WEEK 12 PICKS - THE CHOSEN ONE...FOOTBALL JESUS

WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME BITCH! OH Sweet, nubile and currently legal (i think) olsen twins tits, it's been a good while since I've had the privilege of waxin' football on that ass and it appears that we couldn't have picked a better time than now to get back on that crosseyed Mark May-molested pony. Now USUALLY I save my rants and raves for the end of these little things but this shit has just become too good. The cluster fuck that is the college football top ten is enough to make one of those little asian-rubix cube masters pop a few blood vessels. I mean let's look at this, Amongst the top 10 teams right now...Ohio State has to play Michigan, USC has to play Notre Dame, Rutgers has to play West Virginia, and chances are that Arkansas will face off with Florida...I've tried for the last 26 hours straight to make a decent prediction on who's going to end up with the championship bid, besides the winner of the Buckeye/Michigan state team, and I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant...that's about all I can tell you. Buttttt the Jeezy himself has come up with an answer. My Solution? We take the 5 teams left after this last minute gangbang of a top 10 and have them compete in a bake off. Best of three. I got my cash on Charlie Weiss. That son of a bitch makes a mean fried chili dog. YIPPEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER, LET'S GET TO IT!

Thursday Night Yeehaw Time.

West Virginia @ Pitt...I would say that West Virginia sleeps on this one but in the last two weeks, the Mountaineers actually have a legit shot and making it back to National Championship status with a win here and against Rutgers. With that being said there's nothing more I like to see than a team with championship hopes have them dashed to the dirt because as a Georgia fan, we call that "regular season". But I don't see it happenin here. West Virginia takes down Pitt, but doesn't cover that spread with their lack of defence.

The Good Shiyat.

Michigan @ Ohio State... Oh sweet god. According to the ESPN, "We've got way too much free time after Kenny Mayne left" poll, apparently the ONLY two states in America that believe that Michigan has a shot in this one are Michigan and Wyoming. When a state shamed by the spit-palm debacle that was brokeback mountain is your only ally then things just aint lookin good for ya. You know, I've done a little research here and found a hilarious fact that losers like myself and the other worthless individuals that read this might enjoy. Michigan has done one thing and done it well over the last 4 or 5 decades and that's laughingly tap dance all over the buckeyes hopes of making it to the big dance. With the exception of 2002, Michigan has broken buckeye hearts in 69', 77', 93', 95', and 96'. Now...with that shit out of the way, WHO GIVES A FUCK! Oh how I wish that this game was being played in Ann Arbor so I could feel a little better about the Wolverines shot here...Alright enough dancin' around, here's what's going to happen. The first half will be about as expected back and forth with the defense holding strong for both sides and not a lot of points being thrown up. In the second half the Ohio State defense starts to bend and someone blows a coverage on Manningham for a gigantic play. The Michigan front line gets in Troy Smith's face and forces him to make a couple of bad decisions that end up sinking the Buckeye's title hopes. That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm putting my cash on the Wolverines to make a valiant stand and squeak a victory out in the Horseshoe this weekend. I haven't picked an upset in a while and this one right here's a doozy. HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Cal @ USC...honestly I had the trojans picked for a four game lose-out but somehow...somehow those Socal boys figured out a way to pull it out. Welllll it ends this weekend folks. I know Cal got upset by Arizona last week but honestly that seems to be the trend nowadays. The difference in that one being that about half of an inch of toe hit that little white line and stole the comeback that most of the other contenders have pulled against absolute nobodys. You gotta be out of your mind to think that Cal won't come into this one eager to hand out the same season-crushing medicine they just got forcefed last week. Once again, i'm throwing my pick to the upset, Cal for the victory in whatever goofy name Southern Cal has for it's stadium.

Auburn @ Alabama...The Iron Bowl! Hey I seem to remember one of these teams....I just can't place it...I mean the name sounds so familiar....WHERE do I know those guys from? Oh now I remember, that's the team that got 22 POINTS SHOVED UP THEIR ASS BY, as all the sports-"experts" so eloquently put it every year, "THE MOST OVERRATED TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL" IN YOUR HOME STADIUM. Look for it to take about 2 quarters in this one before Tommy Tuberville can manage to pry Richt's foot from deep in his ass. You know I wish someone would explain Alabama to me. They put up a valiant fight against Tennessee, they looked like they had some life against LSU, and they even gave a nice little scare to Florida, yet everytime, they keep coughing it right back up. Well you know what, I think Alabama has been cockblocked long enough. For the THIRD upset in a row, I'm goin with the Crimson Tide in this one cause you know what, fuck it. ROLL TIDE BITCHES!

Maryland @ Boston College...This just in, noone gives a virgin-mary shaped dog shit. God I don't know about either of these teams besides Maryland's close call with GT and their squeaker against the Canes. You know what, my upset streak has served me well so far so let's keep that train a rollin'. I'm callin the Terps in this one.

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest...Wake Forest DOMINATED Florida State last week. Now I understand that that's about like saying "I DOMINATED that leftover chinese food yesterday." But still, you gotta give it to the Demon Deacons, they've put together a mighty fine team this year. I don't know much about the ACC so I'm not sure if they still have a shot at getting the championship bid for the conference or not but I'm pullin for em'. I mean come on, Demon Deacons just sounds cool, and the black uniforms make me want to listen to Slayer drink a handle of Mr. Boston's and punch some guy in a wifebeater and a bandanna for eyein' my chick wrong. With a perfect five for five on upsets this week, I'm throwin my lot to the boys in black. Get em' Deacons.

LIGHTNING ROUND!!!!!!

Phil Fulmer is a pudding-cup-fucking cockbag. Vandy bucks up and gives the Vols what they've had comin' all year. Arkansas barely covers their spread against the bulldogs...in the first 3 minutes of the game. Nuff' said rreally, Arkansas rolls on this one. Have you ever run across someone that you hated...but then they had the absolute worst luck in the entire fuckin' world. I'm talking absolutely nothing goes right for them EVER in a month or two span. I mean to the point where you actually feel really bad for them? Me neither but I'm still kinda rootin for the Canes in this one...Why? Howie Long's son plays on the Virginia D-Line....and those goddamn radioshack commercials still haunt my dreams...shudder. Canes for the win and the cover.

So here's hoping that every single team in the country gets upset...It's worth a shot at least. Rest up folks, these next couple of weeks are going to be a doozy.