WEEK 6 PICKS - Football Jesus

Last week looked a bit better for the Jeez but yet again I saw a promising point lead slip from my hands in the fourth quarters of two more games (Thank you sweet baby Jesus there's no Irish games in the 5 pointers this week). If this were truly a sports book in vegas I'd be about 2 more bad picks away from giving handjobs behind the Bellagio by day to keep me afloat and crying myself to sleep in fetal position in my seedy off-the-strip shithole hotel. You know what they say about Vegas, What happens here, haunts your dreams FOREVERRRRRRRR. LETS GET TO IT!

Thursday night Action, Florida State @ NC State. The Deliverance-extra head coach vs. the Goodfellas-extra head coach. I'm trying really hard and I honestly can't get myself to give half a liquid shit about this match-up. NC State took this game last year and the way Florida State's offense looks anyone who plays decent pee-wee football could probably give them a good run for their money, but....NC State is horrible. Yeah they fucked me once before but they're still horrible. Period. Florida State wins this game but doesn't cover the spread since it's more than one digit. Someone will have to tell me about this one because I'd rather watch the 2nd season of the L-Word (I...LOVE...LESBIANS BYAGHHHHH) and slam my face into a table for a couple of hours than catch this. Yeah you heard me Kyle.

Texas @ Oklahoma. First off...the Texas quarterback is named Colt McCoy. Colt McCoy?! Is this a fucking re-run of Walker Texas Ranger? Is Wes Hightower the offensive coordinator? Jesus. Anyway. This is a hard game to call. Oklahoma's definitely got something to prove and three weeks worth of sobbing diary entries to avenge and they have a pretty good chance against Texas and their rookie QB, BUT, besides their one loss, Texas looks just as consistent at beating horrible teams as Oklahoma does so I don't buy this " New OU Focus" that the Middle Tennessee massacre supposedly proved. True Adrian Peterson is healthy and will probably lose 30 pounds running the ball saturday but I don't think it's enough. Texas takes the game and the points on the back of their rookie QB. Afterwards, Louis L'Amour bases a 17 book series on the life of Colt McCoy called Steel Cactus. Sighhhhhhhhhh.

LSU @ Florida. Florida actually has the line on this game...Cue the blasphemous lightning bolt and get the horsemen ready for their entrance. Seriously? I obviously haven't been paying enough attention to these Swamp games because I'm not seeing anything that grants the respect these guys keep getting. This game has to be the easiest upset I've called in the last two weeks. True Florida keeps pulling it out at home, but their last two opponents have held them to a slight 2 possession lead into the fourth quarter. Who are those hard-hitting opponents that could possibly challenge the INVINCIBLE Urban Meyer Fuck-O-Tron Juggernaut? Try Kentucky and Alabama slugger. LSU has only lost a single game and that was a squeaking heartbreaker on the road to the now #2 Auburn Tigers. Other than that they haven't put up less than 40 points on any of their other opponents. Their defense aint to shabby either, losing by only 4 points against the War Eagles and not allowing any other team to come within 31 points of them. And Florida gets the line? LSU beats up Meyer's boys at home and Gators fans finally get something that's justifiably worth booing about.

Michigan State @ Michigan. I honestly picked this game just to anger the Virus (since at this juncture in the point race I'm starting to get desperate) and hopefully to split up the obvious picks of the week. Everyone knows my soft-spot for the underdog and trust me, I want to pick Michigan State so bad in this one buttttttt I just can't justify choosing a team that screwed me so royally two weeks ago. I don't think Michigan State has such an easy time tossing the ball around against the Wolverine secondary as they did against Dame's and I think the blue and gold defense becomes the deciding factor and here's why; with Michigan's shaky offense, the defensive side of the game, especially turnovers, are going to be a huge factor and if anyone can pressure a team into turnovers in big games it's the Michigan D. Bad decisions and turnovers killed the Spartans in their last heartbreaker and it'll hurt them again Saturday. BUT. They're giving the Michigan offense a big number to cover with their lack of offensive firepower so I'm going with Michigan to win and Michigan State to cover.

Oregon @ Cal. Yet another hard to call match-up. I gave up on Cal after they gave that major victory to Phil "Anti-Christ" Fulmer and his hillbilly warriors in Week 1 but all of a sudden they're starting to look like a worthy football team again. The Golden Bears are putting up a minimum of forty-one points a game and are actually starting to develop a run game, a far-cry from their embarassing beginnings in Rocky Top. Oregon on the other hand is tough and sadly ol' Tearjerker Stoops has shifted the focus away from the fact that the Ducks are playing good football these days. The difference? The Ducks are missing their big boy Haloti "Steve" Ngata which is their only hope for stuffing a Cal run game which is looking better and better and makes it even worse for the Oregon secondary who are going to be too busy worrying about Desean Jackson in the backfield to help out on the line. If this game was in Oregon I'd probably take the Ducks because I still think they're a tough team and in the right setting could work past these defensive setbacks and take out the bears BUTTTT it aint and they won't. The line is low as well so I gotta take Cal to win and cover the spread.

Purdue @ Iowa. AHHHH I'm running out of mental stamina here and there's a box of frozen eggrolls calling my name right now so i'm going to make this quick. Purdue and Iowa BOTH ruined my last week of picks so this is a chance for both of them to be money for me. This comes down to one thing, whose secondary doesn't look as retarted as the other. The cornerback squads for both of these teams look atrocious at best, giving up massive yardage to some pretty laughable teams (Ball State, Illinois etc. etc.). Purdue loves to attack through the air, not that they have much of a choice with their only ground threat being the decently mobile QB Painter, and put up around 400 yards on the Notre Dame Secondary but their defense is much much worse than Iowa's and the Hawkeyes stay point for point with anything Purdue manages to put on the scoreboard. Purdue's offense sputters after 3 quarters and Iowa takes the game over. Iowa to win and take the spread.

And Finally. It had to happen. And it might take a while. You might want to grab a snack. Georgia...Tennessee...This is the game in the season that makes my skin crawl more than any other on the schedule. I hate Phil Fulmer. I HATE HIM. He looks like what would happen if a bullfrog fucked a businessman villain from a kickboxing movie. He's pure evil people. Pure evil. What's worse? My boys have never looked so confused and ridiculous as they have the last two weeks. You have to staple the damn ball to Massaqui's hands to get him to come down with it and the run game of our supposed three-elite running backs looks clumsy and ineffective at best. It also doesn't help that we're playing Russian Roulette with two rookie QBs who can't seem to find a receiver that's not crushed the second the ball hits his hands (and inevitably bounces out). There's a silver lining here to me though. Tereshinski is coming back (which sadly shows how desperate we are right now. That's like being happy that your herpes flared up again) and maybe he can add a little stability to the offense. Also, Mark Richt OWNS Phil Fulmer. Period. He just does. And finally, we're underdogs. UNDERDOGS (UnderDawgs? Had to do it). We're a higher ranked team playing in our own home stadium, arguably one of the hardest venues to play in college football (especially now that I have a ticket) and we're still a 3 point underdog. If anything can light a raging conflagration under the collective Bulldog ass it should be that fact. Tennessee has no run game (-11 yards against Florida) and is going to rely pretty much entirely on how much Robert Meachem sees the ball. I know everyone is bending down to gently blow on Erik Ainge's balls right now but I still contend that he's a horrible quarterback. You take away his deep threat Meachem and he's just an NCAA flop with gay highlights who goes 5th round if that. This is put up or shut up time for Georgia plain and simple. It's time for Moses to have a four sack game, it's time for Lumpkin and Ware to have an amazing running day for once, it's time for Brown to create some ridiculous runs on special teams, it's time for Massaqui to prove that he's worthy of an elite football program, and it's time for Joe Tereshinski to be the savior Georgia so desperately needs right now. GLORY GLORY MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now I'm going to go heat up some eggrolls and cuddle with my framed picture of Mark Richt. See you next week.