WEEK EAT A DICK: PICKS FOOTBALL JESUS

Bet you thought I wouldn't make the picks in time right? Well....shut up. These are going to be short and sweet this week because A: It's late B: I have a shit ton of stuff to do tommorrow and C: I'm sorta drunk at the moment and it's harder to type than I first imagined. So here we go.

Georgia Tech @ Wake Forest: ACC Championship. Poor Reggie. Tsk Tsk Tsk. Four years and no wins against the hated Bull-pups? Cry me a 4th string at best QB position in the NFL Reg. The Deacons looked pretty solid against ol' Maryland but that crushing defeat to the Hokies has me a bit on edge here. Ball might look like a third rate chump playing anyone outside his own conference and Chan Gailey or whoever is making the calls nowadays might be the sworn enemy of Captain Obvious, failing to utilize Choice or Johnson whenever they're effective, but at the end of the day I think Tech has a more rounded defense and more weapons on offense. Also, it'd be pretty boring if I picked everyone Virus picked and not very smart on my part since I'm already hurting for points at the moment. Georgia Tech for the win and cover.

Arkansas @ Florida: SEC Championship. While I agree with Virus that the Hawgs absolutely decimated the run defense of LSU, I also remember that LSU has an horrendous offense when playing anyone decent and managed to put up big numbers on the hogs. Buttttt I just can't go with the Gators here. In fact it still kinda blows my mind that they're pulling the spread here with the fantastic games Arkansas has pulled out and the abysmal scoring ability of Florida against any defense with a pulse. Can't go with the Gators. The Hogs upset and take the SEC. Finally the SEC title goes to someone other than the Dogs who I don't hate with an utter passion. SUUUUUUUUUUUEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Oklahoma @ Nebraska: Big 12 Championship. Has anyone ever been to Oklahoma or Nebraska? Cuzzzzzz I've been to Nebraska and I can't imagine Oklahoma is much better. My point here, just let them both win...they need something worth living for out there. Dance on my dick with golf shoes. Oklahoma, win...cover...ballabadoo.

Rutgers @ West Virginia: Big East Arts and Crafts Fair. The Big East for all the defending we've done in its favor this season has turned out to be the most unstable, and fuck-up prone division in the country this year. It's in West Virginia...Gotta go with my original championship game pick...yeah i said it...West Virginia in this one. Rutgers has proven one thing well with their crushing defeat to Cincinatti, if a team breaks ahead early, they crumble. I'm a Georgia fan, jumping out early is the one thing West Virginia does a damn good job at. West Virginia covers.

Army @ Navy: I can't believe Army still has enough people to even make a football team anymore. Isn't there a war or something? I think I heard something about it on the news. The Knights are ATROCIOUS. Navy stomps the dog balls out of these guys and covers.

USC @ UCLA: You know USC stomped my chances at pulling ahead last week. USC is rolling and I'm not going to let them destroy my spread three weeks running. USC wins and covers. I'm imagining I'll at least squeeze A point out of those devil-fuckers with that pick.

Oregon St. @ Hawaii: No analysis here. Hawaii has one of the most laughable team names that's ever graced the sporting community. Plus they have that super intense mascot-esque guy who'se always good for a few laughs. I'm givin it to the Pride Parade for the win and cover.

No extra commentary here folks, these last few weeks have been absolute death and if there's one thing i've learned, it's never...EVER spare the life of your opponent. Even if donating a point doesn't seem like a bad idea...it's the difference between 5 points and 3. I'm done. Stick a fork in the Jeezy cuz the miracle juice is running dry. Yes that is a sex joke by the way. See you in bowl season...I'm outtie.

WEEK 14 PICKS - RALPHVIRUS

I don't have anything funny to say today and to everyone (both of you) who is muttering something sarcastic to themselves right now, eat shit. Here's the picks.

Ga Tech vs. Wake Forest - Reggie Ball is entering his season/career ending tailspin, and Chan Gailey almost looks like he's intentionally keeping the ball away from Calvin Johnson to depress his stats and make him less appealing to NFL scouts and teams. On the other side of the ball, Wake is consistent but not explosive. Their #1 QB completes nearly 70% of his passes with a 2-1 TD/INT ratio and they have 19 rushing TDs scored by 8 different players. This is not a team heavy on star power, which is maybe why people continually overlook them. For the 3rd (!) straight week, I've got the Demon Deacons for the upset.



Arkansas vs Florida - LSU had the best defense in the country. Arkansas's rushing attack shredded them. Florida's defense is not as good as LSU's. Florida's offense is inept. Urban Meyer is a whiny crybaby (Blow up the system if my current team doesn't get in the title game, praise the system when my WAC team gets to play Pitt in The Biggest BCS Joke in History). Arkansas has terrible quarterback play, but doesn't need it. Florida is running an offense its quarterback looks clueless in. The hogs will win if for no other reason than to preserve my sanity and end this crazy talk of Florida being a title contender. Besides, I couldn't take it if Florida won the NCAA Basketball and Football championship in the same year I got married. And I won't post their terrible cartoonish mascot here either.


Nebraska vs Oklahoma - Of all the games this weekend, this is the one I'm most likely to skip. I couldn't give 2 damns about either of these teams. I'm very skeptical that Paul Thompson is the second coming of some other good Oklahoma QB, and seeing Nebraska QBs put up 350 passing yards a game makes me a little dizzy. Neither team is very impressive in the very weak Big 12, but since I have to choose, I'll take the Sooners and the points.


Rutgers at West Virginia - Both teams have an embarrasing loss on their slate recently. West Virginia is playing for little other than pride, while Rutgers has a conference championship and BCS bowl bid on the line. I'd be crazy if I didn't think Schiano would have his kids motivated. The question is whether White and Slaton can run on that Rutgers defense. If Rutgers played like they did in the 2H of the Louisville game, this is a low-scoring event that Rutgers can pull out. In Morgantown, though, West Virginia has just enough to pull it out, but not enough to abuse the Rutgers defense enough to cover that spread. WVU to win, RU to cover.


Army vs. Navy - Army is really bad. Navy is better, but still not good. People who call this the greatest rivalry in college football have been drinking too much of the kool-aid. This game has had no implications whatsoever in at least 40 years except to the kind of people who write bad poetry and become sports writers. Navy takes this and runs away with the cover.


USC at UCLA - USC is on a mission right now and nobody can stop them. I watched the Texas A & M game last week too, and I know "anything can happen in a rivalry game," but I don't buy it here. USC has been a team possessed since losing to Oregon State. Their offense is firing on all cylinders and they could probably win if they put the cheerleaders on the field to play defense. In fact, it looks like UCLA has already tried that. They can't stop ANYBODY this year and I'm convinced USC will be able to score at will here. Pete Carroll doesn't seem to lose too many games when a lot is on the line, and the streak he's running right now in college football is a marvel to watch. USC ends up in the title game yet again and stomps UCLA for the cover.


Oregon State at Hawaii - Oregon State has been tricky lately, pulling upsets over USC and Oregon in the past few weeks. Hawaii has an unbelievable offense (QB Colt Brennan has over 4500 yards and 51 TDs, 3 off the NCAA record of 54), but it's important to remember they play in the WAC and have lost to Alabama (the only big conference school on their slate) and Boise State while hanging 60+ on the likes of Utah State, Fresno State, Lousiana Tech and Idaho. Oregon State is a total enigma, beating USC but losing to Boise State, Cal, Wazzou and UCLA. I'm going to give the Straight (I swear we're not gay! The rainbow is...fuck it, let's just drop it) Warriors the nod because of the horrendous trip OrSU has to make and because Hawaii is going to chuck it all over the field so Brennan can have that record. Hawaii takes the game and the cover over the sleep-walking Beavers.



Special Thanks to http://www.sportslogos.net for the logos. Awesome site.

WEEK 14 GAMES AND LINES

Well, the last weekend of college football is upon us. On the down side, it's all we get before the scattershot bowl season opens in a week or two (or three or whatever the schedule says). On the up side, we theoretically get to go out with a bang since it's CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK!!!!!! Except the matchups aren't all that exciting. It was just an accident that the Big East is essentially being decided on Saturday (and also has the best game of the week status for like the 3rd time in 5 weeks). The SEC game should be interesting, but isn't all that sexy (Florida is painfully boring to watch and Arkansas's QB play is borderline abysmal). Who cares about the Big 12 game, and the ACC game is a joke. But, we press on anyway. The games!

Georgia Tech (-2.5)vs. Wake Forest (In Jacksonville)

Arkansas vs. Florida (-3) (In Atlanta)

Nebraska vs. Oklahoma (-3.5) (In Kansas City)

Rutgers @ West Virginia (-9.5)

Those are the marquee games. Since it's the last college football for awhile though, I'm going to make this week a 7 game affair. These three are also up for grabs:

Army @ Navy (-19.5)

USC (-13.5) @ UCLA (home team is kind of a joke here since both schools share the same stadium I think...in any case they're both in LA)

And the SUNDAY SPECTACULAR

Oregon State @ Hawaii (-8)

Because I'm a late slacker and there is no Thursday game to discuss, picks are due by 11:59 pm Friday AND NOT ONE DAMN MINUTE LATER.

WEEK 13 RECAP

Not a proud weekend for the FJ crew, but better than last week's clusterfuck nonetheless. In any case, the best news of the week came out of Athens as UGA pulled themselves off the mat these last few weeks to end the season on a positive note. I'll take going 8-4 if we win at least 2 games against the Big Four (Fla, Tenn, Aub, Ga Tech). I'm also going to do my damndest to get Reggie Ball an extension on his NCAA eligibility and I'm going to lobby the Ga Tech administration to keep Chan Gailey at the helm until he dies. How you can have a weapon like Calvin Johnson and not use him every other play, or how you can have Tashard Choice ripping holes in the UGA front and stop putting the ball in his hands is completely beyond me. Well done Tech. Six straight years, four of which had Captain Ball at the helm, and nothing to show for it. Enjoy your ACC showdown with Wake Forest. My money's already down on the Deacons.

THE RESULTS:

LSU @ Arkansas - Well, I wasn't really off that much with my analysis. McFadden is rapidly becoming the most dangerous player in college football, and with Felix Jones behind him, Arkansas's rush attack is terrifying. However, they need to remember that the game still goes on when the other team has the ball. Russell looked electric on the field, and your defense has failed when they can't contain that moron. Goose eggs all around.

Virus - 0
Jesus - 0
Caned - Fuck it.

Florida @ Florida State - The state of Florida can form a line right now to just suck my balls. Fuck Florida. The US needs to get gonorrhea so Florida will just fall off into the ocean.

Virus - 1
Jesus - 2

South Carolina @ Clemson - I'm just glad UGA plays SC early in the season every year. Spurrier gets his kids playing by the end of the year. A sloppy game all around that ended on a pathetic FG attempt by Jad (?) Dean that would have sent the game into overtime. No arrests, though, so I guess this one will go down as one of the more forgettable chapters in this already forgettable rivalry.

Virus - 0
Jesus - 0

Notre Dame @ USC - In the past few years, people start to get themselves worked into a frenzy about this game because ND usually comes in riding some kind of winning streak and USC is always seen as a soft Pac-10 team. However, ND is usually riding a win streak against the service academies, and USC is one of the fastest, most explosive teams in college football. ND looked like they were standing still in this one as USC charged out early and never looked back. Weis might want to think about recruiting some kids with some speed and not as many east coast Catholics with impossible to spell names.

Virus - 2
Jesus - 0

Wake Forest @ Maryland - Who. Fucking. Cares.

Virus - 2
Jesus - 2

TOTAL FOR WEEK:

Virus: 5 (flip a coin)
Jesus: 4 (tough luck kid!)

OVERALL:

Virus: 37
Jesus: 32
Caned: 10

SKINS:

Virus: 6
Jesus: 3
Caned: 0

TOMORROW: (conference)CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND GAMES POSTED!