WEEK 4 in Review - The Virus

Am I the kind of person who gloats when he wins? The kind of person who kicks people when they're down? The kind of person that would piss into your gaping chest wound after I sent a 12 gauge full of buckshot into it? Ordinarily, yes, that pretty much describes me to a T. This week, though, the lesson of the day is humility, and this is the closest I've come to believing in a God in over a decade. I'm watching my back for lightning bolts this week. So here's my 10 points of the week:

1) God almighty Georgia, What. The. Fuck. Seriously. I'm in Boston so I was spared having to watch all but the final 90 seconds of this debacle, but I was about to have a coronary just watching the ESPN ticker. What happened to Stafford? Did Colorado kidnap him, bleach Kordell Stewart white and slip it past the coaches somehow? The ONLY bright spot here is that Cox looked phenomenal. Lighting up the Colorado defense is a little like the Miami Heat lighting up a WNBA team, but there's no doubt that kid pulled a rabbit-shaped miracle out of his ass on Saturday. UGA surivives, and amazingly drops only 1 spot in the standings to #10. Look for more conservative picks next week in the Ole Miss Game.

2) More miracles: BC got absolutely Flutied this week by Chuck Amato's boys down in Carolina. I watched none of this game because I was alternating between seeing if Kentucky could ever get going and seeing Sparty lay a whoopin on the Irish early, so I don't know what the hell happened except what I saw on the highlights. I said before BC tends to play down to the competition, and they did it again, and it finally bit them in the ass. I'm glad BC lost, but hate that I picked them.

3) ND and MSU. I watched the end of this, and I STILL don't know what happened. Every now and then ND seems to do this, where they pull an impossible game out through turnovers and defensive touchdowns. And I think this just solidifies my theory that MSU is controlled by someone with a button or switch somewhere who randomly pushes it to make them unstoppable or terrible. Somehow, amidst all that, the line gets lost that Brady Quinn had 5 TD to 1 INT. He looked worse than that to me, but that's what the numbers say. I'm going to beg that we never use Michigan State again, because if we do, I'm flipping a coin, and that's that.

4) South Carolina - 45, FAU - 6

5) Arkansas had no right winning that game on Saturday. That Bama kicker was 1-4 on FG attempts, including 1 in OT to win, and missed the crucial PAT that allowed Arkansas to win. I just can't see how, at the level of football Alabama plays at, they can have a guy THAT CAN MISS A PAT. Shit, one of the defensive lineman might have been able to kick that one through the uprights. Compounding this was the fact that Megadeth lead singer Dave Mustaine's illegitimate lovechild had one of the worst statistical games I've seen. He made Stafford look like Johnny Fucking Unitas. His line on the day? 7-22, 97 yds, 4.4 yards per attempt, 1TD (in OT), 3INT. That Bama kicker is going to have a hell of a rough week.

6) Ohio State and Penn State. Half the people in the country with money on this one climbed out of the noose in the last 2 minutes while the other half took their place. 2 INT returns for a touchdown in the last 2 minutes of a game should be called something more than a "backdoor cover," like a "holy fucking shit I was about to blow my head off because I bet my rent money on OSU and God reached down from heaven and thumped Morelli in the back of the head hard enough to make him deliver to cover to us." That's just a suggestion. OSU is not nearly as strong as they looked against Texas, struggling with Cincinnati last week (who gave VT a scare this week) and again against PSU. Both games look exactly the same in the box scores: OSU leads, but barely until 4th quarter when they explode for an inexplicable number of points. Iowa has a pretty explosive offense, so I'm curious to see if they let Iowa hang around long enough, because Iowa may be to far in front to catch.

7) Kentucky vs Florida. Kentucky was competitive in this game, but played traditional Kentucky football with stupid penalties, backbreaking turnovers, and about a dozen Rich Brooks hissy fits on the sideline. Chris Leak actually got booed in this one after coming in for a scorching hot Tim Tebow. Leave it to Florida fans to pull a class move like this in Leak's senior season. Tebow has one play he runs, and if he tries that against Auburn, LSU or UGA more than 2 straight times, look for him to be peering at the world through the earhole of his helmet.

8) Michigan looked solid against Wisconsin, but not overwhelming. Mike Hart is a solid back, but not the guy who can take a game over against a good defense. Chad Henne seems to make just enough of the right plays to keep his job, while Mario Manningham is emerging as the best receiver nobody is talking about. 5 TD in his last 2 games, both over 100 yd efforts. We all thought Steve Breaston was going to emerge as the next great Michigan WR, but Manningham is quickly turning into Henne's favorite target, and usually in the the end zone. That Big Blue defense is ferocious, though, and it was the defense and special teams that kept them in this one long enough to pull ahead. Wisconsin had a quick strike on the first drive, and then nothing for 58 minutes. I'm already giddy thinking about a showdown between Michigan and OSU where both are 11-0.

9) Tennessee needed 17 in the 4th quarter to pull away from a Marshall team that just ain't what they used to be. The margin was 9 for much of the second half before Tennessee finally put them away.

10) Az St. vs Cal. I didn't mean to mislead the Jeezy, I was just saying I've been to Berkeley, and that stadium doesn't seem big enough to have a home field advantage. My guess for what happened here is that the Cal players's rectums are still sore from the reaming Tedford gave them after the Tennessee debacle and they want to avoid another at all costs. They've been a team possessed since that loss, and they just took the beat down stick to Dirk's boys up in Berkeley. I was honestly set to pick Arizona State until I heard Dirk was 0-10 in the state of CA, so I figured he'd better be 1 and something before I ever pick in that state. 0-11, but I did think they'd put up more of a fight than that.

QUICK NOTES: Mississippi State gets their first W of the season 16-10 over UAB. Time to discredit UGA's shutout of UAB now. LSU and Auburn both roll over inferior opponents (Tulane and Buffalo respectively), though it took awhile for Auburn to warm up. West Virginia had their lowest rushing output in 6 games against Eastern Carolina and hold on 27-10. Slaton for Heisman? Not looking so good. USC in a dogfight with Arizona, but triumph 20-3, perhaps with the help of the "suspended" pac-10 crew officiating the game. That's right, the crew that screwed brother Bob's Sooners out of the Oregon game were back on the field for Mike Stoops and company at Arizona due to a lack of available officials. PAC-10, get your shit straight! Last one, speaking of Oklahoma, those who thought they might be distracted this week, go stick your head back up your ass. Middle Tennessee State didn't know what hit them as the Sooners serially gang raped MTS to the tune of 59-0.

So on that note, CHEER CHEER FOR OLD NOTRE DAME!