It's seperation saturday. Or segregation saturday...or saturatio....point being, if you're even slightly heterosexual then grab some miller high life, throw a couple kit kats in a bag of cheetos, punch your girlfriend in the stomach, and get ready for some g-damn foozball. We got wolverines, overweight coaches, 4 of the teams I hate the most from the SEC trying to kill each other, and of course Oregon unveiling their newest ecstasy-friendly fashion shart.
First off let's get to the SEC because honestly, who really gives a shit about anyone else. Objections? Anyone? Illinois? Colorado? (I was just informed by the way that Colorado even HAD a team...that's adorable). Ok no objections. Ok first off, the two teams most deserving of a spring break STD outbreak, Florida and Tennessee. Ok ok, seriously? Two words... Air Force. AIR....FORCE. If Tennessee proved anything on their opening stunner against Cal, it wasn't that they were a force to be reckoned with, it was that the BCS computers are spending more time looking up animal porn for Bobby Bowden than they are picking worthwhile teams for the top 10. Congrats Tennessee, you managed to beat this year's equivalent of what you were last year, the most overhyped joke in the league. If Ainge is supposed to save your program than you guys are in for a couple years of hilarious dissapointment. I wouldn't have faith in Eric Ainge to successfully change my oil, which ironically is probably what he'll end up doing after he blows another couple of seasons for Fulmer. This game starts with a quick strike by Tennessee fizzles out into a 2 quarter back and forth and then erupts into a gator beat down that leaves Phillip Fulmer in fetal position in his shower desperately wishing that Peyton Manning would come back and give him and his pathetic program a much needed reach-around. Word to the wise Fulmer, you might want to turn your head and cough before you hit the field because Urban Meyer is going to be the third coach in the last handful of years to lead you and your team around by the short and curlies. OWNAGE! Rocky Top can eat a dick, Florida by 13.
NEXT! Auburn and LSU. True, Tommy Tuberville DOES look like that gay scout leader who gave innapropriate hugs at the troop meetings, but his tigers look (and it hurts me more than you know to say this) absolutely unstoppable this year. Kenny Irons, aside from winning the award for name best suited for a pop-country star, is inhuman when it comes to running the ball. In fact, the rest of the Auburn Tigers could probably win even if they showed up out of their minds on peyote. LSU might have an answer early for Irons, but after three quarters of football, global warming will finally take it's toll and the LSU defense will die of heat exhaustion trying to chase Irons around (Fuckin' Al Gore). Jamarcus Russell on the other hand will do what he does best, look shaky in the first quarter, settle for the second and then throw a couple of game changing interceptions in the third and fourth that seal the deal for Auburn. Auburn takes the game by a touchdown and goes on to represent the SEC West. Auburn by 7.
NEXXXXXT! THE BATTLE OF THE OVERRATEDS! Michigan and Notre Dame. The least intimidating rodent in the animal kingdoms' namesake drag their happy asses into the house that Weiss' man-tits built and take on pretty boy Quinn and his army of unpronouncable cohorts. Where the fuck do they find these guys? Notre Dame's roster looks like someone ate the alphabet and projectile shat it on the back of these kid's jerseys. I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't seen too much of Michigan, because honestly...it's Michigan. I do know that Vanderbilt gave them a little bit of a tussle the first half of that season opener. Vanderbilt. One more time. Vanderbilt. That being said, Notre Dame is the most overated team in the top 5 as of right now. Give me one good reason they should be in the top 5. I'll give you a minute. Yeah I didn't think so. Just because your coach can eat his own weight in slim jims doesn't give you an instant pass into the elite. They had one good game last year and they didn't win. THEY DIDN'T WIN! And you can keep the bullshit "they really did win though, it was a bad call" because you know what...they didn't. They DID....NOT.....WIN. And I can show you the score to prove it. Beating up on Joe Paterno doesn't prove anything except that you're mean. That's like being proud that you punched your grandmother in the mouth. You beat the walking dead and his overrated old-glory team. Hoorah. Let's all dust off our copies of Rudy and beat off. Anyway, where was I. I'm going for the upset in this game just because I hate Notre Dame. I know it's in South Bend. I know Michigan has been at the receiving end of a 5 year ass rape at the hands of Dame and I don't care. Michigan puts pressure on Quinn, Quinn has his inevitable 3 or 4 interception melt-down and the wolverines pull it out by a field goal in the waning minutes of the fourth. RUDY RUDY RUDY!
USC and Nebraska. Seriously. Seriously?! Maybe Booty melts down and hands it to them...but I doubt it. I mean how can you even root for a team called the corn huskers? Who the fuck is afraid of corn? The only corn i fear are the pointy pieces of it that ruin my 20 minute meditation time in the morning. USC runs circles around the Huskers and Nebraska fans go back to their second favorite hobby, counting cars on the interstate and reminiscing about when they used to be a good team. USC handles the cornholes by 17.
Louisville at Miami. Ohhhhhh Miami. When are Canes fan going to snap out of their cocaine induced insanity and fire that Skeletor looking cockzit Coker? I guess you can't totally blame Canes fan, they're a little too busy satisfying their parole requirements to worry about the slow decay of their little powerhouse. Hell, I could be a better offensive coordinator for the Canes at this point. Here's a little preview of what's going to happen today. Tyrone Moss will run on first down. Then he'll run on second down. Then, if they have more than 5 yards to cover for the first, they run Gregg Olson into the flat and Kyle Wright tries to get it to him before someone stuffs his 3 foot 8 ass into the turf. Mix that gameplan in with an occasional attempt downfield and one or two 10 yard completions to people who AREN'T named Gregg Olson and you have the hurricane offensive system in a nutshell. Kyle Wright is supposed to be a first round pick?! My prediction; Wright and Dorsey compare barbed wire tattoos while they wait third string on some NFL team noone cares about for the next 10 years. That being said, Miami always seems to impress when people are sure they're going to get their ass handed to them ANDDDDD Louisville's heisman hopeful (that just sounds ridiculous) did break his leg in the first game ANDDDDDDDDDD the last time Miami took a road trip as an underdog Mike Vick's gangbangin brother got left crying in his room to his Soulja Slim albums. BUT! I still think Louisville's speed and homefield advantage get the better of the Canes and they take the game by a touchdown. Let me just say this. This pick is more of an intervention than anything. Canes fans need to realize that the BEST thing they can do for their program right now is to lose this game and get rid of that wrinkly old testicle on the sidelines and get a real coach that can handle such a high expectation program. That's not a head coach, that's a cry for help.
Shit. I'm tired of typing so i'll make these quick. Oregon beats up on Oklahoma because the sight of their uniforms in motion induces violent vomiting and siezures in the Sooner team. Bobby Bowden and Tommy Bowden agree on a tie and have incestous man-love sex on the 50 yard line before the ground opens up and giant flaming bats carry them off to the third level of hell. That's the "Who Gives a Fuck" level if anyone was wondering. Texas Tech and TCU all realize that noone gives a jewel encrusted shit about them and all commit mass suicide. THE END!
Now if you guys don't mind, I need to rub one out really quick before the sight of Lee Corso in another ridiculous outfit makes me impotent for the rest of the week. Hopefully I'll be good and hammered by the time Lou Holtz drops another gem of wisdom on his half time talks and laughs like a retarted 9 foot woman. And remember folks, i'm not an expert, I just talk louder than you. GO DAWGS!