WEEK 8 PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS

SWEET DANCING ANN COULTERS MY INTERNET ACTUALLY CONNECTED! Apologies for the late post here guys but “technical difficulties” and the speedy reliable internet services of Third Reich Communications, or Charter as you might know them, have teamed up to try and get me to break a window with my bare hands. You know if it weren’t for the fact that this box provides so many enjoyable pictures of young women, jumper cables, and the 1984 Chicago Blackhawks line-up having a little good ol’ American fun, then I’d probably trade this fucking useless thing in for some pork rinds and 24 ounce Icehouse right about now. But anyway....FUCK IT! LETS GET TO IT!

Georgia Tech @ Clemson. This is probably one of the best match-ups in the last three weeks as far as i’m concerned. These guys both have explosive offenses and utilize a lot of weapons. It aint too shabby on defense either people, I mean we’re talking the number 6 run defense in the country, Clemson, against the number 7 run defense in the country, Georgia Tech. Ohhhhhh I think I just peed a little. Here’s the kicker in this one though, Tech has shown that when they build a slight lead they tend to get a little too conservative and ignore their deep threat Johnson. Virginia Tech was making a decent comeback that was halted by the Jacket defense and I STILL contend that Tech should have won that game against Notre Dame they just got too pussy on play calling once they started to inch ahead. Clemson on the other hand can play fourth quarter football, pulling out shockers against Wake Forest and Florida State with their last minute heroics. I think i’ve made the comment that I would never pick against Georgia Tech if they played an away game against a ranked team but if there’s one thing i’ve learned over the last two or three years it’s that I would NEVER follow my advice. Clemson takes this game but doesn’t cover the large spread here. Expect a shoot-out and another fourth quarter explosion by the Tigers that leaves Reggie Ball in a Montell-esque “My thirteen year old is out of control” tantrum and seals the loss for the Ramblin’ Wreck. Tigers Win, Jackets Cover.

Texas @ Nebraska. The battle of the tractor-fuckers starring Roadhouse extra-Colt McCoy. How come this rivalry doesn’t come with a gay menstraul metaphor name like the Oklahoma/Texas game? While Nebraska has been holding on for their Big 12 life, Colt McCoy has been practicing his line dancing and writing fan letters to Big and Rich on the sidelines waiting for a decent competitor. If this was playing itself out in Texas then It would be a laughably easy pick but since it’s in Nebraska I’m a little more skeptical to just throw the bone to Texas and walk here. I mean Nebraska has looked mediocre at best, just inching their way through a couple of easy games AND the huskers are still desoerate for respect after getting donkey punched by the still unconvincing Trojans buttt.....well who the fuck am I kidding, Nebraska won’t win this and they sure as hell won’t stop a 7 point spread. Texas holds off another redemption push by Nebraska. Texas wins and covers.

Iowa @ Michigan. Jesus, it’s absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to pick an upset this week. Iowa screwed me royally and might be one of the most dissapointing teams, besides my own boys to hit the field this season. For the life of me I can’t find out whether or not Manningham is back or not but once I did a little research, I figured out how little that matters against a defense that could be roughly compared to a special olympics red rover team. The hawkeyes have given up 400 yards to their opponents in four straight games which isn’t that horrible a stat with two of the teams being Ohio State and Purdue (the other being Indiana which as a side note also gained 160 yards on the ground against the Hawkeyes) but it’s a damning stat when you’re walking into the Big House. Call me conservative but I’m not retarted enough to go with Iowa here. BUT, Michigan did fail to cover a small spread against Penn State and so I’m not going to give them the cover love. Michigan Wins, Iowa Covers.

Shit, I just realize it’s getting late and I got shit to do today so the rest of these games get to go in the LIGHTNING ROUND! Bobby Bowden is creepy. Plain and simple. If he wasn’t a head coach he’s be dressing up like a clown and murdering male hookers. FSU’s glory days are OVER, yeah you heard it, O-V-E-R. Bowden is pulling an Aerosmith and annoying the last few fans he has left by dragging himself through these last couple of miserable seasons. FSU might just have the worst offense of any team in the ACC or the league (cough...Georgia...cough cough) for that matter. Boston College keeps proving me wrong day in and day out so If you can’t beat em’, root for em’ when they play bowden that’s what I always say. Boston College spanks Bowden at home.

Alabama @ Tennessee. Man I want to pick Alabama. Alabama may be the one team in the SEC that doesn’t turn my stomach and for some odd reason I always have a soft spot for the Crimson Tide. Sadly this game is in Knoxville and Tennessee is rolling. Only if Eric Ainge has a horrible hair bleaching incident before the game and Robert Meachem gets a raging case of the West Bangkok clap can Alabama even pray to have a shot against these boys. Bama couldn’t get to the QB if Fulmer himself sat solo on the offensive line and sadly that’s the only way you’re going to topple these guys right now. The Hillbilly Warriors roll over the Crimson Tide and covers the spread easily.

Rutgers @ Pitt. Drill holes in my dick and play it like a french horn. I have no idea what to think about either of these teams and could live the rest of my life not caring honestly. I know Virus is on the Palco bandwagon and honestly, when it comes to this sort of shit...The Virus Knows! I wish the spread was a little higher because then I’d just go for a cover shot but unfortunately it aint. But since our picks are pretty much the same down the line and this is one of the few games I know absolutely nothing about, I’ll go ahead and throw out an upset here. This game goes to the still undefeated....um....Rutgerians? What the hell is their team name anyway? How about the Rutgers Fighting Pube Cannons. I like that. I’ll bill you later.

As for the other games? Georgia couldn’t cover the spread if they were playing the midnight shift at Burger King right now. Granted it’s Mississippi State and the only way that sorry bunch knows how to get to the stadium is to follow the noose trailing from Sylvester Croom’s neck. YEAH I SAID IT! PLUS HE’S BLACK! Leave it to a Mississippi State fan to start throwing the racist card whenever people talk bad about their miserable coach. I don’t give a shit if the guy was one of those tripod aliens from War of the Worlds he still couldn’t coach his way to a pee wee league championship. Jesus at least we suck it up and accept when our team plays lousy. Go watch soccer or something you pansy. You know what Georgia puts up 30 points on Croom’s boys and at halftime they all jam plastic forks in their eyeholes and STILL cover the spread. Fuck Mississippi State.

Vanderbilt aint good folks, we’re just that bad. South Carolina’s new quarterback is scary and he’ll have a standout game in this one. Easy cover.

I got me a baseball championship game to watch fellers. See you next week.