WEEK 12 PICKS - THE CHOSEN ONE...FOOTBALL JESUS

WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME BITCH! OH Sweet, nubile and currently legal (i think) olsen twins tits, it's been a good while since I've had the privilege of waxin' football on that ass and it appears that we couldn't have picked a better time than now to get back on that crosseyed Mark May-molested pony. Now USUALLY I save my rants and raves for the end of these little things but this shit has just become too good. The cluster fuck that is the college football top ten is enough to make one of those little asian-rubix cube masters pop a few blood vessels. I mean let's look at this, Amongst the top 10 teams right now...Ohio State has to play Michigan, USC has to play Notre Dame, Rutgers has to play West Virginia, and chances are that Arkansas will face off with Florida...I've tried for the last 26 hours straight to make a decent prediction on who's going to end up with the championship bid, besides the winner of the Buckeye/Michigan state team, and I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant...that's about all I can tell you. Buttttt the Jeezy himself has come up with an answer. My Solution? We take the 5 teams left after this last minute gangbang of a top 10 and have them compete in a bake off. Best of three. I got my cash on Charlie Weiss. That son of a bitch makes a mean fried chili dog. YIPPEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER, LET'S GET TO IT!

Thursday Night Yeehaw Time.

West Virginia @ Pitt...I would say that West Virginia sleeps on this one but in the last two weeks, the Mountaineers actually have a legit shot and making it back to National Championship status with a win here and against Rutgers. With that being said there's nothing more I like to see than a team with championship hopes have them dashed to the dirt because as a Georgia fan, we call that "regular season". But I don't see it happenin here. West Virginia takes down Pitt, but doesn't cover that spread with their lack of defence.

The Good Shiyat.

Michigan @ Ohio State... Oh sweet god. According to the ESPN, "We've got way too much free time after Kenny Mayne left" poll, apparently the ONLY two states in America that believe that Michigan has a shot in this one are Michigan and Wyoming. When a state shamed by the spit-palm debacle that was brokeback mountain is your only ally then things just aint lookin good for ya. You know, I've done a little research here and found a hilarious fact that losers like myself and the other worthless individuals that read this might enjoy. Michigan has done one thing and done it well over the last 4 or 5 decades and that's laughingly tap dance all over the buckeyes hopes of making it to the big dance. With the exception of 2002, Michigan has broken buckeye hearts in 69', 77', 93', 95', and 96'. Now...with that shit out of the way, WHO GIVES A FUCK! Oh how I wish that this game was being played in Ann Arbor so I could feel a little better about the Wolverines shot here...Alright enough dancin' around, here's what's going to happen. The first half will be about as expected back and forth with the defense holding strong for both sides and not a lot of points being thrown up. In the second half the Ohio State defense starts to bend and someone blows a coverage on Manningham for a gigantic play. The Michigan front line gets in Troy Smith's face and forces him to make a couple of bad decisions that end up sinking the Buckeye's title hopes. That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm putting my cash on the Wolverines to make a valiant stand and squeak a victory out in the Horseshoe this weekend. I haven't picked an upset in a while and this one right here's a doozy. HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Cal @ USC...honestly I had the trojans picked for a four game lose-out but somehow...somehow those Socal boys figured out a way to pull it out. Welllll it ends this weekend folks. I know Cal got upset by Arizona last week but honestly that seems to be the trend nowadays. The difference in that one being that about half of an inch of toe hit that little white line and stole the comeback that most of the other contenders have pulled against absolute nobodys. You gotta be out of your mind to think that Cal won't come into this one eager to hand out the same season-crushing medicine they just got forcefed last week. Once again, i'm throwing my pick to the upset, Cal for the victory in whatever goofy name Southern Cal has for it's stadium.

Auburn @ Alabama...The Iron Bowl! Hey I seem to remember one of these teams....I just can't place it...I mean the name sounds so familiar....WHERE do I know those guys from? Oh now I remember, that's the team that got 22 POINTS SHOVED UP THEIR ASS BY, as all the sports-"experts" so eloquently put it every year, "THE MOST OVERRATED TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL" IN YOUR HOME STADIUM. Look for it to take about 2 quarters in this one before Tommy Tuberville can manage to pry Richt's foot from deep in his ass. You know I wish someone would explain Alabama to me. They put up a valiant fight against Tennessee, they looked like they had some life against LSU, and they even gave a nice little scare to Florida, yet everytime, they keep coughing it right back up. Well you know what, I think Alabama has been cockblocked long enough. For the THIRD upset in a row, I'm goin with the Crimson Tide in this one cause you know what, fuck it. ROLL TIDE BITCHES!

Maryland @ Boston College...This just in, noone gives a virgin-mary shaped dog shit. God I don't know about either of these teams besides Maryland's close call with GT and their squeaker against the Canes. You know what, my upset streak has served me well so far so let's keep that train a rollin'. I'm callin the Terps in this one.

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest...Wake Forest DOMINATED Florida State last week. Now I understand that that's about like saying "I DOMINATED that leftover chinese food yesterday." But still, you gotta give it to the Demon Deacons, they've put together a mighty fine team this year. I don't know much about the ACC so I'm not sure if they still have a shot at getting the championship bid for the conference or not but I'm pullin for em'. I mean come on, Demon Deacons just sounds cool, and the black uniforms make me want to listen to Slayer drink a handle of Mr. Boston's and punch some guy in a wifebeater and a bandanna for eyein' my chick wrong. With a perfect five for five on upsets this week, I'm throwin my lot to the boys in black. Get em' Deacons.

LIGHTNING ROUND!!!!!!

Phil Fulmer is a pudding-cup-fucking cockbag. Vandy bucks up and gives the Vols what they've had comin' all year. Arkansas barely covers their spread against the bulldogs...in the first 3 minutes of the game. Nuff' said rreally, Arkansas rolls on this one. Have you ever run across someone that you hated...but then they had the absolute worst luck in the entire fuckin' world. I'm talking absolutely nothing goes right for them EVER in a month or two span. I mean to the point where you actually feel really bad for them? Me neither but I'm still kinda rootin for the Canes in this one...Why? Howie Long's son plays on the Virginia D-Line....and those goddamn radioshack commercials still haunt my dreams...shudder. Canes for the win and the cover.

So here's hoping that every single team in the country gets upset...It's worth a shot at least. Rest up folks, these next couple of weeks are going to be a doozy.

WEEK 12 PICKS RALPHVIRUS

I've got the Jeezy sneaking up on me as we enter the homestretch and I'm near-famously awful at picking bowl games, so I need a cushion and I need it now. Before I get on with my selections, I have a couple of bones to pick. Jeezy gave a good rant about why Rutgers should be considered a national title contender, and I agree with all of his points. The problem as I see it is a bit deeper, though, and it involves the unspoken bias that currently exists in college football. I mean, for two consecutive weeks we had to listen to everybody on ESPN, ABC, CBS, NBC etc. pontificating about how West Virginia and Louisville were alternatingly worthy of appearing in the national championship game because the Big East wasn't a joke anymore and was a competitve conference with a lot of talent. Once Rutgers became the final unbeaten team in the Big East, all of a sudden the Big East isn't good enough anymore and Rutgers is unworthy. Why? My theory is that the sportscasters and anchors and analysts all have a bias against a team like Rutgers that has pretty much sucked for its entire existence and they aren't willing to part with their stupid notions of who the good and bad teams are. Point in case, Michigan has beaten 1 team in the top ten (when they faced them), and, coincidentally, so has Ohio State. Guess who else has that honor...RUTGERS! Whoever wins the Michigan/Ohio State game will have beaten 2 top 10 teams...if West Virginia stays unbeaten but lose December 2 to Rutgers, Rutgers will have likewise beaten 2 top 10 teams. Another example is Wake Forest. Before the Florida State/Wake Forest game, Lee Corso said Florida State was going to win "big." Why would he say that? Florida State has been unable to put points on the board all year long and Wake Forest's strength was their defense. Also, Florida State was treading water, barely staying around the .500 mark while Wake was 7-2. But, Wake Forest has historically been a wretched team and for the past decade or two, FSU was a really good team. So never mind what has been happening THIS SEASON, take the team that used to not suck. Wake won 30-0. Herbstreit also gave Arizona "zero percent chance of beating Cal." Wanna guess why? These guys forget that 5 years ago, before Jeff Tedford came to Cal and turned them around, nobody gave them a shot in hell the year they broke out. Everybody kept saying they're getting lucky, it'll run out soon. They went 10-1 that year. My point is very simple: in college football, a team shouldn't have to prove itself over a span of several years before they're given the benefit of the doubt. College Football has a very high turnover, and every year is unique, so it's completely unfair to discredit a team because they've not been good historically. Every other sport (and other divisions in college football) allows the teams to settle things on the field. The bias of analysts and sportscasters cannot get in the way because performance and overall record specify who gets to PLAY for the national title. With the poll and BCS system, too many reporters and talking heads make decisions about the worth of a team not by evaluating how good they are RIGHT NOW, but how good they've been the past few years. It's a colossal embarrassment for what I feel is one of the great sports in the country. We can get these old fashioned morons to come around on replay (which is another embarrassment, and which took several years for some of the stodgier analysts to come around to anyway), but you just try to take away their participation in proliferating this clusterfuck of a system and listen to how loud they scream (or cackle retardedly in the case of Craig James).

QUICK PICKS BECAUSE MY EDITORIAL WAS LONG AS FUCK

1) Michigan at Ohio State. I NAILED this line on the phone the other night, and now I wish I hadn't. 7 points sounded just right to me and since I'm not a pussy who opts for a tie, I don't know which way to lean. I'm going to say that the weakest conference in college football this year is either the Big 10 or the Big 12. Is the greatest game of all time? Hardly. Michigan has a very solid run defense, but Troy Smith has the ability to run and throw, and I think that's going to keep Michigan on their heels. Michigan has Manningham back and the solid/boring Mike Hart is still plugging away, but I don't trust Henne in these situatinos. Troy Smith wraps up one of the most unspectacular Heisman campaigns that I can remember and Ohio State wins and covers by a few.

2) Cal at USC. I don't know what to think about Cal anymore. Or USC, for that matter. USC has been a machine since going down to Oregon State, pasting Oregon in the process. Cal is the definition of a Jekyll and Hyde team. They got blown out by an unimpressive Tennessee team early on, and were absolutely stymied by Arizona, but in between they were the most impressive team in the country. Was last week a look ahead loss? Or did Cal run out of gas? I'm going to guess the former and probably cringe all night Saturday. Cal with the upset. New Jersey flips everybody off and goes back to being surly in a puddle of toxic waste.

3) Auburn at Alabama. This one is really easy for me. Alabama is not good this year. Auburn has their moments, and after that whipping by Georgia last week, ole Tommy is going to have his boys ready to go. Auburn pounds Alabama and wins really big, easily covering.

4) Maryland at BC. I don't know why I picked this game. I hate BC. I hate talking about BC. I hate watching BC. BC is the most boring team in college football. I'll take Maryland for the upset because the thought of cheering for BC makes me sick. Yeah, really insightful analysis, right? Fuck off.

5) Virginia Tech at Wake Forest. Another example of the bias I was talking about earlier. Wake is at home, they're 8-2, and they're underdogs. I'm a believer Wake! The Demon Deacons for the upset!

QUICK PICKS

Can I do these in one sentence? Let's find out!

West Virginia at Pittsburgh - I watched this game in Pittsburgh last year with my father-in-law who is a Pitt grad and I saw in that game the same terror I experienced in the Sugar Bowl last year. Pitt can't handle WVU's speed and WVU wins big.

Tenneessee at Vanderbilt - Goddamn I want Vandy to win this game, but I think they used up their karma for the year against Georgia. Crompton pulls it out in Nashville, but Vandy keeps it under the spread. (EDIT: Ainge will be starting this weekend. Don't care. Pick stands.)

Arkansas at Mississippi State - Lines like this make me miss gambling. Arkansas by 4 TDs. SYLVESTER CROOM NOOSE (oh please come back Travis...I miss you! <3 )

Miami at Virginia - What a train wreck for Miami this year. Insult to injury? Nah. Miami salvages some pride and wins by at least seven.

Next week, RIVALRY WEEK MOTHERFUCKERS.

WEEK 12 GAMES AND LINES

Hey hey kids, the Football Jesus is back with a new weeks worth of games that all of us will get wrong. It's a good thing we weren't around last week, because if any of you had Texas, Cal and Auburn (!!!) going down to Kansas State, Arizona and Georgia, then please give me your address and times you'll be home so I can steal all the nice shit you bought with your sick winnings last week. I tried to calculate what a 3 team parlay on the money line would have amounted to and two of my teeth turned gold just looking at the result. ANYWAY. This week we've got the epic showdown ESPN has been touting as the 30th GAME OF THE CENTURY in the past 6 years, which almost inevitably means a sloppy game that somebody either pulls out unconvincingly or a blowout. My money's on the latter. LET'S GET TO IT:

1) Michigan at Ohio State (-7)

2) California at USC (-5.5)

3) Auburn (-3) at Alabama

4) Maryland at Boston College (-7)

5) Virginia Tech (-1.5) at Wake Forest

THURSDAY NIGHT THRILLER!

West Virginia (-10.5) at Pittsburgh

INTERESTING LINES
Tennessee (-9) at Vanderbilt -- Can Vandy make it two in a row?
Arkansas (-14) at Mississippi State -- Only a two touchdown favorite? They beat Tennessee by 17!
Miami (-3) at Virginia -- Oh how the mighty have fallen.

AND TO HELL WITH WAR EAGLES!

Glory glory bitches. I don't know how Richt used his witchcraft to squeeze the 72' dolphins into those red and white uniforms, and I don't give a shit. Just when you thought the dawgs had nothing left and we were on pace for a 6 out of 7 loseout which included Vanderbilt and Kentucky, we actually acted like a real football team, playing 4 quarters of oldschool ball that kept one of the best quarterbacks in the league to 41 yards passing and 4 count em' 4 interceptions. Stafford's finally acting like a leader and besides his two cough-ups, one of which he really couldn't have helped, played a flawless game. Tra Battle has earned himself a big juicy filet mignon on my dime as well for making Brandon Cox have a game that will more than likely haunt him for the rest of his collegiate career. 37 to 15?! thirty fucking seven to fifteen?!?! That's not a loss, Tommy...that's a cry for help.

It seemed like the weekend for underdogs, with Rutgers pulling an amazing 2nd half comeback on the 3rd ranked Louisville Cardinals, and then within minutes being told that the conference they were a part of, the same conference where Miami was never questioned for their national championship capabilities not too long ago, AND where two possible national champions were being groomed in Louisville and West Virginia, wasn't strong enough and therefore they didn't deserve to be in the big dance. If Mark May and Corso could remove their air tight lips from the balls of Pete Carroll and Bobby Bowden then they might notice that Rutgers has played out of conference teams that were just as terrible as those of their counterparts in WV and Louisville (Yeah I know Louisville laid the wood to Miami but even our italian colleague would agree that Miami is looking more and more like they could get their ass handed to them by the team from Little Giants), two teams that they both said fully deserved the shot at that ridiculous football/punchbowl trophy, AND are in the process (with a win in the coming weeks) of laying to rest the National Championship hopes of two top 10 teams. I'd put my money on the boys from New Jersey against Texas (the team everyone was batting their eyelashes at and then proceeded to get their ass kicked by Kent State I think it was), Florida (a team that pulled a victory over South Carolina at the swamp by the skin of their teeth), and Cal (another team everyone was singing the praises of that got upset by a nobody).

But, if i had to choose anyone team that looks like they deserve a bid with the way their playing, it would have to be Arkansas. OF COURSE i'm biased here and no amount of arguing could ever convince me that there's a conference out there that even closely resembles the absolute bloodbath that the SEC becomes year in and year out. Arkansas proved they can win without their freshman QB phenom and McFadden is looking like what Adrian Peterson was supposed to be for the last 12 years. Not to mention Mr. McFadden put on a CLINIC against a legit Tennessee squad (hold on...i think i just vomited in my mouth a little...). I think this team takes it to LSU, and then beats the piss out of that brainfreeze of a team that is Florida right now. Let's be real, USC doesn't beat Cal, Notre Dame doesn't beat USC, Cal-Texas-Auburn-Louisville are out of the race, what the hell. It's time teams like Arkansas and Rutgers got a little respect. And hell it's not like it really matters anyway. The way Michigan and Ohio State are playing right now noone's going to beat whoever walks away from that shootout. This seems to ring very similar to the talk in the NCAA Basketball Tourney last year where everyone stomped all over George Mason until they made it into the Final Four at which time they all started getting giggly like little school girl bitches about the prospect that they might actually make it. You know chances are that Rutgers wouldn't stand a shot in hell in the championship but that's not the point. The point here is that I'm sick of cocky little fucks like Mark May always finding a way to piss on any feel-good story that happens in college football. I wish Lou Holtz would jam those fruity glasses of Mark's right down his smug little throat. Now I'm aware old glory teams like Texas and Florida pull in more money for the powers that be in the BCS but it's about time that we started recognizing a good team when we see one, and Rutgers deserves AT LEAST that much respect this year fellas. Go Scarlet Knights!

And I'm out...bitches.