WEEK 13 PICKS FROM RALPHVIRUS

Oh boy, back from last week's debacle and getting these picks in under the gun. Looks like Texas A & M hired a dump truck to play running back and Colt McCoy can't get his shit together yet, but who cares about Texas. The state that elected George Bush governor and president gets no love from me. Anyway, let's see if we can't do better than we did last week.

LSU @ Arkansas (Pk) - I'm really baffled at why LSU keeps getting these lines. It seems that everybody gets fooled into believing Jamarcus Russell is a big time quarterback and not just Daunte Culpepper II. I know LSU has a strong rush defense, but they haven't played anything like the two headed monster of McFadden and Jones. Nobody wants to believe Arkansas is for real because they got stomped by USC in the SEASON OPENER. Wake up people, the Razorbacks are for real and they knock out the only two loss team in the top 10.

Florida (-9) @ Florida State - Man, it's been a rough football season for the state of Florida this year. Miami has a total meltdown, leading to Coker FINALLY getting shitcanned, Florida State has a wretched year, culminating in a 30-0 loss to Wake Forest AT HOME, and Florida is about to get embarrassed by Arkansas in the SEC title game. I don't know why Florida is seriously being mentioned as a national title contender, because they're nowhere near as good as everybody wishes they were. They are, however, good enough to dispatch with this pathetic Florida State team. Florida takes this one by at least 10. Now I have to shower to wash the disgust off.

South Carolina @ Clemson (-6) - For Clemson, it's basically been however the run game goes, so goes the team. For South Carolina, nobody knows how it's going to go from one second to the next. Carolina put up a fight against the Gators a few weeks back, and Spurrier seems to really let lose against big time rivals, but I don't think the Gamecocks can slow down the rushing attack Clemson has, especially not in Death Valley. Clemson cruises here and easily covers.

Notre Dame @ USC (-7.5) - I'll admit that I had Notre Dame in my National Title game before the year started, and I had Brady Quinn as my Heisman winner. I still stand by the latter pick, as I think Quinn has much better numbers than Troy Smith, but the former pick I've cooled off on. That whipping by Michigan opened my eyes a bit, and the way Notre Dame has had to struggle to pull out wins against a couple of lesser opponents makes me wonder. ND hasn't played many high-caliber teams so far this year, and USC lost one fluky game they were ill-prepared for. USC has been insane since dropping to Oregon State, and now that they can start to smell that spot in the Championship Game, I don't see them falling off here at the end. USC for the win and the cover.

Wake Forest @ Maryland (-1) - Yikes. The two teams that burned us last weekend are now facing off for the Atlantic/Coastal (I can't keep them straight) ACC title and the right to play Georgia Tech in the ACC championship game. I can't even begin to break this down because both teams looked so awful last week. I'm going to give the edge to Wake because at least they lost to a decent team last week. Wake gets my only upset nod of the week.

I've gotta go see if Texas has pulled their thumbs out of their asses yet and decided to start playing. A quick note, somehow UGA is a 1.5 point favorite against Tech in Athens. Somebody might want to send those bookies a tape of the "highlights" UGA has put up in Sanford stadium this year. I would prefer it if this was at Grant Field since Richt turns into Superman on opponents home fields, but I guess we'll have to cringe through this one at Sanford. I am not enthusiastic about this.

WEEK 13 GAMES, LINES, AND PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS - THE BLOATED ONE

Hey friends (and by that I mean the 4 people that read this and the one guy who stumbled on this looking for drunken porn), sorry we're late for this weeks picks but if you thought we were going to leave you hangin on' rivalry week then the tryptophan must be getting to your brain. We got some big match-ups this week and not a lot of time to bring it to you so I'm going to go ahead and make a double post, which means you get to see the games and lines as I call em'. No time for dick jokes, LET'S GET TO IT!

LSU @ Arkansas (Pick em' game)...Since the SEC West has already been wrapped up by the hogs the only thing left in this one is pride for the bayou bengals and the slimmest of hopes for a title shot for Arkansas. Now we all know pride can be a big factor, look at Miami's big win over favored BC last night...but you know what ended up being the reward for that game? A big fat pink slip for Coker. Hold your applause Canes fan. My point is this, in the immortal words of Marcellus Wallace..."Fuck Pride!" I'm going with the hogs here to take this game, but not by much.

Florida @ Florida State (Florida -9)...This is one of the worst seasons I've ever seen from the Seminole nation and you better believe i'm loving every second of it. Florida State couldn't find the endzone this season if it was painted with pure Bolivian cocaine. Florida wins this one easy....BUT!!!! Besides their rout of that little league team last week, they haven't looked too good on the offensive side of the ball either. I don't think they cover 9 points (although everytime I say that they end up doing just that in the last 3 minutes of the game). Florida to Win, Bowden's Boys to cover. Steak Dinner and an Eight Ball to the Florida State kid who knocks Tebow unconscious.

South Carolina @ Clemson (Clemson -6)...Whatever happened to that Newton kid under center? That guy looked like a phenom when they almost pulled that upset on Auburn. Blake Mitchell makes no sense to me and the fact that they're in Death Valley kinda seals the deal as far as I'm concerned. This one always ends up being a slugfest (literally) but after the SC's heartbreaking loss in The Swamp, I just can't see Spurrier pickin' up the pieces for another big match-up. South Carolina gets stomped in this one. Clemson to win and cover.

Notre Dame @ USC (USC - 7.5)...Man oh man, this is a hard pick. Everyone knows how BIG a fan (hahaha get it? He's fat? Right? Fat?...fuck you) I am of Charlie Weiss but I tell you if there's one guy I hate even more than that fat fucker, it's Pete Caroll. I know they're at the colliseum and USC has been rolling but if there's one thing i've learned this season it's never put your money on the team that's being on a hot streak yeah I'm looking at you Clemson...and Wake Forest...and Texas...anyway, anyway, I gotsta have me an upset pick for the week and this is it. The Irish pull a heartbreaker on the Trojans and break the title race wide open.

Last but not least...Wake Forest @ Maryland (Maryland -1)...Now why would we pick this game when both teams threw a sucker punch to us in last week's disaster? Well after Miami's upset of the completely mind boggling Golden Eagles, the ACC is now wide open and this game is HUGE for both teams if they want a chance at the conference championship. It's hard to go by the schedule of these two, they've both played and beaten impressive teams and both were just completely EMBARASSED last week...In the end though, I don't have too much love for the Terps, so I'm going to throw my pick once again to the underdogs in black for the win. Go get em' Deacons.

No time for pride picks this week folks, I gotta go grab some leftovers before the rest of the vultures eat all the stuffing. Here's hoping this week isn't nearly as horrible as last. Don't give up on us just yet, because the next time we see you it'll be....dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn....BOWL SEASON. It's gonna get real messy around here so until then, punch your creepy uncle in the mouth, grab a plate of leftovers and slap your girlfriend's ass and tell her to keep those drinks comin'. It's football time bitches.

WEEK 12 RECAP - I CAN'T WASH THE FAILURE OFF!

Oh my god. I haven't been this wrong since I said "Mark my words, the New England Patriots will rue the day they passed Drew Bledsoe over for Tom Brady." I still haven't fully removed my foot from my mouth after that one. But you know, what marks the greatness of a man isn't whether he's right or wrong, but whether he can own up to his mistakes. Somebody said something like that and they were fucking stupid. Yeah, I wrote a fucking dissertation about giving Rutgers, Wake and other small time programs some respect based on their body of work and not on their histories. I still stand by that. IF Rutgers ran the table, they should have played in the title game. But they didn't. That doesn't invalidate my argument, it just makes it moot.

Point being this: the odds of getting all the games wrong are about as good as getting all the games right. In close matchups, things frequently hinge on unseen variables like luck (if you watch sports and don't believe in luck then you're an even bigger idiot than we were this past weekend) which can swing a game either to or away from you. Over time you should be somewhere around 50% unless you constantly pick games like Florida vs. Western Carolina, and only pick them straight up. This week is a big stinkin bruise for both our egos, but on the bright side, it's very improbable that we'll make a habit out of this. If we do, we should just castrate ourselves and knit socks for our cats all day long.

WEEK 12 POINTS AND WRAP UP...HUH?

Shitballpussyfuckerdickfucksnatchetyrachetybowlingpindildo....Yeah...that's right...the single WORST week in Football Jesus history is finally over. If anyone decided this week would be a good week to take our advice and blow their kids college fund on Michigan and Cal then feel free to send your death threats too...

John Pezzino
770-265-5795

Seriously, don't hold back. We can take it. Anyway, just as last week was the week for the underdog this week the football gods decided they would throw their lot to the favorites here in a big way. Which is fantastic for me in my first ever all-upset-weekend. Well ballsack. Let's get to it....sigh...

Michigan @ Ohio State...Well at least it wasn't a BAD game. Ohio State took the lead in the 1st quarter and never quite let it go for the rest of this back and forth shoot-out. I had my big blue gear ready to go for this upset but you know what...if they should meet again in national championship land...I'm still throwin it to the wolves. Thank GOD for that last minute Michigan drive that scored me my one point for the entire week on a Michigan Cover.

FJ - 1
RV - 1

Auburn @ Alabama...Well I did nail the fact that Alabama has a knack for scaring SEC powerhouses and nailed it again when I said they just can't figure out a way to finish it. Alabama threatened...made some ridiculous two-point conversion decisions...went up by a point...and then sputtered out in the end making that their 4th heartbreaking loss to big name SEC teams.

FJ - 0
RV - 2

This is where it gets ugly...

Cal @ USC...Cal battled early and then USC rolled on the Golden Bears easily beating that ass and covering the spread.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

Maryland @ Boston College...BC was up by 14 by the time I found the channel they were playing on. It didn't get any better from there. Maryland gets absolutely waxed in this match-up.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest...Well the Demon Deacons have their cinderella story absolutely stomped by the Hokies in this one. Another unexciting blowout in ACC land.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

So there you have it. Altogether, the Virus and I totalled a stunning 4 points. If you didn't watch any of the other games this weekend it pretty much went as everyone figured it would. Florida got their first blowout victory, West Virginia got tested and then stomped Pitt in the second half, Miami went down in a ball of bright green and orange flames that marked one of the most ridiculous seasons I've ever seen a powerhouse school have, and Rutgers reminded us why they're Rutgers and blew it to Cincy that left Mark May jerking off in his old Pitt uniform whispering "I told you so, I told you so." So lets get to the total points here.

With this pathetic week the Virus takes a pretty commanding lead coming into the home stretch, adding two to his yet unreachable total...shitfuck

RV - 3
FJ - 1
SC - 0

Total Points:
RV - 32
FJ - 28
SC - 10

Skins:
RV - 5
FJ - 3
SC - 0