Young Football Jeezy, the Lee Majors of MillyVegas back with a week of college football that is so goldamn exciting i’m tempted to go rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, internet-shop for dress socks and work on my interpretive dance routines instead of watching any of this shit. But with college football, much like my sex life, you take what you can get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET’S GET TO IT!

First off, Viginia @ Georgia Tech on Thursday night football. Sigh. You know what, I can’t even think of a joke for this game so I’ll lay it out for you straight; It’s Virginia. Yes the same Virginia that barely escaped Wyoming only to get slapped around by Western Michigan. At this point I think a baby deer and a stiff wind could beat Virginia in their home stadium. Virginia is starting a new quarterback, Jameel Sewell and with a run game that’s ranked 117th in the nation, which incidentally is 3 rankings behind that team from Little Giants, he’s going to need to be absolutely perfect if he wants to take down the Jackets at home (engineers are intimidating after a few Zimas). On the other side of the ball, Reggie Ball is a hothead who melts down easily under pressure, but he put up impressive rushing numbers against Troy, a team with a quick defense that had just finished scaring the then 9th ranked Seminoles. I know the Cavaliers are on a three or four game win streak vs. the Jackets but I think that changes Thursday. Look for Ball to move around often early on and open up the pass game to Calvin “Man-Beast” Johnson. I think Tech makes the 17 point spread, but barely.

Now, Penn State at the horseshoe. Columbo-esqe Paterno has an outgunned squad against the Buckeyes at home and as much as I’d like to pick the blue and white, it aint happenin’. The Lions failure to execute mixed with penalties and stupid turnovers overshadow any positive movement they may make on the offensive side. Ohio State makes it a perfect 7-0 at home against ol’ Joe and easily covers the 17 point spread. I’m leaving it at that. You don’t make fun of Joe. That’s like braining puppies with a hammer for fun. You just don’t do it.

Bama at Arkansas. Load up on Doral 100s, put on your best Orange County Choppers shirt, dust off your houndstooth fedora and get ready for yet another agonizingly low scoring SEC West battle between what roughly equates to the two purgatory teams of the conference. I’m guessing that this game will be similar to a three hour long Larry the Cable Guy joke; long winded and incomprehensible with an unsatisfying finish. In fact, I predict that more Alabama natives will watch a re-run of “Two A Days” than tune into this game. When will Goose find love? Anyway, I actually thought this would be one of my upset pics for the week but looking at the line, noone’s really in Bama’s corner on this one. And neither am I. Bama has yet to see a running game like that of the Hogs and their d-line has only racked up 3 sacks in the 3 games and are about as scary as butterflys fucking on top of a rainbow, so Mustaine should have plenty of time in the pocket. The run game takes the pressure off Mustaine and he wins the time of possession battle and the game. I take Arkansas and the spread. I wouldn’t be suprised if the game ended up being 10-6 in favor of the hogs.

And that takes us to Arizona State @ Cal, the ONLY game in which two top 25 teams play each other all week. Honestly, I don’t know a whole lot about either of these programs. In fact, the only thing I’ve seen of either of these teams all season was Cal and their secondary’s embarassing showing at Rocky Top. Originally I wanted to go with home team advantage on this one but after talkin with the Virus, i’ve learned that Cal’s home stadium is about as intimidating as a community theater playhouse so that’s kinda out the window. Also after reading up on the match-up, it’s slated as a “running team”, that would be Cal who was held to 64 yards rushing the last time they faced a ranked team, and a “passing team”, that would be Arizona State which again brings me to the horrendous secondary showing of Cal in their Tennessee debut. Soooo I changed my mind. I’m taking Arizona State on the upset. On the bright side, with Cal out of the top 25 it’ll give the Berkley kids more time to focus on their “Save the Western Dakota Crab Weasel” campaign and shop for new “Not My President” baby-tees and Ani Difranco CDs. Fuckin hippies.

Boston College @ NC State. I’d honestly rather watch six hours of Mario Cantone guest hosting The View while jamming a salad fork in my ear hole than sit through this game butttt if I gotta pick then I give this game to the Golden Eagles. The Carter-Finley stadium advantage is negligible for the Wolfpack as Akron can probably tell you and BC just came off a squeaker victory against Jesus-favored BYU, not to mention the thriller against the underrated Clemson Tigers. The eagles are on a streak right now and I don’t think the wolfpack is the team to stop them. BC easily covers the spread and Doug Flutie’s dick seperates from his body, explodes and blinds Chuck Amato in one eye.

Notre Dame @ Michigan State. Logically, I don’t think Weis gets embarassed twice in a row, and I think Notre Dame has much more talent than the Spartans and once again...I don’t care. My stubborn pick for this week goes to Michigan State. Honestly, I’m so sick of hearing about Weis’ miracle working I’d probably pick against them if they were playing a team made up of Hitler, the Canadian Curling team, the entire cast of Sex and the City, and Ted Bundy. CLICK CLACK!

Lightning Round. Matt Stafford decides to take a break and Richt elects to let Uga VIII take a few snaps behind center. Uga throws 12 for 17 for 164 yards and 3 TDs against the Buffs defense. Loran Smith then relates a story about two squirrels he saw that morning which 20 minutes later ends up as an explanation for why he doesn’t shop at Auto Zone anymore. Dawgs cover the spread.
This may be stupid but no I don’t think Florida covers their spread against the Wildcats. The gators win last week should have been by much more than a point which furthers the notion that this goofy Urban Meyer option Utes bullshit is not as effective as it’s hyped to be. That shit may work against San Diego State and UNLV but not in the SEC. The Wildcats still lose the game because of their ridiculous defense but I think they make a couple great special teams plays and a couple of deep strikes downfield and keep Florida off-balance defensively. Kentucky stays within 17 or 20 of the Gators.
And to wrap up the SEC, I’m throwing my pick to FAU to take out a flailing Spurrier Gamecock squad because...well fuck, why not? Even Wofford had a decent shot at toppling them last week and I STILL don’t know where the hell Wofford is. Blake Mitchell’s done pretending he’s an extra on Roadhouse so maybe that stabilizes the offense but...It’s Spurrier, Fuck him. South Carolina chokes on a 4th quarter game winning touchdown drive, Mitchell gets intercepted and FAU takes the game by 4 points.
In parting, Go Falcons!!!! Now if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to go see If I can find those nude pics of Tiger Woods' wife I keep hearing about on Sportscenter. KINCAIDER NATION LIVES!