno home unhappy to his nurse who rattles her keys and gives him some applesauce to make him forget the whole thing. Then he poops his pants.

2) Alabama vs. Arkansas. It's hard to believe this is the most exciting game on the SEC slate this weekend. Alabama is undefeated, but have just crept by a couple of really bad teams. Arkansas hung with USC early, but got run out of the stadium late. This game seriously might end up 3-0 because Alabama has a good defense but an offense weaker than the springs on Charlie Weiss's bed, while Arkansas has a decent offense, but a defense softer than my penis after watching a Don Knotts shit-porn video. I'll take Arkansas for the win and the spread, but only because it's in Arkansas (Man it was hard to avoid making a pun on Houston Nutt's name).

3) Arizona State vs. California. Probably the most intriguing matchup on the board, and I know jack shit about either team except Cal got assraped by an overcharged Tennessee team and Arizona State's head coack Dirk Koetter is 0-10 lifetime in the state of California. I can't decide if I'm more surprised by that record or by the fact that there's an American person actually named Dirk. Until Arizona State proves otherwise, I'm going with the trend (and the fact they've not played anybody worth half a squirt of diarhhea). I'm taking Cal for the win, but Arizona State covers. This feels like a 3 point game.

4) Notre Dame and Michigan State. When I used to gamble, I lost a fucking fortune on Michigan State. They were 6 point favorites over Rutgers with a team that was supposed to score 60 a game, and they lost by 2 touchdowns. -$. Then they play an undefeated Notre Dame team, and ND are only favored by 7. MSU puts a monstrous beatdown on the Irish. -$. They're a different team not only from game to game, but minute to minute. It's like there's a switch somewhere, like in Sri Lanka, that some unsuspecting jackass throws, and MSU is unstoppable. Switch off, and I could beat them with 6 hobos, 3 women, and a paraplegic paranoid schizophrenic as my tailback. I swore I'd never try to pick a game involving MSU again, but if I must, I say Weiss's boys bounce back in East Lansing and easily cover the 3 point spread.

5) Boston College and NC State. I live in Boston and don't give a fuck about this game. BC has pissed me off for 2 straight weeks by winning in double overtime at the noon game slot, either causing me to miss the end, or miss the beginning of a game I really want to see. They play down to the opponent, doing just enough to win, which you can do against Clemson and BYU, but it won't fly for long in the ACC. That, and I fucking hate BC and hate when they win. NC State may be one of the worst teams in the country. If they keep at this pace, Chuck Amato will be saying "Do you want fries with that?" by November. BC wins the game and finally wins in regulation by more than 7.

BONUS PICKS: Florida beats the Wildcats in the swamp, but UK makes it interest and keeps it under the 24 point spread. Urban Meyer and the rest of the Gators then gangbang each other in the locker room for 6 hours and go home to play with their doll collection and masturbate to Abercrombie catalogs.

Georgia lays it's 3 straight shutout down and makes Dan Hawkin's anus tighten in rembrance of the assreaming his Boise State team received courtesy of DJ Shockely and Co. last year. UGA wins big in this one and Dan Hawkins goes home to cry into his smurf-blue pillow and gaze longingly at the picture in his room of his old hideous stadium. Is there any coach in America regretting taking their new job more than Dan Hawkins? He's pretty much guaranteed to go 0-11 or 12 or however many games they play this year and he has little in the way of prospects for the future. 3 years before he's at home on Saturdays beating off to "Barnyard Love 8."

And for tonight's game, UVA owns GA Tech. 3 in a row and 4 out of 5. Al Groh has Chan Gailey's nuts in a grip so tight Chan is singing 3 octaves higher right now. Tech reverses that tonight and wins the game big, especially since Virginia is so bad there's no way Reggie Ball can fuck the game up. Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson have huge games and then go home and cuddle together while watching "My Best Friend's Wedding." I guarantee you will hear Calvin Johnson's name at least 50 times tonight. Somebody who's bored count. The ESPN crews think he's the second coming of Xenu or something.

The gauntlet is down.

Alright boys, it's time to get geared up for the weekend. We're over the hump and Saturday is in sight so below are the 5 games we'll be picking both straight up and against the spread, along with a couple of others of interest. For those of you unfamiliar with the nomenclature, the favorite will be marked by a negative number, indicating that if you pick them, they must win by more than that many points. If you take the dog, your team can lose the game, but just not by more than the number indicated. Your straight up win pick obviously doesn't have to match your spread pick. Lines are taken from an online sports book. Home team is listed second.

Onto the lines:

1) Penn State
Ohio State -17

2) Alabama
Arkansas -1.5

3) Arizona State
California -7.5

4) Notre Dame -3
Michigan State

5) Boston College -7
NC State

2 SEC bonus games that count for nothing, but I want your input on:

Kentucky
Florida -24

Colorado
Georgia -27

Feel free to throw in any other games that look interesting to you, but only the 5 numbered above will count. The rest are just for gloating.

I want to get started with Thursday night's game,

Virginia
Georgia Tech -17

Who you got, how much you got em by, and why. Consider this one a warm up.

All picks should be posted by midnight Thursday, except, obviously, the Thursday night pick. Just do that whenever.

The Jeezy's got the strong intuition, the Virus has the knowledge, and The Caned one, well, let's just see what he's got.

Dear Sooner Nation:

SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jesus fucking christ, it's one game at the beginning of your season. As I've pointed out before, I didn't see the end of the game because I wasn't aware it switched networks, but I've seen the main play in question (the onside kick) and I have a few things to point out.

1) Oregon was kicking the ball. This means they had already scored a touchdown. The Sooner defense could have stopped them then, but didn't.

2) It was an onside kick recovery, not a touchdown, so far as I know. So Oregon still had to drive the ball down the field in order to score the touchdown that led to them taking the lead. Again, the Sooner defense could have stopped them, but didn't.

3) Oklahoma had a chip shot field goal (33 yards) as time expired to win, AND HAD IT BLOCKED. You have to put that square on the kicker, because a 33 yard field goal should never have a low enough trajectory to get blocked. Manute Bol shouldn't have been able to block that kick.

Not only are the refs and replay officials suspended, but they're getting death threats from angry fans. Now, I'm a very very serious college football fan, and I take my Dawgs very seriously, but the only way I'd send a death threat is if Spurrier or Fullmer punched Mark Richt in the face. Of course everybody knows Mark Richt is a T-1000 sent from the future to bring home a BCS title to Georgia so the punch would go right through his liquid metal face and he'd snap their arms off at the socket (yes, I watched Terminator 2 last night), but that's about it.

Here's the thing: BAD CALLS HAPPEN. Any Georgia fan out there not remember the phantom Jasper Sanks goal line fumble that cost UGA the Georgia Tech game? The Caned One has already referenced the bogus pass interference call in the national title game a few years ago that may have cost the 'Canes a championship.

Here's the bigger thing. Has replay helped this at all? NO. All replay does is slow down the game, and they only get the calls right about 60% of the time, which seems worse than before because now they're overturning calls they got right the first time around. Look, sports are imperfect, and we need to accept that. The human error factor is a huge part of football (that's why we track INTs and fumbles) and until we design robots who can completely define exactly what holding or pass interference is, we're going to be stuck with the occasional bad call, and some iffy ones as well. Replay hasn't helped that one bit. We now have fewer plays that actually happen on the field, because we want to make sure the ones that do happen are called correctly. Well, it's not working. And on top of that, they wont' scrap the system because it was so expensive to implement. There's no way to fix it because if I understood right, the replay official (or referee, I can't remember which) only had 1 camera angle and was viewing on a 14 inch screen. How is that superior to 5 guys spread all over the field seeing it in real life, in real size? And for fuck's sake, can we stop reviewing the spot of a ball? We waste about 15 minutes in every game reviewing precisely where the ball was when the player's knee hit, and it's rarely a difference of more than a yard. Blood starts shooting out of my ears when they review a touchdown and rule him down at the 1 millimeter line, only to have the offense punch it in on the next play. We don't need precision. Football isn't always a game of inches.

And now for the shame game. Pat Forde wrote a brilliant piece about this debacle on ESPN.com and I encourage everybody to read it. Shame on the University President at Oklahoma and shame on Bob Stoops. The University president is actually calling for the game to be banished from the record books because of the officiating. Why is this any of the president's business? Forde rightly points out that he should be managing the rest of his univeristy and not focusing so much of his energy on the football program. That's the job of the athletic director. Of course, this is the school whose president once said he wanted to develop a school the football team could be proud of. And double shame on Bob Stoops for still carrying this around and threatening to pull out of the game against Washington next year. Bob, you were going to lose at some point this year. That QB you have is borderline atrocious, and Texas is going to hand your ass to you in a few weeks. This only delayed the inevitable. You were never going to win a title with this team, and though it's still possible, you weren't even going to win a conference title. Don't go on TV and say you're not whining when that's exactly what you're doing. Of course, what else would you expect from a Spurrier protege. Spurrier cried and whined more at Florida than a hungry baby with a shit-filled diaper, and it appears he's instilled that ethic into his former assistants.

So the Fuck Off And Get a Life Award of the week goes to: Sooner Nation. Get. Over. It.

I'm gonna close with a quote from Pat Forde's column. Here's the link, for those who want to read it in its entirety (almost all my sources were culled fromt this article):
Forde Yard Dash

"If the scoreboard says you lost, you lost. That's not going to change. Take an hour to vent postgame, then try to regain your sanity. Do not diminish your quality of life -- and the quality of life of those around you -- by spewing for days about the refs who cheated your team, the flagrant league bias against your team or the complete lack of class displayed by the team that beat your team. Your team l-o-s-t. Try to deal."

I was going to make this a comment on the post, but it got too long. This is what happens when you have a boring job:

Wow, Severely Caned is wrong a lot. Have F-Jeezy tie your arm off before you shoot up to post next time. Jeremy Bloom is the skier you're referencing, and the reason he was denied NCAA eligbility (after playing for a few years at Colorado) is because in order to continue to ski, he needed endorsement deals. With the NCAA, you can be a pro in any sport except the sport you play in college (See: Chris Weinke, Crackhead - er Quincy Carter, and Jeff Samarjajf;afjleijl;ija...all pro baseball players who played football in college, but never baseball, so they still had all their years of academic eligibility left), the only thing (well, there are a ton of things, ask Maurice Clarett and Reggie Bush, but this is the big one) you can't do is take endorsements, regardless of what sport the endorsement is for, and you really can't ski without endorsements, since there's not a lot of dough for going down a mountain really fast on two sticks. That's also why you never see a player on the cover of an NCAA video game unless they've graduated already. Bloom didn't enter the draft, but recently signed a 4-year deal with the Eagles, and is currently on injured reserve. On the bright side for him, he apparently finished 9th in the Olympics on the Moguls, whatever the hell they are (thanks ESPN.com).

Also, Oklahoma was almost unbeatable in the early 2000's, as evidenced by their national title, and only didn't get a second one because they caught a hot LSU team at the wrong time, and ran right into a USC buzzsaw (by the way, who did Miami play for their title? A Nebraska team that just got shellacked by Colorado and didn't even win their own conference?). Since they lost their 6th year senior, Jason White, who inexplicably won a Heisman trophy, it's been downhill ever since. They're tied for most BCS title game appearances with USC. If they had a decent QB this year, they'd be the odds on favorite to win the title, since they have every other piece in place (though I think Adrian Peterson is overrated, but that's for another post).

And Reggie Bush, wow. Can you imagine being an Auburn fan right now? If they strip USC of the title they won that year, who does it go to? Auburn was also undefeated, along with whoever USC assraped in the title game (was it Oklahoma?), so it seems a little unfair to toss it to the runner up just because the BCS computers didn't know dick, but there's really no other way to do it. Auburn finished #2 in the standings after the season ended, but how can you give them the title if they weren't in the championship game? I really want nothing more than for Reggie to drag the whole USC program down with him and cause an even bigger controversy with the BCS and how to retroactively handle the title. We all need to be rescued from the BCS as soon as possible. I hope 8 teams go undefeated this year and all those computers explode. Anyway...

But Miami does suck. A whole lot. Like, it's getting sad to watch. Watching Miami is like getting a hummer from Paris Hilton: boring, mechanical, passionless, coked up, and a little scary because you're not sure that gonorrhea can't be transmitted through oral sex. Maybe there's a question our mentally challenged Miami fan can answer.

Quick update, apparently there's no permanent damage to Pollack, no damage to the spinal cord, and he has full feeling in all his extremities. He's expected to make a full recovery without surgery, but has been placed on injured reserve, so is out for the year. Good luck David, and get well soon.

Source: ESPN.com

Ok ok, just quick retorts while i'm sober. Were neither of you guys near a television set with ESPN? Cuz I DID see the last part of the Oklahoma/Oregon game and either it was on ESPN, ESPN2, or all the cheap beer i've ingested has created a John-Travolta-Phenomenon-esque tumor in my skull that bestows magical powers upon me. I hate to say it since I did pick the Ducks in that game but those referees shouldn't be suspended so much as they should be forced to let Sooner fans put out lit cigarettes on their genitalia for the next week and a half. Here's the thing, they shortened college football, the only thing on this planet I would pass up sex for, to make room for the new video review bullshit that makes the NFL so damn annoying nowadays and what do you know...not only did the system fail but it failed in such a way that it cost a better team a game that without those calls they would have won. True, Oklahoma had a chance to take the lead back and win the game but blew it on that blocked kick, but they should have never been put in that situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm no sooner fan. I wouldn't step foot across the Oklahoma border if Natalie Portman was swimming nude in a pool filled with bacon and Pabst Blue Ribbon, buttttt they should have won the game. Plain and simple. The two RIDICULOUS calls, which were both reviewed and allowed anyway were the stupidest thing a referee has done since Mills Lane decided it would be a good idea to get a courtroom TV Show. If those refs are that incompetent than good riddance. I can't imagine a team out there that would want those guys calling their game. The NCAA really needs to scrap this video review crap before the greatest thing America has going for it gets just as aggravating and boring to watch as the NFL or Arena Football. Hell, I say let's extend the game to 14 hours, let the players use flamethrowers and ninja stars, and put all that money you saved by pawning those video review machines into research for a way to make college football an aphrodisiac to women. Problem solved.
As far as Reggie Bush is concerned, he should have his heisman stripped for making those ridiculous Diet Pepsi commercials. He and his New Orleans offense are going to have much bigger problems then oversized trophies if John Abraham gets healthy for next week. I might even make it all the way through that game without falling asleep. And Johnboy, I have to agree with you about Cold Pizza. Will someone PLEASE bring Kenny Mayne back to ESPN? I know he needs work, i see his insurance commercials eight times a day. You're slippin sportscenter.

I'd like to pour one out on the curb for Erk Russell, an old-school hardnosed sumbitch of a defensive coordinator who was instrumental in establishing success at two Georgia football powerhouses: UGA and Georgia Southern. Erk passed away after a car accident before the South Carolina game, and I hope Willie Martinez is using Erk's legacy as a sparkplug for that defense, because they've not given up a point since his death. Erk is a legend in Georgia athletics, and will be sorely missed.

Also, everybody send your good thoughts to one of the most beloved Georgia players in recent memory, perhaps second all time to Herschel, David Pollack, who suffered a broken neck. I don't know the details, but I'm assuming it happened in Sunday's game. It's heartbreaking to think of someone I watched play with such passion and enthusiasm for four years braced up in a hospital bed. I don't know what the prognosis is except he's out for the year, but join me in wishing him a speedy recovery and a return to the field to continue what was beginning to look like a very promising career.

I hope there won't be too many updates like this, but these two legends of Georgia football should be memorialized here, and should be in our thoughts when they suffer injuries as severe as David Pollack has. Glory glory boys.

A quick thought while riding on the bus today:


IF Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino lined up on one goal line and took off running in a 100-yard dash at the same time Mike Gottfried started to recite the alphabet, who would finish first?

TRICK QUESTION!

Mark Mangino dies at his own 30 lard line, Weis makes it to opponent's territory but is struck by lightning because Touchdown Jesus does not like to have the opposition hang 40 on the domers, and Mike Gottfried forgets what he's doing somewhere around "F" and tells a story about a sandwich he ate one time at a diner that lasts for 8 hours and has 100 words in it.

And since we seem to have an unhealthy obsession with obesity and man-tits on this blog, I want to point out that Philip Fulmer is starting to sport a pretty sexy set of manmaries lately. If Tennessee and Notre Dame played, I'd have to change the channel when the coaches jog to midfield after the game, especially if one had a gatorade bath beforehand.

Hey! Who wants to have a wet T-shirt contest with some of these coaches! We can print a calendar and then sandpaper our eyes out of our head. I'm really just hoping that the image of Charlie Weiss running in slow motion drenched in gatorade has at least one person reaching for a trashcan so he toss his breakfast. Then I'll know we've made a difference.

Larry Coker expresses his inner anguish with an impromptu accapella version of Clay Aiken's "Measure of a Man".

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK! It's young F-Jeezy with the Rugged V for a review of this week's action, or at least the shit I can remember which, honestly, ended somewhere around the 8th High Life tallboy. Anyway. This weekend was so sweet I'm actually dusting off my 1998 Michigan Wolverine Rose Bowl shirt. I’m not sure if they won the 98 Rose Bowl or why I even own the shirt in the first place but that’s not the point. The point is I start off my blogging career with a perfect 6 for 6 game call record. Granted I didn't come near any of my point spreads but it's kind of hard to call those sorts of things when half the games touted to be the nailbiters of the evening turned into 3 hour powerhouse bloodbaths. Whichhhh of course brings me to....the Hurricanes.

That's right folks, the mighty Cane dynasty has fallen, failing to be ranked for the first time since Larry Coker was capable of a substance-free erection. But fear not Canes fans, there something bright on the horizon in South Beach and no it's not a footshaped gas pedal for your Iroc-Z or a blowout sale on silk dress shirts, I'm talking of course of the fact that Mumra the Everliving, Larry Coker himself, has finally signed his departure papers. And it's only 3 years too late. I say dump every single member of that coaching staff, give it a year or two for some new recruits and new staff growing pains, and you guys will be stealing car stereos in celebration again in no time.

And nowwww the Bowden Bowl. I had a feeling this would come down to whether Bobby Bowden's crew had finally figured out which endzone was theirs. Luckily the defense remembered. Twice. On the plus side, with a kick record like that, that twinkletoed Clemson kid has a bright future in Atlanta to look forward to in a couple of years. But the Tigers do pull the upset and Bobby Bowden’s hopes at hoisting a national championship trophy above his head one last time fade faster than Mark Mangino’s hopes of ever seeing his penis again. Sorry slugger.


Charlie Wies is FAT!






I know everyone’s expecting me to get all high and mighty about my Notre Dame (That’s NOR-trah DAY-m Flutie. Go back to Canada where people other than a handful of Golden Eagle grads actually remember you and take your grammar lessons with you chief) pick and how I was right all along about how overrated they were and those people would be absolutely right. BRING OUT THE SOAPBOX BOYS CUZ I...FUCKING...TOLD....YOU....SO. Jesus Jumpin Christo Quinn, I’ve seen more exciting matches on Celebrity Poker Showdown. Michigan was up by three scores before Notre Dame could even figure out how to move the ball 10 yards! Buck up Weis, now that your title hopes are shot you’ll have more room on your mantle for your Fried Snickers Eat-a-Palooza cup. Better luck next year horsetits. I know it’s a couple of days early but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Lloyd Carr’s Spartan neighbors pick up where his boys left off and lay a 265 point beating on the Irish.

LIGHTNING ROUND! I was slightly suprised at Florida’s squeaker in Knoxville but again Ainge proved that when the pressure is on he’s really damn good at throwing the ball to the other team. How does that line from It’s a Wonderful Life go? "Everytime a Volunteer team gets their heart broken in their home stadium, some guy in a trailer park somewhere loses a finger"...something like that, I was never a Stewart fan. And on the topic of SEC I’m still not sure whether Auburn is a better team or Jamarcus Russel just has no depth perception. Someone out there needs to remind that jackass how a hail mary works. Who the fuck throws the ball 5 yards short of the end zone for a last second game winner? Andddd on a random note, congratulations are in order for Mississippi State for scoring their first points of the season and STILL losing to Tulane putting them neck and neck with the Colorado Buffalos who blew their season opener against Montana State, a team made up of two janitors, a hobo named Patches, a crosseyed ranchhand and a decrepit sheepdog named Dusty, for the title of the absolute worst team in the NCAA. See you in a couple days.

Ralph here, the reason to the Jeezy's rhyme, checking in with a review of what went on over this big time weekend. I'll be making picks in the future, but since the blog was launched during halftime of the noon game, I didn't exactly have time to get anything coherent together. On to the recap.

1) The most important team to this pair of bloggers, the Georgia Bulldogs, roll out a second straight shutout. Yeah, it was UAB, but still, 12 points in 3 games is pretty respectable, especially when one of the opposing coaches was the old ball darth visor too many fucking nicknames whiny-ass Steve Spurrier. There are few things more gratifying than seeing Spurrier try to yank his headphones off and end up with his visor yanked down over his eyes. He can't seem to remember that there's nothing on the top of a visor to keep it from going down over his face. I guess that's why he coached at Florida and South Carolina, so he could relate to his players on an intellectual level.

In any case, Stafford was solid again, threw another interception, and basically just didn't mess up too badly. Can he hang with a defense like Florida or Auburn? I don't think so yet. Maybe after he walks over Colorado he'll get some more decent experience.

2) One more chance to bust Spurrier's balls, South Carolina 27 - Wofford 20. I guess Smelley needs more grooming before he's the future of that club. All 3 of the Carolina faithful will be glad to see Brawling Blake Mitchell under center next week.

3) What the hell Notre Dame? I mean, what the hell? Jeezy called it, I'll give that to him, right down to the 3 INT line on Quinn (which I think I told him on the phone), but holy god. Charlie Weiss hasn't taken it up the ass that bad since he had to break up with Tom Brady to take the Notre Dame job. Kudos to the wolverines and their statue of a head coach for just a brilliant beat down.

4) When someone can explain Michigan State to me, I'd be more than willing to listen.

5) The Auburn - LSU game was BRUTAL to watch. I said at the beginning it might be 6-3, but I didn't want to be right. And why are people so high on Jamarcus Russell? Just because you can throw it really far doesn't mean you can throw it to someone, especially someone wearing the same jersey as you. For a guy with a cannon, he throws one of the worst deep balls I've ever seen. Randy Moss can't catch the shit he chucking downfield. If it wasn't for the defense, LSU would have shit and nothing as their options for winning games. For Auburn, the defense was ferocious, but again, Jamarcus Russell. The offense did just enough, Irons was solid and that QB stayed composed. Impressive performance by the now #2 Tigers.

6) Tennessee - Florida: Urban Meyer is a fucking idiot. Yes, he won the game, but he is going to get Chris Leak killed if he keeps trying to run option with him. The only bigger dumbass was John Chavous, Tennessee's defensive coordinator. Every damn time Tim Tebow came on the field, he ran a quarterback draw, and every damn time, he gained yardage. Even after the 6th run, Tennessee couldn't figure this strategy out. Meyer brings him in on 4th down, and I'd say the whole stadium knew he was running, but it is Tennessee, and they were probably wondering what kind of magic Urban Meyer was using to keep shifting his QB from black to white, but the whole world knew it was a run AND FUCK IF HE DIDN'T GET A FIRST DOWN. Also, 2 TD passes, both on the same pass play. I thought this Tennessee defensive coordinator was supposed to be one of the best in the country? Urban Meyer ran a pop warner style offense, and Tennessee was too fucking dumb to match them. Also? Erik Ainge. 1st pass. INT. He's a junior UT fans, so you've got 1 more year of this.

7) Bowden Bowl. FSU really sucks. Really, really sucks. Defense and special teams are all they have. I wonder if Bobby calls Mark Richt in the middle of the night sobbing, begging him to come back.

8) Tx Tech and TCU - Who fucking cares? But Tx Tech held to 3 points? That's impressive. So let's all forget about this.

9) Oregon and Oklahoma. What the fuck happened? My station took me away from this game with 6 minutes left and OK up 10. ORE somehow scores 14 points in 3 minutes and then blocks a fucking kick? Are you kidding me? Fuck you ABC. Eat shit and die.

10) USC and Nebraska - Everybody raise your hand if you picked Nebraska. Now go kill yourself, because you're too stupid to live. Jeezy only off by 1 point in his assessment here.

To wrap it up, Brady Quinn was my Heisman guy until I saw Steve Slaton again last Thursday. Holy shit. Adrian Peterson is not the best back in the country, I don't care what anybody says. I thought Slaton might break 400 if they left him in. That WVU offense is unstoppable. If they had a defense, they might be worth a shit.

Parting shot: to Miami: YOU FUCKING SUCK. 31-7???? FIRE LARRY COKER TODAY. I could win 10 games with the talent he has. The year he wont the title, they could have coached themselves, and probably would have won by more. Larry Coker is a fucking idiot who can't coach for shit. Call Denny Ericksson at Idaho. I'm sure he'd be willing to leave the land of potatoes behind to come back to South Beach. What's Butch Davis up to these days? Hell, I'll take the job. A retarded monkey could win more games than Larry Coker.