WEEK 6 PICKS RALPH VIRUS EAT SHIT YOU FUCKER

Man no discussion this week about the games or anything. And Fuck You very much for throwing Michigan State in the mix this week. I'm going to close my eyes, think of a color, look out the window, and then pull something out of my ass BECAUSE PICKING THEM MAKES ME SICK. Seriously. Eat shit. I'm going to start calling for the Notre Dame games to count double. Don't push me man, I'M A MOTHERFUCKING TIME BOMB. Now that we've established my insanity defense for whatever happens on Saturday in my apartment between the hours of 7:45 and 11 pm, on with the PICKS OF THE CHAMPION. I'm guessing we're doing 6 games this week? Or just the 5 on Saturday and the Thursday game for the hell of it, as usual? WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE PEOPLE. ONLY TWO OF YOU LIVE TOGETHER, IN A GAY WAY. Last week I was racist, this week homophobic. Look out people, it only gets worse from here.

FSU and NC State. God. I'm going to watch this tonight because there's shit else on, but I'll probably be asleep by halftime. I find it laughable that FSU is getting 10.5 on the road, when I'm not sure they're even capable of putting up 11 points. NC State burned me against BC, so I'll never go against the family again. NC State covers this easily at home, and I think pulls the upset here, unless Chris Weinke and Deion Sanders and Warrick Dunn parachute into the stadium and suit up for a quarter. Otherwise, NC State by a field goal, 6-3. This game is going to suck.

Texas and Oklahoma. THE RED RIVER RIVALRY BABY! NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I GUESS THERE'S A RIVER ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE CALLED RED, CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO RIVERS COLORED RED. THAT'S DONE GOT ME FLUMMOXED. Oklahoma rebounded nicely against Middle Tennessee State (ahem), but Texas is too talented all over for this Oklahoma team. That QB at Oklahoma is borderline awful, and becomes a walking catastrophe when put under pressure. Anybody wanna guess what Texas is going to be able to do to him? He throws 3-6 INTs in this one, and though Jeezy's buddy Colt (who the FUCK is Wes Hightower?) throws a few of his own, Texas contains Adrian Peterson which proves to be the difference. When both of these teams are really good, it's a low scoring defensive struggle. When one team has the advantage at nearly every position, it's generally a rout. I say Texas is more talented almost across the board and takes this one straight up and by an embarrassing score. They easily cover the 5.5 line.

LSU at Florida. This is the most ridiculous line I've ever seen. I really won't waste time with analysis, because it's pointless. Here's what's going to happen. The LSU defense eats Chris Leak for breakfast, and when they bring Tebow in for a "change of pace," LSU gives him a concussion. The Florida defense is quick, and Jamarcus Russell struggles in big games, but I think they have plenty of offense to counter a Florida offense that's going to be rocking back and forth with their thumbs in their mouths after the reaming they get. LSU wins big and easily.

Michigan State at Michigan. Seriously, FUCK YOU. Ok, here's what I have. I have John L. Smith, MSU head coach, saying the players are practicing the way they played in the Illinois game, meaning like they don't give a shit. He says he can't make them try. He is admitting on TV that he's losing his team and they're weak and vulnerable. Right before the Michigan game. I see this going 2 ways, and either is equally probable: 1) MSU has given up on the season after the ND game because they're a bunch of whiny quitters and John L. Smith is a horrible coach (all of which is true) or 2) They're playing possum, and after losing to Notre Dame, decided to salvage their season by tanking at Illinois, making everybody think they were broken so they could show up in Ann Arbor and explode for 60 points. Ok, so the second scenario calls for a bit more cunning than MSU or JL Smith possesses, but I'm torn on this one because no matter who I pick, I'm fucked. Soooooo.......Michigan takes the game in the Big House, Manningham gets another 100+ game and a few TDs so I can add to my "I was first on the bandwagon" gloating, but not by 17. MSU covers that monstrous spread.

Oregon at Cal. All I know about either team are the scores I see on the ticker, and they're always high. Cal seems to have righted the ship after getting walloped in Knoxville, and Oregon took their frustrations out on Arizona State last week with a King Sized beat down in the desert. I'm really torn about this one, as neither team seems to stand out over the other. I want to go with Oregon, but Cal's resume is a little more impressive, tossing out that one loss, and the game is in Berkeley. Cal has more firepower on offense than Oregon and everybody knows they don't play defense in the Pac-10 so Cal wins and covers this one at home.

Purdue at Iowa. Ahhhh...two teams who in their defeats brought me great victory. Two teams that were overrated on what they do best, and were beaten by teams that did it better. The explosive Iowa offense really hasn't shown up anywhere yet, with their highest point total being against Montana, and I believe without Drew Tate. His highest total this year has been the 27 they threw up on Iowa State. Purdue has scorched some cupcakes, and proven they can't stop ANYBODY this year. They allowed 35, 31, and 28 respectively to Indiana State, Miami (OH), and Ball State. They won all those games by scoring 60, 38 and 38. What's my point? I forgot. This game is a shootout, but in Iowa, Iowa takes it, but I'm not sold enough on their offense to cover that spread, even against Purdue's JV level defense. Purdue keeps it under 10 points with their explosive offense.

QUICKIES: Iowa State jumps up and bites Nebraska, finally ousting them from the top 25. Ohio State crushes Bowling Green; Auburn has a tussle with Arkansas early, but opens the game up late with a huge dose of Kenny Irons; USC rolls over Tyrone Willingham at home and washes the taste of that Wazzou game out of their mouths; West Virginia wants to be taken seriously after that close call at ECU and crushes Mississippi State by triple whatever the line is; oh yeah, noose, Sylvester Croom, noose, noose, Croom. WHAT? COME WITH IT SON. Notre Dame sends the Stanford team crying back to their physics labs; GT crushes Maryland and their old offensive coordinator Fatty McFatass; Clemson and Wake Forest in a shootout, but the Deacons pull the upset at home. Is there another game on? Oh yeah, Tennessee coach Philip Fulmer is struck down by lightning as Mark Richt rises into the air and hovers over the 50 yard line, revealing that he is the second coming of Christ and all Tennessee and Florida fans are sucked into the fiery depths of hell where they have to watch reruns of the Lindsey Scott run and the Verron Haynes "Hobnail Boot" play, complete with Larry Munson's commentary for all eternity.

Sylvester Croom Noose.