WEEK 8 PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS

SWEET DANCING ANN COULTERS MY INTERNET ACTUALLY CONNECTED! Apologies for the late post here guys but “technical difficulties” and the speedy reliable internet services of Third Reich Communications, or Charter as you might know them, have teamed up to try and get me to break a window with my bare hands. You know if it weren’t for the fact that this box provides so many enjoyable pictures of young women, jumper cables, and the 1984 Chicago Blackhawks line-up having a little good ol’ American fun, then I’d probably trade this fucking useless thing in for some pork rinds and 24 ounce Icehouse right about now. But anyway....FUCK IT! LETS GET TO IT!

Georgia Tech @ Clemson. This is probably one of the best match-ups in the last three weeks as far as i’m concerned. These guys both have explosive offenses and utilize a lot of weapons. It aint too shabby on defense either people, I mean we’re talking the number 6 run defense in the country, Clemson, against the number 7 run defense in the country, Georgia Tech. Ohhhhhh I think I just peed a little. Here’s the kicker in this one though, Tech has shown that when they build a slight lead they tend to get a little too conservative and ignore their deep threat Johnson. Virginia Tech was making a decent comeback that was halted by the Jacket defense and I STILL contend that Tech should have won that game against Notre Dame they just got too pussy on play calling once they started to inch ahead. Clemson on the other hand can play fourth quarter football, pulling out shockers against Wake Forest and Florida State with their last minute heroics. I think i’ve made the comment that I would never pick against Georgia Tech if they played an away game against a ranked team but if there’s one thing i’ve learned over the last two or three years it’s that I would NEVER follow my advice. Clemson takes this game but doesn’t cover the large spread here. Expect a shoot-out and another fourth quarter explosion by the Tigers that leaves Reggie Ball in a Montell-esque “My thirteen year old is out of control” tantrum and seals the loss for the Ramblin’ Wreck. Tigers Win, Jackets Cover.

Texas @ Nebraska. The battle of the tractor-fuckers starring Roadhouse extra-Colt McCoy. How come this rivalry doesn’t come with a gay menstraul metaphor name like the Oklahoma/Texas game? While Nebraska has been holding on for their Big 12 life, Colt McCoy has been practicing his line dancing and writing fan letters to Big and Rich on the sidelines waiting for a decent competitor. If this was playing itself out in Texas then It would be a laughably easy pick but since it’s in Nebraska I’m a little more skeptical to just throw the bone to Texas and walk here. I mean Nebraska has looked mediocre at best, just inching their way through a couple of easy games AND the huskers are still desoerate for respect after getting donkey punched by the still unconvincing Trojans buttt.....well who the fuck am I kidding, Nebraska won’t win this and they sure as hell won’t stop a 7 point spread. Texas holds off another redemption push by Nebraska. Texas wins and covers.

Iowa @ Michigan. Jesus, it’s absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to pick an upset this week. Iowa screwed me royally and might be one of the most dissapointing teams, besides my own boys to hit the field this season. For the life of me I can’t find out whether or not Manningham is back or not but once I did a little research, I figured out how little that matters against a defense that could be roughly compared to a special olympics red rover team. The hawkeyes have given up 400 yards to their opponents in four straight games which isn’t that horrible a stat with two of the teams being Ohio State and Purdue (the other being Indiana which as a side note also gained 160 yards on the ground against the Hawkeyes) but it’s a damning stat when you’re walking into the Big House. Call me conservative but I’m not retarted enough to go with Iowa here. BUT, Michigan did fail to cover a small spread against Penn State and so I’m not going to give them the cover love. Michigan Wins, Iowa Covers.

Shit, I just realize it’s getting late and I got shit to do today so the rest of these games get to go in the LIGHTNING ROUND! Bobby Bowden is creepy. Plain and simple. If he wasn’t a head coach he’s be dressing up like a clown and murdering male hookers. FSU’s glory days are OVER, yeah you heard it, O-V-E-R. Bowden is pulling an Aerosmith and annoying the last few fans he has left by dragging himself through these last couple of miserable seasons. FSU might just have the worst offense of any team in the ACC or the league (cough...Georgia...cough cough) for that matter. Boston College keeps proving me wrong day in and day out so If you can’t beat em’, root for em’ when they play bowden that’s what I always say. Boston College spanks Bowden at home.

Alabama @ Tennessee. Man I want to pick Alabama. Alabama may be the one team in the SEC that doesn’t turn my stomach and for some odd reason I always have a soft spot for the Crimson Tide. Sadly this game is in Knoxville and Tennessee is rolling. Only if Eric Ainge has a horrible hair bleaching incident before the game and Robert Meachem gets a raging case of the West Bangkok clap can Alabama even pray to have a shot against these boys. Bama couldn’t get to the QB if Fulmer himself sat solo on the offensive line and sadly that’s the only way you’re going to topple these guys right now. The Hillbilly Warriors roll over the Crimson Tide and covers the spread easily.

Rutgers @ Pitt. Drill holes in my dick and play it like a french horn. I have no idea what to think about either of these teams and could live the rest of my life not caring honestly. I know Virus is on the Palco bandwagon and honestly, when it comes to this sort of shit...The Virus Knows! I wish the spread was a little higher because then I’d just go for a cover shot but unfortunately it aint. But since our picks are pretty much the same down the line and this is one of the few games I know absolutely nothing about, I’ll go ahead and throw out an upset here. This game goes to the still undefeated....um....Rutgerians? What the hell is their team name anyway? How about the Rutgers Fighting Pube Cannons. I like that. I’ll bill you later.

As for the other games? Georgia couldn’t cover the spread if they were playing the midnight shift at Burger King right now. Granted it’s Mississippi State and the only way that sorry bunch knows how to get to the stadium is to follow the noose trailing from Sylvester Croom’s neck. YEAH I SAID IT! PLUS HE’S BLACK! Leave it to a Mississippi State fan to start throwing the racist card whenever people talk bad about their miserable coach. I don’t give a shit if the guy was one of those tripod aliens from War of the Worlds he still couldn’t coach his way to a pee wee league championship. Jesus at least we suck it up and accept when our team plays lousy. Go watch soccer or something you pansy. You know what Georgia puts up 30 points on Croom’s boys and at halftime they all jam plastic forks in their eyeholes and STILL cover the spread. Fuck Mississippi State.

Vanderbilt aint good folks, we’re just that bad. South Carolina’s new quarterback is scary and he’ll have a standout game in this one. Easy cover.

I got me a baseball championship game to watch fellers. See you next week.

WEEK 8 RALPHVIRUS PICKS AND PREDICTIONS

I feel like crap today so this is going to be short and sweet.

1) I want to take GT so bad in this game that it hurts. They own Clemson over the last decade, but Clemson hasn't had an offense like they have now probably ever. They are the #1 scoring offense in college football, and that's after playing teams like Wake Forest, Florida State, and Boston College. Tech has a really good defense, but I think Clemson rolls at home. Gimme Clemson and the points.

2) Texas is only getting 7 at Nebraska? There must be something about Nebraska that's invisible to me. I don't care if he is a freshman QB in Lincoln, Colt McCoy and co. get this one done. If they can beat Oklahoma by 18, they can easily beat Nebraska by 7. Texas and the points.

3) Iowa at Michigan. I have no idea if Manningham is healthy, and I don't know if it matters. Iowa is coming off a horrendous loss to Indiana, and still can't get their offense or defense started. They've been treading water all season and Michigan has looked consistently good. I'm afraid they're going to get too conservative on offense to cover that spread, but in the big house, with or without Manningham I'll go with Big Blue for the win and cover (noticing a trend yet?)

4) I have no idea on this one. Normally you'd never bet against Bobby Bowden in the swamp, but FSU still has no offense, and their defense is too undisciplined to stop a methodical attack like BC. Plus I'm tired of BC screwing me when I pick against them. Double jinx in effect, but I'll take BC on the road here.

5) I can't figure Alabama out. Brody Croyle wasn't good enough to lead them to a 13-1 or whatever it was record last year, and their defense was good, but not THAT good. They hung with Florida, and just pulled one out against Duke. Meanwhile, Tennessee is playing like a team possessed right now, and as long as Erik Ainge can stay on his feet and find those insanely talented receivers, I don't know if they can be stopped. I know this is old school SEC rivalry, but Bama just isn't very good this year, and in Neyland stadium, Tennessee takes the game and covers.

6) Rutgers has been moving the ball with a powerful rushing attack and a stout defense. Lately, Pitt has been lighting up every defense they've come across. QB Palko's line? 70.8% completions, 17 TD, 3 INT, 4 sacks, 1661 yards for a rating of 188.59, 60 points higher than his rating last year. Heisman frontrunner Troy Smith's rating? 172.75. Wow. I keep calling for Rutgers to finally lose because I lost the first ever bet I placed on them, and here I think I might get my wish. Pitt gets the win and there's no way a rushing attack can keep up with the kind of numbers Palko is putting up right now, so Pitt takes the points too.

Yes, I took all favorites and their lines. Kentucky taught me a lesson last week, and it's that I don't know shit about picking upsets, so I'm staying with my strengths. And if I was a gambling man, I'd bet every nickel I had on South Carolina this weekend, because Vanderbilt is getting too much credit for their win in Athens. Georgia played a miserable game, and Spurrier has the Gamecocks clicking right now with Syvelle Newton at QB. I know the game's in Nashville, but there is no home field advantage for Vanderbilt. That stadium is like a high school stadium. Likewise, I can't believe UGA is getting 18 against Mississippi State. I hope UGA just wins this one, because I don't know if there's anybody else on the schedule I feel good about facing. But after you lose to Vanderbilt at home, you probably shouldn't be an almost 3 TD favorite the next week unless you're playing a IAA team. Then again, it is Mississippi State.

Final interesting line, the Miami/Duke game opened at Miami -20. After the 13 suspensions, the line only moved to -17. Wow. Way to crack down there Miami. I guess I shouldn't use the word "crack" too much if Miami fans are reading.

WEEK 8 - GAMES AND LINES

Well, since it doesn't look like people want to debate anything, let's just get right to the games this week. It's rebound week for a lot of schools, and there are surprisingly, quite a few good matchups this week. So on to the games. I'm going with 6 this week since we only got 4 last week:

1) Georgia Tech at Clemson (-7.5)
2) Texas (-7) at Nebraska
3) Iowa at Michigan (-13)
4) Boston College at Florida State (Pk...for the gambling impaired, the line is zero, so if you pick the winner, you hit the line too...so you either get 2 or 0 for this one)
5) Alabama at Tennessee -(11.5)
6) Rutgers at Pittsburgh (-6.5)

I was tempted to use the Notre Dame and UCLA game to get back at Jeezy for throwing Michigan State in the mix a few weeks ago, but bygones are bygones, and the 'Bama Tennessee rivalry intrigues me more. The Thursday night game this week is garbage (North Carolina and Virginia? Jesus) and there are few intriguing lines, but here's some for thought:

South Carolina (-3.5) at Vanderbilt
Georgia (-18) at Mississippi State
Wisconsin (-6) at Purdue

For now points stay the same, with the exception being if you don't get your picks in by kickoff of the Thursday night game, you get docked 1 point. One of us has missed every deadline so far, so there's not much mystery who this is aimed at.

WEEKLY TOPIC THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN EVERY WEEK

I think the Jeezy made his point about the Miami/FIU brawl pretty clearly and concisely, and I agree with him about almost all his points, but this is something that I feel is starting to spiral out of control in college football, and that's the lack of respect that the opponents seem to have for one another. This is Miami's THIRD situation in their last 5 games going back to last year's bowl game. There is something seriously wrong in Miami right now, but is it fair for us to limit it to them? So here are a few points and I'd like some insight from everybody on.

1) What should the punishments be for each team? Coach? Player? University?

2) Is this a problem mostly with the Florida teams, namely Miami, Florida State and to a lesser extent, Florida, or is this something you can draw parallels to in other conferences?

3) What's the root cause here? Are these kids being drilled in practice to carry this thuggish attitude and "swagger" around, or is this something they're coming into the program with and the coach is doing a bad job of instilling the value of sportsmanship into them? Is it the players or the coach or some combination that's at fault here?

4) Given what's going on in the NFL with the emphasis shifting from the team to the individual (you can't have a team celebration after a touchdown, but you can do whatever you want to show up the other team or glorify yourself), is it any wonder these kids are beginning to act like this?

5) If your team did this, would you even be able to walk out in public wearing their gear without feeling some sort of shame?

This isn't a test, so you don't have to answer all 5 questions, but they're starters for a discussion here. My first response will be in the comments. John, I'm serious when I say I'm very interested to get your input.

WEEK 7 POINTS - I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE CRYING SHAME



After a 3 day drinking binge, the Jeez returns with the tally of the heartbreaking week that left all three of us here shaking our collective heads and hiding our team shirts under jackets (thank god for fall). Let's get to what everyone wants to know. Vanderbilt...I'm going to make this short because I don't enjoy vomiting in my own mouth as much as people would think. Georgia is hurting right now and I think it's about time for Richt to start cleaning house. Martinez has to go, our defense is a far cry from the dominating, intimidating red wave they used to be and one sack of the Vanderbilt quarterback (they did get one didn't they?) is just not acceptable. Maybe if they got some of those RIDICULOUS mohawk haircuts they might scare a high school team or two but that's about the best they can hope for. If there's one thing I've learned since I've been a football fan it's this...conservative football does not breed champions, it may keep a number next to your team's name but that's not what we're going for here. When you give up big air plays to one of the laughing stocks of the SEC, not to mention allowing a 4th and 5 to be converted with a game on the line that never should have been that close to begin with there are problems that need to be addressed. The plus side (wince)? Now's the time to throw Stafford in as starter for the rest of the season. The SEC is out of reach and we're one victory away from a bowl game with Miss. St. coming up next week. It's time Stafford got in there for four quarters, got his ass kicked, got frustrated, make himself a leader to the boys standing in the huddle next to him and figure out a way to win. He needs confidence desperately right now and the boys around him need to be able to believe that he's going to lead them to the endzone instead of the sideline when he starts barking out commands. Also, he needs to get a first hand look at Florida, Auburn, AND Georgia Tech because these are three teams that are going to haunt his dreams for the next four years as a Georgia Bulldawg. I don't expect him to win any of those games this year, but sometimes the best experience is a good ass kicking at the hands of better teams.

Next off. Miami. I don't have a lot to say about this incident that has been reiterated 20 times an hour on ESPN so I'll make this short. The shit was ridiculous and disgusting. The way I see it, it's an HONOR to wear that sticker on the side of your helmet. You haven't proven yourself just by getting to walk out on the field, you prove yourself every step you take on that field for every year you spend at that university . In the case of my boys, it's a fucking privilege to wear that G on the side of your head and to rip through that banner between the hedges (not that they're playing like it). You represent yourself, a 90 thousand seat stadium full of proud fans, the history of your program, and an entire nation of fans across the country with your as well as other team logos on their chest. Coker has lost control of his team and needs to go. Not only that but half that group of spoiled little thug wannabes need to be completely cut from the program and trade in their helmet for a paper waffle house hat. Then maybe they'll appreciate the game we love so much.

Now to the points. One again the Caned one has failed to turn in his points which might have been a better week to do it since it was more or less an 8 point week after I fucked up and forgot that Virginia Tech/Boston College was a thursday night game. I missed the call by a long shot anyway so that game is scratched. I'm up for a debate on whether or not the entire week should be scrapped and forgotten but until I hear a good reason, here they are.

#2 Florida - 10 @ #11 Auburn - 27. The one time in my life I've ever cheered for Tuberville and hopefully the last. Plenty of Chris Leak hitting the dirt and angry Urban Meyer. Beautiful. Now ranked #4 in the BCS poll behind a struggling USC team that will fall to either Oregon or Cal if not both, and a Michigan team that has to take on the #1 Buckeyes at home at the end of their season, Auburn looks poised to finish out their schedule and cruise into a championship game this year. Anyway, both of us called this one.

FJ - 2 RV - 2 SC - 0

Michigan - 17 @ Penn State - 10. Both of us called the wolves to take it and both called for the points BUT, Penn State decided to push at the last second sooooo.

FJ - 3 RV - 3 SC - 0

USC - 28 @ Arizona State - 21. Man USC just can't put anybody away anymore. A close when at Sun Devil Stadium and a last minute cover killer.

FJ - 5 RV - 4 SC - 0

Kentucky - 0 @ LSU - 49. What the hell happened to that tough wildcat team that gave the gators a run for their money for three quarters? You know what, I don't care if it's unorthodox, i'm DONATING my point to the Virus for making this "fuck-it" award nominated pick of the season.

FJ - 5 RV - 5 SC - 0

So the brothers share a skin this week and a heartcrushing defeat. I'm going to go start drinking again.

Total Points:

RV - 23
FJ - 21
SC - 10

Skins:

RV - 3
FJ - 2
SC - 0

Just as a side note. Can someone PLEASE tell Tony Korheisenweimershmidt how ridiculous he looks? That dude looks like he belongs more in a depression-era soup line with a hole in his shoe then he does sitting in a Monday Night Football booth. Did they find this guy throwing sawdust on vomit in the men's restroom at Giants Stadium or some shit? I hate that guy. Whatever.

WHEN IT RAINS......

First we lose Brandon Coutu, who probably hits that seal-the-game FG against Vanderbilt, but spilt milk and all that...now RB Brown is out for the season with a torn ACL. If there's one place there's depth, it's at RB, but still. This just is starting to feel like a sucker punch year.

At least we didn't stomp a mudhole in a nobody university and proceed to beat the living daylights out of them with our helmets, our crutches (!) and then stomp on them while they're down for no particular reason.

God, what a year. I'd really like to hear John's honest take on that brawl at some point, since he doesn't appear to be making picks anymore. How do you support a team that behaves like that? I'm not being mean, I seriously want to know.

THIS IS NOT A FUNNY POST...REALLY

The Jeezy and I were talking on the phone the other day about how people seem surprised when they find out we're sports fans, and they end up asking us why we like things like football. Jeezy and I aren't your typical all-american kinds of kids. We listen to weird music, we hang out with "different" sorts of people, we're both, in our own way, artistic personality types, we dress funny, we don't cut our hair for months at a time, and in my case, I'm a bespectacled nerd. We're not at all what you would consider to be an "average" guy. Neither of us would ever be invited to join a fraternity, and I've only been to 3 bars in my entire life.

So why, they ask, do you like sports? It's such a typical dude sort of thing to do, and for the most part, neither of you act like "dudes" as such. And while Jeezy was running down his reasons, they lined up almost point for point with mine. Sports are unpredictable, unlike almost everything else on TV or in movies right now. Each sport brings its own strategies along, and its own necessary ways to analyze it, which draws me in from a scientific standpoint. There's a unique sort of psychology to the athelete that you don't see anywhere else except on the field (or in some specific cases, during press conferences).

But the number one reason we watch sports is escapism. One way or the other, whoever wins or loses the game doesn't affect anything outside the insulated world of sports. If the worst team beats the best team, a fissure doesn't open in the earth and swallow the stadium whole. There aren't any matters of worldly importance hanging in the balance, unless you're a gambler, and then it's kind of your own fault for making sure there's a reason you're miserable while watching a game.

I bring this up, because it's important on several levels. People die every day. That's a fact. But when a baseball player crashes his plane into a building, SportsCenter can't get enough of showing the flight map, the burned out buildings, the spectators, and Jeremy Schaap doesn't hesitate to tell us that the Lidle family can't even go to their own home for the media camped out there, presumably himself included. Part of our escapist world has been intruded on by reality, and ESPN clings for dear life to this scrap of reality until it begins to make me wonder where I can go now to get away from this, and I end up watching Spongebob for 8 hours because I LIVE in the world, and sometimes I need to get away from it. I wish they'd leave these stories to CNN and spend more time on sports instead of human interest stories.

Secondly, the Miami brawl was brutal and horrifying to watch. How many times do we need to see Miami players swinging helmets at unprotected FIU players and stomping guys on the ground? And in all seriousness, if you heard there was a huge brawl on the field this weekend, the first two places that would have jumped to mind were Miami and FSU. Those players have always acted like that, to the point where they fight each other on and off the field (and if you throw Florida in that mix, well, you could fill a few DVDs with the brawls between those teams). The problem was that ESPN seemed to just show the footage for shock value. Today is Monday, 2 days after the fact, and I saw it again in the 5 minutes I watched SportsCenter. So once again, while trying to escape the realities of the world, sports draws me back in by showing how terrible people can be to one another, so I watched Saved by the Bell instead.

The final event was the Vanderbilt loss by Georgia. As a fan, it was a crushing loss, and it hurt. And I started to think about why I have so much invested in a team full of guys I've never met from a school I was miserable at for 3 years. Why do I care so much if this is supposed to be a way for me to escape the world for a little while? I mean, I have plenty of things in my life that make me unhappy or that make me worry, so why would I add this trivial competition into my life as an extra factor that can make me more unhappy or anxious? I mean, that loss is going to ruin the rest of my season. Georgia can win out and beat Florida by 50, and that loss to Vanderbilt is going to be the thing I can't get over. Why do I do this to myself?

I think it's because there's another part of sports that is more important than the escape from the world they provide, and that's the sense of community and the link that you have with other fans of your team. It's the passion that rooting for a team can cause in you, the way it can make you jump up and down and scream in front of people who've never heard you say a word. I guess all of this is related to the point about it being unpredictable: if Georgia blocks that field goal, or causes a fumble, then I'm cautiously elated instead of horrendously depressed. But it's also knowing that you're not the only person living and dying with the flight of that ball, that there's this invisible link between all the fans of a given team. And that's even more important now that I live in Boston. If I see someone with a UGA hat or shirt or vanity plate on their car, I can talk to them, because we have this same passion, and we can provide a bridge back to our homes 1000 miles south of us in our shared support of the team that we just can't help pulling for.

That Georgia loss was brutal, and it was embarrassing to watch, and every member of the Bulldog nation knows it. But despite that, and despite the fact that our escape made us feel worse than the world we were trying to get away from, none of the true fans threw their shirts in the garbage or burned their hats or jerseys or threw out their face paint. Sports is an escape, but it's an escape from the horrors and tragedies of life, and that's why the relentless coverage of the Corey Lidle crash, the TO suicide watch and the Miami brawl are unwelcome intrusions in this sphere of our lives. Losing to Vanderbilt is not a tragedy, and all of us fans will live to root all those players on again, no matter how many times they break our hearts. We'll just change the channel when they show the highlights in their "we told you so" voices, knowing that there are still chances this year to be on the other side of the upset. Our faith in them may waver, but our hope never will.