WEEK 6 PICKS RALPH VIRUS EAT SHIT YOU FUCKER

Man no discussion this week about the games or anything. And Fuck You very much for throwing Michigan State in the mix this week. I'm going to close my eyes, think of a color, look out the window, and then pull something out of my ass BECAUSE PICKING THEM MAKES ME SICK. Seriously. Eat shit. I'm going to start calling for the Notre Dame games to count double. Don't push me man, I'M A MOTHERFUCKING TIME BOMB. Now that we've established my insanity defense for whatever happens on Saturday in my apartment between the hours of 7:45 and 11 pm, on with the PICKS OF THE CHAMPION. I'm guessing we're doing 6 games this week? Or just the 5 on Saturday and the Thursday game for the hell of it, as usual? WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE PEOPLE. ONLY TWO OF YOU LIVE TOGETHER, IN A GAY WAY. Last week I was racist, this week homophobic. Look out people, it only gets worse from here.

FSU and NC State. God. I'm going to watch this tonight because there's shit else on, but I'll probably be asleep by halftime. I find it laughable that FSU is getting 10.5 on the road, when I'm not sure they're even capable of putting up 11 points. NC State burned me against BC, so I'll never go against the family again. NC State covers this easily at home, and I think pulls the upset here, unless Chris Weinke and Deion Sanders and Warrick Dunn parachute into the stadium and suit up for a quarter. Otherwise, NC State by a field goal, 6-3. This game is going to suck.

Texas and Oklahoma. THE RED RIVER RIVALRY BABY! NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I GUESS THERE'S A RIVER ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE CALLED RED, CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO RIVERS COLORED RED. THAT'S DONE GOT ME FLUMMOXED. Oklahoma rebounded nicely against Middle Tennessee State (ahem), but Texas is too talented all over for this Oklahoma team. That QB at Oklahoma is borderline awful, and becomes a walking catastrophe when put under pressure. Anybody wanna guess what Texas is going to be able to do to him? He throws 3-6 INTs in this one, and though Jeezy's buddy Colt (who the FUCK is Wes Hightower?) throws a few of his own, Texas contains Adrian Peterson which proves to be the difference. When both of these teams are really good, it's a low scoring defensive struggle. When one team has the advantage at nearly every position, it's generally a rout. I say Texas is more talented almost across the board and takes this one straight up and by an embarrassing score. They easily cover the 5.5 line.

LSU at Florida. This is the most ridiculous line I've ever seen. I really won't waste time with analysis, because it's pointless. Here's what's going to happen. The LSU defense eats Chris Leak for breakfast, and when they bring Tebow in for a "change of pace," LSU gives him a concussion. The Florida defense is quick, and Jamarcus Russell struggles in big games, but I think they have plenty of offense to counter a Florida offense that's going to be rocking back and forth with their thumbs in their mouths after the reaming they get. LSU wins big and easily.

Michigan State at Michigan. Seriously, FUCK YOU. Ok, here's what I have. I have John L. Smith, MSU head coach, saying the players are practicing the way they played in the Illinois game, meaning like they don't give a shit. He says he can't make them try. He is admitting on TV that he's losing his team and they're weak and vulnerable. Right before the Michigan game. I see this going 2 ways, and either is equally probable: 1) MSU has given up on the season after the ND game because they're a bunch of whiny quitters and John L. Smith is a horrible coach (all of which is true) or 2) They're playing possum, and after losing to Notre Dame, decided to salvage their season by tanking at Illinois, making everybody think they were broken so they could show up in Ann Arbor and explode for 60 points. Ok, so the second scenario calls for a bit more cunning than MSU or JL Smith possesses, but I'm torn on this one because no matter who I pick, I'm fucked. Soooooo.......Michigan takes the game in the Big House, Manningham gets another 100+ game and a few TDs so I can add to my "I was first on the bandwagon" gloating, but not by 17. MSU covers that monstrous spread.

Oregon at Cal. All I know about either team are the scores I see on the ticker, and they're always high. Cal seems to have righted the ship after getting walloped in Knoxville, and Oregon took their frustrations out on Arizona State last week with a King Sized beat down in the desert. I'm really torn about this one, as neither team seems to stand out over the other. I want to go with Oregon, but Cal's resume is a little more impressive, tossing out that one loss, and the game is in Berkeley. Cal has more firepower on offense than Oregon and everybody knows they don't play defense in the Pac-10 so Cal wins and covers this one at home.

Purdue at Iowa. Ahhhh...two teams who in their defeats brought me great victory. Two teams that were overrated on what they do best, and were beaten by teams that did it better. The explosive Iowa offense really hasn't shown up anywhere yet, with their highest point total being against Montana, and I believe without Drew Tate. His highest total this year has been the 27 they threw up on Iowa State. Purdue has scorched some cupcakes, and proven they can't stop ANYBODY this year. They allowed 35, 31, and 28 respectively to Indiana State, Miami (OH), and Ball State. They won all those games by scoring 60, 38 and 38. What's my point? I forgot. This game is a shootout, but in Iowa, Iowa takes it, but I'm not sold enough on their offense to cover that spread, even against Purdue's JV level defense. Purdue keeps it under 10 points with their explosive offense.

QUICKIES: Iowa State jumps up and bites Nebraska, finally ousting them from the top 25. Ohio State crushes Bowling Green; Auburn has a tussle with Arkansas early, but opens the game up late with a huge dose of Kenny Irons; USC rolls over Tyrone Willingham at home and washes the taste of that Wazzou game out of their mouths; West Virginia wants to be taken seriously after that close call at ECU and crushes Mississippi State by triple whatever the line is; oh yeah, noose, Sylvester Croom, noose, noose, Croom. WHAT? COME WITH IT SON. Notre Dame sends the Stanford team crying back to their physics labs; GT crushes Maryland and their old offensive coordinator Fatty McFatass; Clemson and Wake Forest in a shootout, but the Deacons pull the upset at home. Is there another game on? Oh yeah, Tennessee coach Philip Fulmer is struck down by lightning as Mark Richt rises into the air and hovers over the 50 yard line, revealing that he is the second coming of Christ and all Tennessee and Florida fans are sucked into the fiery depths of hell where they have to watch reruns of the Lindsey Scott run and the Verron Haynes "Hobnail Boot" play, complete with Larry Munson's commentary for all eternity.

Sylvester Croom Noose.

WEEK 6 PICKS - Football Jesus

Last week looked a bit better for the Jeez but yet again I saw a promising point lead slip from my hands in the fourth quarters of two more games (Thank you sweet baby Jesus there's no Irish games in the 5 pointers this week). If this were truly a sports book in vegas I'd be about 2 more bad picks away from giving handjobs behind the Bellagio by day to keep me afloat and crying myself to sleep in fetal position in my seedy off-the-strip shithole hotel. You know what they say about Vegas, What happens here, haunts your dreams FOREVERRRRRRRR. LETS GET TO IT!

Thursday night Action, Florida State @ NC State. The Deliverance-extra head coach vs. the Goodfellas-extra head coach. I'm trying really hard and I honestly can't get myself to give half a liquid shit about this match-up. NC State took this game last year and the way Florida State's offense looks anyone who plays decent pee-wee football could probably give them a good run for their money, but....NC State is horrible. Yeah they fucked me once before but they're still horrible. Period. Florida State wins this game but doesn't cover the spread since it's more than one digit. Someone will have to tell me about this one because I'd rather watch the 2nd season of the L-Word (I...LOVE...LESBIANS BYAGHHHHH) and slam my face into a table for a couple of hours than catch this. Yeah you heard me Kyle.

Texas @ Oklahoma. First off...the Texas quarterback is named Colt McCoy. Colt McCoy?! Is this a fucking re-run of Walker Texas Ranger? Is Wes Hightower the offensive coordinator? Jesus. Anyway. This is a hard game to call. Oklahoma's definitely got something to prove and three weeks worth of sobbing diary entries to avenge and they have a pretty good chance against Texas and their rookie QB, BUT, besides their one loss, Texas looks just as consistent at beating horrible teams as Oklahoma does so I don't buy this " New OU Focus" that the Middle Tennessee massacre supposedly proved. True Adrian Peterson is healthy and will probably lose 30 pounds running the ball saturday but I don't think it's enough. Texas takes the game and the points on the back of their rookie QB. Afterwards, Louis L'Amour bases a 17 book series on the life of Colt McCoy called Steel Cactus. Sighhhhhhhhhh.

LSU @ Florida. Florida actually has the line on this game...Cue the blasphemous lightning bolt and get the horsemen ready for their entrance. Seriously? I obviously haven't been paying enough attention to these Swamp games because I'm not seeing anything that grants the respect these guys keep getting. This game has to be the easiest upset I've called in the last two weeks. True Florida keeps pulling it out at home, but their last two opponents have held them to a slight 2 possession lead into the fourth quarter. Who are those hard-hitting opponents that could possibly challenge the INVINCIBLE Urban Meyer Fuck-O-Tron Juggernaut? Try Kentucky and Alabama slugger. LSU has only lost a single game and that was a squeaking heartbreaker on the road to the now #2 Auburn Tigers. Other than that they haven't put up less than 40 points on any of their other opponents. Their defense aint to shabby either, losing by only 4 points against the War Eagles and not allowing any other team to come within 31 points of them. And Florida gets the line? LSU beats up Meyer's boys at home and Gators fans finally get something that's justifiably worth booing about.

Michigan State @ Michigan. I honestly picked this game just to anger the Virus (since at this juncture in the point race I'm starting to get desperate) and hopefully to split up the obvious picks of the week. Everyone knows my soft-spot for the underdog and trust me, I want to pick Michigan State so bad in this one buttttttt I just can't justify choosing a team that screwed me so royally two weeks ago. I don't think Michigan State has such an easy time tossing the ball around against the Wolverine secondary as they did against Dame's and I think the blue and gold defense becomes the deciding factor and here's why; with Michigan's shaky offense, the defensive side of the game, especially turnovers, are going to be a huge factor and if anyone can pressure a team into turnovers in big games it's the Michigan D. Bad decisions and turnovers killed the Spartans in their last heartbreaker and it'll hurt them again Saturday. BUT. They're giving the Michigan offense a big number to cover with their lack of offensive firepower so I'm going with Michigan to win and Michigan State to cover.

Oregon @ Cal. Yet another hard to call match-up. I gave up on Cal after they gave that major victory to Phil "Anti-Christ" Fulmer and his hillbilly warriors in Week 1 but all of a sudden they're starting to look like a worthy football team again. The Golden Bears are putting up a minimum of forty-one points a game and are actually starting to develop a run game, a far-cry from their embarassing beginnings in Rocky Top. Oregon on the other hand is tough and sadly ol' Tearjerker Stoops has shifted the focus away from the fact that the Ducks are playing good football these days. The difference? The Ducks are missing their big boy Haloti "Steve" Ngata which is their only hope for stuffing a Cal run game which is looking better and better and makes it even worse for the Oregon secondary who are going to be too busy worrying about Desean Jackson in the backfield to help out on the line. If this game was in Oregon I'd probably take the Ducks because I still think they're a tough team and in the right setting could work past these defensive setbacks and take out the bears BUTTTT it aint and they won't. The line is low as well so I gotta take Cal to win and cover the spread.

Purdue @ Iowa. AHHHH I'm running out of mental stamina here and there's a box of frozen eggrolls calling my name right now so i'm going to make this quick. Purdue and Iowa BOTH ruined my last week of picks so this is a chance for both of them to be money for me. This comes down to one thing, whose secondary doesn't look as retarted as the other. The cornerback squads for both of these teams look atrocious at best, giving up massive yardage to some pretty laughable teams (Ball State, Illinois etc. etc.). Purdue loves to attack through the air, not that they have much of a choice with their only ground threat being the decently mobile QB Painter, and put up around 400 yards on the Notre Dame Secondary but their defense is much much worse than Iowa's and the Hawkeyes stay point for point with anything Purdue manages to put on the scoreboard. Purdue's offense sputters after 3 quarters and Iowa takes the game over. Iowa to win and take the spread.

And Finally. It had to happen. And it might take a while. You might want to grab a snack. Georgia...Tennessee...This is the game in the season that makes my skin crawl more than any other on the schedule. I hate Phil Fulmer. I HATE HIM. He looks like what would happen if a bullfrog fucked a businessman villain from a kickboxing movie. He's pure evil people. Pure evil. What's worse? My boys have never looked so confused and ridiculous as they have the last two weeks. You have to staple the damn ball to Massaqui's hands to get him to come down with it and the run game of our supposed three-elite running backs looks clumsy and ineffective at best. It also doesn't help that we're playing Russian Roulette with two rookie QBs who can't seem to find a receiver that's not crushed the second the ball hits his hands (and inevitably bounces out). There's a silver lining here to me though. Tereshinski is coming back (which sadly shows how desperate we are right now. That's like being happy that your herpes flared up again) and maybe he can add a little stability to the offense. Also, Mark Richt OWNS Phil Fulmer. Period. He just does. And finally, we're underdogs. UNDERDOGS (UnderDawgs? Had to do it). We're a higher ranked team playing in our own home stadium, arguably one of the hardest venues to play in college football (especially now that I have a ticket) and we're still a 3 point underdog. If anything can light a raging conflagration under the collective Bulldog ass it should be that fact. Tennessee has no run game (-11 yards against Florida) and is going to rely pretty much entirely on how much Robert Meachem sees the ball. I know everyone is bending down to gently blow on Erik Ainge's balls right now but I still contend that he's a horrible quarterback. You take away his deep threat Meachem and he's just an NCAA flop with gay highlights who goes 5th round if that. This is put up or shut up time for Georgia plain and simple. It's time for Moses to have a four sack game, it's time for Lumpkin and Ware to have an amazing running day for once, it's time for Brown to create some ridiculous runs on special teams, it's time for Massaqui to prove that he's worthy of an elite football program, and it's time for Joe Tereshinski to be the savior Georgia so desperately needs right now. GLORY GLORY MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now I'm going to go heat up some eggrolls and cuddle with my framed picture of Mark Richt. See you next week.

WEEK 6 GAMES AND LINES

First things first, it's way too early in the morning to be doing this but I guess everyone else has had a crazy week as well so I'll step up and pick the 5 games and post the lines. The second thing everyone will notice, no the Georgia game will not be in the 5 games. Bias? Eat a bag of horse dicks. Of course I'm fucking biased. If Georgia was playing 5000 angels of God clad in armor made of pure light with Steve Perry as their quarterback and the ghost of Bear Bryant as their head coach I still couldn't choose against my boys so it's not fair to talk about that game. It will be boring to the 8 people that read this (it's 8 people right?) and god knows we can't lose anymore readers. With that said, here are the games I've chosen for ze week.

Thursday Game:
#17 Florida State @ N. Carolina State - Florida St. -10.5

Point Games

#7 Texas @ #14 Oklahoma - Texas -5.5

#9 LSU @ #5 Florida - Florida -1.5 (?!?!?!)

Michigan State @ #6 Michigan - Michigan -17

#11 Oregon @ #16 California - Cal -5.5

Purdue @ #19 Iowa - Iowa -10.5

Pride Picks

#13 Tennessee @ #10 Georgia - Tennessee -2.5

#22 Nebraska @ Iowa State - Nebraska -7

Whatever, pick what games you want and post the spread next to them. I've got some picks to make before I go into an allergy coma. BALLS.

WEEK 5 RECAP

Man, stupid Virginia Tech cost me a perfect week this week. I thought they were on their way after intercepting 2 straight Reggie Ball passes, but Ball settled down, and an endless dose of Calvin Johnson was just too much for the Hokies. Their defense did not play well at all, and their famed special teams didn't come to play either. I thought for sure those VT corners could keep up with Johnson, but he's just on another planet right now. I don't know if anybody can cover him one-on-one, and I have no idea why the safety isn't always cheating him over the top to at least stop the huge plays and limit him to 20 yard gains every now and then. But, nobody's given me a team to coordinate yet, so that's that.

Jim Tressel and Co. came out fast and looked like they finally had their heads on straight. They gave up a few early TDs to Iowa, but I had a feeling that after watching a few Iowa possessions, that D was going to clamp down, and man did they. Troy Smith is filling out his Heisman candidate form right about now after dropping 4 TD passes on former hopeful Drew Tate, and OSU got a rushing game going, with Pittman going over 100 yards. When OSU plays like this, they're the best team in the nation, bar none. It's when they try to sleepwalk through games that they get tested, but they're more or less in the clear now until that showdown with the Wolverines at the end of the year. There might be a big upset brewing somewhere with OSU before then if they don't maintain this intensity.

Notre Dame started out running the ball I don't know how many straight times. It was like Weis promised Walker that today was going to be his day. Once he opened up the playbook and let Brady Quinn loose on that horrendous Purdue secondary, the game was over. Notre Dame once again proved themselves equally incapable of stopping anybody on the other side of the ball nearly blowing the push at the end. I'm sick of Notre Dame pushing. JUST GET 1 MORE POINT.

Florida, boy oh boy did they look bad early. Chris Leak has not looked comfortable in a Florida uniform in 4 years, and if he survives the next 4 weeks (1 bye), it'll be a damned miracle. 2 head coaches, 3 offensive coordinators, and an up start freshman tailback/QB breathing down his neck in his senior season. How much do you think Leak will give the alumni association after some team overpays for him in the draft? He pulled it out late, and Florida does what they seem to do best, win games they should win, even if it's ugly. Some heinous field goal calls in this one, but a miracle INT for a TD late in the 4th gives me 3 miracle final 5 minute covers on the season only 2 weeks in. Rest easy boys, luck has a way of turning around.

I didn't watch the Oregon game, but I didn't have to. Arizona State was way oversold before the season started, and the outcome of this one was never in doubt. I want to say Oregon had 35 up before Arizona State mercifully hit a field goal, but I honestly don't know.

Georgia looks awful in every aspect of the game right now. The dual QB system is a horrible idea, and I said the same thing when it was Greene and Shockley. 2 series each is like letting each of them put their dick head in some cheerleader's pussy and then move on. How the fuck are they supposed to get off! I can't decide if I'm relieved or if I think it's a sign of the apocalypse that I'll be glad to see Tereschinski come back next week. Unless they make some serious mental changes, Tennessee will kill this Georgia team next week.

QUICK THOUGHTS: Where was this Cal team when they played Tennessee? Is the Pac-10 really this top-heavy and soft? They KILLED Oregon St. at Oregon St. I'm really looking forward to the Cal vs. Oregon matchup this week. MIAMI pulled out a squeaker at home against HOUSTON. A 1 point game folks. The mighty canes came within a field goal of losing to Houston at home, where there sure were an awful lot of empty seats for such a proud program. Fairweather fans? Well, put something on the field they can watch, and maybe they'll put the pipes down long enough to watch. I wouldn't take field level seats on the 50 yard line to a Miami home game right now if you offered me $50 and told me I could fuck Jessica Simpson until my balls exploded. Our friend Travis will be pleased to note that Miss. St. covered the -32 spread against LSU by a single point. I wish the points didn't count when the defense they scored on was a couple of band members and their moms in pads. And they still forced a few 3 and outs. MICHIGAN rolled over Minnesota by 2 TDs in the Metrodome. Manningham had 130 yards receiving, giving him 3 straight 100+ receiving games. Tell me who they lose to before Ohio State again Jeezy? USC survives in Pullman as Steve Smith pulls down 186 receiving yards. I remember John David Booty's older brother Josh at LSU, and I'm not scared of the Booty boys. Just say it like that and you know Oregon, Cal or UCLA is going to jump up and get them this year. Tennessee's evil cadre of magic receivers who somehow catch the flaming garbage that Erik Ainge throws decimated an outmatched Memphis team, Clemson continues to make people say "how the fuck did they lose to BC?" as they wax LA Tech 51 - 0, Nebraska hangs on against the fattest coach in America making it a two horse race with Rutgers for "team least deserving to be in the top 25," AND FINALLY: Boise State crushes Utah, sending them home to their wives for orgiastic sex in praise of Brigham Young. Why am I not a Mormon yet? Will Boise get a BCS bid? Good topic for another week. All I'm saying is that a religion that lets you keep a harem of women can't be all bad. Of course I've only been married to my one wife for a few months now. Maybe I'll see the folly of my ways in a few years.

And folks, seriously, if you have any idea what the hell the deal is with Michigan State, LET ME KNOW. It's my white whale...it consumes me.

TOPIC OF THE WEEK - WEEK 5

This weeks topic is a three parter. The last two weeks have seen pretty much all the top 5 teams falter and almost get eliminated by nobodies. Between Auburn @ South Carolina, USC @ Washington State, Ohio State @ Penn State, West Virginia @ East Carolina, and Florida's battles with both Kentucky and Alabama in the swamp, which team looks like it least deserves to be in the top 5, which team will be eliminated first from the top 5, and which team deserves most to be in the top 5 that's still on the outside looking in? GET TO IT!

WEEK 5 POINTS

Another week another round of 4th quarter heart breakers for the Jeez that stole the point lead out of my hands once again. I don't have a lot of time to write this so i'll leave the big recap to Virus since he's obviously watching the games more intently than John and I, hence the demanding point lead at this point. First off. After last week Rob took the 2 point lead to make the total scores
V - 5 FJ - 3 SC - 0
And again this week sees the virus nosin' it out and pickin up the skin once again by a single point. Thanks to a 4th quarter push by Purdue everyone got knocked out of the point spread making it an even point a piece across the board for the Irish picks. Florida picks up a last minute interception to cover their 13.5 point spread, knocking myself and Caned out of the Alabama cover point and putting Virus up a point for calling the Gator cover. The ONLY bright spot in my weekend, the domination of the Hokies by the Yellow Jackets for yet another Ramblin' Wreck upset provides two points for myself and none for Caned or Virus who both picked the 2 year running overrated Beamer train (VIRUS edit: John picked VT to win, but GT to cover. He gets 1 point here). Ohio...sigh. The boys smacked me in the mouth and proved that the team that played Texas was indeed back in the building and ready for the championship run. Caned and I both called the upset and got sent to bed crying after a convincing hawkeye ass kicking. 2 points to Ralph. (Wasn't ralphie the name of the CU Buffalo? Coincidence??!?) Anddddd everyone across the board called the Oregon game and got the two points for an utterly ridiculous showing by the Sun Devils. Sooooo tallying these up we see Virus pull ahead once again and take the week giving him dynasty implications as far as the week standings are going.

Ralph Virus = 7
Football Jesus = 6
Severely Caned = 5 (VIRUS edit because of VT vs GT confusion above)

Which brings the GRAND total up to

Ralph Virus = 12
Football Jesus = 9
Severely Caned = 5 (VIRUS edit because of VT vs GT confusion above)

Someone else is free to cover the in depth game analysis but as far as I'm concerned, go steal your neighbor's cable and watch sportscenter. I'm done.