WEEK 5 PICKS - Football Jesus. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Ok ok , so last week didn’t work out so well for the Jeez, so apparently this is my put up or shut up week now and yet again, I haven't learned from my mistakes. Tear. Anyway, this week's nail-biting schedule, it seems, is once more riddled with “they have a team?”s, and “they were good once, right?”s. Jesus. Picking games worth watching this week is about like picking which chick to hit on at a Styx reunion concert, chances are it’s going to be dissapointing and taste a bit like Fanta and Vodka. But once again, for your reading pleasure, The Clown Princes of College Football have come through with 5 games we think should be at least interesting enough to merit getting nothing accomplished and proving your ex-girlfriend right. LET’S GET TO IT!

First off Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech. Now I know some of you out there might be sold on the Hokies and some of you out there may even know what a Hokie is and have a decent explanation for why any sane person would name a team after what I’m guessing is a fucking turkey, BUT! I’m not. Beating up on Duke and North Carolina might have been impressive if it had been on a basketball court but beating them at football makes your squad look about as menacing as the gang of dancers in Micheal Jackson’s “Beat It” video. Now let me refresh you on the certified giant killing machine that is the ramblin’ wreck; Last season, Ball and Johnson took down Auburn and Miami, both of which were road games for the jackets and both of which were, at the time, big top 10 upsets. They also kept it close with Georgia at the end of the season and put up one hell of a fight against Notre Dame (and I bet you if that had been in South Bend the Irish might not have escaped that one) for the season opener. These guys may be confused as to where their stadium is for the rest of the season but when a team with a number in front of their name shows up on the schedule, ESPECIALLY on the road, these guys turn into the badass bastard offspring of Steve McQueen and Dalton from Roadhouse. Did anyone else just get pregnant? I’m going with the dream crushers on this one for a ramblin’ wreck road show to remember. Georgia Tech to win.

Alabama @ Florida. How retarted are Florida fans? Honestly. Did anyone else hear them boo, cheer, and then boo Leak again in his own stadium last week? I’m personally suprised Leak didn’t have a seizure on the sidelines cause’ I felt like I needed to mainline a handfull of adderall just to keep up with Urban Meyer’s “masturbating hummingbird” offense. Now, as a Georgia fan, I’ve seen the ol’ quarterback switcheroo before, but sweet God, for the last half the quarterbacks were switching back and forth so much I was suprised Meyer didn’t just line them up side by side in the backfield and have them thumb wrestle for who got the snap each play. Enter, the Tide...Bama has a great chance of making this two upsets in a row vs. the Gators and here’s why; Including this showdown, Florida has by far one of the most RIDICULOUS 4 game schedules in the history of time ahead of them. LSU comes to the swamp next week, the Gators take a roadtrip to War Eagle territory the next week, and oh yeah, a little thing we like to call the World’s Greatest Cocktail Party against my boys in red after that. A line up like that is sure to shake the concentration of ANY team especially one that looks clumsy and confused on offense at best (I know they put up 19 on the Wildcats but they had a hell of a time doing it). This game will come down to kicking (which should be absolutely hilarious by the way) between the two missed extra points by Florida last week, and the HORRENDOUS showing by Alabama’s kicker against Arkansas. All in all, I think the Gators sleep on the Crimson Tide and get played close until the 4th. Leak won’t let the Tide embarass him for his senior year and figures out a way to pull it out in the end but I don’t think the Gators cover the 13 point spread. Florida to win, Alabama to cover the points.

Ohio State @ Iowa. Everyone knows I can’t resist a good upset pick and so here’s my second for the week. Try as I might, I’m just not buying the Buckeye hype just yet. Although the final scores make them look great, I have YET to see a game where Ohio State wasn’t played uncomfortably close for at least 3 quarters of football. Ohio is headed for trouble if they run into a team that doesn’t make the same 4th quarter defensive breakdowns and ridiculous turnovers as their last couple of competitors have, and if anyone can pull this off, in my opinion, it’s Tate. If Tate can get hot early and open up a lead, I think Troy Smith will turn Reggie Ball, get frustrated and makes way too many mistakes. Iowa toughens up and takes the buckeyes.

Oregon and Arizona St. Arizona St. did me wrong last week, and while I know there’s buzz of an upset brewing, I don’t buy it. Oregon may have won their game with Oklahoma on a bullshit call, but you can’t deny they still played em’ damn close up to that last TD. Fool me once Sun Devils. Oregon to win and cover the spread.

Purdue @ Notre Dame. Jam an icepick in my dick hole. Sigh. This game comes down to one thing and one thing only. Pressure. Anthony Spencer has been a big force for the boilermakers with 5 sacks in their last 4 showings, and Quinn has spent so much time on his back in the last couple games you’d think they recruited him from the receiving end of a Vikings boat party. Purdue has to keep the pressure on Quinn the entire game to make up for their miserable 115th ranked secondary, because as last week showed, the Irish just won’t die no matter what the score is in the 4th quarter. True, Charlie Weis is a gigantic fuckbag but...the Irish take the game and the point spread. I hate myself.

LIGHTNING ROUND. Auburn at South Carolina. If there’s one thing I hate more than picking Steve Spurrier for anything it’s having to pick Tommy Tuberville instead. I can’t even think of a joke for this shit. I hope both sides die. I hope a rip in the fabric of time occurs and a pack of robotic tyrannosauri with flamethrowers for arms completely decimate the stadium and leave nothing but a charred visor and some gay memories of Tommy entering arm in arm with his team. Auburn destroys South Carolina at home and I punch myself in the crotch for 3 hours.
BYU @ TCU. The battle for “Jesus likes us better” bragging rights. Now this is how God intended religious debates be played out. I’m rooting for TCU just because if another Mormon commerical ruins my half-stock during the Hooter’s Swimsuit Competition on ESPN 2, I’m going to have to destroy the entire state of Utah myself. In the end it doesn’t matter who wins because there’ll still be an elderly Jehovah’s Witness army out there shoving Watchtower’s down our throats at halftime. TCU wins and covers.
Georgia wins and covers the spread because the Manning’s have cursed the Ole Miss campus with their presence. California and Oregon St. decide to go to a peace rally instead of play the game and all die when their Anti-Bush march accidentally takes a wrong turn and ends up on the interstate. Cal covers their spread and a bunch of String Cheese Incident fans get too stoned to notice. LSU wins, covers the spread and all 4 of the Miss State fans chip in on a revolver and kill themselves. I’m pickin Miami to win because if they don’t then I’m going to have to stop Caneboy from strapping a lawnmower to his chest and going after Larry Coker Dead Alive style. Jesus christ how many games are we going to talk about here? I feel like I’m taking the SAT. I’m gonna go drop off some lumber. See you next week.