Well, it's all over now except for the endless parade of "all-star" contests. We slacked off a bit at the end here, but a man has his limits. After 30 or 40 or 90 something games in three weeks, I hit a wall and just stopped caring. Of course it didn't help that the last two major games of the season ended with almost exactly the same score and the pinnacle of awesomeness in football was reached in the lowly Fiesta Bowl. The only way the championship game could have topped it is if that wrestler's kid from Ohio State decapitated Tebow on a sack, pulled an electric guitar out from under his jersey while amplifiers rose up out of the turf and played a guitar solo so bitchingly sweet that all the Florida fans had their faces melted off and their testicles atomized.

Alas, that didn't happen, and if seeing Florida hoist two championship trophies in the same year wasn't traumatizing enough, the front page of ESPN.com today reads "Chompions." Really. That was the best they could do.

Rather than giving a recap, I decided to give an awards show. Enjoy.

FLORIDA AWARDS

Chris Leak - Derek Jeter "Dreamy Green Eyes" award.
- Come on people, this kid is handsome.

Florida Fans - Paris Hilton "Ungrateful Motherfuckers" award.
- Chris Leak had to endure a coaching change right in the middle of his tenure that led to an offense that he was not built to run. Chris Leak hung in there and led the team to a 13-1 record against one of the hardest schedules I've ever seen. Florida fans screamed all off-season last year for Meyer to start Tebow instead of Leak. The moral of the story is: Florida fans are stupid retards who don't know what's best for them. It would have been sweet justice if Chris Leak hoisted the BCS crystal football, turned to the student section, dropped his pants and pissed all over them. That's all they've done to him for the past 4 years.

Tim Tebow - Martin and Bill Gramatica "Excessive Celebration in the Wake of Miniscule Accomplishments" award
- I've never seen anybody get so damn excited about a 3 yard gain. When he starts playing full time they may need to put a slobber bib on him.

Emmitt Smith - Matthew McConaughey "Hey, my alma mater is in the Championship Game" Award
- Where the fuck was Emmitt Smith in the Ron Zook years? Oh right...he was sucking ass in Arizona so he could stumble his way over Walter Payton's record. What a shit.

Urban Meyer - Steve Spurrier "Eat Shit and Die, Pussy" award.
- Up 34-14 late in the 4th quarter with a 4th and short deep in OSU territory, Meyer goes for it and ultimately gets the touchdown. Shades of the Old Ball Coach's blatant disrespect for his opponent.

ALSO -- Jim Donnan "Transparent Play Calling" award.
- 2nd and goal - in comes Tebow. Tebow under center, rush up the middle (by my count, Tebow had 11 touches, 9 rushes straight up the middle, 1 pass for a TD and one run to his right for a TD...82% of the time, Tebow runs the same play, AND OHIO STATE NEVER STOPPED IT)

ALSO -- Mike Ditka "Screw Over the Heart and Soul of your Franchise for a Dipshit Novelty Act" award.
- Who can forget Ditka not giving the ball to Walter Payton in the '86 Super Bowl and putting the Fridge in the game instead. Payton never scored a Super Bowl touchdown. Meyer continually went to Tebow when close to the goal line, even when the scores were getting meaningless. Leak had 1 TD, Tebow had 2.

OHIO STATE AWARDS

Jim Tressel - Frank Beamer Memorial "Shoot your Team in the Foot by not Punting in Critical Situations" award
- Anyone who watched the '99 championship game between Virginia Tech and Florida State would have a hard time forgetting how Beamer went for it on 4th down twice in the first quarter rather than taking an easy field goal. He didn't make it either time and all the air went right out of Michael Vick and company. VT got stomped. Tressel didn't watch that game, panicked early and went for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30, and guess what happened.

ALSO -- Mr. Rogers "Finger in my Butt Pederast Wardrobe" award.
- It's time to hang up the sweater vest buddy.

ALSO -- Chan Gailey "Let's Keep the Ball Away from the Only Guy Who's Doing Shit" award.
- Pittman had 10 carries for 62 yards, averaging 6.2 per carry. Hard to make much progress with only 10 carries though (to be fair, Florida had the ball almost the whole game and Troy Smith only had 14 pass attempts).

Ted Ginn Jr. - Nick Saban "Gosh Football is Hard" award
- This is one of Jeezy's, and I don't get it.

ALSO -- Brandon Coutu "We're Fucked Without This Guy" award.
- Georgia would have beaten Vanderbilt and Kentucky if Coutu were kicking. Yes, I'm still bitter.

Antonio Gonzalez - Jason Williams "White Chocolate" award.
- What is this guy anyway? He's paler than the underside of Charlie Weiss's FUPA and has the complexion of a 14 year old fat chick who drowns her sorrows in cartons of Rocky Road. Also, I swear I heard the annoucncers say this guy ran a sub 4.3 40 yard dash. No. Fucking. Way.

Antonio Pittman - Marshall Faulk "PLEASE Give me some Fucking Carries" award.
- Anybody remember what happened to the Rams in the 2001 Super Bowl when Mike Martz wouldn't get the ball to Faulk? OSU should.

OSU Defense - JaMarcus Russell "I'm a Confused Retard" award.
- Seriously, Tebow lines up 11 times and runs right at you 9 times and averages almost 4 yards a carry (10 attempts, 39 yards). Here's a hint, when Tebow's in the game, STUFF THE FUCKING MIDDLE.

Troy Smith (aka BIG WINNER!) - Ron Mexico award
- Another of the Jeezy's. He was really drunk last night and I don't know what half of what he said means.

ALSO -- Willis McGahee "Draft Suicide" award.
- If any team takes Troy Smith in the first 2 rounds, they're wasting a pick.

ALSO -- Donovan McNabb "Shit the Bed" award.
- Big game, big pressure, what do you do? Hurl in the huddle or go 4/14 for 35 yards passing and 1 INT.

ALSO -- Jason White "That Guy won the Heisman?" award.
- I was getting really angry when they kept calling Troy Smith "the best player/QB in college football this year." Really, people. He wasn't that good. He had a lot of talent around him (see also: Ken Dorsey).

ANNOUNCER AWARDS

Barry Alvarez - Charlie Weiss "Excellence in the Field of Mantitties" award.
- Because he's fat.

ALSO -- Allen Iverson "We Talkin Bout Practice Captain Obvious" award.
- For mentioning 3 times in the first 5 minutes that practice cannot simulate game conditions. He should know because he used to be a coach! Wowzers!

Thom Brenneman - Harry Carey "What the Fuck Non-Sequitur" award.
- For his comment in the second half that Jack Bauer would be pleased with Florida's performance. There has to be a better way to work a promo in than that.

Other color commentator - Phil Simms "SHUT THE FUCK UP Verbal Diarrhea" award.
- Jesus fucking christ, man...come up for air every once in awhile.

WTF AWARDS

WTF Bio Fact of the Game - Urban Meyer has a Master's degree. Suddenly my pursuit of higher education feels cheapened.

WTF Promotion of the Game - "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I swear to God in the 3rd quarter some woman ran on the field to fetch the tee after a kickoff because she won the "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I kept punching myself in the mansack in the vain hope that I would come to and realize it was all a wacky dream, but my canteloupe sized balls are testiment to its reality.

WTF Doesn't that dude have a life award - To Me. Because I put way too much time and thought into this.

If you behave yourselves, you may get a year-end award wrap up. In fact, unless you pay me $500,000, you're going to get one anyway.

Jeezy won the gambling pool. Or something. I'm going to stick with my story that I stopped giving a shit and my turds are made of solid gold so I don't need this to validate my existence. Take your shallow award and go live your shell of a life young one. You will soon see the folly of your materialistic ways.