Whiskey and Gatorade

2007-01-09T09:34:00.000-05:00

Well, it's all over now except for the endless parade of "all-star" contests. We slacked off a bit at the end here, but a man has his limits. After 30 or 40 or 90 something games in three weeks, I hit a wall and just stopped caring. Of course it didn't help that the last two major games of the season ended with almost exactly the same score and the pinnacle of awesomeness in football was reached in the lowly Fiesta Bowl. The only way the championship game could have topped it is if that wrestler's kid from Ohio State decapitated Tebow on a sack, pulled an electric guitar out from under his jersey while amplifiers rose up out of the turf and played a guitar solo so bitchingly sweet that all the Florida fans had their faces melted off and their testicles atomized.

Alas, that didn't happen, and if seeing Florida hoist two championship trophies in the same year wasn't traumatizing enough, the front page of ESPN.com today reads "Chompions." Really. That was the best they could do.

Rather than giving a recap, I decided to give an awards show. Enjoy.

FLORIDA AWARDS

Chris Leak - Derek Jeter "Dreamy Green Eyes" award.
- Come on people, this kid is handsome.

Florida Fans - Paris Hilton "Ungrateful Motherfuckers" award.
- Chris Leak had to endure a coaching change right in the middle of his tenure that led to an offense that he was not built to run. Chris Leak hung in there and led the team to a 13-1 record against one of the hardest schedules I've ever seen. Florida fans screamed all off-season last year for Meyer to start Tebow instead of Leak. The moral of the story is: Florida fans are stupid retards who don't know what's best for them. It would have been sweet justice if Chris Leak hoisted the BCS crystal football, turned to the student section, dropped his pants and pissed all over them. That's all they've done to him for the past 4 years.

Tim Tebow - Martin and Bill Gramatica "Excessive Celebration in the Wake of Miniscule Accomplishments" award
- I've never seen anybody get so damn excited about a 3 yard gain. When he starts playing full time they may need to put a slobber bib on him.

Emmitt Smith - Matthew McConaughey "Hey, my alma mater is in the Championship Game" Award
- Where the fuck was Emmitt Smith in the Ron Zook years? Oh right...he was sucking ass in Arizona so he could stumble his way over Walter Payton's record. What a shit.

Urban Meyer - Steve Spurrier "Eat Shit and Die, Pussy" award.
- Up 34-14 late in the 4th quarter with a 4th and short deep in OSU territory, Meyer goes for it and ultimately gets the touchdown. Shades of the Old Ball Coach's blatant disrespect for his opponent.

ALSO -- Jim Donnan "Transparent Play Calling" award.
- 2nd and goal - in comes Tebow. Tebow under center, rush up the middle (by my count, Tebow had 11 touches, 9 rushes straight up the middle, 1 pass for a TD and one run to his right for a TD...82% of the time, Tebow runs the same play, AND OHIO STATE NEVER STOPPED IT)

ALSO -- Mike Ditka "Screw Over the Heart and Soul of your Franchise for a Dipshit Novelty Act" award.
- Who can forget Ditka not giving the ball to Walter Payton in the '86 Super Bowl and putting the Fridge in the game instead. Payton never scored a Super Bowl touchdown. Meyer continually went to Tebow when close to the goal line, even when the scores were getting meaningless. Leak had 1 TD, Tebow had 2.

OHIO STATE AWARDS

Jim Tressel - Frank Beamer Memorial "Shoot your Team in the Foot by not Punting in Critical Situations" award
- Anyone who watched the '99 championship game between Virginia Tech and Florida State would have a hard time forgetting how Beamer went for it on 4th down twice in the first quarter rather than taking an easy field goal. He didn't make it either time and all the air went right out of Michael Vick and company. VT got stomped. Tressel didn't watch that game, panicked early and went for it on 4th and 1 from his own 30, and guess what happened.

ALSO -- Mr. Rogers "Finger in my Butt Pederast Wardrobe" award.
- It's time to hang up the sweater vest buddy.

ALSO -- Chan Gailey "Let's Keep the Ball Away from the Only Guy Who's Doing Shit" award.
- Pittman had 10 carries for 62 yards, averaging 6.2 per carry. Hard to make much progress with only 10 carries though (to be fair, Florida had the ball almost the whole game and Troy Smith only had 14 pass attempts).

Ted Ginn Jr. - Nick Saban "Gosh Football is Hard" award
- This is one of Jeezy's, and I don't get it.

ALSO -- Brandon Coutu "We're Fucked Without This Guy" award.
- Georgia would have beaten Vanderbilt and Kentucky if Coutu were kicking. Yes, I'm still bitter.

Antonio Gonzalez - Jason Williams "White Chocolate" award.
- What is this guy anyway? He's paler than the underside of Charlie Weiss's FUPA and has the complexion of a 14 year old fat chick who drowns her sorrows in cartons of Rocky Road. Also, I swear I heard the annoucncers say this guy ran a sub 4.3 40 yard dash. No. Fucking. Way.

Antonio Pittman - Marshall Faulk "PLEASE Give me some Fucking Carries" award.
- Anybody remember what happened to the Rams in the 2001 Super Bowl when Mike Martz wouldn't get the ball to Faulk? OSU should.

OSU Defense - JaMarcus Russell "I'm a Confused Retard" award.
- Seriously, Tebow lines up 11 times and runs right at you 9 times and averages almost 4 yards a carry (10 attempts, 39 yards). Here's a hint, when Tebow's in the game, STUFF THE FUCKING MIDDLE.

Troy Smith (aka BIG WINNER!) - Ron Mexico award
- Another of the Jeezy's. He was really drunk last night and I don't know what half of what he said means.

ALSO -- Willis McGahee "Draft Suicide" award.
- If any team takes Troy Smith in the first 2 rounds, they're wasting a pick.

ALSO -- Donovan McNabb "Shit the Bed" award.
- Big game, big pressure, what do you do? Hurl in the huddle or go 4/14 for 35 yards passing and 1 INT.

ALSO -- Jason White "That Guy won the Heisman?" award.
- I was getting really angry when they kept calling Troy Smith "the best player/QB in college football this year." Really, people. He wasn't that good. He had a lot of talent around him (see also: Ken Dorsey).

ANNOUNCER AWARDS

Barry Alvarez - Charlie Weiss "Excellence in the Field of Mantitties" award.
- Because he's fat.

ALSO -- Allen Iverson "We Talkin Bout Practice Captain Obvious" award.
- For mentioning 3 times in the first 5 minutes that practice cannot simulate game conditions. He should know because he used to be a coach! Wowzers!

Thom Brenneman - Harry Carey "What the Fuck Non-Sequitur" award.
- For his comment in the second half that Jack Bauer would be pleased with Florida's performance. There has to be a better way to work a promo in than that.

Other color commentator - Phil Simms "SHUT THE FUCK UP Verbal Diarrhea" award.
- Jesus fucking christ, man...come up for air every once in awhile.

WTF AWARDS

WTF Bio Fact of the Game - Urban Meyer has a Master's degree. Suddenly my pursuit of higher education feels cheapened.

WTF Promotion of the Game - "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I swear to God in the 3rd quarter some woman ran on the field to fetch the tee after a kickoff because she won the "Taco Bell Get the Tee" promotion. I kept punching myself in the mansack in the vain hope that I would come to and realize it was all a wacky dream, but my canteloupe sized balls are testiment to its reality.

WTF Doesn't that dude have a life award - To Me. Because I put way too much time and thought into this.

If you behave yourselves, you may get a year-end award wrap up. In fact, unless you pay me $500,000, you're going to get one anyway.

Jeezy won the gambling pool. Or something. I'm going to stick with my story that I stopped giving a shit and my turds are made of solid gold so I don't need this to validate my existence. Take your shallow award and go live your shell of a life young one. You will soon see the folly of your materialistic ways.

2007-01-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

ORANGE BOWL PICKS

Lousiville (-10) vs Wake Forest
Over/Under 54

FJ - 50 on Wake Forest to cover
20 on the under

RV - 50 on Wake Forest
40 on the under

2007-01-01T16:41:00.000-05:00

BCS GAME PICKS

Jeezy can't get to a working computer so he called in these picks:

50 on Michigan to cover
4o on Boise State to cover

Here's my rundown:

Apparently Michigan and USC are playing a game today. Honestly, ESPN's treatment of this game has been the most shameless, irresponsible piece of journalism I've ever seen. There are FIVE BCS games this year, and to listen to ESPN, the Rose Bowl is the only one. John Saunders keeps saying it feels like a national title game, well of course it does...IT'S ALL ESPN AND ABC ARE TALKING ABOUT. I didn't even know the Oklahoma game was tonight until I saw a schedule on another website a day or two ago.

All that said, I'm not very excited about this matchup. Michigan almost always bores me to tears, as do most Big-10 teams. Michigan looked convincing in one game this year, against a wildly overrated Notre Dame team. They put up a fight against Ohio State, but it's a rivalry game, so throw it out. USC can't seem to get their shit straight. If both teams played to the apex of their talent, USC would walk away with this one. As it is, though, USC has been really really good in BCS games the past few years while Michigan, not so much.

Give me 70 on USC to cover
and I think the USC offense will show up, so give me 40 on the over

FIESTA BOWL

Boise State is in way way way way way over their heads here. I mean, waaaaaaaaaay over their heads. Oklahoma's front line outweighs Boise State by half a ton and Adrian Peterson is back for Oklahoma. Yes, I'm not wild about Peterson, and yes, he is coming back from a very prolonged absence, but he's not playing Ohio State in the title game. Ian Johnson for Boise State looks pretty good against WAC opponents, but Oklahoma makes him look dumb today. Oklahoma controls the clock and stuffs Boise State for a convincing win.

80 on Oklahoma to cover
60 on the UNDER

I've got more to say about what's been going on the past few days, but it'll have to wait for the wrap-up tomorrow.

Oh, and GLORY GLORY MARK FUCKING MAY. EAT A BIG HAIRY DICK.

2007-01-01T11:43:00.000-05:00

New Bowls for a Lame New Year - FJ

Running out of timeeeeee!

Auburn -2.5 vs. Nebraska
Over - 47
No Money Line.

I don't have to time to do research on this one.

40 on the Nebraska cover (sorry, favorites haven't been doin that well.)

Wisconsin vs. Arkansas -2
Over - 47

40 on Arkansas cover

Georgia Tech vs. West Virginia -10
Over - 48
Money Line
GT +325
WV -450

Sweet god look at that money line.
30 on the over
20 on the GT Cover

ROSE BOWL
Michigan -2.5 vs. USC
Over - 47

FIESTA BOWL
Boise State vs. Oklahoma -7
Over - 50
Money Line
Boise - +215
Oklahoma - -255

I'll bet on those two later.

2006-12-30T15:11:00.000-05:00

Alamo Bowl - FJ

It's gonna be a long day...sigh.

Spread is just too damn high, I'm puttin 40 on the Iowa Cover.

20 on the under.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl

I'm with the Virus

70 on the over.

I'm not feelin' too good about this weekend. Someone get me a drink and a couple quarter pounders.

2006-12-30T12:11:00.000-05:00

Car Care Bowl Picks - The Jeez

Kentucky puttin the screws to Baby Bowden's boys? The old ball coach's retarted 4th down call actually working? Minnesota joining Northwestern in the most embarassing blowing of a game in history? Oregon State's 2 point conversion in the waning seconds of the 4th to win by a point? This people, THIS is why this is truly the best sport in the history of mankind. Yeah that's right, soccer can eat my ass. I only have about an hour to make the first pick today so I'll keep the soapboxing to a minimum here. You know, if it wasn't for having to see Flutie's mongoloid paleolithic mug everytime I try to enjoy a football game then I wouldn't hold half the animosity for Boston College that I currently possess. I wish someone would beat that bastard to death with his own cereal box. Here's a trivia question for ya, anyone know the name of the receiver that came down with Flutie's miracle pass? Well I'm sure Virus does but that's not the point, it takes about as much talent to toss a ball way up in the air as it does to eat three hot dogs in a row, why don't they interview the kid that came down with the pass? I'm sure he's not as painful to listen to. With that being said, Navy doesn't stand a chance in this one. Like Virus I would like nothing more than to watch the Midshipmen thrash the Golden Eagles into submission for 4 straight quarters but the only thing the sailor squad has on its side is a run offense who's put up great numbers against a who's who of the WORST teams in the entire NCAA. And they're going to throw that locomotive against...dun dun dunnnnn the 13th best run defense in the entire country. Being one dimensional doesn't really work when your opponent has specialized in that dimension all season long. The Golden Eagles run away with this one.

60 on the BC cover

And since I'm on top and it just doesn't feel right, I'm gonna go ahead and blow it...
30 on the under

I'll do as usual and make my picks as the games get closer, I need a little time to do research (drink heavily and masterbate) and I'll be ready to go.

LET'S DO THIS!

2006-12-30T11:00:00.000-05:00

DECEMBER 30-31 GAMES, LINES, VIRUS PICKS

Sweet motherfucking Christ. Boys and girls, this is why gambling is bad for your health. I'm fucking bulletproof for over a week, can't fucking miss, only have a net loss on one game, and then comes Thursday. Even the games I was THINKING about betting on I would have gotten wrong. It takes about the same amount of talent to get them all wrong as to get them all right, so conventional wisdom goes, but there's a world of difference in the pain involved. Those games gave me the lube-free treatment without the courtesy of a reacharound or even a little spit. I laid off yesterday because I was travelling, but the games I was thinking about laying went the wrong way. I was ready to bet the house on Clemson, but the boys in blue pulled it out. I thought Purdue would take out Maryland, but they got embarrassed. Missouri put up a lot more of a fight than I thought they could muster against a red-hot Oregon State team, and I gave up on Texas Tech and went to bed. When you're hot, you see those things clearly and you know what games to give up on. I texted the Jeezy with about 6 minutes left in the FSU game because I KNEW it was over and in the bag. If this were real money, I'd take my winnings and go home. My luck is spent and it's only going down from here. The sound a game winning field goal makes against a team that's a 2.5 point underdog is the same sound money makes when it's being set on fire. Fuck you Oklahoma State.

So here's the games, lines, and picks from me for the next two days. You're probably better off betting on every team I didn't pick.

MEINEKE CAR CARE BOWL
Saturday, December 30, 1 PM
Navy vs Boston College (-7.5)
Over/Under 48
Money Lines:
Boston College -300
Navy +250

I'm never big on Boston College, and no matter what side I put the money on, it goes the other way. I really want to take Navy in this one, and that money line is very appetizing, but I can't do it. Navy's offense is really good, but it's a gimmick offense, and I don't trust those against talented defenses. BC has an interim coach for this game, but that really hasn't seemed to matter much so far in the bowl season. BC also has won 6 straight bowl games, which, of course, means nothing in the high-turnover world of college football. All of those are gimmick stats people throw out which are ultimately meaningless for picks. The more important stuff:

Navy is #1 in rushing offense, but only 119th in passing.
BC is 26th in passing offense, but only 86th rushing.
Both teams are in the top 50 in ypg and points scored with Navy getting the edge in each category. Navy lost to Tulsa, Rutgers and Notre Dame and the only D1 team they beat with a winning record was Air Force. BC lost to NC State, ACC champ Wake Forest and Miami, but beat a host of talented teams in MAC champ Central Michigan, BYU, Clemson, Virginia Tech, Florida State, and Maryland, all teams who are in bowl games. BC is able to stop the triple option enough and will throw all over the Navy defense today. The simulations have this game right at the over/under number (29-19 BC win), and BC has cracked this number about half the times they play. Not enough for me to throw money down.

50 on BC to cover

ALAMO BOWL
Saturday, December 30, 4:30 PM
Iowa vs Texas (-9.5)
Over/under 54
Money Lines:
Iowa +300
Texas -400

I had to look twice at this matchup. This is probably the most lopsided matchup of the whole bowl season. Texas was a Colt McCoy injury away from competing for a national title, while Iowa was perhaps the most disappointing team in the country this year. Needing a huge goal-line stand against Syracuse has been the highpoint of their season, which should say all that needs to be said about their year. But let's be fair about Texas: they got wiped out against Ohio State, struggled past Oklahoma, Texas Tech, and Nebraska, gave up 45 points to Kansas State in a loss, and looked positively awful against Texas A&M. They've lost their last 2 in completely poor fashion and went from a national title contender to not even playing on New Year's Day. Their opponent, however, is a lowly 6-6, and averages a full 13 points less per game. Iowa has lost to the likes of Indiana, Northwestern, and Minnesota, didn't put up a fight against Ohio State or Michigan, and played a vastly overrated Wisconsin team close. Point being, while Texas has struggled, Iowa has been downright awful and is way out of their league here.

100 on Texas to cover
4o on the OVER

PEACH BOWL
I refuse to call this bowl by any other name. Fuck you Chick-fil-A.
Saturday, December 30, 8 pm
Georgia vs Virginia Tech (-3)
Over/Under 38
No money line.

This game has the best defensive matchup of any bowl game this season. Both teams have top-10 defenses, and both have terrible offenses (Virginia Tech is 95th in ypg and 49th in ppg while UGA is 87th and 57th respectively). Virginia tech has only allowed 29 points in their last 6 games COMBINED (all victories), with two shutouts and two wins over Clemson and Wake Forest in that span. They played two awful games back-to-back against Georgia Tech and BC early in the year. Georgia's travails have been well-documented here. I make it a point never to bet on Georgia games, but that over/under is too tempting. Remember what happened in the last "defensive struggle" between FSU and UCLA? Me too.

50 on the OVER

MPC COMPUTERS BOWL
Sunday, December 31, 7:30 PM
Nevada vs Miami (-4)
Over/under 42

It's Larry Coker's last hurrah at Miami, and who really gives a fuck. The big question here is just whether Miami can pull a Florida State and get enough of their swagger back to run away with this game, or if they play like the bunch of pouty fucking losers they are. It would definitely be in Miami's best interest to just give Randy Shannon the reins here and try to light a fire under this club because nobody wants to play for Larry Coker anymore. Miami has more talent by a landslide in this contest, but they've lost 4 out of their last 5, though 3 were to ranked teams. Nevada has everything to play for here, and I think they can muster enough offense to at least cover this, if not win outright.

50 on Nevada to cover
The jury's out on the over/under. I may make a bet on this tomorrow.

2006-12-29T11:07:00.000-05:00

Bowl Wrap Ups - Football Jeezy

Unbelievable. The only pick I pulled out of my ass and I felt horrible about it up until the 2nd quarter of the game itself. Cal grabbed Texas A&M by the short stack and made them their personal fuck-bags for three straight hours. Just as I figured there was NO way I was gonna cover the over, and I was actually ROOTING for A&M to drive it down the field and score, Cal gets the turnover and turns it into the nail in the coffin over 53 score of scores. Now yes I'm gloating just a bit but you have to understand that I haven't made a right pick in weeks folks, especially one that strayed from the Virus'. Anyway, here are the grand totals after last night's action. Also, I need you to post the site you get all your over/under, money line information shit Virus because I wanted to post the two SEC match-ups going on today but I couldn't find anything but the spreads so I decided against it. Anyway, here we go

JEEZY

Fla St. / UCLA

Florida St. Cover - WIN 60

Under - LOSE 40

Alabama/Ok. St.

NO BET

Cal/Texas A&M

Cal Cover - WIN 60

Over - WIN 30

TOTAL - +110
NEW TOTAL - 1,399

VIRUS

Florida St. / UCLA

Florida St. Cover - WIN 60

Alabama/Ok. St.

Alabama Cover - LOSE 50

Under - LOSE 30

Cal/Texas A&M

A&M Cover - LOSE 80

A&M Money Line - LOSE 70

TOTAL - -170
NEW TOTAL - 1,342

Now I'm not gonna talk trash because chances are I did the math wrong here, it's not exactly my strong suit, but it does appear to be the FIRST time EVER! That I'm ahead of the Virus in points...ok so it's only like 50 points but give me a break it's been 3 months of dissapointment, let me enjoy this wonderous calm before the storm....Ahhhhhh....What this REALLY means though is that we're neck and neck in this one and it's anyone's game. So stay tuned, cuz this thing is about to get stickier than Mark Foley's keyboard. And before you ask, NO I WILL NOT STOP MAKING MARK FOLEY JOKES. See you soon.

2006-12-29T11:06:00.000-05:00

Extra Bowl Info - The Virus

also, here's some money lines for games today:

Kansas St. +250
Rutgers -300

Texas A&M +140
California -160

No money line yet on Alabama/Ok St...

I'm going to lay 70 on the A&M money line...I'm leaning hard on taking KSt for the upset, but can't make myself pull the trigger...game's at 8pm, so I'll either put a pick on the blog or text you a pick if I'm away from a computer

2006-12-28T17:21:00.001-05:00

Some Random Bowl Picks - Football Jeezy

Damn you bourbon. Damn your hide. I completely missed the Alabama/Ok St. game picks because i'm a slacker but hopefully I can toss my cal/Texas A&M pick in here before I miss that one too. I'd like to ask as a favor if at all possible that all bowl games from here on out will be marked with date and time because I'm not too good at this whole planning ahead thing. Anyway, I'm hurtin here on one of the biggest downturns of my life which couldn't have come at a worse time because Virus is on an ungodly hot streak. Now I know Cal is a little one dimensional but that one dimension is pretty damn good when it gets rollin'. Especially against an A&M secondary that struggles against pass offenses. Honestly this is a pretty even match-up so it's anyone's guess.

Now if you asked me honestly, I'd tell you that I thought Cal would win this one but not by that many points, but as it stands now, I'm falling way behind and really just don't care anymore. With that being said, I'm just gonna live dangerously and throw 60 to the Cal cover.

And because I'm a little gunshy here, I'm going to drop a measily 30 on the over.

Just as a sidenote, was Joe Kines throatfucked with a roman candle or something? Lord, someone get that bastard a Ricola.

2006-12-27T16:43:00.000-05:00

Howdy do Ladies. Since the time is steadily approaching for what will most likely be the most laughable offensive game of football in recent history, I figure I might as well make my picks. First off, both of these teams are TERRIBLE and everyone including their own fans has had no qualms pointing it out to them at ever possible moment. Neither of these teams could find the endzone if it were made completely of Adidas and Nike endorsement contracts. If I were Weatherford right now, I'd just bench it for a couple snaps and let one of the cheerleaders take a whack at it. She probably has a better arm. With that being said, both of these teams come in with what looks to be pretty dominant defenses. Besides a sale on silk shirts and cruicifix air-fresheners, the Seminole defense has been about the only thing bringing any sort of joy to the Bowden faithful this season. But UCLA is no pushover either, they might have started off sloppy but in the end the D shaped up and managed to hold the offenses of Arizona St., Oregon St., and USC to 28 points...COMBINED. Not too shabby. In the end though, Daddy Bowden is master when it comes to the bowl games, and now that he doesn't have his glue-sniffin' son calling plays, I think they pull out all the stops and get off to an early lead in this one forcing the Bruins to attempt and ultimately fail at an offense. So like the Virus, I'm throwin' my pick to the Seminoles in this match-up.

60 on the Seminoles to cover

And since both of these teams are defense heavy and couldn't cover the spread if you combined their scores on their best day, I'm going to go on the under here.

40 on the Under

Keep your head up slugger. The games only get better from here. Shit...

2006-12-26T22:42:00.000-05:00

MOTOR CITY BOWL WRAP-UP

I'm telling you people, I'm getting a little freaked out here. I am a career loser in gambling circles. I've gone through $500 in three weekends. Before starting this blog, I've profited from exactly 3 bets that I've laid.

I'm on FUCKING FIRE right now.

Central Michigan played their quick strike offense to perfection and held the Middle Tennessee defense in check all day long. An INT for a TD by the CMU defense and a field goal cemented the cover, but it was the goal-line interception with 30 seconds left that preserved the under on the game. Winners all around here, but the Jeezy didn't follow with my freewheelin money on this game.

PAYOUTS

JEEZY
I'm assuming the Centralites of whateverthefuck are Central Michigan - WIN (+70)
UNDER 51.5 - WIN (+50)
TOTAL +120
New total of 1,289

VIRUS
Central Michigan to cover - WIN (+100)
UNDER 51.5 - WIN (+60)
+160 on the game
New Total of 1,512

This is normally where I'd cash out and run the hell away from the bookie, but that's not very sporting here. The crash is coming, folks. Stay to watch the fireworks.

2006-12-26T17:30:00.000-05:00

Motor City Bowl Picks - Football Jaheezy

Well the Virus caught on to my attempts to take an unfair advantage in this one. Not that it would have been that much of an advantage. Cut me some slack, I'm dyin here. Anyway, I'm not ready to slap credits down for the FSU/UCLA match-up just yet, but I am willing to drop a dime or two on the bowl we got brewin' right now. The Money Line is way too rich for my blood and the Under has been good to me thus far so I think I'm going to have to mimic the win-master-general here and throw my pick to the Central Michigan...Chippewas is it? God who cares. here we go.

I'm droppin' a cool 70 on the Michiganites of Centralonia to cover their spread

and I'm droppin a big fat 50 on the Under.

Now I'm well aware that I don't stand a chance betting below the almight Virus here but at the moment, I'm unable to muster the motivation to even research any of these bare-bleacher bowls so trust me, the big chips will be droppin' soon. I'll have my Emerald Bowl (Did you know that Baghdad is called the Emerald City? I get drunk and watch Fox News...fuck off...it's way better than extreme sports.) tommorrow. Love and Kisses!

2006-12-26T11:29:00.000-05:00

DECEMBER 26 & 27 GAMES, LINES AND VIRUS PICKS

Motor City Bowl:
Middle Tennessee vs Central Michigan (-9.5)

Over/Under 51.5

Money Line
Middle Tennessee +270
Central Michigan -340

The battle of the state-centers here in this underwhelming matchup. Central Michigan is on a tear right now, winning 7 of 8, all by double digits. This spread is still in single digits, and Middlee Tennessee has lost their last two. Add to that fact that this game is in Michigan (Detroit), and you've got a recipe for a rout.

100 on Central Michigan to cover
60 on the UNDER

EMERALD BOWL
Florida State vs UCLA (-4.5)
Over/Under 40.5

Florida State is lucky to even be in a bowl game this year and UCLA probably saved themselves a bid by knocking off USC late in the season. UCLA can't play defense, but it doesn't matter because Florida State can't score. Florida State has a pretty good defense, but UCLA is even worse on offense than FSU, if you can believe that. As much as I hate the Seminoles, 4.5 just seems like too much to give UCLA. This should be a low scoring game, but I can't convince myself to bite on either side of that Over/Under.

60 on FSU to cover

IDEPENDENCE BOWL
Oklahome State (-2.5) vs Alabama
Over/Under 51

Another pair of lopsided teams here whose strengths play into the other team's strengths. Alabama is lousy on offense, but OkSt is possibly even worse on defense. Oklahoma State has a powerful offense, boasting the 8th rushing attack in the country and 16th best offense overall, but Alabama is an SEC team, and if there's one thing they do in the SEC, it's play crushing defense. I say, when in doubt, go with the defensive team.

50 on Alabama to cover
30 on the UNDER

Holiday Bowl
California (-5) vs Texas A&M
Over/Under 53

Texas A&M has had a very quiet 9 win season, while Cal's 9 win season can best be classified as a disappointment. Cal has speed all over the field, but has proven in several games this year that a team full of tracks stars doesn't necessarily guarantee a victory. The best way to put it is that Cal is soft, and when they face a hard-hitting defense, they wither. Tennessee put the screws to them, as did USC and, surprisingly, Arizona . Texas A&M is surprisingly in the top 30 offensively in total yards and points scored and has the 7th ranked rush offense in the nation. Texas A&M looks extremely underrated in this game, and were very convincing in their win against Texas.

80 on Texas A&M to cover
I'll probably lay some on the money line when it surfaces

TEXAS BOWL
Rutgers (-7.5) vs Kansas State
Over/Under 45

To the 4 of you who get to watch this game, congratulations. It's absurd that a 10-2 team is relegated to a December 28 game against a lousy Big-12 opponent on a network that nobody in the country has in their cable package. The bad news for Kansas State is that there's approximatley a 0% chance that Greg Schiano lets the situation get to his team. Schiano staying at Rutgers over the Miami job should inspire the players to some degree, and Rutgers comes ready to play almost every week. It looks like a long day for KSt.

I'll abstain from a pick here until closer to game time. That's a big spread.

2006-12-25T19:38:00.000-05:00

Hawaii Bowl Wrap - up...

How do you go from 13 points total at half to coming 5 points away from covering a 70 point over? I was sweatin' there at the end. Luckily everything worked out well for the Jeezy here.

New Totals

Jeez - 1,169
Virus - 1,282
Ralphvirus Edit: Apparently the Jeezy didn't notice that I put 70 on the Hawaii cover. I mentioned it twice (see the post I emailed and the post wrapping up the Dec. 23 games). My new total is 1,352.

It's gettin sillier by the second. Merry Christmas. Die.

2006-12-24T18:25:00.000-05:00

Hawaii Bowl Picks - Football Jesus

Merry Christmas fellow worthless bastards out there. I don't know about you but nothing says noel and feliz navidad to me like watching a shirtless man wave around a spear in full hawaii'an warrior get up. Man I'm giddy just thinking about it. Now I'd like to tell you guys the wrap up after last nights matches but honestly, I suck at math and I aint pickin it up for my new year's resolution either so you'll just have to wait till the wiz-kid Virus gets back to see concretely what we already know, I suck at betting, and Rob apparently has a crystal ball...or crystal meth...something. Anyway. I got nothing to lose here and oh so much to gain. So on the eve of baby Jesus' birthday, it's only fitting that I do a little good ol-fashioned desperation gambling.

I want 60 on the Hawaii cover

and I wants me 80 on the under

God Help us....every one.

2006-12-24T11:20:00.000-05:00

DECEMBER 23 RESULTS

Well, blogger is finally working for me, and since FJ is mathematically retarded, here are the results from yesterday's games.

Papajohns.com Bowl
Didn't watch this since I was several thousand feet above the earth, but can't say I was too surprised by South Florida's convincing win. I thought the score would be a little higher than it was, but I wasn't anticipating a shutout 2nd half. Oh well.

Jeezy bets:
30 on South Florida to cover - WIN (+30)
30 on the OVER - LOSE (-30)
0 on the game, new total of 1,042

Virus:
50 on South Florida to cover - WIN (+50)
40 on the OVER - LOSE (-40)
+10 on the game for new total of 1,230

New Mexico Bowl
Also didn't watch this, but also am not surprised at the outcome. I thought New Mexico might be a bit more inspired than they were playing on their home turf, but I was a little surprised that San Jose State weren't getting more respect than they were. The money line was too enticing here for both of us, and we both profited.

Jeezy
60 on SJSt. Money Line - WIN (+87)
+87 on the game for new total of 1,129

Virus
50 on San Jose State Money Line - WIN (+72.5, round down to 72)
+72 on the game for new total of 1,302

New Mexico Bowl
And the Jeezy's luck finally caught up to him here. I should have been scared off by Tulsa's record in their last 4 games, but my hatred of Utah blinded me. It's probably no coincidence that I'm +300 in games where I don't care about either team and -20 when I have a prejudice. That spells bad news in the games to come.

Jeezy
50 on Tulsa to cover - LOSE (-50)
50 on the OVER - LOSE (-50)
-100 on the game for new total of 1,029

Virus
50 on Tulsa to cover - LOSE (-50)
30 on the UNDER - WIN (+30)
-20 on the game for new total of 1,282

HOT OFF THE PRESS

Money line for Hawaii vs Arizona State
Hawaii -280
Arizona State +240

I don't like either of those and I'm still spooked by that Over/Under, so I'm going to sit on my 70 for Hawaii to cover bet. It does make me nervous to see a WAC team that heavily favored against a Pac-10 team, but I don't know how Arizona State is going to stop Colt Brennan.

2006-12-23T14:24:00.000-05:00

Bowl Picks - Ralph Virus

(I just received this email from Virus who can't make these picks himself because he's travelling at the moment and his computer won't connect with blogger so I'm going to post it exactly as I gets it.)

Hey, I can't connect to blogger so I can't post my picks and I'm about to head to the airport. I'm sending them to you so you can either post them or at least know that I made them before the games started. I think it has something to do with blogger being switched over to google. I moved my account, but I can't move the blog because you're the founder of it. Can you switch it over?

Anyway, you were +10 on the New Orleans bowl (+30 on the over, -20 on Rice to cover) if you want to chalk yourself.

Papajohns.com bowl
I want 50 on South Florida to cover
40 on the OVER
Comments: South Florida had a winning record in a very tough conference this year and mostly flew under the radar. Even in their losses, they were still competitve. Stack that up against an overmatched ECU team that did not exactly excel in a weak CUSA, and is also coached by Lou Holtz's son, Skip, and I think South Florida runs away with this one.

New Mexico Bowl
50 on San Jose State money line (+145)
Comments: New Mexico gets this game at home, but I'm not sold. This team lost to Portland State (not a D-1A school) and only has 2 victories on the year of 10 points or more (they were also the only 2 games of the season where New Mexico would have covered this spread, since all 4 of their other wins were by 3 points or less). They're very unimpressive on both sides of the ball. San Jose State played Boise State very close and were only really blown out by Hawaii in Honululu. I'm not sure what New Mexico is playing for here, but San Jose State doesn't want to end this remarkable turaround season (they were 2-9 last year) on a sour note, so I think they come out and pull off the upset.

Armed Forces Bowl
No money line posted for this game, I don't think it matters.
50 on Tulsa to cover
30 on the UNDER
Comments: Utah is riding a hot bowl streak coming into this game, but stats like that are meaningless in college football. Utah lost a heartbreaker to BYU recently while Tulsa was blown out earlier, but BYU vs Utah is a rivalry game, so comparing performance across teams there can be misleading. Overall, I like Tulsa's QB play a little more than Utah's, and I think their offense is a little more consistent and even. Utah's defense can be stingy, and Tulsa has lost 3 of their last 4 (after starting 7-1) but I can't go for another Mormon school in the bowl season, especially one that used to employ Urban Meyer. I like Tulsa for the upset here.

Hawaii Bowl
In case I can't get to a computer before Sunday night, I'll make this pick now.
70 on Hawaii to cover
Comments: Hawaii just lost a game to another Pac-10 opponent in Oregon State, but Arizona State isn't playing nearly as well as the Beavers right now. On top of that, Az St. just fired their head coach, and they have to make the trip to Hawaii on Christmas Eve to play this game. The Hawaii offense is just sickeningly effective and Colt Brennan puts up video game numbers in June Jones's offense. If the over/under were just a bit lower I'd be tempted to put a full 100 on the over, but I'm too ambivalent about the number as it is. I don't see how Arizona State has the firepower to keep up in this game, especially since everybody knows that Pac-10 teams don't play defense anyway. This game may be entertaining for a little while, but I think Hawaii runs away with it late.

2006-12-23T13:46:00.000-05:00

New Orleans Bowl Wrap ups and other Random predictions - Football Jeezy

You know, next time I'm in the mood to watch an interesting match-up around this time of year I'm just going to go to Wal-Mart and throw a Playstation 3 into a crowd of soccer moms. Man, even 5 bourbon and cokes couldn't make this game half as hypnotic as the bowl of pretzels in front of me and (after 4 drinks mind you) the sparsely toothed, wrangler-clad vixen next to me. I think she was a woman. Regardless, it wanted me. Point being, this is getting to be ridiculous. If this is the type of bowl season we have to look forward to will someone PLEASE send me some Tivo-ed High School Football championship games or something. Jesus, I'd rather watch two kids with down syndrome play Madden 2002 then these low-grade blowouts. Anyway, this is how the credits landed.

Over - 30 won
Rice Cover - 20 lost

Papa Johns.com Bowl - South Florida vs. East Carolina...shudder.
ummmm fuck it,
30 on S. Florida to cover
30 on the over

New Mexico Bowl - pitting, you guessed it, the New Mexico Lobos against the Spartans of San Jose State. God I'm going to have to start drinking in the middle of the day again I guess...sigh...

You know San Jose actually has a decent run attack and their four losses were to some pretty decent programs...I mean decent considering it's San Diego State of course. I don't think they're as much of a pushover as everyone thinks so I'm gonne throw my first bone to the underdog here...60 credits to the San Jose State Money Line

Bell Hellicopters Armed Forces Bowl...Tulsa vs. Utah. I have been stuck in my parents house in what Carl Sagan might refer to as an Anti-Time Vortex, which in layman's terms means, an area where there has been no sort of major social progression since around 1942. I am so desperate to add any sort of excitement to my day that I'm going to just get nutty, and throw my lot with the underdog yet again. I can't blame it completely on the ultra-conservative ewok village that is Lincolnton, I honestly think that Tulsa is a better team than Utah with the exception of one thing, turnovers. If Tulsa can keep their hands on the ball I think they have a great shot at pulling the upset in this match-up. The 6th ranked Pass Defense in the country? the 32nd run and 30th pass offense in the NCAA? the 16th best total defense in the country? Tulsa?! Believe it, slugger.

50 on the Tulsa upset
50 on the Over

And since I have quite a while until the Hawaii bowl we'll so how far into the toilet I get myself with the above picks before I decide on whether to blow more credits on yet another...you get the point...Back in a bit

2006-12-22T18:12:00.000-05:00

New Orleans Bowl picks - Football Jeezy

Hot damn, after two of the worst match-ups of this century, how do the football gods repay us? With the Trojans of Troy battling the Owls of Rice, that's how. And people say God doesn't have a sense of humor. Well a part of me wants to let this one slide because...well honestly who in their right mind gives a sweet shit. I mean the only people watching this one are going to be people trying to shut out the incessant chatter of holiday relatives for three hours which is...well probably everyone at this point but it doesn't mean anyone cares. And as a sidenote, if Bono and Green Day show up at this event I'm going to murder an entire flock of baby sheep with a Louisville slugger, 2001 A Space Oddysey-ape style. The point here is that I can't let this one slide because honestly, I have a gambling problem. There I admitted it. I forgot what step 2 was but I should get my damn coin now Bill Wilson. Plus, I'm ahead at the moment and it just aint REAL gamblin' if you're ahead so HERE WE GO.

30 on the over

20 on the Rice cover

who cares...

2006-12-22T09:49:00.000-05:00

LAS VEGAS BOWL WRAP UP

The Jeezy gets himself onto the positive side of the ledger with his 2-2 performance last night and the Virus just keeps on winning. Why couldn't I do this when I had real money on the line?

A few notes on the game:

1) Oregon needs to give up on this uniform trend. When I saw last night's uniforms, I swear I vomited a meal I ate when I was 7 years old, that's how distressingly ugly they were. I mean, they were hi-liter green WITH FLAMES ON THE HELMET. They looked like a color-blind redneck's hot-rodded truck.

2) The booth announcers have just gone too far. Craig James looked like a homosexual grape and I was 30 seconds away from shoving a wine bottle up my ass with an M-80 in it after watching Bob Davie present Brent Musberger with his "action figure" from Rocky II. How the hell can you even have an ACTION figure for an announcer?

3) This was going to go in the previous section, but it deserved it's own number. Ryan Fucking Leaf, ladies and gentlemen. This guy is biggest bust in the history of the NFL draft, is a total headcase, is a talentless hack, did not attend either school in the contest, AND IS DOWN ON THE SIDELINES IN A BLACK COWBOY HAT, A BELT BUCKLE BIGGER THAN MY FACE AND SOME NU-ALTERNATIVE WILLIE NELSON SHIRT. Despite all this, ESPN invites him into the booth I suppose to gain some of his massive insight into what it's like to be the biggest laughingstock in the history of the NFL. I was shocked when I found out someone related to Ryan Leaf was actually recruited by a major program. I guess pedigree doesn't exactly mean what it used to.

4) Oregon is really bad and BYU was really good. The Mt. West has put on a clinic the last two days, and it really shouldn't be a surprise. There's almost always 1-2 teams from that conference that sneak into the Top 25 by the end of the year. Before the Big East swallowed up all its talent, Conference USA was poised to be the conference on the rise. I'm throwing my support to the Mt. West. The top 3 teams in the Mt. West would probably finish in the top 5 or 6 in the Pac-10. I'm serious.

PAYOUTS

Jeezy
20 on BYU to cover - WIN
30 on the under - WIN
+50 on the game for a new total of 1,032

Virus
50 on BYU to cover - WIN
+50 on the game for a new total of 1,220

2006-12-21T13:15:00.000-05:00

BOWLS AND LINES THROUGH THE WEEKEND

I'm going to go ahead and post the lines for each game through Christmas. Picks aren't due all in bunches, but if you're betting on a game, obviously the post should be registered before the time of kickoff.

Money Lines aren't out yet. I'll update as they become available (watch this post).

NEW ORLEANS BOWL http://www.neworleansbowl.com

Man, this bowl has a crappy logo, a crappy website, and a crappy match-up. Yeesh.

Rice (-4.5) vs Troy

Over/Under
52.5

EDIT (12/22 10:00 am)
Money Line
Troy +170
Rice -200

PAPAJOHNS.COM BOWL http://www.papajohnsbowl.com

South Florida (-4.5) vs East Carolina

Over/Under
43.5

EDIT:
Money Line
East Carolina +170
South Florida -200

NEW MEXICO BOWL http://www.newmexicobowl.com/

New Mexico (-3.5) vs San Jose State

Over/Under
49

EDIT:
Money Line
San Jose State +145
New Mexico -165
BELL HELICOPTER ARMED FORCES BOWL http://www.armedforcesbowl.com/

Tulsa vs Utah (-1.5)

Over/Under
50

SHERATON HAWAII BOWL http://www.sheratonhawaiibowl.com

Arizona St. vs Hawaii (-7)

Over/Under
74

2006-12-21T13:13:00.000-05:00

LAS VEGAS BOWL

Wow. I'm not going to even try to top Jeezy's post.

50 on BYU to cover. That's it and that's all.

2006-12-20T19:51:00.000-05:00

Football Jesus - Las Vegas Bowl Picks

Good sweet lord, to tell you the truth I ended up drinking an entire handle of Southern Comfort with a couple of guys I've never met before and managed to catch the repeat of the game at 4 in the morning, so a part of me really wanted to believe that the "game" was merely an alcohol induced hallucination, much like the 20 breasted unicorn that pranced happily around the television for the entire 3 hour ordeal. That match-up was like watching Takeru Kobayashi and Karen Carpenter in a bacon eating contest. So anyway, as you can imagine I'm nursing one of the most disgusting hang-overs in the recent history of mankind and there's a distinct possibility that I might die at any point in this blog-entry, so with that being said, I'm going to try to get this over with as soon as possible so that I can drill a hole in my brain to release these evil bourbon demons.

BYU-Oregon...You know what, for the last three weeks i've been doing all this ridiculous research and figuring out stats and predictions and trying to make educated decisions and so far it hasn't helped me in the LEAST, so I'm just going to wing this one since I'd rather google pictures of Tom Arnold's balls then figure out the intricacies of the Mormon offense. Here's what I do know...

1. Oregon is on a big losing streak right now and has a quarterback who's interview skills remind me of those retarted kids that try to sell magazines door to door.

2. BYU plays in a pitiful conference where they can boast of playing such phenomenal powerhouses as Wyoming, Air Force, and Carl's Massagetherapy Institute and Tire Center.

3. Mormons are just fucking bat shit crazy. Period. If i have to see another one of those brainfuck Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints commercials I swear to Tony Danza i'm going to shave my balls with a butter knife, dig up Joseph Smith Jr.'s corpse and give him a gorilla mask for the ages. That goes for that door to door black tie wearing mormon child army as well. I swear to all non-mormon deities that I will find every one of you and hit you with my open car door at speed. Then I'll steal your bikes and donate them to scientologists who will need them on their ET-esque voyage to the mothership. Don't fuck with me right now. I hurt.

So anyway...here's the dealio

I'm putting 20 on the BYU cover

I'm putting 30 on the under

and i'm not even gonna fuck with the money line because I just honestly don't know enough about these teams. So there. Maybe if we're lucky this game will distract those maniacal religious nutjobs long enough to not have a small forest's worth of brochures and pamplets shoved in my face when I'm trying to jerk off to scrambled porn. Is that too much to ask?! Die.

2006-12-20T12:53:00.000-05:00

POINSETTIA BOWL PAYOUTS AND LAS VEGAS BOWL LINES

Watching this game got kind of creepy after awhile. Garrett Wolfe got stuffed, like I thought, and TCU was all over the NIU QB all night long, like I thought, and the NIU offense got a whole lot of nothing all night long. If it weren't for TCU's special teams fuck-ups, NIU would have easily been shut out and wouldn't have even gotten some of the chances they got. I actually don't know what was more painful: Rocket Ismail gushing about the Holiday bowl and the matchup he imagined between California and Texas while the Texas A&M logo was prominently featured on the screen (I honestly thought at first he was just saying Texas as a short hand until he started talking about the Texas QB who just announced his transfer to Ole Miss which cemented the fact that, yes, he's being paid tons of money to have no fucking clue what's going on) or watching Garrett Wolfe's draft stock plummet right in front of my eyes.

Speaking of announcers having no fucking clue, how hard would it be for ESPN to hire somebody who knew something about football in general? The festivities started early with Lou Holtz complaining about a "clipping" call on the first kickoff of the game. First thing, the block was clearly on the player's side and not in the back. Second thing, "block in the back" and "clipping" are not synonymous. Even if the block was square in the back, it still wasn't clipping. Lou Holtz has coached for 900 years and is being paid to know something about college football and not only can't recognize a legal block, but doesn't even know the proper term for the penalty he wanted called.

The whole night was painful to listen to, but I'd be remiss if I didn't point out exhibit 8,593,908 for Mark May's colossal stupidity. He was actually complaining that the referees were conferencing to make sure they got the play right. Why? Because he didn't like that they were disrupting the flow of the game. Mind you, Mark May has been one of the biggest smug bastards about how uniformly great instant replay is because it allows the refs to get the call right, even though instant replay has done more to disrupt the "flow" of a regular football game than any other introduction in the history of the game. It disrupts the "flow" so much that there are fewer plays being run on average in a given game because of clock changes that were necessary to institute replay. But God Help Us All if the refs conference for 30 seconds to make sure everybody saw the same thing.

I'm awfully bitter for someone who hit both of his bets, but the state of announcing, commentary and studio analysis has reached an absurd point. Lou Holtz is too damn stupid and old to ever have anything insightful to say, Mark May is dead wrong about almost everything he says and probably offers hand jobs to each offensive lineman before every game (he was an offensive lineman, remember? HOW THE FUCK COULD WE EVER FORGET), Rocket Ismail can barely read, is always biased, and is only halfway informed about the shit he pontificates about (I'd be careful about stepping into College Station anytime soon after the gaffe last night), Todd Blackledge couldn't be any farther up Urban Meyers ass if his name was Tim Tebow or Chris Leak, Doug Flutie is the least funny human being on the planet (he's not even funny for a Canadian, which is saying somethign) and if I get started on the 950 ways I hate Craig James, we'll be here until Vanderbilt wins a national title. Craig James is just a slightly less stupid version of Terry Bowden, and I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

PAYOUTS:

Virus -
70 on TCU to cover - WIN
100 on the under - WIN
+170 on the game for a new total of 1,170

Jeezy
30 on TCU to cover - WIN
80 on the over - LOSE
80 on TCU money line - WIN (+32)
-18 on the game for a new total of 982

NEXT GAME - LAS VEGAS BOWL

BYU (-3) vs Oregon

Over/Under
61

Money Lines
BYU -155
Oregon +135

Image courtesy of http://www.lvbowl.com

2006-12-19T13:56:00.000-05:00

POINSETTIA BOWL PREDICTIONS

QUICK NOTE ABOUT THE SYSTEM: Since we're not a casino, there's no juice. For the gambling impaired, at a casino or sports book (or anywhere where they want to rape you) if you wanted to win $100 on a spread bet or an over/under bet, you have to lay $110 to win $100. That just complicates shit when you're doing it for fun, so all bets on over/unders and spreads are to win like amount (bet $100 to win $100) and the money lines are proportional (e.g. this week Jeezy laid $80 on the -250 ML which means if TCU wins outright, he gets his $80 back plus $32. If he laid $80 on NIU, he would get $80 plus $152. Money lines pay big when the big underdog wins). If you have any other questions go grow a pair and then come back. It should make sense with a functional pair of testicles.

I'm also toying with the idea of throwing away the limits on the BCS games or just the Championship game so we can go out with a bang. We'll see.

ANALYSIS: At the beginning of the season, everybody thought TCU was going to be the BCS buster this year. It didn't quite pan out for them as BYU slapped them down early on their way to a 10-2 season and a Mt. West championship and then Utah caught them right afterwards when they still didn't have their heads straight from having their perfect season ruined. It's not really that TCU wasn't quite as good as everybody thought (though they didn't really get a chance to prove it), it's more that BYU was better than everybody thought.

Garrett Wolfe became a Heisman candidate and was eliminated as a candidate the same week: at Western Michigan he got 25 yards on 18 carries and wouldn't break the century mark for 5 more weeks. Looking at this dude's stats makes me wonder if he has an identical twin who sucks at running back who played for him during a 5 game stretch. This dude got 171 yards AT Ohio State (along with 114 receiving yards!), averaging over 6 yards a carry (22.8 per reception) and has averaged over 10 yards a carry in two games (as well as averaging 9.0 and 8.2 in two other games). He has a rang of 25 - 66 on the low end and 162 - 353 on the high end, but nothing between 66 or 162. 3 of their 5 losses were during his slump with the other two coming to Ohio State and Ohio, the eventual MAC runner-up. On the plus side, his last two games have been a return to form with efforts of 203 against MAC champ Central Michigan and 164 against MAC doormat Eastern Michigan.

So the matchup looks like this: you've got a guy who either can go crazy at any time and rush for 353 yards or a guy who runs like a fat girl after a bran muffin on one side of the ball and a defense rated #3 against the run by CNNSI.com that averages 67.6 ypg given up. NIU recently lost their starting QB and is atrocious on defense. The TCU offense isn't spectacular, but it doesn't have to be.

PREDICTION: Garrett Wolfe is all or nothing and TCU gives him nothing early and is all over the QB for the rest of the game as NIU struggles to get anything going on offense. TCU's offense has little trouble against NIU defense, but since they aren't that spectacular themselves, it isn't a full on blowout. A 17 point margin feels about right.

WAGERS:
75 on TCU to cover (EDIT: I'm retarded and broke my own rule about 10 unit increments. It's halftime, so the punishment is: if I win the bet, I round down to 70 units. If I lose, I round up to 80 units.)
100 on the UNDER
0 on the money line

2006-12-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Holy Sisterhood of the Travelling pants...I'm not going to lie to you, I'm not too familiar with this betting system but I wasn't that familiar with craps when I lost 50 bucks in 5 minutes either...weep...anyway...It's bowl season. Time to revisit all those teams you didn't get a chance to watch because your girlfriend wouldn't shut the fuck up about not spending enough time with her and so you spent your Thursdays (or as they call them on ESPN, "desperation-football nights") at Olive Garden wondering if coughin' up 7 bucks on a glass of cheap wine will get you a handjob or not. That or you were too busy watching re-runs of Everybody Loves Raymond and wondering whether you'd look cool with one of those ridiculous Mr. T mohawks everyone in the NFL is rockin right now.

ANYWHO, if you've followed either of these teams you either have an amazing knack for stealing cable packages or you actually attend these places of study because I know JACK SHIT about Northern Illinois and even less about the horned frogs of Texas Christian. Besides they're goofy team-name of course. Soooooo after doing a little researchhhhhh this looks kinda like a no brainer...observe

Total Offense
TCU - 17th 404.50 ypg NIU - 24th 388,5 ypg
Total Defense
TCU - 4th 249.50 ypg NIU - 80th 357.08 ypg
Scoring Offense
TCU - 33rd 28.58 ppg NIU - 42nd 27 ppg
Scoring Defense
TCU - 5th 12.75 ppg NIU - 42nd 19.83 ppg
Run Offense
TCU - 9th 194.33 ypg NIU - 17th 180.17 ypg
Run Defense
TCU - 4th 67.58 ypg NIU - 34th 115.58 ypg
Pass Offense
TCU - 49th 210.17 ypg NIU - 50th 208.33 ypg
Pass Defense
TCU - 34th 189.92 ypg NIU - 104th 241.50 ypg
Turnover Margin
TCU - 27th 0.50 NIU - 43rd 0.25

In the immortal words of Mark Foley..."You ever heard of a cleveland bowtie, son?"

ahem...yeah...POINT BEING...it's true that this record was built on playing sub-par teams and that most of NIU's losses came at the hands of teams like Ohio State, Ohio (who played for the MAC championship) and Iowa, AND NIU'S Garrett Wolfe's starting to roll again after slumping mid-season but I'm just not buying the upset here. NIU has only one hope and that's that Wolfe manages to have a career game against the 4th ranked Run Defense in the country because otherwise they're putting the load on a second string quaterback who's still working out the kinks to lead them to victory. I think it'll stay pretty close until about the late 3rd quarter when TCU will finally break out and cover the spread.

I'm only putting 30 on TCU to cover because that's a hell of a spread and these no-name teams always seem to end up having the most memorable down to the wire endings, but I think that if the Horned Frogs can get off to a good start early that NIU can't hope to keep up points wise if they're relying on a ground attack.

thennnn I'm putting 80 on the Over - because regardless of the spread these little schools always tend to be like watching an And-1 mixtape...all offense.

THENNNNNN...well actually i'm not really sure how the money line works or if i'm supposed to be making an extra wager on that particular line buttttt i'm putting 80 on the Horned Frogs to pull the victory in this one right hyuh.

LET'S DANCE HOMIE.

2006-12-18T10:31:00.000-05:00

IT'S BOWL SEASON BITCHES!!

My favorite month of the year is Decembruary, that magical time between mid-December and mid-January when all of those once-classic, majestic sounding bowl games come out with their new, insane, tongue-tying corporate sponsorship names. This year, we do not even have a single bowl game immune to the intrusion of corporate sponsorship. A few of my favorite:

Meineke Car Care
Gaylord Hotels Music City
Oops! I Crapped Myself Adult Diapers
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia
Papajohns.com Bowl
Columbia Pictures Presents We Are Marshall
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces
MPC Computers

A few of those are fake. I defy you to tell me what they are without looking them up.

In any case, for better or for worse, bowl season is essentially here and our goal at Football Jesus is to have something on the line for every game from the Tostitos BCS Championship Game (not to be confused with Tostito's other corporate tie-in, the Fiesta Bowl) to the Brut Sun Bowl.

Format's changed, so listen up. Every blogger has 1,000 units to start with. Each game will have three elements to bet on independently, the spread, the money line, and the over/under. There is a minimum of 10 units per bet, maximum 100, increments of 10. Not every game needs to be bet on and not every aspect needs to be bet on. However, if you do not risk at least 1,000 units in the course of the game, you are disqualified (this means you can't squat on your money and wait for the other guy to crap out).

FIRST GAME:

SPREAD
TCU (-12)

MONEY LINE
TCU -250
NIU +190

O/U
47

Images from http://www.poinsettiabowl.net

2006-12-04T10:48:00.000-05:00

WHISKEY AND GATORADE EXCLUSIVE (AND THE RECAP)!!

We have obtained this essay Florida freshman sensation Tim Tebow turned in for his English 101 writing assignment. It's written in crayon and was considered the most sophisticated piece turned in by any student in the class. We will it share it with you here.

RECAP:

Georgia Tech vs. Wake Forest. Wow. A championship game with no touchdowns scored. I'd give bonus points to whoever made it through this without falling asleep, but that would be like offering to give money to people who beat off to Kathy Bates in About Schmidt. My money's pretty safe.

Virus - 2
Jeezy - 0

Arkansas vs Florida. Fuck Florida.

Virus - 0
Jeezy - 0

Nebraska vs Oklahoma. I didn't watch a single down of this game so I can't break it down. Am I sorry about that? Fuck no.

Virus - 2
Jeezy - 2

Rutgers vs West Virginia. This was a total gut call. A few weeks ago I thought West Virgina was going to massacre Rutgers. West Virginia has loads more raw talent and speed than Rutgers has, but Schiano has those kids playing for real. I also didn't know Pat White wouldn't be playing, and that may have contributed to this final. But again, the Big East had the game of the week. Everybody, just stop talking. The Big East is one of the 3 best conferences in the country. Accept it and go away.

Virus - 2
Jeezy - 1

Army/Navy. With less than 2 minutes to go, Navy gets a safety to extend the margin to 19 points on an 18.5 cover. I am blissful. 2 seconds to go, Army throws a meaningless touchdown pass. Glass breaks. Army was competitive in this one until the 4th quarter, and then they were just competitive enough to break our hearts. This is what you get if you try to gamble on a game that features two squads who weren't good enough to go to a real college.

Virus - 1
Jeezy - 1

USC vs UCLA. The shocker of the weekend and the game that hurt me more than anyone else in the country. Fuck you USC for allowing that dumbshit Urban Meyer to fall assbackwards into success yet again. Urban Meyer must have a four leaf clover in his underwear, because there's no way he's smart enough or good enough to be this fucking successful. This is the same jackass that regularly wears his headset with the band that's supposed to go over your head across his forehead and the earphones above his ears. The same lunatic who was screaming to blow up the system for the last 3 weeks when Florida wasn't #2 who is now mysteriously silent that his team tripped and stumbled their way into the title game. Florida was dead in the water before that borderline insane muffed punt from Arkansas that flipped the whole game around. Fuck you Florida for winning when you don't deserve to, for not appreciating Chris Leak, the Derek Jeter of college football (I hate him but I can't help but admire his ability), for running an offense that's so maladaptive to your talent as to be borderline hilarious to watch, and for making a folk hero out of a giant doofus named Tim Tebow who can't do anything but run and who becomes some great legend because OF A FUCKING JUMP PASS. And a triple fuck you to USC for not taking care of business and sparing me the misery of having to root like crazy for Ohio State to bury Florida somewhere in the Arizona desert.

Virus - 0 (and really fucking bitter about it)
Jeezy - 0

Oregon State and Hawaii. Nobody watched this so don't pretend that you did. Nobody has watched either of these teams all year except for the highlights of OrSU and USC so don't act like you really knew what was going to happen here. This was a guess. Big deal.

Virus - 0
Jeezy - 0

TOTALS:

Virus - 7 (44 total)
Jeezy - 4 (36 total)

Skins:
Virus - 7
Jeezy - 3

Regular season crown to RALPH F-WORD VIRUS.

New format for the bowls? Maybe so...

2006-12-02T01:26:00.000-05:00

WEEK EAT A DICK: PICKS FOOTBALL JESUS

Bet you thought I wouldn't make the picks in time right? Well....shut up. These are going to be short and sweet this week because A: It's late B: I have a shit ton of stuff to do tommorrow and C: I'm sorta drunk at the moment and it's harder to type than I first imagined. So here we go.

Georgia Tech @ Wake Forest: ACC Championship. Poor Reggie. Tsk Tsk Tsk. Four years and no wins against the hated Bull-pups? Cry me a 4th string at best QB position in the NFL Reg. The Deacons looked pretty solid against ol' Maryland but that crushing defeat to the Hokies has me a bit on edge here. Ball might look like a third rate chump playing anyone outside his own conference and Chan Gailey or whoever is making the calls nowadays might be the sworn enemy of Captain Obvious, failing to utilize Choice or Johnson whenever they're effective, but at the end of the day I think Tech has a more rounded defense and more weapons on offense. Also, it'd be pretty boring if I picked everyone Virus picked and not very smart on my part since I'm already hurting for points at the moment. Georgia Tech for the win and cover.

Arkansas @ Florida: SEC Championship. While I agree with Virus that the Hawgs absolutely decimated the run defense of LSU, I also remember that LSU has an horrendous offense when playing anyone decent and managed to put up big numbers on the hogs. Buttttt I just can't go with the Gators here. In fact it still kinda blows my mind that they're pulling the spread here with the fantastic games Arkansas has pulled out and the abysmal scoring ability of Florida against any defense with a pulse. Can't go with the Gators. The Hogs upset and take the SEC. Finally the SEC title goes to someone other than the Dogs who I don't hate with an utter passion. SUUUUUUUUUUUEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!

Oklahoma @ Nebraska: Big 12 Championship. Has anyone ever been to Oklahoma or Nebraska? Cuzzzzzz I've been to Nebraska and I can't imagine Oklahoma is much better. My point here, just let them both win...they need something worth living for out there. Dance on my dick with golf shoes. Oklahoma, win...cover...ballabadoo.

Rutgers @ West Virginia: Big East Arts and Crafts Fair. The Big East for all the defending we've done in its favor this season has turned out to be the most unstable, and fuck-up prone division in the country this year. It's in West Virginia...Gotta go with my original championship game pick...yeah i said it...West Virginia in this one. Rutgers has proven one thing well with their crushing defeat to Cincinatti, if a team breaks ahead early, they crumble. I'm a Georgia fan, jumping out early is the one thing West Virginia does a damn good job at. West Virginia covers.

Army @ Navy: I can't believe Army still has enough people to even make a football team anymore. Isn't there a war or something? I think I heard something about it on the news. The Knights are ATROCIOUS. Navy stomps the dog balls out of these guys and covers.

USC @ UCLA: You know USC stomped my chances at pulling ahead last week. USC is rolling and I'm not going to let them destroy my spread three weeks running. USC wins and covers. I'm imagining I'll at least squeeze A point out of those devil-fuckers with that pick.

Oregon St. @ Hawaii: No analysis here. Hawaii has one of the most laughable team names that's ever graced the sporting community. Plus they have that super intense mascot-esque guy who'se always good for a few laughs. I'm givin it to the Pride Parade for the win and cover.

No extra commentary here folks, these last few weeks have been absolute death and if there's one thing i've learned, it's never...EVER spare the life of your opponent. Even if donating a point doesn't seem like a bad idea...it's the difference between 5 points and 3. I'm done. Stick a fork in the Jeezy cuz the miracle juice is running dry. Yes that is a sex joke by the way. See you in bowl season...I'm outtie.

2006-12-01T13:21:00.000-05:00

WEEK 14 PICKS - RALPHVIRUS

I don't have anything funny to say today and to everyone (both of you) who is muttering something sarcastic to themselves right now, eat shit. Here's the picks.

Ga Tech vs. Wake Forest - Reggie Ball is entering his season/career ending tailspin, and Chan Gailey almost looks like he's intentionally keeping the ball away from Calvin Johnson to depress his stats and make him less appealing to NFL scouts and teams. On the other side of the ball, Wake is consistent but not explosive. Their #1 QB completes nearly 70% of his passes with a 2-1 TD/INT ratio and they have 19 rushing TDs scored by 8 different players. This is not a team heavy on star power, which is maybe why people continually overlook them. For the 3rd (!) straight week, I've got the Demon Deacons for the upset.

Arkansas vs Florida - LSU had the best defense in the country. Arkansas's rushing attack shredded them. Florida's defense is not as good as LSU's. Florida's offense is inept. Urban Meyer is a whiny crybaby (Blow up the system if my current team doesn't get in the title game, praise the system when my WAC team gets to play Pitt in The Biggest BCS Joke in History). Arkansas has terrible quarterback play, but doesn't need it. Florida is running an offense its quarterback looks clueless in. The hogs will win if for no other reason than to preserve my sanity and end this crazy talk of Florida being a title contender. Besides, I couldn't take it if Florida won the NCAA Basketball and Football championship in the same year I got married. And I won't post their terrible cartoonish mascot here either.

Nebraska vs Oklahoma - Of all the games this weekend, this is the one I'm most likely to skip. I couldn't give 2 damns about either of these teams. I'm very skeptical that Paul Thompson is the second coming of some other good Oklahoma QB, and seeing Nebraska QBs put up 350 passing yards a game makes me a little dizzy. Neither team is very impressive in the very weak Big 12, but since I have to choose, I'll take the Sooners and the points.

Rutgers at West Virginia - Both teams have an embarrasing loss on their slate recently. West Virginia is playing for little other than pride, while Rutgers has a conference championship and BCS bowl bid on the line. I'd be crazy if I didn't think Schiano would have his kids motivated. The question is whether White and Slaton can run on that Rutgers defense. If Rutgers played like they did in the 2H of the Louisville game, this is a low-scoring event that Rutgers can pull out. In Morgantown, though, West Virginia has just enough to pull it out, but not enough to abuse the Rutgers defense enough to cover that spread. WVU to win, RU to cover.

Army vs. Navy - Army is really bad. Navy is better, but still not good. People who call this the greatest rivalry in college football have been drinking too much of the kool-aid. This game has had no implications whatsoever in at least 40 years except to the kind of people who write bad poetry and become sports writers. Navy takes this and runs away with the cover.

USC at UCLA - USC is on a mission right now and nobody can stop them. I watched the Texas A & M game last week too, and I know "anything can happen in a rivalry game," but I don't buy it here. USC has been a team possessed since losing to Oregon State. Their offense is firing on all cylinders and they could probably win if they put the cheerleaders on the field to play defense. In fact, it looks like UCLA has already tried that. They can't stop ANYBODY this year and I'm convinced USC will be able to score at will here. Pete Carroll doesn't seem to lose too many games when a lot is on the line, and the streak he's running right now in college football is a marvel to watch. USC ends up in the title game yet again and stomps UCLA for the cover.

Oregon State at Hawaii - Oregon State has been tricky lately, pulling upsets over USC and Oregon in the past few weeks. Hawaii has an unbelievable offense (QB Colt Brennan has over 4500 yards and 51 TDs, 3 off the NCAA record of 54), but it's important to remember they play in the WAC and have lost to Alabama (the only big conference school on their slate) and Boise State while hanging 60+ on the likes of Utah State, Fresno State, Lousiana Tech and Idaho. Oregon State is a total enigma, beating USC but losing to Boise State, Cal, Wazzou and UCLA. I'm going to give the Straight (I swear we're not gay! The rainbow is...fuck it, let's just drop it) Warriors the nod because of the horrendous trip OrSU has to make and because Hawaii is going to chuck it all over the field so Brennan can have that record. Hawaii takes the game and the cover over the sleep-walking Beavers.

Special Thanks to http://www.sportslogos.net for the logos. Awesome site.

2006-11-30T16:11:00.000-05:00

WEEK 14 GAMES AND LINES

Well, the last weekend of college football is upon us. On the down side, it's all we get before the scattershot bowl season opens in a week or two (or three or whatever the schedule says). On the up side, we theoretically get to go out with a bang since it's CHAMPIONSHIP WEEK!!!!!! Except the matchups aren't all that exciting. It was just an accident that the Big East is essentially being decided on Saturday (and also has the best game of the week status for like the 3rd time in 5 weeks). The SEC game should be interesting, but isn't all that sexy (Florida is painfully boring to watch and Arkansas's QB play is borderline abysmal). Who cares about the Big 12 game, and the ACC game is a joke. But, we press on anyway. The games!

Georgia Tech (-2.5)vs. Wake Forest (In Jacksonville)

Arkansas vs. Florida (-3) (In Atlanta)

Nebraska vs. Oklahoma (-3.5) (In Kansas City)

Rutgers @ West Virginia (-9.5)

Those are the marquee games. Since it's the last college football for awhile though, I'm going to make this week a 7 game affair. These three are also up for grabs:

Army @ Navy (-19.5)

USC (-13.5) @ UCLA (home team is kind of a joke here since both schools share the same stadium I think...in any case they're both in LA)

And the SUNDAY SPECTACULAR

Oregon State @ Hawaii (-8)

Because I'm a late slacker and there is no Thursday game to discuss, picks are due by 11:59 pm Friday AND NOT ONE DAMN MINUTE LATER.

2006-11-29T09:37:00.000-05:00

WEEK 13 RECAP

Not a proud weekend for the FJ crew, but better than last week's clusterfuck nonetheless. In any case, the best news of the week came out of Athens as UGA pulled themselves off the mat these last few weeks to end the season on a positive note. I'll take going 8-4 if we win at least 2 games against the Big Four (Fla, Tenn, Aub, Ga Tech). I'm also going to do my damndest to get Reggie Ball an extension on his NCAA eligibility and I'm going to lobby the Ga Tech administration to keep Chan Gailey at the helm until he dies. How you can have a weapon like Calvin Johnson and not use him every other play, or how you can have Tashard Choice ripping holes in the UGA front and stop putting the ball in his hands is completely beyond me. Well done Tech. Six straight years, four of which had Captain Ball at the helm, and nothing to show for it. Enjoy your ACC showdown with Wake Forest. My money's already down on the Deacons.

THE RESULTS:

LSU @ Arkansas - Well, I wasn't really off that much with my analysis. McFadden is rapidly becoming the most dangerous player in college football, and with Felix Jones behind him, Arkansas's rush attack is terrifying. However, they need to remember that the game still goes on when the other team has the ball. Russell looked electric on the field, and your defense has failed when they can't contain that moron. Goose eggs all around.

Virus - 0
Jesus - 0
Caned - Fuck it.

Florida @ Florida State - The state of Florida can form a line right now to just suck my balls. Fuck Florida. The US needs to get gonorrhea so Florida will just fall off into the ocean.

Virus - 1
Jesus - 2

South Carolina @ Clemson - I'm just glad UGA plays SC early in the season every year. Spurrier gets his kids playing by the end of the year. A sloppy game all around that ended on a pathetic FG attempt by Jad (?) Dean that would have sent the game into overtime. No arrests, though, so I guess this one will go down as one of the more forgettable chapters in this already forgettable rivalry.

Virus - 0
Jesus - 0

Notre Dame @ USC - In the past few years, people start to get themselves worked into a frenzy about this game because ND usually comes in riding some kind of winning streak and USC is always seen as a soft Pac-10 team. However, ND is usually riding a win streak against the service academies, and USC is one of the fastest, most explosive teams in college football. ND looked like they were standing still in this one as USC charged out early and never looked back. Weis might want to think about recruiting some kids with some speed and not as many east coast Catholics with impossible to spell names.

Virus - 2
Jesus - 0

Wake Forest @ Maryland - Who. Fucking. Cares.

Virus - 2
Jesus - 2

TOTAL FOR WEEK:

Virus: 5 (flip a coin)
Jesus: 4 (tough luck kid!)

OVERALL:

Virus: 37
Jesus: 32
Caned: 10

SKINS:

Virus: 6
Jesus: 3
Caned: 0

TOMORROW: (conference)CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND GAMES POSTED!

2006-11-24T13:13:00.000-05:00

WEEK 13 PICKS FROM RALPHVIRUS

Oh boy, back from last week's debacle and getting these picks in under the gun. Looks like Texas A & M hired a dump truck to play running back and Colt McCoy can't get his shit together yet, but who cares about Texas. The state that elected George Bush governor and president gets no love from me. Anyway, let's see if we can't do better than we did last week.

LSU @ Arkansas (Pk) - I'm really baffled at why LSU keeps getting these lines. It seems that everybody gets fooled into believing Jamarcus Russell is a big time quarterback and not just Daunte Culpepper II. I know LSU has a strong rush defense, but they haven't played anything like the two headed monster of McFadden and Jones. Nobody wants to believe Arkansas is for real because they got stomped by USC in the SEASON OPENER. Wake up people, the Razorbacks are for real and they knock out the only two loss team in the top 10.

Florida (-9) @ Florida State - Man, it's been a rough football season for the state of Florida this year. Miami has a total meltdown, leading to Coker FINALLY getting shitcanned, Florida State has a wretched year, culminating in a 30-0 loss to Wake Forest AT HOME, and Florida is about to get embarrassed by Arkansas in the SEC title game. I don't know why Florida is seriously being mentioned as a national title contender, because they're nowhere near as good as everybody wishes they were. They are, however, good enough to dispatch with this pathetic Florida State team. Florida takes this one by at least 10. Now I have to shower to wash the disgust off.

South Carolina @ Clemson (-6) - For Clemson, it's basically been however the run game goes, so goes the team. For South Carolina, nobody knows how it's going to go from one second to the next. Carolina put up a fight against the Gators a few weeks back, and Spurrier seems to really let lose against big time rivals, but I don't think the Gamecocks can slow down the rushing attack Clemson has, especially not in Death Valley. Clemson cruises here and easily covers.

Notre Dame @ USC (-7.5) - I'll admit that I had Notre Dame in my National Title game before the year started, and I had Brady Quinn as my Heisman winner. I still stand by the latter pick, as I think Quinn has much better numbers than Troy Smith, but the former pick I've cooled off on. That whipping by Michigan opened my eyes a bit, and the way Notre Dame has had to struggle to pull out wins against a couple of lesser opponents makes me wonder. ND hasn't played many high-caliber teams so far this year, and USC lost one fluky game they were ill-prepared for. USC has been insane since dropping to Oregon State, and now that they can start to smell that spot in the Championship Game, I don't see them falling off here at the end. USC for the win and the cover.

Wake Forest @ Maryland (-1) - Yikes. The two teams that burned us last weekend are now facing off for the Atlantic/Coastal (I can't keep them straight) ACC title and the right to play Georgia Tech in the ACC championship game. I can't even begin to break this down because both teams looked so awful last week. I'm going to give the edge to Wake because at least they lost to a decent team last week. Wake gets my only upset nod of the week.

I've gotta go see if Texas has pulled their thumbs out of their asses yet and decided to start playing. A quick note, somehow UGA is a 1.5 point favorite against Tech in Athens. Somebody might want to send those bookies a tape of the "highlights" UGA has put up in Sanford stadium this year. I would prefer it if this was at Grant Field since Richt turns into Superman on opponents home fields, but I guess we'll have to cringe through this one at Sanford. I am not enthusiastic about this.

2006-11-24T12:41:00.000-05:00

WEEK 13 GAMES, LINES, AND PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS - THE BLOATED ONE

Hey friends (and by that I mean the 4 people that read this and the one guy who stumbled on this looking for drunken porn), sorry we're late for this weeks picks but if you thought we were going to leave you hangin on' rivalry week then the tryptophan must be getting to your brain. We got some big match-ups this week and not a lot of time to bring it to you so I'm going to go ahead and make a double post, which means you get to see the games and lines as I call em'. No time for dick jokes, LET'S GET TO IT!

LSU @ Arkansas (Pick em' game)...Since the SEC West has already been wrapped up by the hogs the only thing left in this one is pride for the bayou bengals and the slimmest of hopes for a title shot for Arkansas. Now we all know pride can be a big factor, look at Miami's big win over favored BC last night...but you know what ended up being the reward for that game? A big fat pink slip for Coker. Hold your applause Canes fan. My point is this, in the immortal words of Marcellus Wallace..."Fuck Pride!" I'm going with the hogs here to take this game, but not by much.

Florida @ Florida State (Florida -9)...This is one of the worst seasons I've ever seen from the Seminole nation and you better believe i'm loving every second of it. Florida State couldn't find the endzone this season if it was painted with pure Bolivian cocaine. Florida wins this one easy....BUT!!!! Besides their rout of that little league team last week, they haven't looked too good on the offensive side of the ball either. I don't think they cover 9 points (although everytime I say that they end up doing just that in the last 3 minutes of the game). Florida to Win, Bowden's Boys to cover. Steak Dinner and an Eight Ball to the Florida State kid who knocks Tebow unconscious.

South Carolina @ Clemson (Clemson -6)...Whatever happened to that Newton kid under center? That guy looked like a phenom when they almost pulled that upset on Auburn. Blake Mitchell makes no sense to me and the fact that they're in Death Valley kinda seals the deal as far as I'm concerned. This one always ends up being a slugfest (literally) but after the SC's heartbreaking loss in The Swamp, I just can't see Spurrier pickin' up the pieces for another big match-up. South Carolina gets stomped in this one. Clemson to win and cover.

Notre Dame @ USC (USC - 7.5)...Man oh man, this is a hard pick. Everyone knows how BIG a fan (hahaha get it? He's fat? Right? Fat?...fuck you) I am of Charlie Weiss but I tell you if there's one guy I hate even more than that fat fucker, it's Pete Caroll. I know they're at the colliseum and USC has been rolling but if there's one thing i've learned this season it's never put your money on the team that's being on a hot streak yeah I'm looking at you Clemson...and Wake Forest...and Texas...anyway, anyway, I gotsta have me an upset pick for the week and this is it. The Irish pull a heartbreaker on the Trojans and break the title race wide open.

Last but not least...Wake Forest @ Maryland (Maryland -1)...Now why would we pick this game when both teams threw a sucker punch to us in last week's disaster? Well after Miami's upset of the completely mind boggling Golden Eagles, the ACC is now wide open and this game is HUGE for both teams if they want a chance at the conference championship. It's hard to go by the schedule of these two, they've both played and beaten impressive teams and both were just completely EMBARASSED last week...In the end though, I don't have too much love for the Terps, so I'm going to throw my pick once again to the underdogs in black for the win. Go get em' Deacons.

No time for pride picks this week folks, I gotta go grab some leftovers before the rest of the vultures eat all the stuffing. Here's hoping this week isn't nearly as horrible as last. Don't give up on us just yet, because the next time we see you it'll be....dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn....BOWL SEASON. It's gonna get real messy around here so until then, punch your creepy uncle in the mouth, grab a plate of leftovers and slap your girlfriend's ass and tell her to keep those drinks comin'. It's football time bitches.

2006-11-20T16:04:00.000-05:00

WEEK 12 RECAP - I CAN'T WASH THE FAILURE OFF!

Oh my god. I haven't been this wrong since I said "Mark my words, the New England Patriots will rue the day they passed Drew Bledsoe over for Tom Brady." I still haven't fully removed my foot from my mouth after that one. But you know, what marks the greatness of a man isn't whether he's right or wrong, but whether he can own up to his mistakes. Somebody said something like that and they were fucking stupid. Yeah, I wrote a fucking dissertation about giving Rutgers, Wake and other small time programs some respect based on their body of work and not on their histories. I still stand by that. IF Rutgers ran the table, they should have played in the title game. But they didn't. That doesn't invalidate my argument, it just makes it moot.

Point being this: the odds of getting all the games wrong are about as good as getting all the games right. In close matchups, things frequently hinge on unseen variables like luck (if you watch sports and don't believe in luck then you're an even bigger idiot than we were this past weekend) which can swing a game either to or away from you. Over time you should be somewhere around 50% unless you constantly pick games like Florida vs. Western Carolina, and only pick them straight up. This week is a big stinkin bruise for both our egos, but on the bright side, it's very improbable that we'll make a habit out of this. If we do, we should just castrate ourselves and knit socks for our cats all day long.

2006-11-20T11:33:00.000-05:00

WEEK 12 POINTS AND WRAP UP...HUH?

Shitballpussyfuckerdickfucksnatchetyrachetybowlingpindildo....Yeah...that's right...the single WORST week in Football Jesus history is finally over. If anyone decided this week would be a good week to take our advice and blow their kids college fund on Michigan and Cal then feel free to send your death threats too...

John Pezzino
770-265-5795

Seriously, don't hold back. We can take it. Anyway, just as last week was the week for the underdog this week the football gods decided they would throw their lot to the favorites here in a big way. Which is fantastic for me in my first ever all-upset-weekend. Well ballsack. Let's get to it....sigh...

Michigan @ Ohio State...Well at least it wasn't a BAD game. Ohio State took the lead in the 1st quarter and never quite let it go for the rest of this back and forth shoot-out. I had my big blue gear ready to go for this upset but you know what...if they should meet again in national championship land...I'm still throwin it to the wolves. Thank GOD for that last minute Michigan drive that scored me my one point for the entire week on a Michigan Cover.

FJ - 1
RV - 1

Auburn @ Alabama...Well I did nail the fact that Alabama has a knack for scaring SEC powerhouses and nailed it again when I said they just can't figure out a way to finish it. Alabama threatened...made some ridiculous two-point conversion decisions...went up by a point...and then sputtered out in the end making that their 4th heartbreaking loss to big name SEC teams.

FJ - 0
RV - 2

This is where it gets ugly...

Cal @ USC...Cal battled early and then USC rolled on the Golden Bears easily beating that ass and covering the spread.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

Maryland @ Boston College...BC was up by 14 by the time I found the channel they were playing on. It didn't get any better from there. Maryland gets absolutely waxed in this match-up.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest...Well the Demon Deacons have their cinderella story absolutely stomped by the Hokies in this one. Another unexciting blowout in ACC land.

FJ - 0
RV - 0

So there you have it. Altogether, the Virus and I totalled a stunning 4 points. If you didn't watch any of the other games this weekend it pretty much went as everyone figured it would. Florida got their first blowout victory, West Virginia got tested and then stomped Pitt in the second half, Miami went down in a ball of bright green and orange flames that marked one of the most ridiculous seasons I've ever seen a powerhouse school have, and Rutgers reminded us why they're Rutgers and blew it to Cincy that left Mark May jerking off in his old Pitt uniform whispering "I told you so, I told you so." So lets get to the total points here.

With this pathetic week the Virus takes a pretty commanding lead coming into the home stretch, adding two to his yet unreachable total...shitfuck

RV - 3
FJ - 1
SC - 0

Total Points:
RV - 32
FJ - 28
SC - 10

Skins:
RV - 5
FJ - 3
SC - 0

2006-11-16T13:15:00.000-05:00

WEEK 12 PICKS - THE CHOSEN ONE...FOOTBALL JESUS

WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME BITCH! OH Sweet, nubile and currently legal (i think) olsen twins tits, it's been a good while since I've had the privilege of waxin' football on that ass and it appears that we couldn't have picked a better time than now to get back on that crosseyed Mark May-molested pony. Now USUALLY I save my rants and raves for the end of these little things but this shit has just become too good. The cluster fuck that is the college football top ten is enough to make one of those little asian-rubix cube masters pop a few blood vessels. I mean let's look at this, Amongst the top 10 teams right now...Ohio State has to play Michigan, USC has to play Notre Dame, Rutgers has to play West Virginia, and chances are that Arkansas will face off with Florida...I've tried for the last 26 hours straight to make a decent prediction on who's going to end up with the championship bid, besides the winner of the Buckeye/Michigan state team, and I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant...that's about all I can tell you. Buttttt the Jeezy himself has come up with an answer. My Solution? We take the 5 teams left after this last minute gangbang of a top 10 and have them compete in a bake off. Best of three. I got my cash on Charlie Weiss. That son of a bitch makes a mean fried chili dog. YIPPEE KAYAY MOTHERFUCKER, LET'S GET TO IT!

Thursday Night Yeehaw Time.

West Virginia @ Pitt...I would say that West Virginia sleeps on this one but in the last two weeks, the Mountaineers actually have a legit shot and making it back to National Championship status with a win here and against Rutgers. With that being said there's nothing more I like to see than a team with championship hopes have them dashed to the dirt because as a Georgia fan, we call that "regular season". But I don't see it happenin here. West Virginia takes down Pitt, but doesn't cover that spread with their lack of defence.

The Good Shiyat.

Michigan @ Ohio State... Oh sweet god. According to the ESPN, "We've got way too much free time after Kenny Mayne left" poll, apparently the ONLY two states in America that believe that Michigan has a shot in this one are Michigan and Wyoming. When a state shamed by the spit-palm debacle that was brokeback mountain is your only ally then things just aint lookin good for ya. You know, I've done a little research here and found a hilarious fact that losers like myself and the other worthless individuals that read this might enjoy. Michigan has done one thing and done it well over the last 4 or 5 decades and that's laughingly tap dance all over the buckeyes hopes of making it to the big dance. With the exception of 2002, Michigan has broken buckeye hearts in 69', 77', 93', 95', and 96'. Now...with that shit out of the way, WHO GIVES A FUCK! Oh how I wish that this game was being played in Ann Arbor so I could feel a little better about the Wolverines shot here...Alright enough dancin' around, here's what's going to happen. The first half will be about as expected back and forth with the defense holding strong for both sides and not a lot of points being thrown up. In the second half the Ohio State defense starts to bend and someone blows a coverage on Manningham for a gigantic play. The Michigan front line gets in Troy Smith's face and forces him to make a couple of bad decisions that end up sinking the Buckeye's title hopes. That's right ladies and gentleman, I'm putting my cash on the Wolverines to make a valiant stand and squeak a victory out in the Horseshoe this weekend. I haven't picked an upset in a while and this one right here's a doozy. HAIL TO THE VICTORS!

Cal @ USC...honestly I had the trojans picked for a four game lose-out but somehow...somehow those Socal boys figured out a way to pull it out. Welllll it ends this weekend folks. I know Cal got upset by Arizona last week but honestly that seems to be the trend nowadays. The difference in that one being that about half of an inch of toe hit that little white line and stole the comeback that most of the other contenders have pulled against absolute nobodys. You gotta be out of your mind to think that Cal won't come into this one eager to hand out the same season-crushing medicine they just got forcefed last week. Once again, i'm throwing my pick to the upset, Cal for the victory in whatever goofy name Southern Cal has for it's stadium.

Auburn @ Alabama...The Iron Bowl! Hey I seem to remember one of these teams....I just can't place it...I mean the name sounds so familiar....WHERE do I know those guys from? Oh now I remember, that's the team that got 22 POINTS SHOVED UP THEIR ASS BY, as all the sports-"experts" so eloquently put it every year, "THE MOST OVERRATED TEAM IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL" IN YOUR HOME STADIUM. Look for it to take about 2 quarters in this one before Tommy Tuberville can manage to pry Richt's foot from deep in his ass. You know I wish someone would explain Alabama to me. They put up a valiant fight against Tennessee, they looked like they had some life against LSU, and they even gave a nice little scare to Florida, yet everytime, they keep coughing it right back up. Well you know what, I think Alabama has been cockblocked long enough. For the THIRD upset in a row, I'm goin with the Crimson Tide in this one cause you know what, fuck it. ROLL TIDE BITCHES!

Maryland @ Boston College...This just in, noone gives a virgin-mary shaped dog shit. God I don't know about either of these teams besides Maryland's close call with GT and their squeaker against the Canes. You know what, my upset streak has served me well so far so let's keep that train a rollin'. I'm callin the Terps in this one.

Virginia Tech @ Wake Forest...Wake Forest DOMINATED Florida State last week. Now I understand that that's about like saying "I DOMINATED that leftover chinese food yesterday." But still, you gotta give it to the Demon Deacons, they've put together a mighty fine team this year. I don't know much about the ACC so I'm not sure if they still have a shot at getting the championship bid for the conference or not but I'm pullin for em'. I mean come on, Demon Deacons just sounds cool, and the black uniforms make me want to listen to Slayer drink a handle of Mr. Boston's and punch some guy in a wifebeater and a bandanna for eyein' my chick wrong. With a perfect five for five on upsets this week, I'm throwin my lot to the boys in black. Get em' Deacons.

LIGHTNING ROUND!!!!!!

Phil Fulmer is a pudding-cup-fucking cockbag. Vandy bucks up and gives the Vols what they've had comin' all year. Arkansas barely covers their spread against the bulldogs...in the first 3 minutes of the game. Nuff' said rreally, Arkansas rolls on this one. Have you ever run across someone that you hated...but then they had the absolute worst luck in the entire fuckin' world. I'm talking absolutely nothing goes right for them EVER in a month or two span. I mean to the point where you actually feel really bad for them? Me neither but I'm still kinda rootin for the Canes in this one...Why? Howie Long's son plays on the Virginia D-Line....and those goddamn radioshack commercials still haunt my dreams...shudder. Canes for the win and the cover.

So here's hoping that every single team in the country gets upset...It's worth a shot at least. Rest up folks, these next couple of weeks are going to be a doozy.

2006-11-16T12:54:00.000-05:00

WEEK 12 PICKS RALPHVIRUS

I've got the Jeezy sneaking up on me as we enter the homestretch and I'm near-famously awful at picking bowl games, so I need a cushion and I need it now. Before I get on with my selections, I have a couple of bones to pick. Jeezy gave a good rant about why Rutgers should be considered a national title contender, and I agree with all of his points. The problem as I see it is a bit deeper, though, and it involves the unspoken bias that currently exists in college football. I mean, for two consecutive weeks we had to listen to everybody on ESPN, ABC, CBS, NBC etc. pontificating about how West Virginia and Louisville were alternatingly worthy of appearing in the national championship game because the Big East wasn't a joke anymore and was a competitve conference with a lot of talent. Once Rutgers became the final unbeaten team in the Big East, all of a sudden the Big East isn't good enough anymore and Rutgers is unworthy. Why? My theory is that the sportscasters and anchors and analysts all have a bias against a team like Rutgers that has pretty much sucked for its entire existence and they aren't willing to part with their stupid notions of who the good and bad teams are. Point in case, Michigan has beaten 1 team in the top ten (when they faced them), and, coincidentally, so has Ohio State. Guess who else has that honor...RUTGERS! Whoever wins the Michigan/Ohio State game will have beaten 2 top 10 teams...if West Virginia stays unbeaten but lose December 2 to Rutgers, Rutgers will have likewise beaten 2 top 10 teams. Another example is Wake Forest. Before the Florida State/Wake Forest game, Lee Corso said Florida State was going to win "big." Why would he say that? Florida State has been unable to put points on the board all year long and Wake Forest's strength was their defense. Also, Florida State was treading water, barely staying around the .500 mark while Wake was 7-2. But, Wake Forest has historically been a wretched team and for the past decade or two, FSU was a really good team. So never mind what has been happening THIS SEASON, take the team that used to not suck. Wake won 30-0. Herbstreit also gave Arizona "zero percent chance of beating Cal." Wanna guess why? These guys forget that 5 years ago, before Jeff Tedford came to Cal and turned them around, nobody gave them a shot in hell the year they broke out. Everybody kept saying they're getting lucky, it'll run out soon. They went 10-1 that year. My point is very simple: in college football, a team shouldn't have to prove itself over a span of several years before they're given the benefit of the doubt. College Football has a very high turnover, and every year is unique, so it's completely unfair to discredit a team because they've not been good historically. Every other sport (and other divisions in college football) allows the teams to settle things on the field. The bias of analysts and sportscasters cannot get in the way because performance and overall record specify who gets to PLAY for the national title. With the poll and BCS system, too many reporters and talking heads make decisions about the worth of a team not by evaluating how good they are RIGHT NOW, but how good they've been the past few years. It's a colossal embarrassment for what I feel is one of the great sports in the country. We can get these old fashioned morons to come around on replay (which is another embarrassment, and which took several years for some of the stodgier analysts to come around to anyway), but you just try to take away their participation in proliferating this clusterfuck of a system and listen to how loud they scream (or cackle retardedly in the case of Craig James).

QUICK PICKS BECAUSE MY EDITORIAL WAS LONG AS FUCK

1) Michigan at Ohio State. I NAILED this line on the phone the other night, and now I wish I hadn't. 7 points sounded just right to me and since I'm not a pussy who opts for a tie, I don't know which way to lean. I'm going to say that the weakest conference in college football this year is either the Big 10 or the Big 12. Is the greatest game of all time? Hardly. Michigan has a very solid run defense, but Troy Smith has the ability to run and throw, and I think that's going to keep Michigan on their heels. Michigan has Manningham back and the solid/boring Mike Hart is still plugging away, but I don't trust Henne in these situatinos. Troy Smith wraps up one of the most unspectacular Heisman campaigns that I can remember and Ohio State wins and covers by a few.

2) Cal at USC. I don't know what to think about Cal anymore. Or USC, for that matter. USC has been a machine since going down to Oregon State, pasting Oregon in the process. Cal is the definition of a Jekyll and Hyde team. They got blown out by an unimpressive Tennessee team early on, and were absolutely stymied by Arizona, but in between they were the most impressive team in the country. Was last week a look ahead loss? Or did Cal run out of gas? I'm going to guess the former and probably cringe all night Saturday. Cal with the upset. New Jersey flips everybody off and goes back to being surly in a puddle of toxic waste.

3) Auburn at Alabama. This one is really easy for me. Alabama is not good this year. Auburn has their moments, and after that whipping by Georgia last week, ole Tommy is going to have his boys ready to go. Auburn pounds Alabama and wins really big, easily covering.

4) Maryland at BC. I don't know why I picked this game. I hate BC. I hate talking about BC. I hate watching BC. BC is the most boring team in college football. I'll take Maryland for the upset because the thought of cheering for BC makes me sick. Yeah, really insightful analysis, right? Fuck off.

5) Virginia Tech at Wake Forest. Another example of the bias I was talking about earlier. Wake is at home, they're 8-2, and they're underdogs. I'm a believer Wake! The Demon Deacons for the upset!

QUICK PICKS

Can I do these in one sentence? Let's find out!

West Virginia at Pittsburgh - I watched this game in Pittsburgh last year with my father-in-law who is a Pitt grad and I saw in that game the same terror I experienced in the Sugar Bowl last year. Pitt can't handle WVU's speed and WVU wins big.

Tenneessee at Vanderbilt - Goddamn I want Vandy to win this game, but I think they used up their karma for the year against Georgia. Crompton pulls it out in Nashville, but Vandy keeps it under the spread. (EDIT: Ainge will be starting this weekend. Don't care. Pick stands.)

Arkansas at Mississippi State - Lines like this make me miss gambling. Arkansas by 4 TDs. SYLVESTER CROOM NOOSE (oh please come back Travis...I miss you! <3 )

Miami at Virginia - What a train wreck for Miami this year. Insult to injury? Nah. Miami salvages some pride and wins by at least seven.

Next week, RIVALRY WEEK MOTHERFUCKERS.

2006-11-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

WEEK 12 GAMES AND LINES

Hey hey kids, the Football Jesus is back with a new weeks worth of games that all of us will get wrong. It's a good thing we weren't around last week, because if any of you had Texas, Cal and Auburn (!!!) going down to Kansas State, Arizona and Georgia, then please give me your address and times you'll be home so I can steal all the nice shit you bought with your sick winnings last week. I tried to calculate what a 3 team parlay on the money line would have amounted to and two of my teeth turned gold just looking at the result. ANYWAY. This week we've got the epic showdown ESPN has been touting as the 30th GAME OF THE CENTURY in the past 6 years, which almost inevitably means a sloppy game that somebody either pulls out unconvincingly or a blowout. My money's on the latter. LET'S GET TO IT:

1) Michigan at Ohio State (-7)

2) California at USC (-5.5)

3) Auburn (-3) at Alabama

4) Maryland at Boston College (-7)

5) Virginia Tech (-1.5) at Wake Forest

THURSDAY NIGHT THRILLER!

West Virginia (-10.5) at Pittsburgh

INTERESTING LINES
Tennessee (-9) at Vanderbilt -- Can Vandy make it two in a row?
Arkansas (-14) at Mississippi State -- Only a two touchdown favorite? They beat Tennessee by 17!
Miami (-3) at Virginia -- Oh how the mighty have fallen.

2006-11-13T10:20:00.000-05:00

AND TO HELL WITH WAR EAGLES!

Glory glory bitches. I don't know how Richt used his witchcraft to squeeze the 72' dolphins into those red and white uniforms, and I don't give a shit. Just when you thought the dawgs had nothing left and we were on pace for a 6 out of 7 loseout which included Vanderbilt and Kentucky, we actually acted like a real football team, playing 4 quarters of oldschool ball that kept one of the best quarterbacks in the league to 41 yards passing and 4 count em' 4 interceptions. Stafford's finally acting like a leader and besides his two cough-ups, one of which he really couldn't have helped, played a flawless game. Tra Battle has earned himself a big juicy filet mignon on my dime as well for making Brandon Cox have a game that will more than likely haunt him for the rest of his collegiate career. 37 to 15?! thirty fucking seven to fifteen?!?! That's not a loss, Tommy...that's a cry for help.

It seemed like the weekend for underdogs, with Rutgers pulling an amazing 2nd half comeback on the 3rd ranked Louisville Cardinals, and then within minutes being told that the conference they were a part of, the same conference where Miami was never questioned for their national championship capabilities not too long ago, AND where two possible national champions were being groomed in Louisville and West Virginia, wasn't strong enough and therefore they didn't deserve to be in the big dance. If Mark May and Corso could remove their air tight lips from the balls of Pete Carroll and Bobby Bowden then they might notice that Rutgers has played out of conference teams that were just as terrible as those of their counterparts in WV and Louisville (Yeah I know Louisville laid the wood to Miami but even our italian colleague would agree that Miami is looking more and more like they could get their ass handed to them by the team from Little Giants), two teams that they both said fully deserved the shot at that ridiculous football/punchbowl trophy, AND are in the process (with a win in the coming weeks) of laying to rest the National Championship hopes of two top 10 teams. I'd put my money on the boys from New Jersey against Texas (the team everyone was batting their eyelashes at and then proceeded to get their ass kicked by Kent State I think it was), Florida (a team that pulled a victory over South Carolina at the swamp by the skin of their teeth), and Cal (another team everyone was singing the praises of that got upset by a nobody).

But, if i had to choose anyone team that looks like they deserve a bid with the way their playing, it would have to be Arkansas. OF COURSE i'm biased here and no amount of arguing could ever convince me that there's a conference out there that even closely resembles the absolute bloodbath that the SEC becomes year in and year out. Arkansas proved they can win without their freshman QB phenom and McFadden is looking like what Adrian Peterson was supposed to be for the last 12 years. Not to mention Mr. McFadden put on a CLINIC against a legit Tennessee squad (hold on...i think i just vomited in my mouth a little...). I think this team takes it to LSU, and then beats the piss out of that brainfreeze of a team that is Florida right now. Let's be real, USC doesn't beat Cal, Notre Dame doesn't beat USC, Cal-Texas-Auburn-Louisville are out of the race, what the hell. It's time teams like Arkansas and Rutgers got a little respect. And hell it's not like it really matters anyway. The way Michigan and Ohio State are playing right now noone's going to beat whoever walks away from that shootout. This seems to ring very similar to the talk in the NCAA Basketball Tourney last year where everyone stomped all over George Mason until they made it into the Final Four at which time they all started getting giggly like little school girl bitches about the prospect that they might actually make it. You know chances are that Rutgers wouldn't stand a shot in hell in the championship but that's not the point. The point here is that I'm sick of cocky little fucks like Mark May always finding a way to piss on any feel-good story that happens in college football. I wish Lou Holtz would jam those fruity glasses of Mark's right down his smug little throat. Now I'm aware old glory teams like Texas and Florida pull in more money for the powers that be in the BCS but it's about time that we started recognizing a good team when we see one, and Rutgers deserves AT LEAST that much respect this year fellas. Go Scarlet Knights!

And I'm out...bitches.

2006-11-10T19:48:00.000-05:00

WEEK WHATEVER POINTS AND SHIT...WE'RE BACK!!!!!!!

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK FOLKS, whiskey and gatorade is back on the blogwaves after a minor set back that forced us to miss a couple weeks of good clean blackout, fall down and break a coffee table, football excitement. Since I know everyone has been floating through their meaningless existence aimlessly since we last reported, I wont hold you up any longer. LET'S GET TO IT...as the kids say.

Scores for week 8:

Georgia Tech @ Clemson...Jesus, I don't even remember most of this game. I do seem to remember an absolute old fashioned facepunching by the Tigers that took the spread and punished it like a prison-house bitch though. Virus swings into the lead with this call and my faith in any team in Georgia has once again been stomped a new special-hole.
Virus - 2
FJ - 1

Texas @ Nebraska...A squeaker in cornhole country that suprised us both and probably caused a riot at some trailerpark in tornado alley. Who cares.
Virus - 1
FJ - 1

Iowa @ Michigan...Like I was born to do it, I had another 4th quarter cover destroyed and thrown back in my face AND received yet another kick in the balls by Georgia's new lackluster cousin to the north, Iowa. If I had the ability to care anymore, I'd probably go on a tangent about how badly Drew Tate needs to hurry up his Bledsoe-esque, "I fall down a lot" NFL Career so we can all move on from this debacle of a team. But I don't and I won't.
Virus - 2
FJ - 1

Alabama @ Tennessee...Goddamn I hate Phil Fulmer. If I ever develop a third-world flourescent ass wart I'm pretty sure I'll name it Phil Fulmer. And hit it with things. Anyway. The one time I ACTUALLY bet on these cocksuckers and they find a way to pull one of the sorriest performances in their home stadium this season. Well at least I wasn't alone in this one. Like a Tequila-fueled sexual encounter, Phil Fulmer still manages to find a way to turn enthusiasm and excitement into an awkward and generally disappointing performance.

Virus - 1
FJ - 1

Rutgers @ Pitt...That's right, THE ONLY good part of my entire week happened to be at the hands of a couple Jersey kids. And people say that state isn't worth shit. I mean I say it too but that's not the point, THE POINT, is that Rutgers pulls the upset on Pitt and lands me in yet another tie with the pointmastergeneral Ralph Virus.

Virus - Goose Egg
FJ - 2

This weeks points areeeee:
Virus - 6
FJ - 6
Severely Caned - Are you serious?

Skins:
Virus - 4
FJ - 3
Severely Caned - Whatever.

TOTAL POINTS
Virus - 29
FJ - 27
SC - 10

As you can see it will take a Keanu-Reeves-Oscar-type-miracle for the Miami boy too come close in this one which is exactly why we've decided, that since the season is spiralling to a close and two weeks have gone undocumented for W&J, that bowl season this year will be DOUBLE OR NOTHING. That's right, the points will fly and anyone and everyone has a decent shot of closing the gap this December. But until then, there's still two more weeks of regular season football, and you can bet that we're back in the mix, drink in hand, to bring you all the greatest football commentary and lude and juvenile dick jokes. Abandon your friends, sleep with your girlfriend's best friend, grab a drink, an join us...you useless fuck.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

2006-10-19T20:20:00.000-05:00

WEEK 8 PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS

SWEET DANCING ANN COULTERS MY INTERNET ACTUALLY CONNECTED! Apologies for the late post here guys but “technical difficulties” and the speedy reliable internet services of Third Reich Communications, or Charter as you might know them, have teamed up to try and get me to break a window with my bare hands. You know if it weren’t for the fact that this box provides so many enjoyable pictures of young women, jumper cables, and the 1984 Chicago Blackhawks line-up having a little good ol’ American fun, then I’d probably trade this fucking useless thing in for some pork rinds and 24 ounce Icehouse right about now. But anyway....FUCK IT! LETS GET TO IT!

Georgia Tech @ Clemson. This is probably one of the best match-ups in the last three weeks as far as i’m concerned. These guys both have explosive offenses and utilize a lot of weapons. It aint too shabby on defense either people, I mean we’re talking the number 6 run defense in the country, Clemson, against the number 7 run defense in the country, Georgia Tech. Ohhhhhh I think I just peed a little. Here’s the kicker in this one though, Tech has shown that when they build a slight lead they tend to get a little too conservative and ignore their deep threat Johnson. Virginia Tech was making a decent comeback that was halted by the Jacket defense and I STILL contend that Tech should have won that game against Notre Dame they just got too pussy on play calling once they started to inch ahead. Clemson on the other hand can play fourth quarter football, pulling out shockers against Wake Forest and Florida State with their last minute heroics. I think i’ve made the comment that I would never pick against Georgia Tech if they played an away game against a ranked team but if there’s one thing i’ve learned over the last two or three years it’s that I would NEVER follow my advice. Clemson takes this game but doesn’t cover the large spread here. Expect a shoot-out and another fourth quarter explosion by the Tigers that leaves Reggie Ball in a Montell-esque “My thirteen year old is out of control” tantrum and seals the loss for the Ramblin’ Wreck. Tigers Win, Jackets Cover.

Texas @ Nebraska. The battle of the tractor-fuckers starring Roadhouse extra-Colt McCoy. How come this rivalry doesn’t come with a gay menstraul metaphor name like the Oklahoma/Texas game? While Nebraska has been holding on for their Big 12 life, Colt McCoy has been practicing his line dancing and writing fan letters to Big and Rich on the sidelines waiting for a decent competitor. If this was playing itself out in Texas then It would be a laughably easy pick but since it’s in Nebraska I’m a little more skeptical to just throw the bone to Texas and walk here. I mean Nebraska has looked mediocre at best, just inching their way through a couple of easy games AND the huskers are still desoerate for respect after getting donkey punched by the still unconvincing Trojans buttt.....well who the fuck am I kidding, Nebraska won’t win this and they sure as hell won’t stop a 7 point spread. Texas holds off another redemption push by Nebraska. Texas wins and covers.

Iowa @ Michigan. Jesus, it’s absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to pick an upset this week. Iowa screwed me royally and might be one of the most dissapointing teams, besides my own boys to hit the field this season. For the life of me I can’t find out whether or not Manningham is back or not but once I did a little research, I figured out how little that matters against a defense that could be roughly compared to a special olympics red rover team. The hawkeyes have given up 400 yards to their opponents in four straight games which isn’t that horrible a stat with two of the teams being Ohio State and Purdue (the other being Indiana which as a side note also gained 160 yards on the ground against the Hawkeyes) but it’s a damning stat when you’re walking into the Big House. Call me conservative but I’m not retarted enough to go with Iowa here. BUT, Michigan did fail to cover a small spread against Penn State and so I’m not going to give them the cover love. Michigan Wins, Iowa Covers.

Shit, I just realize it’s getting late and I got shit to do today so the rest of these games get to go in the LIGHTNING ROUND! Bobby Bowden is creepy. Plain and simple. If he wasn’t a head coach he’s be dressing up like a clown and murdering male hookers. FSU’s glory days are OVER, yeah you heard it, O-V-E-R. Bowden is pulling an Aerosmith and annoying the last few fans he has left by dragging himself through these last couple of miserable seasons. FSU might just have the worst offense of any team in the ACC or the league (cough...Georgia...cough cough) for that matter. Boston College keeps proving me wrong day in and day out so If you can’t beat em’, root for em’ when they play bowden that’s what I always say. Boston College spanks Bowden at home.

Alabama @ Tennessee. Man I want to pick Alabama. Alabama may be the one team in the SEC that doesn’t turn my stomach and for some odd reason I always have a soft spot for the Crimson Tide. Sadly this game is in Knoxville and Tennessee is rolling. Only if Eric Ainge has a horrible hair bleaching incident before the game and Robert Meachem gets a raging case of the West Bangkok clap can Alabama even pray to have a shot against these boys. Bama couldn’t get to the QB if Fulmer himself sat solo on the offensive line and sadly that’s the only way you’re going to topple these guys right now. The Hillbilly Warriors roll over the Crimson Tide and covers the spread easily.

Rutgers @ Pitt. Drill holes in my dick and play it like a french horn. I have no idea what to think about either of these teams and could live the rest of my life not caring honestly. I know Virus is on the Palco bandwagon and honestly, when it comes to this sort of shit...The Virus Knows! I wish the spread was a little higher because then I’d just go for a cover shot but unfortunately it aint. But since our picks are pretty much the same down the line and this is one of the few games I know absolutely nothing about, I’ll go ahead and throw out an upset here. This game goes to the still undefeated....um....Rutgerians? What the hell is their team name anyway? How about the Rutgers Fighting Pube Cannons. I like that. I’ll bill you later.

As for the other games? Georgia couldn’t cover the spread if they were playing the midnight shift at Burger King right now. Granted it’s Mississippi State and the only way that sorry bunch knows how to get to the stadium is to follow the noose trailing from Sylvester Croom’s neck. YEAH I SAID IT! PLUS HE’S BLACK! Leave it to a Mississippi State fan to start throwing the racist card whenever people talk bad about their miserable coach. I don’t give a shit if the guy was one of those tripod aliens from War of the Worlds he still couldn’t coach his way to a pee wee league championship. Jesus at least we suck it up and accept when our team plays lousy. Go watch soccer or something you pansy. You know what Georgia puts up 30 points on Croom’s boys and at halftime they all jam plastic forks in their eyeholes and STILL cover the spread. Fuck Mississippi State.

Vanderbilt aint good folks, we’re just that bad. South Carolina’s new quarterback is scary and he’ll have a standout game in this one. Easy cover.

I got me a baseball championship game to watch fellers. See you next week.

2006-10-19T12:36:00.000-05:00

WEEK 8 RALPHVIRUS PICKS AND PREDICTIONS

I feel like crap today so this is going to be short and sweet.

1) I want to take GT so bad in this game that it hurts. They own Clemson over the last decade, but Clemson hasn't had an offense like they have now probably ever. They are the #1 scoring offense in college football, and that's after playing teams like Wake Forest, Florida State, and Boston College. Tech has a really good defense, but I think Clemson rolls at home. Gimme Clemson and the points.

2) Texas is only getting 7 at Nebraska? There must be something about Nebraska that's invisible to me. I don't care if he is a freshman QB in Lincoln, Colt McCoy and co. get this one done. If they can beat Oklahoma by 18, they can easily beat Nebraska by 7. Texas and the points.

3) Iowa at Michigan. I have no idea if Manningham is healthy, and I don't know if it matters. Iowa is coming off a horrendous loss to Indiana, and still can't get their offense or defense started. They've been treading water all season and Michigan has looked consistently good. I'm afraid they're going to get too conservative on offense to cover that spread, but in the big house, with or without Manningham I'll go with Big Blue for the win and cover (noticing a trend yet?)

4) I have no idea on this one. Normally you'd never bet against Bobby Bowden in the swamp, but FSU still has no offense, and their defense is too undisciplined to stop a methodical attack like BC. Plus I'm tired of BC screwing me when I pick against them. Double jinx in effect, but I'll take BC on the road here.

5) I can't figure Alabama out. Brody Croyle wasn't good enough to lead them to a 13-1 or whatever it was record last year, and their defense was good, but not THAT good. They hung with Florida, and just pulled one out against Duke. Meanwhile, Tennessee is playing like a team possessed right now, and as long as Erik Ainge can stay on his feet and find those insanely talented receivers, I don't know if they can be stopped. I know this is old school SEC rivalry, but Bama just isn't very good this year, and in Neyland stadium, Tennessee takes the game and covers.

6) Rutgers has been moving the ball with a powerful rushing attack and a stout defense. Lately, Pitt has been lighting up every defense they've come across. QB Palko's line? 70.8% completions, 17 TD, 3 INT, 4 sacks, 1661 yards for a rating of 188.59, 60 points higher than his rating last year. Heisman frontrunner Troy Smith's rating? 172.75. Wow. I keep calling for Rutgers to finally lose because I lost the first ever bet I placed on them, and here I think I might get my wish. Pitt gets the win and there's no way a rushing attack can keep up with the kind of numbers Palko is putting up right now, so Pitt takes the points too.

Yes, I took all favorites and their lines. Kentucky taught me a lesson last week, and it's that I don't know shit about picking upsets, so I'm staying with my strengths. And if I was a gambling man, I'd bet every nickel I had on South Carolina this weekend, because Vanderbilt is getting too much credit for their win in Athens. Georgia played a miserable game, and Spurrier has the Gamecocks clicking right now with Syvelle Newton at QB. I know the game's in Nashville, but there is no home field advantage for Vanderbilt. That stadium is like a high school stadium. Likewise, I can't believe UGA is getting 18 against Mississippi State. I hope UGA just wins this one, because I don't know if there's anybody else on the schedule I feel good about facing. But after you lose to Vanderbilt at home, you probably shouldn't be an almost 3 TD favorite the next week unless you're playing a IAA team. Then again, it is Mississippi State.

Final interesting line, the Miami/Duke game opened at Miami -20. After the 13 suspensions, the line only moved to -17. Wow. Way to crack down there Miami. I guess I shouldn't use the word "crack" too much if Miami fans are reading.

2006-10-18T07:37:00.000-05:00

WEEK 8 - GAMES AND LINES

Well, since it doesn't look like people want to debate anything, let's just get right to the games this week. It's rebound week for a lot of schools, and there are surprisingly, quite a few good matchups this week. So on to the games. I'm going with 6 this week since we only got 4 last week:

1) Georgia Tech at Clemson (-7.5)
2) Texas (-7) at Nebraska
3) Iowa at Michigan (-13)
4) Boston College at Florida State (Pk...for the gambling impaired, the line is zero, so if you pick the winner, you hit the line too...so you either get 2 or 0 for this one)
5) Alabama at Tennessee -(11.5)
6) Rutgers at Pittsburgh (-6.5)

I was tempted to use the Notre Dame and UCLA game to get back at Jeezy for throwing Michigan State in the mix a few weeks ago, but bygones are bygones, and the 'Bama Tennessee rivalry intrigues me more. The Thursday night game this week is garbage (North Carolina and Virginia? Jesus) and there are few intriguing lines, but here's some for thought:

South Carolina (-3.5) at Vanderbilt
Georgia (-18) at Mississippi State
Wisconsin (-6) at Purdue

For now points stay the same, with the exception being if you don't get your picks in by kickoff of the Thursday night game, you get docked 1 point. One of us has missed every deadline so far, so there's not much mystery who this is aimed at.

2006-10-17T13:41:00.000-05:00

WEEKLY TOPIC THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN EVERY WEEK

I think the Jeezy made his point about the Miami/FIU brawl pretty clearly and concisely, and I agree with him about almost all his points, but this is something that I feel is starting to spiral out of control in college football, and that's the lack of respect that the opponents seem to have for one another. This is Miami's THIRD situation in their last 5 games going back to last year's bowl game. There is something seriously wrong in Miami right now, but is it fair for us to limit it to them? So here are a few points and I'd like some insight from everybody on.

1) What should the punishments be for each team? Coach? Player? University?

2) Is this a problem mostly with the Florida teams, namely Miami, Florida State and to a lesser extent, Florida, or is this something you can draw parallels to in other conferences?

3) What's the root cause here? Are these kids being drilled in practice to carry this thuggish attitude and "swagger" around, or is this something they're coming into the program with and the coach is doing a bad job of instilling the value of sportsmanship into them? Is it the players or the coach or some combination that's at fault here?

4) Given what's going on in the NFL with the emphasis shifting from the team to the individual (you can't have a team celebration after a touchdown, but you can do whatever you want to show up the other team or glorify yourself), is it any wonder these kids are beginning to act like this?

5) If your team did this, would you even be able to walk out in public wearing their gear without feeling some sort of shame?

This isn't a test, so you don't have to answer all 5 questions, but they're starters for a discussion here. My first response will be in the comments. John, I'm serious when I say I'm very interested to get your input.

2006-10-17T08:21:00.000-05:00

WEEK 7 POINTS - I KNOW ALL THERE IS TO KNOW ABOUT THE CRYING SHAME

After a 3 day drinking binge, the Jeez returns with the tally of the heartbreaking week that left all three of us here shaking our collective heads and hiding our team shirts under jackets (thank god for fall). Let's get to what everyone wants to know. Vanderbilt...I'm going to make this short because I don't enjoy vomiting in my own mouth as much as people would think. Georgia is hurting right now and I think it's about time for Richt to start cleaning house. Martinez has to go, our defense is a far cry from the dominating, intimidating red wave they used to be and one sack of the Vanderbilt quarterback (they did get one didn't they?) is just not acceptable. Maybe if they got some of those RIDICULOUS mohawk haircuts they might scare a high school team or two but that's about the best they can hope for. If there's one thing I've learned since I've been a football fan it's this...conservative football does not breed champions, it may keep a number next to your team's name but that's not what we're going for here. When you give up big air plays to one of the laughing stocks of the SEC, not to mention allowing a 4th and 5 to be converted with a game on the line that never should have been that close to begin with there are problems that need to be addressed. The plus side (wince)? Now's the time to throw Stafford in as starter for the rest of the season. The SEC is out of reach and we're one victory away from a bowl game with Miss. St. coming up next week. It's time Stafford got in there for four quarters, got his ass kicked, got frustrated, make himself a leader to the boys standing in the huddle next to him and figure out a way to win. He needs confidence desperately right now and the boys around him need to be able to believe that he's going to lead them to the endzone instead of the sideline when he starts barking out commands. Also, he needs to get a first hand look at Florida, Auburn, AND Georgia Tech because these are three teams that are going to haunt his dreams for the next four years as a Georgia Bulldawg. I don't expect him to win any of those games this year, but sometimes the best experience is a good ass kicking at the hands of better teams.

Next off. Miami. I don't have a lot to say about this incident that has been reiterated 20 times an hour on ESPN so I'll make this short. The shit was ridiculous and disgusting. The way I see it, it's an HONOR to wear that sticker on the side of your helmet. You haven't proven yourself just by getting to walk out on the field, you prove yourself every step you take on that field for every year you spend at that university . In the case of my boys, it's a fucking privilege to wear that G on the side of your head and to rip through that banner between the hedges (not that they're playing like it). You represent yourself, a 90 thousand seat stadium full of proud fans, the history of your program, and an entire nation of fans across the country with your as well as other team logos on their chest. Coker has lost control of his team and needs to go. Not only that but half that group of spoiled little thug wannabes need to be completely cut from the program and trade in their helmet for a paper waffle house hat. Then maybe they'll appreciate the game we love so much.

Now to the points. One again the Caned one has failed to turn in his points which might have been a better week to do it since it was more or less an 8 point week after I fucked up and forgot that Virginia Tech/Boston College was a thursday night game. I missed the call by a long shot anyway so that game is scratched. I'm up for a debate on whether or not the entire week should be scrapped and forgotten but until I hear a good reason, here they are.

#2 Florida - 10 @ #11 Auburn - 27. The one time in my life I've ever cheered for Tuberville and hopefully the last. Plenty of Chris Leak hitting the dirt and angry Urban Meyer. Beautiful. Now ranked #4 in the BCS poll behind a struggling USC team that will fall to either Oregon or Cal if not both, and a Michigan team that has to take on the #1 Buckeyes at home at the end of their season, Auburn looks poised to finish out their schedule and cruise into a championship game this year. Anyway, both of us called this one.

FJ - 2 RV - 2 SC - 0

Michigan - 17 @ Penn State - 10. Both of us called the wolves to take it and both called for the points BUT, Penn State decided to push at the last second sooooo.

FJ - 3 RV - 3 SC - 0

USC - 28 @ Arizona State - 21. Man USC just can't put anybody away anymore. A close when at Sun Devil Stadium and a last minute cover killer.

FJ - 5 RV - 4 SC - 0

Kentucky - 0 @ LSU - 49. What the hell happened to that tough wildcat team that gave the gators a run for their money for three quarters? You know what, I don't care if it's unorthodox, i'm DONATING my point to the Virus for making this "fuck-it" award nominated pick of the season.

FJ - 5 RV - 5 SC - 0

So the brothers share a skin this week and a heartcrushing defeat. I'm going to go start drinking again.

Total Points:

RV - 23
FJ - 21
SC - 10

Skins:

RV - 3
FJ - 2
SC - 0

Just as a side note. Can someone PLEASE tell Tony Korheisenweimershmidt how ridiculous he looks? That dude looks like he belongs more in a depression-era soup line with a hole in his shoe then he does sitting in a Monday Night Football booth. Did they find this guy throwing sawdust on vomit in the men's restroom at Giants Stadium or some shit? I hate that guy. Whatever.

2006-10-16T14:50:00.000-05:00

WHEN IT RAINS......

First we lose Brandon Coutu, who probably hits that seal-the-game FG against Vanderbilt, but spilt milk and all that...now RB Brown is out for the season with a torn ACL. If there's one place there's depth, it's at RB, but still. This just is starting to feel like a sucker punch year.

At least we didn't stomp a mudhole in a nobody university and proceed to beat the living daylights out of them with our helmets, our crutches (!) and then stomp on them while they're down for no particular reason.

God, what a year. I'd really like to hear John's honest take on that brawl at some point, since he doesn't appear to be making picks anymore. How do you support a team that behaves like that? I'm not being mean, I seriously want to know.

2006-10-16T07:33:00.000-05:00

THIS IS NOT A FUNNY POST...REALLY

The Jeezy and I were talking on the phone the other day about how people seem surprised when they find out we're sports fans, and they end up asking us why we like things like football. Jeezy and I aren't your typical all-american kinds of kids. We listen to weird music, we hang out with "different" sorts of people, we're both, in our own way, artistic personality types, we dress funny, we don't cut our hair for months at a time, and in my case, I'm a bespectacled nerd. We're not at all what you would consider to be an "average" guy. Neither of us would ever be invited to join a fraternity, and I've only been to 3 bars in my entire life.

So why, they ask, do you like sports? It's such a typical dude sort of thing to do, and for the most part, neither of you act like "dudes" as such. And while Jeezy was running down his reasons, they lined up almost point for point with mine. Sports are unpredictable, unlike almost everything else on TV or in movies right now. Each sport brings its own strategies along, and its own necessary ways to analyze it, which draws me in from a scientific standpoint. There's a unique sort of psychology to the athelete that you don't see anywhere else except on the field (or in some specific cases, during press conferences).

But the number one reason we watch sports is escapism. One way or the other, whoever wins or loses the game doesn't affect anything outside the insulated world of sports. If the worst team beats the best team, a fissure doesn't open in the earth and swallow the stadium whole. There aren't any matters of worldly importance hanging in the balance, unless you're a gambler, and then it's kind of your own fault for making sure there's a reason you're miserable while watching a game.

I bring this up, because it's important on several levels. People die every day. That's a fact. But when a baseball player crashes his plane into a building, SportsCenter can't get enough of showing the flight map, the burned out buildings, the spectators, and Jeremy Schaap doesn't hesitate to tell us that the Lidle family can't even go to their own home for the media camped out there, presumably himself included. Part of our escapist world has been intruded on by reality, and ESPN clings for dear life to this scrap of reality until it begins to make me wonder where I can go now to get away from this, and I end up watching Spongebob for 8 hours because I LIVE in the world, and sometimes I need to get away from it. I wish they'd leave these stories to CNN and spend more time on sports instead of human interest stories.

Secondly, the Miami brawl was brutal and horrifying to watch. How many times do we need to see Miami players swinging helmets at unprotected FIU players and stomping guys on the ground? And in all seriousness, if you heard there was a huge brawl on the field this weekend, the first two places that would have jumped to mind were Miami and FSU. Those players have always acted like that, to the point where they fight each other on and off the field (and if you throw Florida in that mix, well, you could fill a few DVDs with the brawls between those teams). The problem was that ESPN seemed to just show the footage for shock value. Today is Monday, 2 days after the fact, and I saw it again in the 5 minutes I watched SportsCenter. So once again, while trying to escape the realities of the world, sports draws me back in by showing how terrible people can be to one another, so I watched Saved by the Bell instead.

The final event was the Vanderbilt loss by Georgia. As a fan, it was a crushing loss, and it hurt. And I started to think about why I have so much invested in a team full of guys I've never met from a school I was miserable at for 3 years. Why do I care so much if this is supposed to be a way for me to escape the world for a little while? I mean, I have plenty of things in my life that make me unhappy or that make me worry, so why would I add this trivial competition into my life as an extra factor that can make me more unhappy or anxious? I mean, that loss is going to ruin the rest of my season. Georgia can win out and beat Florida by 50, and that loss to Vanderbilt is going to be the thing I can't get over. Why do I do this to myself?

I think it's because there's another part of sports that is more important than the escape from the world they provide, and that's the sense of community and the link that you have with other fans of your team. It's the passion that rooting for a team can cause in you, the way it can make you jump up and down and scream in front of people who've never heard you say a word. I guess all of this is related to the point about it being unpredictable: if Georgia blocks that field goal, or causes a fumble, then I'm cautiously elated instead of horrendously depressed. But it's also knowing that you're not the only person living and dying with the flight of that ball, that there's this invisible link between all the fans of a given team. And that's even more important now that I live in Boston. If I see someone with a UGA hat or shirt or vanity plate on their car, I can talk to them, because we have this same passion, and we can provide a bridge back to our homes 1000 miles south of us in our shared support of the team that we just can't help pulling for.

That Georgia loss was brutal, and it was embarrassing to watch, and every member of the Bulldog nation knows it. But despite that, and despite the fact that our escape made us feel worse than the world we were trying to get away from, none of the true fans threw their shirts in the garbage or burned their hats or jerseys or threw out their face paint. Sports is an escape, but it's an escape from the horrors and tragedies of life, and that's why the relentless coverage of the Corey Lidle crash, the TO suicide watch and the Miami brawl are unwelcome intrusions in this sphere of our lives. Losing to Vanderbilt is not a tragedy, and all of us fans will live to root all those players on again, no matter how many times they break our hearts. We'll just change the channel when they show the highlights in their "we told you so" voices, knowing that there are still chances this year to be on the other side of the upset. Our faith in them may waver, but our hope never will.

2006-10-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

WEEK 7 PICKS RALPHVIRUS

Well, shit son you don't give people much notice, do you? 5:30 in the afternoon? I've got a life at home. I do this shit at work man, unless something really funny occurs to me, then I post it here. Who can count how many times that's happened? I thought so. Fuck, what a depressing spread. It's too late for either of us to pick the BC vs VT game, but since you fucked that one up so bad, I guess it doesn't matter and it's zeros all around. Again. Goddamn I'm glad I don't have any money on this shit. I'm ahead in the standings and I still feel like a retarded monkey flinging his shit at two different mascots. Well, the novacaine has kicked in, so let's start drilling:

1)Florida at Auburn. Man, I have no idea where to go with this one. On the one hand, it's on the Plains. On the other, Florida has won 8 of the last 9 against Auburn. On the first hand again, Auburn just got embarassed by Arkansas and will have revenge on their mind, and Florida may have a little letdown in them after thumping LSU (and that LSU defense may have done some damage to that offense that we aren't aware of yet...Tuberville said LSU beat his team up so bad they weren't 100% 3 weeks after the game). But this is like choosing between your uncle that raped you and your other uncle who drowned your puppy when you were 6. You don't just want them both to die, you want some huge guy with a black leather mask on named Butch to shove a Louisville Slugger studded with nails up each of their rectums. I WANT to say Florida is in a zone right now, but I just can't pick them. Auburn wins and takes the 2 point spread as well.

2) Michigan at Penn State. AGH. Mario Manningham pretty much was the Michigan offense (and yes, YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST) and without him, they have some talent, but nobody whose stood out or lived up to anywhere near their potential (you listening Steve Breaston?). Mike Hart is the prototypical Michigan running back who rarely breaks one over 20 yards, but kills you will endless 5 yard runs. I'm not sure what Jeezy means by Morelli having these 100 yard games since he's the QB...is it an accomplishment at Penn State to throw for 100 yards in a game, or is JoePa running an option with Morelli now? I guess I'd try to get him to throw it as little as possible too. PSU makes too many mistakes and is too sloppy on both sides of the ball. Michigan is playing like the fucking Terminator right now and dismantling their opponents in the most boring to watch way possible. Michigan takes this one in Happy Valley and takes the points too.

3) VT at BC. BC 22 - VT 3. What do I win? (A note here: What the fuck happened to Virginia Tech? They used to be one of the scariest teams to play in all of football, and now they can't put up more than 3 on BC? And how did BC beat Clemson? Clemson threw up 63 last night (I know, against Temple). Does everybody realize that BC might win the ACC and go to a BCS game? How is this ok? Wasn't adding Miami and VT and BC supposed to strengthen the ACC instead of turning it into a bunch of cupcakes? Now it's just like the old Big East, but with GT and FSU involved. This conference just confuses the fuck out of me).

4) Arizona State at USC. Perhaps the battle of the two most overhyped programs in the Pac-10 before the year started. Somebody on ESPN (Mark May perhaps? I don't know, most of the stupid shit that comes from that network comes out of his mouth) said Az St. would be a TOP 5 TEAM BY THE END OF THE YEAR. I wish I was joking. Really. I do. But someone who was paid to talk about and study college football actually said that. On the air. And it looks like USC finally got the memo that defense was optional, but frowned on in the Pac-10 and dropped that from practice sessions. I think Cal may lay 80 on them later this year. Oh hell. A pick. USC obviously wins this one in Pasadena aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnndddd......fuck, they cover too since Arizona State can't score on anybody and has been blasted 3 weeks in a row.

5)Kentucky at LSU. Boy are we reaching here. Kentucky is going to surprise somebody this year, and I'm just praying it's not Georgia. I'm going to give my reasoning before my pick so people don't start throwing tomatoes yet. Les Miles is not a good coach. He's not a good motivator. Les Miles is exactly the kind of coach who can't pick his team up after a crushing loss, and he's going to underestimate Kentucky. UK can score, and they can score in bunches. Their strategy is basically throw it deep and let one of those lanky receivers catch it and run. They played Florida within 19, and it was closer than that for most of the game. You ready kids? Kentucky pulls this one out in Baton Rouge. I'm staring at the words and can't believe I said them, and can already hear my phone ringing tonight, but look out for the Wildcats. They are a lot better than people think.

A few under the radar games: Look out in that Rutgers vs Navy game. Navy has a really solid team, and Rutgers hasn't been tested yet this year. In Annapolis, Navy knocks Rutgers out of the top 25. 6-0 Mizzou gets a test against 5-1 Tx A&M. Wait, no they don't. Tx A&M hasn't played shit. Mizzou cruises. The biggest game in the Big 12 this year may be Mizzou and Texas. Yikes. 4-1 UCLA and 4-1 Oregon. UCLA's starting QB is out, the Ducks roll here in Autzen Stadium and take their frustrations from last weeks beat down out on the Bruins.

And a quick thought. How is Oklahoma still ranked? Pollsters, they LOST that game with Oregon. LOST. LOST. It is in in the LOSS column. They're 3-2 and still ranked? I'd understand if they were competetive against Texas, but they were never that close in that game, and got busted up by a freshman QB. Oklahoma is not very good. Please, say it with me, OKLAHOMA IS NOT THAT GOOD, AND SHOULD NOT BE IN THE TOP 25 WITH 2 LOSSES.

How many people in the media do you think Bob Stoops had to blow to stay ranked this week? Over or under the number of points West Virginia dropped on Mississippi State? But let's be nice to our less fortunate SEC brethren. They get Jacksonville State this week, and might pull it off with a 4th Quarter field goal. I'm not gonna say it, but you all know I'm thinking it.

2006-10-12T17:03:00.000-05:00

WEEK 7 PICKS - FOOTBALL JESUS

Here we go again with yet another week of lackluster showdowns and yawn-inspiring competition. My picks are already on the line of lateness so I’m just going to go ahead and sideline the frills and just go straight for the picks. LETS GET TO IT.

#2 Florida @ #11 Auburn. Yet again the bookie-gods have spoiled what I was sure would be my upset pick of the week by throwing the line to the Auburn Tigers. Yes the same Auburn Tigers who just got embarassed at home by the Arkansas Razorbacks. Yes against the same Florida team who just cock-punched the Bayou Bengals to the tune of around 2 touchdowns. Sigh. I have to agree with the line on this one sadly. Auburn is humiliated and furious right now and if there’s one team I’d rather not ever have to face, it’s a pissed of Tuberville squad at home. Not even that 8 foot tall retarted farm boy Tebow is going to be able to save the Gators in this one. The Gator Nation crashes and burns quicker than Cory Lidl....too soon? Whatever. Noone reads this anyway. Auburn wins and covers.

#4 Michigan @ Penn State. Sweet Jesus I want to pick Penn State for this one. With Michigan’s deep threat silenced by knee surgery I don’t have much faith in their offense to put up big numbers like they have been the last couple of weeks. Especially considering that Manningham is already responsible for 9 touchdowns and damn near 600 yards this season?! (a point which the virus brought to my attention) The only thing that stops me from making this call is Michigan’s rock solid defense and Penn State’s lack of offense. Granted Jopa’s boy Morelli has racked up 4 straight 100 yard plus games thus far but that ends against Big Blue’s line. Michigan picks up the slack left by Manningham with their defense and force the Lions into costly turnovers. Michigan takes this game and covers their spread.

#17 Virginia Tech @ #25 Boston College. Virginia Tech has once again been exposed as the overrated threat of the ACC and Boston College for reasons no sane person should even try to wrap their head around has managed to squeak their way to 4-1 and is pushing for an ACC championship. Virginia Tech was given a slight squeaker of a line in this one which is suprising considering how atrocious BC’s defense has looked as of late. VT shouldn’t have a hard time tossing the ball around against the Golden Eagle’s 109th ranked pass defense. Shit who cares, Virginia Tech wins and covers.

Arizona State @ #3 USC. That’s right folks we’ve hit the point in our program when all games cease to be even slightly interesting. If you have a significant other, these games would be the time to ask how her day was and look interested, you probably won’t miss much. Who knows you might even get a handjob before half-time. Arizona State, the cum dumpsters of the Pac-10, have yet to do me right yet so as much as I hate to pick USC and spoil yet another possible upset pick....I gots to. USC has been played close as of late so in the end I think USC beats up on Arizona State but doesn’t cover their monstrous spread.

Kentucky @ LSU. Are you bored to fucking tears yet? You should be. This is literally the best I could do. Of course LSU wins this game, but by 26 points? I don’t think so. Kentucky covers the spread.

Yeah I know I’m playing it safe and I didn’t really pick up any upsets this week but it’s kinda hard not to with a line up like this. If the points weren’t on the line I think I’d probably go with Penn State and Boston College just out of desperation that something interesting would happen this weekend, but that aint the case. Plus everytime I go upset crazy I get raped in the points by these vultures. I wish I’d have had time to write more jokes but I gots shit to do. Do your worst boys.

2006-10-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

WEEK 7 LINES

Anybody? Anybody? Ok it's on me again and time is of the essence so here are the 5 point games and the line. I don't have time to look for any pride games and honestly it was hard enough finding 5 point games worth paying attention to so comment on whatever the hell you feel like.

#2 Florida @ #11 Auburn - Auburn -2

#4 Michigan @ Penn State - Michigan -7

#17 Virginia Tech @ #25 Boston College - Virginia Tech -2.5

Arizona State @ #3 USC - USC -19.5

Kentucky @ #18 LSU - LSU -26

2006-10-10T11:29:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 POINTS AND REVIEW

As far as I'm concerned week 6 never happened. But for the sake of points and since it's the first time that things didn't go haywire for me (points wise) in the 4th quarter here are the scores.

Florida 23 LSU 10 - God I hate Tim Tebow. Noone called this right. Goose Eggs down the line.
RV - 0 FJ - 0 CO - 0

Michigan 31 Michigan State 10 - Yet another game that everyone called right down the line. Michigan State far from covered the spread. I'm with the virus, Michigan State is officially out of the points race. Unless they hit a bowl game. Which would be hilarious.
RV - 1 FJ - 1 CO - 1

California 45 Oregon 24 - For the first time Cal actually treats me right in the points. Virus and I called this one, but Caned One went for the ducks and got stomped.
RV - 3 FJ - 3 CO - 1

Texas 28 Oklahoma 10 - Red River who gives a fuckathon. Again. Everyone called this. Right down the line. Jesus.
RV - 5 FJ - 5 CO - 3

Iowa 47 Purdue 17 - The only game that Virus and I called differently and it happened to fall in my favor giving me my first skin in the last three weeks. We're going to have to figure out a new point system or else we're all going to have to get a lot more ballsy. This week was boring. Fuck Phil Fulmer.
RV - 6 FJ - 7 CO - 5

Total Standings:
Ralph Virus - 18
Football Jesus - 16
Severely Caned - 10

Skins:
Ralph Virus - 2
Football Jesus - 1
Severely Caned - 0

Fuck Phil Fulmer. Fuck Urban Meyer too, I hope we beat the shit out of you overrated panda scrotums. Sigh. Bitter.

2006-10-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 PRELIMINARY RECAP

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

COUNT EM UP BITCHES. DAMMIT.

2006-10-06T13:33:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 PICKS -The Caned One

Man am I having a stressful two weeks. I know these picks are late, but I have three mid-terms to study for, and it looks like my gambling prowess is not a lucrative solution to my flat wallet syndrome. I watched the game last night and man was I glad to see FSU lose, but I'm sure everyone knew that without saying. I'm only calling the point games because I have to get back to aimlessly turning pages in my accounting book.

Texas @ Oklahoma I don't honestly know what to say here about this one. I watched the sooner's secondary get blasted by Oregon, and their run D doesn't strike fear in the hearts of opponents. Texas QB is no Vince Young either. If the Texas O line controls the line of scrimmage allowing a run game and pocket time, it will take more than Mr.Peterson for the sooner's to match them point for point. Texas will win this one, and cover the point spread.

LSU @ Florida I'm assuming that DeShawn Wynn is going to be in street clothes, and that means peace out to the UF run game. Not like LSU has much to brag about in that area either though. That leaves the scoring in the hands of the QB and whose secondary falls on their face. Florida's looks good, remember the Tennessee game? I like Russell's chances, even though he's on the road. LSU wins.

Michigan State @ Michigan I'm laughing at the virus on this one. MSU seems golden one minute and truly horrible the next. I never underestimate them, but after watching them give away the game to ND in the end. I can't get behind them with confidence. I think MSU has the tools to play the game close, but lacks the ability to finish it. Michigan wins this one, but not by 17 points.

Oregon @ California So its the Ducks again this week. Honestly these are two teams I'm scant on knowledge of and in light of my lack of free time right now I'll just blindly pick this one.. Peace out to Cal, I'm going with the ducks to piss of some more people. Oregon wins.

Purdue @ Iowa Iowa all the way, and they cover the spread.

Yeah Yeah Yeah I know it was short and ugly, but its better to be half assed then not to show up right? As for th UGA game I'm not saying shit since I don't want to jinx the works, but GO DAWGS. I can't believe I'm sweating the UNC @ UM game.. we really suck. I'm going back to my Studies, I won't even be watching the games this weekend, I just don't have time. Three Mid-terms in as many days is just plain fucked up.

2006-10-05T12:39:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 PICKS RALPH VIRUS EAT SHIT YOU FUCKER

Man no discussion this week about the games or anything. And Fuck You very much for throwing Michigan State in the mix this week. I'm going to close my eyes, think of a color, look out the window, and then pull something out of my ass BECAUSE PICKING THEM MAKES ME SICK. Seriously. Eat shit. I'm going to start calling for the Notre Dame games to count double. Don't push me man, I'M A MOTHERFUCKING TIME BOMB. Now that we've established my insanity defense for whatever happens on Saturday in my apartment between the hours of 7:45 and 11 pm, on with the PICKS OF THE CHAMPION. I'm guessing we're doing 6 games this week? Or just the 5 on Saturday and the Thursday game for the hell of it, as usual? WE NEED TO COMMUNICATE PEOPLE. ONLY TWO OF YOU LIVE TOGETHER, IN A GAY WAY. Last week I was racist, this week homophobic. Look out people, it only gets worse from here.

FSU and NC State. God. I'm going to watch this tonight because there's shit else on, but I'll probably be asleep by halftime. I find it laughable that FSU is getting 10.5 on the road, when I'm not sure they're even capable of putting up 11 points. NC State burned me against BC, so I'll never go against the family again. NC State covers this easily at home, and I think pulls the upset here, unless Chris Weinke and Deion Sanders and Warrick Dunn parachute into the stadium and suit up for a quarter. Otherwise, NC State by a field goal, 6-3. This game is going to suck.

Texas and Oklahoma. THE RED RIVER RIVALRY BABY! NO, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. I GUESS THERE'S A RIVER ROUND HERE SOMEWHERE CALLED RED, CAUSE THERE AIN'T NO RIVERS COLORED RED. THAT'S DONE GOT ME FLUMMOXED. Oklahoma rebounded nicely against Middle Tennessee State (ahem), but Texas is too talented all over for this Oklahoma team. That QB at Oklahoma is borderline awful, and becomes a walking catastrophe when put under pressure. Anybody wanna guess what Texas is going to be able to do to him? He throws 3-6 INTs in this one, and though Jeezy's buddy Colt (who the FUCK is Wes Hightower?) throws a few of his own, Texas contains Adrian Peterson which proves to be the difference. When both of these teams are really good, it's a low scoring defensive struggle. When one team has the advantage at nearly every position, it's generally a rout. I say Texas is more talented almost across the board and takes this one straight up and by an embarrassing score. They easily cover the 5.5 line.

LSU at Florida. This is the most ridiculous line I've ever seen. I really won't waste time with analysis, because it's pointless. Here's what's going to happen. The LSU defense eats Chris Leak for breakfast, and when they bring Tebow in for a "change of pace," LSU gives him a concussion. The Florida defense is quick, and Jamarcus Russell struggles in big games, but I think they have plenty of offense to counter a Florida offense that's going to be rocking back and forth with their thumbs in their mouths after the reaming they get. LSU wins big and easily.

Michigan State at Michigan. Seriously, FUCK YOU. Ok, here's what I have. I have John L. Smith, MSU head coach, saying the players are practicing the way they played in the Illinois game, meaning like they don't give a shit. He says he can't make them try. He is admitting on TV that he's losing his team and they're weak and vulnerable. Right before the Michigan game. I see this going 2 ways, and either is equally probable: 1) MSU has given up on the season after the ND game because they're a bunch of whiny quitters and John L. Smith is a horrible coach (all of which is true) or 2) They're playing possum, and after losing to Notre Dame, decided to salvage their season by tanking at Illinois, making everybody think they were broken so they could show up in Ann Arbor and explode for 60 points. Ok, so the second scenario calls for a bit more cunning than MSU or JL Smith possesses, but I'm torn on this one because no matter who I pick, I'm fucked. Soooooo.......Michigan takes the game in the Big House, Manningham gets another 100+ game and a few TDs so I can add to my "I was first on the bandwagon" gloating, but not by 17. MSU covers that monstrous spread.

Oregon at Cal. All I know about either team are the scores I see on the ticker, and they're always high. Cal seems to have righted the ship after getting walloped in Knoxville, and Oregon took their frustrations out on Arizona State last week with a King Sized beat down in the desert. I'm really torn about this one, as neither team seems to stand out over the other. I want to go with Oregon, but Cal's resume is a little more impressive, tossing out that one loss, and the game is in Berkeley. Cal has more firepower on offense than Oregon and everybody knows they don't play defense in the Pac-10 so Cal wins and covers this one at home.

Purdue at Iowa. Ahhhh...two teams who in their defeats brought me great victory. Two teams that were overrated on what they do best, and were beaten by teams that did it better. The explosive Iowa offense really hasn't shown up anywhere yet, with their highest point total being against Montana, and I believe without Drew Tate. His highest total this year has been the 27 they threw up on Iowa State. Purdue has scorched some cupcakes, and proven they can't stop ANYBODY this year. They allowed 35, 31, and 28 respectively to Indiana State, Miami (OH), and Ball State. They won all those games by scoring 60, 38 and 38. What's my point? I forgot. This game is a shootout, but in Iowa, Iowa takes it, but I'm not sold enough on their offense to cover that spread, even against Purdue's JV level defense. Purdue keeps it under 10 points with their explosive offense.

QUICKIES: Iowa State jumps up and bites Nebraska, finally ousting them from the top 25. Ohio State crushes Bowling Green; Auburn has a tussle with Arkansas early, but opens the game up late with a huge dose of Kenny Irons; USC rolls over Tyrone Willingham at home and washes the taste of that Wazzou game out of their mouths; West Virginia wants to be taken seriously after that close call at ECU and crushes Mississippi State by triple whatever the line is; oh yeah, noose, Sylvester Croom, noose, noose, Croom. WHAT? COME WITH IT SON. Notre Dame sends the Stanford team crying back to their physics labs; GT crushes Maryland and their old offensive coordinator Fatty McFatass; Clemson and Wake Forest in a shootout, but the Deacons pull the upset at home. Is there another game on? Oh yeah, Tennessee coach Philip Fulmer is struck down by lightning as Mark Richt rises into the air and hovers over the 50 yard line, revealing that he is the second coming of Christ and all Tennessee and Florida fans are sucked into the fiery depths of hell where they have to watch reruns of the Lindsey Scott run and the Verron Haynes "Hobnail Boot" play, complete with Larry Munson's commentary for all eternity.

Sylvester Croom Noose.

2006-10-05T11:24:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 PICKS - Football Jesus

Last week looked a bit better for the Jeez but yet again I saw a promising point lead slip from my hands in the fourth quarters of two more games (Thank you sweet baby Jesus there's no Irish games in the 5 pointers this week). If this were truly a sports book in vegas I'd be about 2 more bad picks away from giving handjobs behind the Bellagio by day to keep me afloat and crying myself to sleep in fetal position in my seedy off-the-strip shithole hotel. You know what they say about Vegas, What happens here, haunts your dreams FOREVERRRRRRRR. LETS GET TO IT!

Thursday night Action, Florida State @ NC State. The Deliverance-extra head coach vs. the Goodfellas-extra head coach. I'm trying really hard and I honestly can't get myself to give half a liquid shit about this match-up. NC State took this game last year and the way Florida State's offense looks anyone who plays decent pee-wee football could probably give them a good run for their money, but....NC State is horrible. Yeah they fucked me once before but they're still horrible. Period. Florida State wins this game but doesn't cover the spread since it's more than one digit. Someone will have to tell me about this one because I'd rather watch the 2nd season of the L-Word (I...LOVE...LESBIANS BYAGHHHHH) and slam my face into a table for a couple of hours than catch this. Yeah you heard me Kyle.

Texas @ Oklahoma. First off...the Texas quarterback is named Colt McCoy. Colt McCoy?! Is this a fucking re-run of Walker Texas Ranger? Is Wes Hightower the offensive coordinator? Jesus. Anyway. This is a hard game to call. Oklahoma's definitely got something to prove and three weeks worth of sobbing diary entries to avenge and they have a pretty good chance against Texas and their rookie QB, BUT, besides their one loss, Texas looks just as consistent at beating horrible teams as Oklahoma does so I don't buy this " New OU Focus" that the Middle Tennessee massacre supposedly proved. True Adrian Peterson is healthy and will probably lose 30 pounds running the ball saturday but I don't think it's enough. Texas takes the game and the points on the back of their rookie QB. Afterwards, Louis L'Amour bases a 17 book series on the life of Colt McCoy called Steel Cactus. Sighhhhhhhhhh.

LSU @ Florida. Florida actually has the line on this game...Cue the blasphemous lightning bolt and get the horsemen ready for their entrance. Seriously? I obviously haven't been paying enough attention to these Swamp games because I'm not seeing anything that grants the respect these guys keep getting. This game has to be the easiest upset I've called in the last two weeks. True Florida keeps pulling it out at home, but their last two opponents have held them to a slight 2 possession lead into the fourth quarter. Who are those hard-hitting opponents that could possibly challenge the INVINCIBLE Urban Meyer Fuck-O-Tron Juggernaut? Try Kentucky and Alabama slugger. LSU has only lost a single game and that was a squeaking heartbreaker on the road to the now #2 Auburn Tigers. Other than that they haven't put up less than 40 points on any of their other opponents. Their defense aint to shabby either, losing by only 4 points against the War Eagles and not allowing any other team to come within 31 points of them. And Florida gets the line? LSU beats up Meyer's boys at home and Gators fans finally get something that's justifiably worth booing about.

Michigan State @ Michigan. I honestly picked this game just to anger the Virus (since at this juncture in the point race I'm starting to get desperate) and hopefully to split up the obvious picks of the week. Everyone knows my soft-spot for the underdog and trust me, I want to pick Michigan State so bad in this one buttttttt I just can't justify choosing a team that screwed me so royally two weeks ago. I don't think Michigan State has such an easy time tossing the ball around against the Wolverine secondary as they did against Dame's and I think the blue and gold defense becomes the deciding factor and here's why; with Michigan's shaky offense, the defensive side of the game, especially turnovers, are going to be a huge factor and if anyone can pressure a team into turnovers in big games it's the Michigan D. Bad decisions and turnovers killed the Spartans in their last heartbreaker and it'll hurt them again Saturday. BUT. They're giving the Michigan offense a big number to cover with their lack of offensive firepower so I'm going with Michigan to win and Michigan State to cover.

Oregon @ Cal. Yet another hard to call match-up. I gave up on Cal after they gave that major victory to Phil "Anti-Christ" Fulmer and his hillbilly warriors in Week 1 but all of a sudden they're starting to look like a worthy football team again. The Golden Bears are putting up a minimum of forty-one points a game and are actually starting to develop a run game, a far-cry from their embarassing beginnings in Rocky Top. Oregon on the other hand is tough and sadly ol' Tearjerker Stoops has shifted the focus away from the fact that the Ducks are playing good football these days. The difference? The Ducks are missing their big boy Haloti "Steve" Ngata which is their only hope for stuffing a Cal run game which is looking better and better and makes it even worse for the Oregon secondary who are going to be too busy worrying about Desean Jackson in the backfield to help out on the line. If this game was in Oregon I'd probably take the Ducks because I still think they're a tough team and in the right setting could work past these defensive setbacks and take out the bears BUTTTT it aint and they won't. The line is low as well so I gotta take Cal to win and cover the spread.

Purdue @ Iowa. AHHHH I'm running out of mental stamina here and there's a box of frozen eggrolls calling my name right now so i'm going to make this quick. Purdue and Iowa BOTH ruined my last week of picks so this is a chance for both of them to be money for me. This comes down to one thing, whose secondary doesn't look as retarted as the other. The cornerback squads for both of these teams look atrocious at best, giving up massive yardage to some pretty laughable teams (Ball State, Illinois etc. etc.). Purdue loves to attack through the air, not that they have much of a choice with their only ground threat being the decently mobile QB Painter, and put up around 400 yards on the Notre Dame Secondary but their defense is much much worse than Iowa's and the Hawkeyes stay point for point with anything Purdue manages to put on the scoreboard. Purdue's offense sputters after 3 quarters and Iowa takes the game over. Iowa to win and take the spread.

And Finally. It had to happen. And it might take a while. You might want to grab a snack. Georgia...Tennessee...This is the game in the season that makes my skin crawl more than any other on the schedule. I hate Phil Fulmer. I HATE HIM. He looks like what would happen if a bullfrog fucked a businessman villain from a kickboxing movie. He's pure evil people. Pure evil. What's worse? My boys have never looked so confused and ridiculous as they have the last two weeks. You have to staple the damn ball to Massaqui's hands to get him to come down with it and the run game of our supposed three-elite running backs looks clumsy and ineffective at best. It also doesn't help that we're playing Russian Roulette with two rookie QBs who can't seem to find a receiver that's not crushed the second the ball hits his hands (and inevitably bounces out). There's a silver lining here to me though. Tereshinski is coming back (which sadly shows how desperate we are right now. That's like being happy that your herpes flared up again) and maybe he can add a little stability to the offense. Also, Mark Richt OWNS Phil Fulmer. Period. He just does. And finally, we're underdogs. UNDERDOGS (UnderDawgs? Had to do it). We're a higher ranked team playing in our own home stadium, arguably one of the hardest venues to play in college football (especially now that I have a ticket) and we're still a 3 point underdog. If anything can light a raging conflagration under the collective Bulldog ass it should be that fact. Tennessee has no run game (-11 yards against Florida) and is going to rely pretty much entirely on how much Robert Meachem sees the ball. I know everyone is bending down to gently blow on Erik Ainge's balls right now but I still contend that he's a horrible quarterback. You take away his deep threat Meachem and he's just an NCAA flop with gay highlights who goes 5th round if that. This is put up or shut up time for Georgia plain and simple. It's time for Moses to have a four sack game, it's time for Lumpkin and Ware to have an amazing running day for once, it's time for Brown to create some ridiculous runs on special teams, it's time for Massaqui to prove that he's worthy of an elite football program, and it's time for Joe Tereshinski to be the savior Georgia so desperately needs right now. GLORY GLORY MOTHERFUCKERS!

Now I'm going to go heat up some eggrolls and cuddle with my framed picture of Mark Richt. See you next week.

2006-10-05T08:47:00.000-05:00

WEEK 6 GAMES AND LINES

First things first, it's way too early in the morning to be doing this but I guess everyone else has had a crazy week as well so I'll step up and pick the 5 games and post the lines. The second thing everyone will notice, no the Georgia game will not be in the 5 games. Bias? Eat a bag of horse dicks. Of course I'm fucking biased. If Georgia was playing 5000 angels of God clad in armor made of pure light with Steve Perry as their quarterback and the ghost of Bear Bryant as their head coach I still couldn't choose against my boys so it's not fair to talk about that game. It will be boring to the 8 people that read this (it's 8 people right?) and god knows we can't lose anymore readers. With that said, here are the games I've chosen for ze week.

Thursday Game:
#17 Florida State @ N. Carolina State - Florida St. -10.5

Point Games

#7 Texas @ #14 Oklahoma - Texas -5.5

#9 LSU @ #5 Florida - Florida -1.5 (?!?!?!)

Michigan State @ #6 Michigan - Michigan -17

#11 Oregon @ #16 California - Cal -5.5

Purdue @ #19 Iowa - Iowa -10.5

Pride Picks

#13 Tennessee @ #10 Georgia - Tennessee -2.5

#22 Nebraska @ Iowa State - Nebraska -7

Whatever, pick what games you want and post the spread next to them. I've got some picks to make before I go into an allergy coma. BALLS.

2006-10-02T13:51:00.000-05:00

WEEK 5 RECAP

Man, stupid Virginia Tech cost me a perfect week this week. I thought they were on their way after intercepting 2 straight Reggie Ball passes, but Ball settled down, and an endless dose of Calvin Johnson was just too much for the Hokies. Their defense did not play well at all, and their famed special teams didn't come to play either. I thought for sure those VT corners could keep up with Johnson, but he's just on another planet right now. I don't know if anybody can cover him one-on-one, and I have no idea why the safety isn't always cheating him over the top to at least stop the huge plays and limit him to 20 yard gains every now and then. But, nobody's given me a team to coordinate yet, so that's that.

Jim Tressel and Co. came out fast and looked like they finally had their heads on straight. They gave up a few early TDs to Iowa, but I had a feeling that after watching a few Iowa possessions, that D was going to clamp down, and man did they. Troy Smith is filling out his Heisman candidate form right about now after dropping 4 TD passes on former hopeful Drew Tate, and OSU got a rushing game going, with Pittman going over 100 yards. When OSU plays like this, they're the best team in the nation, bar none. It's when they try to sleepwalk through games that they get tested, but they're more or less in the clear now until that showdown with the Wolverines at the end of the year. There might be a big upset brewing somewhere with OSU before then if they don't maintain this intensity.

Notre Dame started out running the ball I don't know how many straight times. It was like Weis promised Walker that today was going to be his day. Once he opened up the playbook and let Brady Quinn loose on that horrendous Purdue secondary, the game was over. Notre Dame once again proved themselves equally incapable of stopping anybody on the other side of the ball nearly blowing the push at the end. I'm sick of Notre Dame pushing. JUST GET 1 MORE POINT.

Florida, boy oh boy did they look bad early. Chris Leak has not looked comfortable in a Florida uniform in 4 years, and if he survives the next 4 weeks (1 bye), it'll be a damned miracle. 2 head coaches, 3 offensive coordinators, and an up start freshman tailback/QB breathing down his neck in his senior season. How much do you think Leak will give the alumni association after some team overpays for him in the draft? He pulled it out late, and Florida does what they seem to do best, win games they should win, even if it's ugly. Some heinous field goal calls in this one, but a miracle INT for a TD late in the 4th gives me 3 miracle final 5 minute covers on the season only 2 weeks in. Rest easy boys, luck has a way of turning around.

I didn't watch the Oregon game, but I didn't have to. Arizona State was way oversold before the season started, and the outcome of this one was never in doubt. I want to say Oregon had 35 up before Arizona State mercifully hit a field goal, but I honestly don't know.

Georgia looks awful in every aspect of the game right now. The dual QB system is a horrible idea, and I said the same thing when it was Greene and Shockley. 2 series each is like letting each of them put their dick head in some cheerleader's pussy and then move on. How the fuck are they supposed to get off! I can't decide if I'm relieved or if I think it's a sign of the apocalypse that I'll be glad to see Tereschinski come back next week. Unless they make some serious mental changes, Tennessee will kill this Georgia team next week.

QUICK THOUGHTS: Where was this Cal team when they played Tennessee? Is the Pac-10 really this top-heavy and soft? They KILLED Oregon St. at Oregon St. I'm really looking forward to the Cal vs. Oregon matchup this week. MIAMI pulled out a squeaker at home against HOUSTON. A 1 point game folks. The mighty canes came within a field goal of losing to Houston at home, where there sure were an awful lot of empty seats for such a proud program. Fairweather fans? Well, put something on the field they can watch, and maybe they'll put the pipes down long enough to watch. I wouldn't take field level seats on the 50 yard line to a Miami home game right now if you offered me $50 and told me I could fuck Jessica Simpson until my balls exploded. Our friend Travis will be pleased to note that Miss. St. covered the -32 spread against LSU by a single point. I wish the points didn't count when the defense they scored on was a couple of band members and their moms in pads. And they still forced a few 3 and outs. MICHIGAN rolled over Minnesota by 2 TDs in the Metrodome. Manningham had 130 yards receiving, giving him 3 straight 100+ receiving games. Tell me who they lose to before Ohio State again Jeezy? USC survives in Pullman as Steve Smith pulls down 186 receiving yards. I remember John David Booty's older brother Josh at LSU, and I'm not scared of the Booty boys. Just say it like that and you know Oregon, Cal or UCLA is going to jump up and get them this year. Tennessee's evil cadre of magic receivers who somehow catch the flaming garbage that Erik Ainge throws decimated an outmatched Memphis team, Clemson continues to make people say "how the fuck did they lose to BC?" as they wax LA Tech 51 - 0, Nebraska hangs on against the fattest coach in America making it a two horse race with Rutgers for "team least deserving to be in the top 25," AND FINALLY: Boise State crushes Utah, sending them home to their wives for orgiastic sex in praise of Brigham Young. Why am I not a Mormon yet? Will Boise get a BCS bid? Good topic for another week. All I'm saying is that a religion that lets you keep a harem of women can't be all bad. Of course I've only been married to my one wife for a few months now. Maybe I'll see the folly of my ways in a few years.

And folks, seriously, if you have any idea what the hell the deal is with Michigan State, LET ME KNOW. It's my white whale...it consumes me.

2006-10-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

TOPIC OF THE WEEK - WEEK 5

This weeks topic is a three parter. The last two weeks have seen pretty much all the top 5 teams falter and almost get eliminated by nobodies. Between Auburn @ South Carolina, USC @ Washington State, Ohio State @ Penn State, West Virginia @ East Carolina, and Florida's battles with both Kentucky and Alabama in the swamp, which team looks like it least deserves to be in the top 5, which team will be eliminated first from the top 5, and which team deserves most to be in the top 5 that's still on the outside looking in? GET TO IT!

2006-10-02T10:22:00.000-05:00

WEEK 5 POINTS

Another week another round of 4th quarter heart breakers for the Jeez that stole the point lead out of my hands once again. I don't have a lot of time to write this so i'll leave the big recap to Virus since he's obviously watching the games more intently than John and I, hence the demanding point lead at this point. First off. After last week Rob took the 2 point lead to make the total scores
V - 5 FJ - 3 SC - 0
And again this week sees the virus nosin' it out and pickin up the skin once again by a single point. Thanks to a 4th quarter push by Purdue everyone got knocked out of the point spread making it an even point a piece across the board for the Irish picks. Florida picks up a last minute interception to cover their 13.5 point spread, knocking myself and Caned out of the Alabama cover point and putting Virus up a point for calling the Gator cover. The ONLY bright spot in my weekend, the domination of the Hokies by the Yellow Jackets for yet another Ramblin' Wreck upset provides two points for myself and none for Caned or Virus who both picked the 2 year running overrated Beamer train (VIRUS edit: John picked VT to win, but GT to cover. He gets 1 point here). Ohio...sigh. The boys smacked me in the mouth and proved that the team that played Texas was indeed back in the building and ready for the championship run. Caned and I both called the upset and got sent to bed crying after a convincing hawkeye ass kicking. 2 points to Ralph. (Wasn't ralphie the name of the CU Buffalo? Coincidence??!?) Anddddd everyone across the board called the Oregon game and got the two points for an utterly ridiculous showing by the Sun Devils. Sooooo tallying these up we see Virus pull ahead once again and take the week giving him dynasty implications as far as the week standings are going.

Ralph Virus = 7
Football Jesus = 6
Severely Caned = 5 (VIRUS edit because of VT vs GT confusion above)

Which brings the GRAND total up to

Ralph Virus = 12
Football Jesus = 9
Severely Caned = 5 (VIRUS edit because of VT vs GT confusion above)

Someone else is free to cover the in depth game analysis but as far as I'm concerned, go steal your neighbor's cable and watch sportscenter. I'm done.

2006-09-29T12:49:00.000-05:00

WEEK 5 PICKS - Severely Caned

Haha it’s time to pick these football games, and to be honest I don’t know who to pick. I don’t even think I have a funny joke to make about any of them except I bet Miami loses. There I said it, what do you think of that. In all honesty its not that I think Miami will lose, its just I'm terrified to watch it now. I know there is talent on the field, but just what they intend to do with it is scary. I don't think Miami could beat Houston by 40 points and regain much confidence in the program. They also won't beat Houston by 40 so it makes no difference anyway. I don't want to say anything more on the outcome so I won't jinx the whole deal. I plan on watching it, I hope I'm smiling in the end.

Purdue V. Notre Dame. Okay normally I wouldn’t think this was a game to watch. I did see the MSU game last weekend though, and realized that ND was gifted that game in the end. It’s almost like Sir Jeezy himself took pity on their sinners’ hearts and granted them a W. I don’t think the story will be much different here. ND wins it, but they don’t cover the spread. Weis starts to cry a little and breaks into a sobbing rendition of “Amazing Grace”.

Alabama V. Florida Is it just me? I don’t care what you say about Florida I just think they are short of their possibilities. I know. I know its naivety at its best, but so what. I mean they do have a very impressive front set on defense. I wouldn’t run the ball a helluva a lot against them. This is a little less mission critical for bama as the passing game is though. Croyle’s replacement looks to be even better, and last weekend made an honest stand. I don’t’ like Florida’s spread offense; I’ve always had qualms with it. They are 4-0 right now, yet they haven’t really been tested yet. The next three weeks have to be on Florida’s mind with LSU, The War Eagles, and the Dogs on schedule. I don’t think this bama game is going to turn out to be the warm up they hope it is. Given the fact that the bama kicker couldn’t hit anything in the Arkansas game, and the Gator’s kicker didn’t look much better, I think a missed PAT might separate this game. 21-20 Florida wins.

Georgia Tech v. Virginia Tech “The battle of the engineers” Don’t get me wrong with what I’m about to say, I mean in no way am I saying either team will be on their laurels throughout this game. The VT v Cin last week was an ugly display for the Hokies. If there is anything I know about Frank Beamer, in all my years of watching gut wrenchers with the canes, is this. Those boys will have a fire lit under their asses for sure. He knows the game of no limit hold’em he is playing with the Georgia Tech team. Beamer will bring his boys out to play with intensity. GT however will come out to play as usual, good, but not infallible. I would be surprised if Ball has a smile on his face for much of the game. Brandon Ore for the Hokies will have a task before him to open the run game on what I have already called a terrific front 7 for GT. That will be the key I think in this game. If Ore starts to bust it for 6 or 7 yards a carry again then VT has a shot. Their passing game doesn’t seem to be as fruitful. Last year VT won it 51-7, but I don’t think that will repeat itself. I do think VT wins, but they don’t make the 9 point spread.

Ohio State v Iowa I hate Ohio State. I can’t stand them, and just as Jeezy can never pick spurrier, I can never pick these boneheads. They look better than I thought they would this year though. The young defense no one was sure about seems to get better every time the ball is snapped. I think that might become the saving grace for them. Iowa’s odds of winning are better than Penn State’s, and since I refuse to pick OSU, Iowa wins it by a nose.

Oregon v. Arizona State I gotta go with the Ducks on this one. I just don’t think Arizona State has the stuff yet on offense. Let the run game prove me wrong, but if the Sun Devil’s QB keeps turning the ball over, then the run game is going to be on the sidelines. Oregon is on all cylinders and had a week of rest. Then they do have the whole fiasco from two weeks ago to listen to, but I think it’s gonna piss em off an fire em up more than anything. Oregon wins this, and easily covers the point for the spread.

2006-09-29T06:51:00.000-05:00

THURSDAY GAME DISCUSSION THREAD

Post your thoughts about the Thursday games in the comments section here. JOHN, MAKE YOUR DAMN PICKS. IF I DON'T SEE ANYTHING BY TONIGHT, I'M GOING TO MOTION FOR ANOTHER DISQUALIFICATION.

2006-09-28T17:33:00.000-05:00

WEEK 5 PICKS - Football Jesus. LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR.

Ok ok , so last week didn’t work out so well for the Jeez, so apparently this is my put up or shut up week now and yet again, I haven't learned from my mistakes. Tear. Anyway, this week's nail-biting schedule, it seems, is once more riddled with “they have a team?”s, and “they were good once, right?”s. Jesus. Picking games worth watching this week is about like picking which chick to hit on at a Styx reunion concert, chances are it’s going to be dissapointing and taste a bit like Fanta and Vodka. But once again, for your reading pleasure, The Clown Princes of College Football have come through with 5 games we think should be at least interesting enough to merit getting nothing accomplished and proving your ex-girlfriend right. LET’S GET TO IT!

First off Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech. Now I know some of you out there might be sold on the Hokies and some of you out there may even know what a Hokie is and have a decent explanation for why any sane person would name a team after what I’m guessing is a fucking turkey, BUT! I’m not. Beating up on Duke and North Carolina might have been impressive if it had been on a basketball court but beating them at football makes your squad look about as menacing as the gang of dancers in Micheal Jackson’s “Beat It” video. Now let me refresh you on the certified giant killing machine that is the ramblin’ wreck; Last season, Ball and Johnson took down Auburn and Miami, both of which were road games for the jackets and both of which were, at the time, big top 10 upsets. They also kept it close with Georgia at the end of the season and put up one hell of a fight against Notre Dame (and I bet you if that had been in South Bend the Irish might not have escaped that one) for the season opener. These guys may be confused as to where their stadium is for the rest of the season but when a team with a number in front of their name shows up on the schedule, ESPECIALLY on the road, these guys turn into the badass bastard offspring of Steve McQueen and Dalton from Roadhouse. Did anyone else just get pregnant? I’m going with the dream crushers on this one for a ramblin’ wreck road show to remember. Georgia Tech to win.

Alabama @ Florida. How retarted are Florida fans? Honestly. Did anyone else hear them boo, cheer, and then boo Leak again in his own stadium last week? I’m personally suprised Leak didn’t have a seizure on the sidelines cause’ I felt like I needed to mainline a handfull of adderall just to keep up with Urban Meyer’s “masturbating hummingbird” offense. Now, as a Georgia fan, I’ve seen the ol’ quarterback switcheroo before, but sweet God, for the last half the quarterbacks were switching back and forth so much I was suprised Meyer didn’t just line them up side by side in the backfield and have them thumb wrestle for who got the snap each play. Enter, the Tide...Bama has a great chance of making this two upsets in a row vs. the Gators and here’s why; Including this showdown, Florida has by far one of the most RIDICULOUS 4 game schedules in the history of time ahead of them. LSU comes to the swamp next week, the Gators take a roadtrip to War Eagle territory the next week, and oh yeah, a little thing we like to call the World’s Greatest Cocktail Party against my boys in red after that. A line up like that is sure to shake the concentration of ANY team especially one that looks clumsy and confused on offense at best (I know they put up 19 on the Wildcats but they had a hell of a time doing it). This game will come down to kicking (which should be absolutely hilarious by the way) between the two missed extra points by Florida last week, and the HORRENDOUS showing by Alabama’s kicker against Arkansas. All in all, I think the Gators sleep on the Crimson Tide and get played close until the 4th. Leak won’t let the Tide embarass him for his senior year and figures out a way to pull it out in the end but I don’t think the Gators cover the 13 point spread. Florida to win, Alabama to cover the points.

Ohio State @ Iowa. Everyone knows I can’t resist a good upset pick and so here’s my second for the week. Try as I might, I’m just not buying the Buckeye hype just yet. Although the final scores make them look great, I have YET to see a game where Ohio State wasn’t played uncomfortably close for at least 3 quarters of football. Ohio is headed for trouble if they run into a team that doesn’t make the same 4th quarter defensive breakdowns and ridiculous turnovers as their last couple of competitors have, and if anyone can pull this off, in my opinion, it’s Tate. If Tate can get hot early and open up a lead, I think Troy Smith will turn Reggie Ball, get frustrated and makes way too many mistakes. Iowa toughens up and takes the buckeyes.

Oregon and Arizona St. Arizona St. did me wrong last week, and while I know there’s buzz of an upset brewing, I don’t buy it. Oregon may have won their game with Oklahoma on a bullshit call, but you can’t deny they still played em’ damn close up to that last TD. Fool me once Sun Devils. Oregon to win and cover the spread.

Purdue @ Notre Dame. Jam an icepick in my dick hole. Sigh. This game comes down to one thing and one thing only. Pressure. Anthony Spencer has been a big force for the boilermakers with 5 sacks in their last 4 showings, and Quinn has spent so much time on his back in the last couple games you’d think they recruited him from the receiving end of a Vikings boat party. Purdue has to keep the pressure on Quinn the entire game to make up for their miserable 115th ranked secondary, because as last week showed, the Irish just won’t die no matter what the score is in the 4th quarter. True, Charlie Weis is a gigantic fuckbag but...the Irish take the game and the point spread. I hate myself.

LIGHTNING ROUND. Auburn at South Carolina. If there’s one thing I hate more than picking Steve Spurrier for anything it’s having to pick Tommy Tuberville instead. I can’t even think of a joke for this shit. I hope both sides die. I hope a rip in the fabric of time occurs and a pack of robotic tyrannosauri with flamethrowers for arms completely decimate the stadium and leave nothing but a charred visor and some gay memories of Tommy entering arm in arm with his team. Auburn destroys South Carolina at home and I punch myself in the crotch for 3 hours.
BYU @ TCU. The battle for “Jesus likes us better” bragging rights. Now this is how God intended religious debates be played out. I’m rooting for TCU just because if another Mormon commerical ruins my half-stock during the Hooter’s Swimsuit Competition on ESPN 2, I’m going to have to destroy the entire state of Utah myself. In the end it doesn’t matter who wins because there’ll still be an elderly Jehovah’s Witness army out there shoving Watchtower’s down our throats at halftime. TCU wins and covers.
Georgia wins and covers the spread because the Manning’s have cursed the Ole Miss campus with their presence. California and Oregon St. decide to go to a peace rally instead of play the game and all die when their Anti-Bush march accidentally takes a wrong turn and ends up on the interstate. Cal covers their spread and a bunch of String Cheese Incident fans get too stoned to notice. LSU wins, covers the spread and all 4 of the Miss State fans chip in on a revolver and kill themselves. I’m pickin Miami to win because if they don’t then I’m going to have to stop Caneboy from strapping a lawnmower to his chest and going after Larry Coker Dead Alive style. Jesus christ how many games are we going to talk about here? I feel like I’m taking the SAT. I’m gonna go drop off some lumber. See you next week.

2006-09-28T11:23:00.000-05:00

RALPHVIRUS WEEK 5 PICKS

Well, it looks like I'm first up again, so here we go. First off, I want to say that this is written with a heavy heart. I know this is a college football blog, but the passing of Byron Nelson should still be noted here, especially since two of us were frequent visitors of the Augusta National in our youth. Byron Nelson was not only one of the great figures of golf, he was one of the great men of sports. On a day when we have news stories debating whether or not Terrell Owens attempted suicide, we should remember that there were figures who were kind and graceful in their acts both on and off the field/course. Unfortunately, for every Chad Johnson, Terrell Owens, Keyshawn Johnson, Bill Romanowski, and Miami Hurricane and Florida State Seminole graduate, we only have a few figures like Byron Nelson to remind us that there's the possibility that people aren't inherently rotten all the way through. I really am truly and deeply saddened by his death, because it feels that there just aren't enough truly good people out there, so when we lose one, we lose a lot. So pardon if my picks aren't so funny. The world is a much worse place to live in now that one of our true positive heroes is gone. Goodbye Byron. You did what you could, and I, for one, appreciate it. I'll miss you. On to the picks:

1) This game is tearing me up. I think the spread is off by a mile on this one, since the Irish are still picking South Bend grass out of their teeth from the last game they played at home. It seems the oddsmakers want to give the Irish the benefit of some kind of carryover effect from the miracle in East Lansing, but I don't buy it. Yeah, Purdue's defense stinks, and they've faced nobody so far and didn't blow out some of their lesser opponents, but they've put up some pretty serious offensive numbers in those games, and both teams from Michigan exposed the Notre Dame defense as a sham (except in the last 90 seconds of a game) so I'm very interested to see how the Purdue offense exploits Notre Dame's weak secondary. However, Purdue's defense did give up 35 to Indiana State, and though they've settled in a bit, they've not seen anything like the Irish attack this year. Notre Dame wins this one, but Purdue keeps it closer than the 14 point spread.

2) Alabama seems to be getting credit for something I haven't seen in them. I know Florida hasn't looked convincing in their wins so far and Urban Meyer's version of the two quarterback system is laughably simple, but I have a hard time understanding why Florida is getting less than 2 touchdowns in the swamp against a team that just lost to Arkansas, whose quarterback played one of the worst games I've ever seen. The Bama kicker is rattled right now, and outside of Darby, who's having an awful year, I don't know where they go on offense. Their defense is passable, but when have they been tested? On the other hand, Alabama owns Florida in recent years, even when they're having a down year. But I'm sorry, you beat Vandy by a field goal, and I pick against you. Florida rolls in the swamp and easily covers this one, though I hope I'm wrong on this one and in a perfect world, Mike Shula's boys would win by 90 and Shula would take a dump on the gator at midfield and rub Urban Meyer's and Chris Leak's face in it. Probably not gonna happen though.

3) Virginia Tech has not looked very impressive to me so far this year. Their defense and special teams are exceptional, as they always are under Beamer, but I'm not sold on their offense. I don't even know their quarterback's name off-hand, which is usually a bad sign, and now that I think about it, I can't name a single player on either side of the ball for them. A quick look at ESPN.com indicates they're favoring the run this year, which isn't a bad idea with an inexperienced quarterback and swarming defense. As usual, Calvin Johnson and Reggie Ball are the keys to Tech's offense, and unfortunately for them, Virginia Tech's defense is exactly the kind that gives them fits. Reggie's going to be hit all night long on blitzes and probably even on straight rushes, while CJ is going to get pounded off the line of scrimmage and not able to run any timing route effectively, and will be double covered by one each of VT's cadre of exceptional cornerbacks and safeties that they seem to grow in field somewhere in Blacksburg. At Virginia Tech, they roll and win the game and easily cover the spread as Reggie Ball melts down by halftime. I know GT is most dangerous against a great opponent, but I think they look past this one, since they're less than double digit dogs on the road and don't play with that attitude they have as huge underdogs.

4)Ohio State and Iowa. I don't have any idea what to make of this game. Iowa looked awful and needed a miracle goal line stand against lowly Syracuse to eek out a win, but played without their star QB. Tate was shaky against in-state rival Iowa State, but pulled away late for the win and then put up less than 30 points aganist the Illinois defense that I think the 3 of us could pick apart for at least 45. So this explosive offense hasn't materialized for them yet. On the other hand, Ohio State, after dismantling Texas, has struggled for two straight weeks, scoring very late in the fourth quarter on freak INT returns or whatever they did in Cincinnati, so their final scores are all a little misleading. It's almost like they thought if they beat Texas, the championship was just going to be given to them. People thought their offense was going to run every other team out of the stadium with their speed, but aside from the Troy Smith to Ted Ginn connection, there hasn't been a lot of sprinting in Ohio State games. Their leading receiver is the tight end, though Ted Ginn has a sick 5 TDs in 16 rec. If Ohio State plays like they played in Austin, they're unbeatable. If they play like they played in Cincinnati or against Penn State, Iowa can steal this one from them. I think 2 close calls are enough for Tressel, and he reminds his boys that they still have to win every game they play before they'll give the championship to them. I want to take Iowa, but Ohio State pulls this out on the road, and beats the touchdown spread.

5) Oregon and Arizona State. Wow. Oregon is getting no respect for their tarnished win against Oklahoma, despite the fact that they played competitively against what many considered to be a top ten team for that entire game. Arizona State just got their shit handled by a rejuvenated Cal team. I've never seen an Arizona State home game on TV, but I've heard that they almost never sell out, so homefield advantage seems to play into this very little. If it were July and this game were at high noon, then you give the advantage to the team from the desert. It might be hot, yes, but that can't be the reason for this bizarre spread. I want to take Oregon, but I'm nervous about taking road favorites back to back. I thought Arizona State was the upstart team in the Pac-10 before last week, but now I don't know what to make of either team. I'll say Oregon plays with a chip on their shoulder because of the Oklahoma controversy and wins a squeaker, but covers on the road.

FLASH PICKS: Cal beats Oregon State, but Ore. State covers the spread at home. Those Oregon stadiums are tough places to win period, much less win big. LSU clobbers Mississippi State and tightens the noose another notch around Sylvester Croom's neck. I'll be shocked if MSU crosses the 50 yard line. Jamarcus Russell eats bad secondaries for lunch and has a huge game. LSU by at least 40. Michigan only giving 10 at Minnesota? Beware of betting against the home dog, but that line is too juicy to pass up. Michigan wins by 17. Temple and Vanderbilt. I can't believe Vandy is nearly a 5 touchdown favorite to beat anyone, even if it is Temple. Go Commodores! Win and a cover at home to please the 15 fans who showed up. Houston and Miami, oh my goodness, how the mighty have fallen. Miami loses at home and Larry Coker is lynched after the game, hung from the visiting team's uprights and set on fire. Half the players light their joints on the fire, the other half their crack pipes. Kansas State and Baylor, times sure are changing fast in college football. I hope one of the Baylor players or fans found this line and printed it and framed it, because they dont see it too often in a conference game. Hell, I picked Vandy to roll, Baylor wins at home and sends the cheerleaders home happy because most students forgot they had a team.

My pride picks will be in the comments to the original post with the lines. Come with it kids! The Virus has spoken!

2006-09-27T14:01:00.000-05:00

WEEK 5 - GAMES AND LINES FOR SATURDAY

Alright boys and girls, let's get ready for another half-assed weekend of games to choose from, and a couple more pride games to chat about. I think it may be best if chat is limited to the comments on this post so we don't clog up the blog too much. Rules the same as before, the favorite is the team with the number beside them and they must score more than that number to cover. The underdog doesn't have to win to beat the spread, just lose by less than the number. Home team listed second, 2 points per game on the line, 1 for picking the winner, 1 for beating the spread. No points for beating the spread for anybody on a push. Ready? GO:

1)Purdue
Notre Dame -14

2)Alabama
Florida -13.5

3)Georgia Tech
Virginia Tech -9

4)Ohio State -7
Iowa

5)Oregon -1
Arizona State

Now, the 3 pride games:

Thursday night (6:00 pm):
BYU
TCU -6

Thursday night (7:30 pm):
Auburn -14
South Carolina

Georgia -18
Ole Miss

And a few more with interesting lines that I'm curious to hear opinions about:

California -9.5
Oregon St.

Mississippi State
LSU -32

Michigan -10
Minnesota

Temple
Vanderbilt -34 (!!!!)

Houston
Miami, FL -16 (AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHA)

Kansas St.
Baylor -1.5

Alright kids, fire at will. Picks due by midnight Thursday, and the 2 Thursday game pride picks due before kickoff. And please, everybody take a good look at that Miami line, and also note this may be the first time in my lifetime Baylor has been favored in a conference game, and Vandy is nearly a 5 touchdown favorite!

Anyway, GO!

2006-09-25T07:19:00.000-05:00

WEEK 4 in Review - The Virus

Am I the kind of person who gloats when he wins? The kind of person who kicks people when they're down? The kind of person that would piss into your gaping chest wound after I sent a 12 gauge full of buckshot into it? Ordinarily, yes, that pretty much describes me to a T. This week, though, the lesson of the day is humility, and this is the closest I've come to believing in a God in over a decade. I'm watching my back for lightning bolts this week. So here's my 10 points of the week:

1) God almighty Georgia, What. The. Fuck. Seriously. I'm in Boston so I was spared having to watch all but the final 90 seconds of this debacle, but I was about to have a coronary just watching the ESPN ticker. What happened to Stafford? Did Colorado kidnap him, bleach Kordell Stewart white and slip it past the coaches somehow? The ONLY bright spot here is that Cox looked phenomenal. Lighting up the Colorado defense is a little like the Miami Heat lighting up a WNBA team, but there's no doubt that kid pulled a rabbit-shaped miracle out of his ass on Saturday. UGA surivives, and amazingly drops only 1 spot in the standings to #10. Look for more conservative picks next week in the Ole Miss Game.

2) More miracles: BC got absolutely Flutied this week by Chuck Amato's boys down in Carolina. I watched none of this game because I was alternating between seeing if Kentucky could ever get going and seeing Sparty lay a whoopin on the Irish early, so I don't know what the hell happened except what I saw on the highlights. I said before BC tends to play down to the competition, and they did it again, and it finally bit them in the ass. I'm glad BC lost, but hate that I picked them.

3) ND and MSU. I watched the end of this, and I STILL don't know what happened. Every now and then ND seems to do this, where they pull an impossible game out through turnovers and defensive touchdowns. And I think this just solidifies my theory that MSU is controlled by someone with a button or switch somewhere who randomly pushes it to make them unstoppable or terrible. Somehow, amidst all that, the line gets lost that Brady Quinn had 5 TD to 1 INT. He looked worse than that to me, but that's what the numbers say. I'm going to beg that we never use Michigan State again, because if we do, I'm flipping a coin, and that's that.

4) South Carolina - 45, FAU - 6

5) Arkansas had no right winning that game on Saturday. That Bama kicker was 1-4 on FG attempts, including 1 in OT to win, and missed the crucial PAT that allowed Arkansas to win. I just can't see how, at the level of football Alabama plays at, they can have a guy THAT CAN MISS A PAT. Shit, one of the defensive lineman might have been able to kick that one through the uprights. Compounding this was the fact that Megadeth lead singer Dave Mustaine's illegitimate lovechild had one of the worst statistical games I've seen. He made Stafford look like Johnny Fucking Unitas. His line on the day? 7-22, 97 yds, 4.4 yards per attempt, 1TD (in OT), 3INT. That Bama kicker is going to have a hell of a rough week.

6) Ohio State and Penn State. Half the people in the country with money on this one climbed out of the noose in the last 2 minutes while the other half took their place. 2 INT returns for a touchdown in the last 2 minutes of a game should be called something more than a "backdoor cover," like a "holy fucking shit I was about to blow my head off because I bet my rent money on OSU and God reached down from heaven and thumped Morelli in the back of the head hard enough to make him deliver to cover to us." That's just a suggestion. OSU is not nearly as strong as they looked against Texas, struggling with Cincinnati last week (who gave VT a scare this week) and again against PSU. Both games look exactly the same in the box scores: OSU leads, but barely until 4th quarter when they explode for an inexplicable number of points. Iowa has a pretty explosive offense, so I'm curious to see if they let Iowa hang around long enough, because Iowa may be to far in front to catch.

7) Kentucky vs Florida. Kentucky was competitive in this game, but played traditional Kentucky football with stupid penalties, backbreaking turnovers, and about a dozen Rich Brooks hissy fits on the sideline. Chris Leak actually got booed in this one after coming in for a scorching hot Tim Tebow. Leave it to Florida fans to pull a class move like this in Leak's senior season. Tebow has one play he runs, and if he tries that against Auburn, LSU or UGA more than 2 straight times, look for him to be peering at the world through the earhole of his helmet.

8) Michigan looked solid against Wisconsin, but not overwhelming. Mike Hart is a solid back, but not the guy who can take a game over against a good defense. Chad Henne seems to make just enough of the right plays to keep his job, while Mario Manningham is emerging as the best receiver nobody is talking about. 5 TD in his last 2 games, both over 100 yd efforts. We all thought Steve Breaston was going to emerge as the next great Michigan WR, but Manningham is quickly turning into Henne's favorite target, and usually in the the end zone. That Big Blue defense is ferocious, though, and it was the defense and special teams that kept them in this one long enough to pull ahead. Wisconsin had a quick strike on the first drive, and then nothing for 58 minutes. I'm already giddy thinking about a showdown between Michigan and OSU where both are 11-0.

9) Tennessee needed 17 in the 4th quarter to pull away from a Marshall team that just ain't what they used to be. The margin was 9 for much of the second half before Tennessee finally put them away.

10) Az St. vs Cal. I didn't mean to mislead the Jeezy, I was just saying I've been to Berkeley, and that stadium doesn't seem big enough to have a home field advantage. My guess for what happened here is that the Cal players's rectums are still sore from the reaming Tedford gave them after the Tennessee debacle and they want to avoid another at all costs. They've been a team possessed since that loss, and they just took the beat down stick to Dirk's boys up in Berkeley. I was honestly set to pick Arizona State until I heard Dirk was 0-10 in the state of CA, so I figured he'd better be 1 and something before I ever pick in that state. 0-11, but I did think they'd put up more of a fight than that.

QUICK NOTES: Mississippi State gets their first W of the season 16-10 over UAB. Time to discredit UGA's shutout of UAB now. LSU and Auburn both roll over inferior opponents (Tulane and Buffalo respectively), though it took awhile for Auburn to warm up. West Virginia had their lowest rushing output in 6 games against Eastern Carolina and hold on 27-10. Slaton for Heisman? Not looking so good. USC in a dogfight with Arizona, but triumph 20-3, perhaps with the help of the "suspended" pac-10 crew officiating the game. That's right, the crew that screwed brother Bob's Sooners out of the Oregon game were back on the field for Mike Stoops and company at Arizona due to a lack of available officials. PAC-10, get your shit straight! Last one, speaking of Oklahoma, those who thought they might be distracted this week, go stick your head back up your ass. Middle Tennessee State didn't know what hit them as the Sooners serially gang raped MTS to the tune of 59-0.

So on that note, CHEER CHEER FOR OLD NOTRE DAME!

2006-09-24T09:57:00.000-05:00

WEEK 4 In Review - Lee Majors

Dramatic reenactment of last night
(after explaining the point system of the blog to a friend watching the 8:00 clock games with me. This conversation occurred with 2:00 left in the BC game and 6:00 left in the ND game)

Friend: "So how are you doing so far?"
Me: "Well unless something absolutely ridiculous happens, I'll be up a point in the standings."
Andddddddd SCENE!

Does anyone want to guess what happened? Anybody? Anybody? That's right, within a matter of 15 minutes I watched what would have been a 6 point advantage shrivel like my balls during a Golden Girls marathon due to some of the most insane football endings I've watched all season. This is no exaggeration, the above statement had not fully left my mouth when NC State and their Joey Buttafuco looking Sopranos reject coach pull a Flutie esque-miracle with 8 count em 8 seconds left on the clock. Someone had their Wheatie enema that morning and it sure wasn't Dougie's boys. But I guess that seemed to be the norm this week, with my own boys learning an important lesson in humility and me learning that apparently they study witchcraft at the University of Colorado. I spent the weekend on the road so what I know of the 3:30 games is limited and honestly I stopped paying attention just long enough to have my crotch punched for the 8:00 games. So here is my, shameful i might add, and extremely quick week in review...sigh

Ohio state 28 - Penn State 6. For the second week in a row Ohio State's deceptive score give them the aura of being bullet proof but anyone who watched that game knows, things are lookin shaky in the horseshoe. Penn State stayed within a possession of the Buckeyes for 4 straight quarters of football, getting blown out in the LAST TWO MINUTES because of two interceptions returned for touchdowns. Hmmmm.... With a road trip to Iowa coming up, i'm not nearly as sold on the invincibility of Troy Smith and his boys. Point being, Jeezy = 2 Virus = 2

Alabama 23 - Arkansas 24 OT. Jesus, when it rains I have no fucking clue what i'm talking about apparently. This "under 20 point combined" game turned out to combine for almost 50 points and ended up in a one point heartbreaker pulled off by the Hogs in OT that still didn't cover the 1.5 point spread. Balls. Jeezy = 1 Virus = 1

Now it gets ugly for my week.
Arizona St. 21 - Cal 49. I told you I didn't know shit about these teams. I went on Virus' advice and then the sneaky sumbitch went for Cal and snatched the point. BUT he also took Arizona St. in the points which, with a seven point spread...yeah...no point. Jeezy = Goose Egg Virus = 1

Boston College 15 - NC State 17. Huh? What? This was the beginning of the end for my night, with two of my picks in the waning moments of the first half, and with BC in the position to kick a field goal to cover the spread giving me a demanding lead in the points, butttttttt apparently stupidity is contagious. We'll get to that next. Instead, Leary decides to go for it on 4th and not risk the unreliable kicker shanking another one and instead opting for running the clock out a bit. Great choice. Except apparently noone saw the pool of goat blood forming by the giant flaming pentagram on the NC State sideline. NC State pulls a last second drive from hell, and takes the game with a 30 or 40 yard "are you shitting me" pass with 8, count em' 8 seconds on the clock. Jeezy = Goose Egg Virus = Goose Egg.

Oh but it don't end there.

Michigan State 37 - ND 40. WHAT?! SERIOUSLY?!! Ok yeah you can give me the bullshit about Brady's drive and determination but I'm not giving the game to him, because even with the comeback looming, Michigan State could and SHOULD have been able to hold off the Irish for long enough to enjoy their then 16 point lead. Especially when a failed 2 point conversion still leaves you with 10. A ridiculous turnover and a botched extra point still gives you a 4 point lead. Until shortly after. And I'm not even sure how to put this insane nail in the coffin into words... Some jackass in the back field, catches the kickoff for the spartans, takes it two yards to about the 12. And downs it. And by down it I don't mean he slips and falls or botches the catch and has to jump on it, no he old school, will you marry me, one knee, DOWNS IT. ON THE FUCKING 12!!!!! With at least 5 to 10 yards open ahead of you and your team struggling to hold on to a 4 point lead late in the fourth. HE. DOWNS. IT. I'll give you guys a second. And that's the night the lights went out in East Lansing. Two plays later and Stanton's decision making went out the window, sending a quick turnover to lose the lead, and then another (granted that wasn't his fault as much as it was a phenomenon of nature that still baffles me) to seal the game. But...with the point spread being 3, It seems like Ralphie hits the push, but nails the team. God I hate Charlie Weis... Jeezy = goose egg Virus = 1

So, what looked like I was going to take a one or two point edge, turned into a laughable 4 minutes of heartbreaking football that officially ceased my ability to create competent sperm. Or maybe that really is the high life. Anyway here are the standings as I have em'.

Virus = 5
Jeezy = 3
Cane = 0

Since it's sunday, i'm going to go chug some motor oil and hope that the NFL will be less brain-numbing to watch. See you next week.

2006-09-23T11:02:00.000-05:00

Ok ok, before anyone else catches and drills me for it, quick correction to my own picks. I stated that Arizona St. @ Cal was the only meeting between two top 25 teams this week when in fact Penn State @ Ohio State would make it two. ALSO, since it is noon on Saturday as of right now when picks were asked for on midnight of Thursday, I move for a disqualification for the Boy Wonder from Down Under (that being South Beach...shudder) from the points this week. You need to get your priorities straight you gooch. Football picks first, ducking INS second. Goose Egg for the Ibis. Looks like it's brother against brother this week with really only two games as the deciding factor between us, both of which are picks i'm not terribly certain about. It's not looking good for football jesus right now...let's play ball.

2006-09-22T08:03:00.000-05:00

I was hard on him early, but the Miami kid has some game. This game was technically a push, since the spread was hit on the money (17 points), so we all start out with a tie (as far as I know, you can't bet on the push...everybody just gets their money back), but Severely Caned gets the gold star of the night for nailing the score dead to rights. Keep this up and nobody's gonna need Jesus or The Virus.

As mentioned, I didn't watch the game, but I caught the highlights on sportscenter, and I could pat myself on the back for saying Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson would have monster games (which they did), but that was probably the easiest pick of the week. That's like picking Chris Leak to light up the UK secondary on Saturday. It's almost a given. CJ is damn near unstoppable, though he struggles against more physical corners, as UGA showed last year when Tim Jennings went and beat CJ half to death every time he came off the line and ultimately made the game winning interception while covering CJ. And CJ had a good 8 inches on Jennings. As far as I know, the receiver contact rules are different in college than in the NFL, so you can jam receivers more and knock them around off the line of scrimmage, and I'm not sure why more teams don't do this with oversized receivers like CJ who tend to shy away from contact and get alligator arms after a big hit. Jam him up front and have a LB come in for help on the short stuff and a safety for the deep stuff if he pushes past you. I don't think it's that unreasonable to have 3 guys on him, just not necessarily man-to-3man. In a zone scheme, cheat an LB and a safety to his side of the field and keep them close enough to jump a route at any level of the defense. I'm not sold on the rest of the GT offense, and it's been shown consistently that as CJ goes, so go the Jackets. UGA just blanketed him all night last year and made him a non factor, and the secondary was the weakest part of their defense. Anyway, when Ball's head is on straight enough to get it to him, GT is one of the more dangerous teams in the country, especially since they have a very solid defense on the other side. Ball has the talent to take a game over, but not the head for it. He melts down way too easily and once he starts to play with emotion instead of composure, you can start counting the INTs, overthrows, personal foul penalties and clock mismanagement immediately. UGA revealed this in his freshman season when he started jawing at the safeties after a (legal) hit on the sidelines, after which the safeties promptly flattened Ball on a flurry of blitzes before he got yanked out of the game, which GT laughably said was from an injury, but was just because he got too fired up to play QB. He's got WR attitude at the QB position, and that just doesn't work.

I think those High Lifes are rotting Jeezy's brain. I'm gonna one up him again (and stab myself through the heart at same time) and say Spurrier TRIPLES the spread and wins 90-0. Who's gonna blink first here, son?

2006-09-21T22:15:00.000-05:00

No hate to the Cane for making the call, but let's look at the details of the pick here bucko. Reggie ball runs the ball early and often, resulting in the Jacket's first TD which eventually opens up the game for a certain muthafuckergh named CALVIN Johnson, not the other johnson, CALVIN "MAN-BEAST" JOHNSON to completely decimate the Cavs secondary and take it for two TDs. I don't give a shit if Marcus Hamilton gets bitten by a radioactive giraffe and gains magical powers, he can't cover the CJ Phenomenon. Watch the halfhearted cut on the second TD in the beginning of the 3rd quarter. Beautiful. Jackets barely cover the spread and Lee Majors strikes again with a little help from my fine foreign friend who will be accompanying me to the Bellagio Book very very soon whether he knows it or not. We're money son, money. That being said, I don't care if my FAU pick was stupid, I will never, even if every ounce of logic falls in the other court pick Steve Spurrier for a damn thing. In fact I change my pick to FAU by 84 points. Not only that, I say that Schnellenbratwoggle actually rips Spurrier's headset off his head after the game and beats Spurrier to death. YESSIR!

2006-09-21T22:07:00.000-05:00

So you want the recap of the Virginia @ Georgia Tech game? I got that coming for you here in my dillusional dialouge of thoughts. Tech won the coin toss, and elected to receive. Virginia comes out strong in the first half and gives Tech some terrible field advantage and a three and out to start. Virginia's running game looks really bad. The best feet on the team right now I'm almost sure are on the quarter back. Tenuta has this Cavalier offense on lock down. The Cav's RB has little room to move and when a hole opens he runs through it like a deer in headlights. One of his best runs was called back, and rightfully so as his knee was CLEARLY down. A positive note for the new replay systems being used. The Jackets sting the Cav's with a TD run from Reggie Ball, who is running well. Calvin Johnson gets 5 touches for 99 yards and another TD. With a field goal in between, all the scoring was done by Tech 17-0 at the half.

Second half. Cav's get the ball first, and Sewell shows his feet, and man this kid has a gun. No experience, but fairly accurate, and without any hands at the end of the throw. He makes a catchable throw long and the reciever drops what he should have caught. After that posession Sewell is 3-12 with 22 yds... something isn't clicking. Kirk Herbstreit is already touting Sewell as a playmaker after one half of football. Calvin Johnson catches another ball and runs it down the field to score. That one was a 66 yard reception to go with his 54 yard TD touch in the first half. My aerial bombing call is looking pretty solid right now. Where is James Johnson? I thought he would get some more action in this, but he is non-existent. 24-0 Jackets @ 11 minutes to go in the 3rd. Sewell is finally making some completions, and his arm looks better and better. They still can't put anything together and miss a 50+ yarder for three points. GT just fumbled the ball on their own 30 and the Cav's just came up with it. This looks like a blown opportunity, 3 plays, a dropped pass, no yardage. On 4th the Cavaliers go for it and miraculously convert for a TD. Sewell throws for the money. 24-7, which is incidentally my pick for this game exactly. The Yellow Jackets are in cruise control, and unremarkebly running the ball, and the clock. This game is over in their book. With 5 left in the 4th Tech puts in their back up QB. Cav's put up a stop, but then Sewell throws an INT on his own 27 yard line. With 58 seconds left, Tech takes a knee. The curtain closes on this showdown, and The Caned One has this pick nailed. 24-7 Tech wins it.

Some take-away thoughts from the game. Tech's defense looks good, and so does the Cav's rookie passer Jameel Sewell. This game was put away convincinegly in the first half. Calvin Johnson once again showed why he is the man. Reggie Ball came in and showed real poise and made good decisions, and passes. The Virginia ball carriers saw few opportunities, but the ones they did seemed almost to suprise them. I saw at least 5 plays where a catch was made, or a rare hole was opened, and the man with the rock froze on the run. At any rate the game went the way I think everyone thought it would. Goodnight from Murdaville

2006-09-21T16:12:00.000-05:00

NEWS FLASH!

I can't watch the game tonight because I got great seats at Fenway for the showdown between Johan Santana and Josh Beckett. Sorry Thursday night football, free baseball tickets win out here, so one of you other guys stay sober enough to give me a summary tomorrow.

2006-09-21T13:27:00.000-05:00

Young Football Jeezy, the Lee Majors of MillyVegas back with a week of college football that is so goldamn exciting i’m tempted to go rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, internet-shop for dress socks and work on my interpretive dance routines instead of watching any of this shit. But with college football, much like my sex life, you take what you can get SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO LET’S GET TO IT!

First off, Viginia @ Georgia Tech on Thursday night football. Sigh. You know what, I can’t even think of a joke for this game so I’ll lay it out for you straight; It’s Virginia. Yes the same Virginia that barely escaped Wyoming only to get slapped around by Western Michigan. At this point I think a baby deer and a stiff wind could beat Virginia in their home stadium. Virginia is starting a new quarterback, Jameel Sewell and with a run game that’s ranked 117th in the nation, which incidentally is 3 rankings behind that team from Little Giants, he’s going to need to be absolutely perfect if he wants to take down the Jackets at home (engineers are intimidating after a few Zimas). On the other side of the ball, Reggie Ball is a hothead who melts down easily under pressure, but he put up impressive rushing numbers against Troy, a team with a quick defense that had just finished scaring the then 9th ranked Seminoles. I know the Cavaliers are on a three or four game win streak vs. the Jackets but I think that changes Thursday. Look for Ball to move around often early on and open up the pass game to Calvin “Man-Beast” Johnson. I think Tech makes the 17 point spread, but barely.

Now, Penn State at the horseshoe. Columbo-esqe Paterno has an outgunned squad against the Buckeyes at home and as much as I’d like to pick the blue and white, it aint happenin’. The Lions failure to execute mixed with penalties and stupid turnovers overshadow any positive movement they may make on the offensive side. Ohio State makes it a perfect 7-0 at home against ol’ Joe and easily covers the 17 point spread. I’m leaving it at that. You don’t make fun of Joe. That’s like braining puppies with a hammer for fun. You just don’t do it.

Bama at Arkansas. Load up on Doral 100s, put on your best Orange County Choppers shirt, dust off your houndstooth fedora and get ready for yet another agonizingly low scoring SEC West battle between what roughly equates to the two purgatory teams of the conference. I’m guessing that this game will be similar to a three hour long Larry the Cable Guy joke; long winded and incomprehensible with an unsatisfying finish. In fact, I predict that more Alabama natives will watch a re-run of “Two A Days” than tune into this game. When will Goose find love? Anyway, I actually thought this would be one of my upset pics for the week but looking at the line, noone’s really in Bama’s corner on this one. And neither am I. Bama has yet to see a running game like that of the Hogs and their d-line has only racked up 3 sacks in the 3 games and are about as scary as butterflys fucking on top of a rainbow, so Mustaine should have plenty of time in the pocket. The run game takes the pressure off Mustaine and he wins the time of possession battle and the game. I take Arkansas and the spread. I wouldn’t be suprised if the game ended up being 10-6 in favor of the hogs.

And that takes us to Arizona State @ Cal, the ONLY game in which two top 25 teams play each other all week. Honestly, I don’t know a whole lot about either of these programs. In fact, the only thing I’ve seen of either of these teams all season was Cal and their secondary’s embarassing showing at Rocky Top. Originally I wanted to go with home team advantage on this one but after talkin with the Virus, i’ve learned that Cal’s home stadium is about as intimidating as a community theater playhouse so that’s kinda out the window. Also after reading up on the match-up, it’s slated as a “running team”, that would be Cal who was held to 64 yards rushing the last time they faced a ranked team, and a “passing team”, that would be Arizona State which again brings me to the horrendous secondary showing of Cal in their Tennessee debut. Soooo I changed my mind. I’m taking Arizona State on the upset. On the bright side, with Cal out of the top 25 it’ll give the Berkley kids more time to focus on their “Save the Western Dakota Crab Weasel” campaign and shop for new “Not My President” baby-tees and Ani Difranco CDs. Fuckin hippies.

Boston College @ NC State. I’d honestly rather watch six hours of Mario Cantone guest hosting The View while jamming a salad fork in my ear hole than sit through this game butttt if I gotta pick then I give this game to the Golden Eagles. The Carter-Finley stadium advantage is negligible for the Wolfpack as Akron can probably tell you and BC just came off a squeaker victory against Jesus-favored BYU, not to mention the thriller against the underrated Clemson Tigers. The eagles are on a streak right now and I don’t think the wolfpack is the team to stop them. BC easily covers the spread and Doug Flutie’s dick seperates from his body, explodes and blinds Chuck Amato in one eye.

Notre Dame @ Michigan State. Logically, I don’t think Weis gets embarassed twice in a row, and I think Notre Dame has much more talent than the Spartans and once again...I don’t care. My stubborn pick for this week goes to Michigan State. Honestly, I’m so sick of hearing about Weis’ miracle working I’d probably pick against them if they were playing a team made up of Hitler, the Canadian Curling team, the entire cast of Sex and the City, and Ted Bundy. CLICK CLACK!

Lightning Round. Matt Stafford decides to take a break and Richt elects to let Uga VIII take a few snaps behind center. Uga throws 12 for 17 for 164 yards and 3 TDs against the Buffs defense. Loran Smith then relates a story about two squirrels he saw that morning which 20 minutes later ends up as an explanation for why he doesn’t shop at Auto Zone anymore. Dawgs cover the spread.
This may be stupid but no I don’t think Florida covers their spread against the Wildcats. The gators win last week should have been by much more than a point which furthers the notion that this goofy Urban Meyer option Utes bullshit is not as effective as it’s hyped to be. That shit may work against San Diego State and UNLV but not in the SEC. The Wildcats still lose the game because of their ridiculous defense but I think they make a couple great special teams plays and a couple of deep strikes downfield and keep Florida off-balance defensively. Kentucky stays within 17 or 20 of the Gators.
And to wrap up the SEC, I’m throwing my pick to FAU to take out a flailing Spurrier Gamecock squad because...well fuck, why not? Even Wofford had a decent shot at toppling them last week and I STILL don’t know where the hell Wofford is. Blake Mitchell’s done pretending he’s an extra on Roadhouse so maybe that stabilizes the offense but...It’s Spurrier, Fuck him. South Carolina chokes on a 4th quarter game winning touchdown drive, Mitchell gets intercepted and FAU takes the game by 4 points.
In parting, Go Falcons!!!! Now if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to go see If I can find those nude pics of Tiger Woods' wife I keep hearing about on Sportscenter. KINCAIDER NATION LIVES!

2006-09-21T12:59:00.000-05:00

Well here we come to judgment day. I haven’t picked out all the games, but I figured I would throw my Virginia @ GT thoughts out there. It seems as though this should be an easy call since nothing promising is showing out of Virginia, but keep in mind these guys beat FSU and Georgia Tech last year 26-21 and 27-17 respectively. They also lost huge to Virginia Tech, Miami by a lesser margin, even got beat out barely by North Carolina. Some games they bring their war face I guess. A few items I thought were significant:

The defense of Virginia in general, but particularly the secondary. Virginia lost a chunk of their veteran staff last year. Though they weren’t phenomenal, they also weren’t a bunch of noobs either. So far their only severe test came on opening day at the hands of Pitt, and Tyler Palko, which sounds too much like Falco, a la “The Replacements.” If you don’t get the reference, don’t watch the movie, have an aneurism instead. You will enjoy it more. Palko threw for 283yds and 3 TD’s; this all coming with a 77% completion rating. Even worse Pitt didn’t run the ball well at all, so a seemingly one dimensional offense ran amok on the Cav’s D-fence. The feet on Reggie Ball, if they come to play like last week against Troy should keep this defense honest, and give the two Johnson boys some separation. The key here is the D-line.. if they can stuff the run with minimal personnel, and put some licks on Reggie Ball early then this game will be significantly better. Ball has a tendency to get impatient and that might be the key to keeping the score to a manageable level. Pressure Ball, and keep the coverage downfield on the Johnson boys… seems easy enough huh, it would be easier if Cav’s corner Hamilton comes out in top shape.

Virginia’s QB’s are going to have to step up. None one of them, including the SR. Olsen seem quite ready to rely on their arm for points. Count Olsen out, he’s hurt. The newest face Jameel Sewell, who this writer admits to knowing very little about, is getting the start. The running game has gone three weeks of UGLY. Maybe Sewell will be the home defibrillator this Cavalier offense desperately needs. Against a Tech front 7 like they will see tonight, it seems as though the coffin is already nailed on the run game. The Tech secondary is the weaker end by far, but then again without a run game you are going to be too predictable and the Tech pass rush is going to make it even harder.

In all honesty I have to go with Tech here. (pull out your GT starter jacket Mr. Virus, I know you have one.) I like Virginia’s chances, but it requires them to do too much they haven’t shown they can do yet, and requires a STELLAR breakout game for the noob they had to put in at QB. The defense is going to have to come out ready to play, and I mean play hard. Let Calvin, or James Johnson get two steps on you, and give Ball enough time to do his thing and this could be an aerial bombing run mixed with another 100yds rushing by Ball. The Cav’s are going to have to bring their A game in the run department too, and that seems less likely to happen than the defense holding Tech to less than 20. I give this game a 24 – 7 Tech wins.

2006-09-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

All right, looks like I'm first up, giving me 5 straight posts. WHERE MY PEOPLE AT. A few things I want to say, and then on to the picks:

It seems I wasn't clear when I was referring to Jeremy Bloom and NCAA violations before. I absolutely agree with The Caned One that what happened to Jeremy Bloom was ludicrous. They don't give you a check with your gold medal. Also, look at what's happening in Clemson. That one player has to support his brother, and the NCAA approved a trust fund be set up for the kid that players, coaches and regular people can contribute to. Granted, it's for a good cause, but this is just barely not pay for play. In either case, both Bloom and Clemson went to the NCAA first to see if what they were doing or wanted to do was ok. Bloom was denied, so he forfeited his eligibility and didn't cost his university anything. The Clemson player was approved, and he gets to play and keep the money while not hurting his school. Reggie Bush and his family knowingly took money and benefits that were clear NCAA violations, and it may cost his school 2 national titles and cost him a Heisman trophy. I say it may cost them national titles because I know when Jim Harrick got in trouble with the UGA basketball team, they had to forfeit the SEC title they won a few years before. The issue of whether or not college athletes should be paid is a different matter, because when Reggie took the money, he knew he wasn't supposed to. Caned's analogy that we've been drilled for so long to get money, and Reggie was just fulfilling that doesn't hold water because of the hundreds of students who don't take improper benefits because it's against the rules. We've also been taught since childhood that we should follow the rules and stay out of trouble. If Caned's life lesson won out over mine, then every body would be robbing banks all the time, because we care more about the money than following the rules. I'll save my breakdown for how paying college atheletes might work for a later piece, but I just wanted to clarify my position a bit. Was Jeremy Bloom screwed? Of course. The NCAA was being insane when they ruled against him. But $100,000 in improper benefits is a different matter, and Reggie deserves whatever is coming to him. If the institution was involved, they should be forced to forfeit all games he participated in, including the championship games.

Anyway, on to the picks:

1) Penn St. vs. Ohio State. If this game were in Happy Valley instead of the shoe, and if Morelli got hot early, Penn St. could pull this off. Ohio State didn't bring their A game last week against Cincinnati and relied on a fourth quarter bustout to pull away for a misleading final score. I think Ohio State was in a classic sandwich game situation (Cincinnati being between Texas and Penn State), and will be much more prepared for this game. I'll take Ohio State and the points in a rout, sending Joe Paterno home unhappy to his nurse who rattles her keys and gives him some applesauce to make him forget the whole thing. Then he poops his pants.

2) Alabama vs. Arkansas. It's hard to believe this is the most exciting game on the SEC slate this weekend. Alabama is undefeated, but have just crept by a couple of really bad teams. Arkansas hung with USC early, but got run out of the stadium late. This game seriously might end up 3-0 because Alabama has a good defense but an offense weaker than the springs on Charlie Weiss's bed, while Arkansas has a decent offense, but a defense softer than my penis after watching a Don Knotts shit-porn video. I'll take Arkansas for the win and the spread, but only because it's in Arkansas (Man it was hard to avoid making a pun on Houston Nutt's name).

3) Arizona State vs. California. Probably the most intriguing matchup on the board, and I know jack shit about either team except Cal got assraped by an overcharged Tennessee team and Arizona State's head coack Dirk Koetter is 0-10 lifetime in the state of California. I can't decide if I'm more surprised by that record or by the fact that there's an American person actually named Dirk. Until Arizona State proves otherwise, I'm going with the trend (and the fact they've not played anybody worth half a squirt of diarhhea). I'm taking Cal for the win, but Arizona State covers. This feels like a 3 point game.

4) Notre Dame and Michigan State. When I used to gamble, I lost a fucking fortune on Michigan State. They were 6 point favorites over Rutgers with a team that was supposed to score 60 a game, and they lost by 2 touchdowns. -$. Then they play an undefeated Notre Dame team, and ND are only favored by 7. MSU puts a monstrous beatdown on the Irish. -$. They're a different team not only from game to game, but minute to minute. It's like there's a switch somewhere, like in Sri Lanka, that some unsuspecting jackass throws, and MSU is unstoppable. Switch off, and I could beat them with 6 hobos, 3 women, and a paraplegic paranoid schizophrenic as my tailback. I swore I'd never try to pick a game involving MSU again, but if I must, I say Weiss's boys bounce back in East Lansing and easily cover the 3 point spread.

5) Boston College and NC State. I live in Boston and don't give a fuck about this game. BC has pissed me off for 2 straight weeks by winning in double overtime at the noon game slot, either causing me to miss the end, or miss the beginning of a game I really want to see. They play down to the opponent, doing just enough to win, which you can do against Clemson and BYU, but it won't fly for long in the ACC. That, and I fucking hate BC and hate when they win. NC State may be one of the worst teams in the country. If they keep at this pace, Chuck Amato will be saying "Do you want fries with that?" by November. BC wins the game and finally wins in regulation by more than 7.

BONUS PICKS: Florida beats the Wildcats in the swamp, but UK makes it interest and keeps it under the 24 point spread. Urban Meyer and the rest of the Gators then gangbang each other in the locker room for 6 hours and go home to play with their doll collection and masturbate to Abercrombie catalogs.

Georgia lays it's 3 straight shutout down and makes Dan Hawkin's anus tighten in rembrance of the assreaming his Boise State team received courtesy of DJ Shockely and Co. last year. UGA wins big in this one and Dan Hawkins goes home to cry into his smurf-blue pillow and gaze longingly at the picture in his room of his old hideous stadium. Is there any coach in America regretting taking their new job more than Dan Hawkins? He's pretty much guaranteed to go 0-11 or 12 or however many games they play this year and he has little in the way of prospects for the future. 3 years before he's at home on Saturdays beating off to "Barnyard Love 8."

And for tonight's game, UVA owns GA Tech. 3 in a row and 4 out of 5. Al Groh has Chan Gailey's nuts in a grip so tight Chan is singing 3 octaves higher right now. Tech reverses that tonight and wins the game big, especially since Virginia is so bad there's no way Reggie Ball can fuck the game up. Reggie Ball and Calvin Johnson have huge games and then go home and cuddle together while watching "My Best Friend's Wedding." I guarantee you will hear Calvin Johnson's name at least 50 times tonight. Somebody who's bored count. The ESPN crews think he's the second coming of Xenu or something.

The gauntlet is down.

2006-09-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

Alright boys, it's time to get geared up for the weekend. We're over the hump and Saturday is in sight so below are the 5 games we'll be picking both straight up and against the spread, along with a couple of others of interest. For those of you unfamiliar with the nomenclature, the favorite will be marked by a negative number, indicating that if you pick them, they must win by more than that many points. If you take the dog, your team can lose the game, but just not by more than the number indicated. Your straight up win pick obviously doesn't have to match your spread pick. Lines are taken from an online sports book. Home team is listed second.

Onto the lines:

1) Penn State
Ohio State -17

2) Alabama
Arkansas -1.5

3) Arizona State
California -7.5

4) Notre Dame -3
Michigan State

5) Boston College -7
NC State

2 SEC bonus games that count for nothing, but I want your input on:

Kentucky
Florida -24

Colorado
Georgia -27

Feel free to throw in any other games that look interesting to you, but only the 5 numbered above will count. The rest are just for gloating.

I want to get started with Thursday night's game,

Virginia
Georgia Tech -17

Who you got, how much you got em by, and why. Consider this one a warm up.

All picks should be posted by midnight Thursday, except, obviously, the Thursday night pick. Just do that whenever.

The Jeezy's got the strong intuition, the Virus has the knowledge, and The Caned one, well, let's just see what he's got.

2006-09-20T07:12:00.000-05:00

Dear Sooner Nation:

SHUT THE FUCK UP. Jesus fucking christ, it's one game at the beginning of your season. As I've pointed out before, I didn't see the end of the game because I wasn't aware it switched networks, but I've seen the main play in question (the onside kick) and I have a few things to point out.

1) Oregon was kicking the ball. This means they had already scored a touchdown. The Sooner defense could have stopped them then, but didn't.

2) It was an onside kick recovery, not a touchdown, so far as I know. So Oregon still had to drive the ball down the field in order to score the touchdown that led to them taking the lead. Again, the Sooner defense could have stopped them, but didn't.

3) Oklahoma had a chip shot field goal (33 yards) as time expired to win, AND HAD IT BLOCKED. You have to put that square on the kicker, because a 33 yard field goal should never have a low enough trajectory to get blocked. Manute Bol shouldn't have been able to block that kick.

Not only are the refs and replay officials suspended, but they're getting death threats from angry fans. Now, I'm a very very serious college football fan, and I take my Dawgs very seriously, but the only way I'd send a death threat is if Spurrier or Fullmer punched Mark Richt in the face. Of course everybody knows Mark Richt is a T-1000 sent from the future to bring home a BCS title to Georgia so the punch would go right through his liquid metal face and he'd snap their arms off at the socket (yes, I watched Terminator 2 last night), but that's about it.

Here's the thing: BAD CALLS HAPPEN. Any Georgia fan out there not remember the phantom Jasper Sanks goal line fumble that cost UGA the Georgia Tech game? The Caned One has already referenced the bogus pass interference call in the national title game a few years ago that may have cost the 'Canes a championship.

Here's the bigger thing. Has replay helped this at all? NO. All replay does is slow down the game, and they only get the calls right about 60% of the time, which seems worse than before because now they're overturning calls they got right the first time around. Look, sports are imperfect, and we need to accept that. The human error factor is a huge part of football (that's why we track INTs and fumbles) and until we design robots who can completely define exactly what holding or pass interference is, we're going to be stuck with the occasional bad call, and some iffy ones as well. Replay hasn't helped that one bit. We now have fewer plays that actually happen on the field, because we want to make sure the ones that do happen are called correctly. Well, it's not working. And on top of that, they wont' scrap the system because it was so expensive to implement. There's no way to fix it because if I understood right, the replay official (or referee, I can't remember which) only had 1 camera angle and was viewing on a 14 inch screen. How is that superior to 5 guys spread all over the field seeing it in real life, in real size? And for fuck's sake, can we stop reviewing the spot of a ball? We waste about 15 minutes in every game reviewing precisely where the ball was when the player's knee hit, and it's rarely a difference of more than a yard. Blood starts shooting out of my ears when they review a touchdown and rule him down at the 1 millimeter line, only to have the offense punch it in on the next play. We don't need precision. Football isn't always a game of inches.

And now for the shame game. Pat Forde wrote a brilliant piece about this debacle on ESPN.com and I encourage everybody to read it. Shame on the University President at Oklahoma and shame on Bob Stoops. The University president is actually calling for the game to be banished from the record books because of the officiating. Why is this any of the president's business? Forde rightly points out that he should be managing the rest of his univeristy and not focusing so much of his energy on the football program. That's the job of the athletic director. Of course, this is the school whose president once said he wanted to develop a school the football team could be proud of. And double shame on Bob Stoops for still carrying this around and threatening to pull out of the game against Washington next year. Bob, you were going to lose at some point this year. That QB you have is borderline atrocious, and Texas is going to hand your ass to you in a few weeks. This only delayed the inevitable. You were never going to win a title with this team, and though it's still possible, you weren't even going to win a conference title. Don't go on TV and say you're not whining when that's exactly what you're doing. Of course, what else would you expect from a Spurrier protege. Spurrier cried and whined more at Florida than a hungry baby with a shit-filled diaper, and it appears he's instilled that ethic into his former assistants.

So the Fuck Off And Get a Life Award of the week goes to: Sooner Nation. Get. Over. It.

I'm gonna close with a quote from Pat Forde's column. Here's the link, for those who want to read it in its entirety (almost all my sources were culled fromt this article):
Forde Yard Dash

"If the scoreboard says you lost, you lost. That's not going to change. Take an hour to vent postgame, then try to regain your sanity. Do not diminish your quality of life -- and the quality of life of those around you -- by spewing for days about the refs who cheated your team, the flagrant league bias against your team or the complete lack of class displayed by the team that beat your team. Your team l-o-s-t. Try to deal."

2006-09-19T12:22:00.000-05:00

I was going to make this a comment on the post, but it got too long. This is what happens when you have a boring job:

Wow, Severely Caned is wrong a lot. Have F-Jeezy tie your arm off before you shoot up to post next time. Jeremy Bloom is the skier you're referencing, and the reason he was denied NCAA eligbility (after playing for a few years at Colorado) is because in order to continue to ski, he needed endorsement deals. With the NCAA, you can be a pro in any sport except the sport you play in college (See: Chris Weinke, Crackhead - er Quincy Carter, and Jeff Samarjajf;afjleijl;ija...all pro baseball players who played football in college, but never baseball, so they still had all their years of academic eligibility left), the only thing (well, there are a ton of things, ask Maurice Clarett and Reggie Bush, but this is the big one) you can't do is take endorsements, regardless of what sport the endorsement is for, and you really can't ski without endorsements, since there's not a lot of dough for going down a mountain really fast on two sticks. That's also why you never see a player on the cover of an NCAA video game unless they've graduated already. Bloom didn't enter the draft, but recently signed a 4-year deal with the Eagles, and is currently on injured reserve. On the bright side for him, he apparently finished 9th in the Olympics on the Moguls, whatever the hell they are (thanks ESPN.com).

Also, Oklahoma was almost unbeatable in the early 2000's, as evidenced by their national title, and only didn't get a second one because they caught a hot LSU team at the wrong time, and ran right into a USC buzzsaw (by the way, who did Miami play for their title? A Nebraska team that just got shellacked by Colorado and didn't even win their own conference?). Since they lost their 6th year senior, Jason White, who inexplicably won a Heisman trophy, it's been downhill ever since. They're tied for most BCS title game appearances with USC. If they had a decent QB this year, they'd be the odds on favorite to win the title, since they have every other piece in place (though I think Adrian Peterson is overrated, but that's for another post).

And Reggie Bush, wow. Can you imagine being an Auburn fan right now? If they strip USC of the title they won that year, who does it go to? Auburn was also undefeated, along with whoever USC assraped in the title game (was it Oklahoma?), so it seems a little unfair to toss it to the runner up just because the BCS computers didn't know dick, but there's really no other way to do it. Auburn finished #2 in the standings after the season ended, but how can you give them the title if they weren't in the championship game? I really want nothing more than for Reggie to drag the whole USC program down with him and cause an even bigger controversy with the BCS and how to retroactively handle the title. We all need to be rescued from the BCS as soon as possible. I hope 8 teams go undefeated this year and all those computers explode. Anyway...

But Miami does suck. A whole lot. Like, it's getting sad to watch. Watching Miami is like getting a hummer from Paris Hilton: boring, mechanical, passionless, coked up, and a little scary because you're not sure that gonorrhea can't be transmitted through oral sex. Maybe there's a question our mentally challenged Miami fan can answer.

2006-09-19T11:53:00.000-05:00

Quick update, apparently there's no permanent damage to Pollack, no damage to the spinal cord, and he has full feeling in all his extremities. He's expected to make a full recovery without surgery, but has been placed on injured reserve, so is out for the year. Good luck David, and get well soon.

Source: ESPN.com

2006-09-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

Ok ok, just quick retorts while i'm sober. Were neither of you guys near a television set with ESPN? Cuz I DID see the last part of the Oklahoma/Oregon game and either it was on ESPN, ESPN2, or all the cheap beer i've ingested has created a John-Travolta-Phenomenon-esque tumor in my skull that bestows magical powers upon me. I hate to say it since I did pick the Ducks in that game but those referees shouldn't be suspended so much as they should be forced to let Sooner fans put out lit cigarettes on their genitalia for the next week and a half. Here's the thing, they shortened college football, the only thing on this planet I would pass up sex for, to make room for the new video review bullshit that makes the NFL so damn annoying nowadays and what do you know...not only did the system fail but it failed in such a way that it cost a better team a game that without those calls they would have won. True, Oklahoma had a chance to take the lead back and win the game but blew it on that blocked kick, but they should have never been put in that situation. Don't get me wrong, I'm no sooner fan. I wouldn't step foot across the Oklahoma border if Natalie Portman was swimming nude in a pool filled with bacon and Pabst Blue Ribbon, buttttt they should have won the game. Plain and simple. The two RIDICULOUS calls, which were both reviewed and allowed anyway were the stupidest thing a referee has done since Mills Lane decided it would be a good idea to get a courtroom TV Show. If those refs are that incompetent than good riddance. I can't imagine a team out there that would want those guys calling their game. The NCAA really needs to scrap this video review crap before the greatest thing America has going for it gets just as aggravating and boring to watch as the NFL or Arena Football. Hell, I say let's extend the game to 14 hours, let the players use flamethrowers and ninja stars, and put all that money you saved by pawning those video review machines into research for a way to make college football an aphrodisiac to women. Problem solved.
As far as Reggie Bush is concerned, he should have his heisman stripped for making those ridiculous Diet Pepsi commercials. He and his New Orleans offense are going to have much bigger problems then oversized trophies if John Abraham gets healthy for next week. I might even make it all the way through that game without falling asleep. And Johnboy, I have to agree with you about Cold Pizza. Will someone PLEASE bring Kenny Mayne back to ESPN? I know he needs work, i see his insurance commercials eight times a day. You're slippin sportscenter.

2006-09-19T11:09:00.000-05:00

With about 15 minutes to my Cost Accounting class to go, I figure I might as well have my coming out party. There were a lot of things this weekend that caused me to chuckle, caused me to yell, and finally cry a lot.. I mean a lot.

I laughed 1st when Miami danced on the Louisville logo before the game, and laughed even harder when we scored on the Cards early in the 1st quarter. I started yelling at about 10 minutes into the game when it suddenly dawned on me that the Canes were about to get their asses handed to them like a sex offender in general lock-up. For the LOVE OF GOD, can we please get serious about how we are going to play the game. It seems as though Coker is spending too much time bluffing poker hands in online games to bother figuring a way to come at his opponents. The new offensive coaching staff seems to have brought the same 4 play battle plan as their predecessors. The team has got some speed, but baby smurf under center just doesn't have the field vision to do anything intelligent with the rock. The line better buck up and open some holes for Tyrone Moss or its going to be a long time before Miami wins a game. In comes the defense, or lack there of I should say. Year in, Year out Miami and Randy Shannon manage to put together a tough, quick, playmaking defense, but this year... I think the defensive squad all became pacifists or something. I saw so many plays where instead of pounding the ball carrier for a loss, they flung themselves with outstretched arms, frantically trying to grasp some jersey and hang on for the ride. WHAT THE HELL!!! HIT THAT BITCH!!! this is football, the pads aren't to make you look bigger you candy asses. Wipe the vaseline off your hands and start tackling. 31 points is unacceptable. I know you guys were out there for most of the game since the offense sucks, but I never saw any effort even early on. I cried at the end when I realized that in all my vanity and howling laughter for the first 5 minutes ended with complete and total, jaw-dropping, disgrace.

Next up was the Oregon vs OK game. The virus already let the Fuck You's fly to ABC for dropping the ball on game coverage, but did the referee's really deserve all the flack? I was a little suprised to learn that they were suspended for a game. I mean come on. In the history of football you mean mistakes haven't been made by officiating crews? They are only human, old humans too. Give the guy with the bumb knee and creeping senility a break. Play your ass off, and maybe you can win. I could bring up some bonehead calls fromt he OSU vs. Miami title game from a years back, but you don't want to hear about all that. Its the same story. Piss and Moan if you wish, but it won't change the fact that you lost, and to be honest the sooners have been licking taint sweat since the early nineties anyway.

Finally Reggie Bush.... If they take your heisman away it will be the biggest FUBAR since OJ was aquitted, Brett Butler and the pine tar incident, and Pete Rose got the boot. So you made a little dough on the side. Isn't that what our capitalist and materialistic society has been pumping down our throats since we were just shorties? Can't fault that, or the fact that the money didn't make him the phenomenal athelete he is. You want to talk about some serious injustice, lets look at the kid who just got the boot from college ball because he is also a skier and competed in a professional ski something or other. I seriously doubt those long sticks on his feet gave him an unfair advantage in the world of college football.

ps. skip bayliss sucks.... cold pizza pretty much sucks, so do the braves.

2006-09-19T07:29:00.000-05:00

I'd like to pour one out on the curb for Erk Russell, an old-school hardnosed sumbitch of a defensive coordinator who was instrumental in establishing success at two Georgia football powerhouses: UGA and Georgia Southern. Erk passed away after a car accident before the South Carolina game, and I hope Willie Martinez is using Erk's legacy as a sparkplug for that defense, because they've not given up a point since his death. Erk is a legend in Georgia athletics, and will be sorely missed.

Also, everybody send your good thoughts to one of the most beloved Georgia players in recent memory, perhaps second all time to Herschel, David Pollack, who suffered a broken neck. I don't know the details, but I'm assuming it happened in Sunday's game. It's heartbreaking to think of someone I watched play with such passion and enthusiasm for four years braced up in a hospital bed. I don't know what the prognosis is except he's out for the year, but join me in wishing him a speedy recovery and a return to the field to continue what was beginning to look like a very promising career.

I hope there won't be too many updates like this, but these two legends of Georgia football should be memorialized here, and should be in our thoughts when they suffer injuries as severe as David Pollack has. Glory glory boys.

2006-09-18T14:24:00.000-05:00

A quick thought while riding on the bus today:

IF Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino lined up on one goal line and took off running in a 100-yard dash at the same time Mike Gottfried started to recite the alphabet, who would finish first?

TRICK QUESTION!

Mark Mangino dies at his own 30 lard line, Weis makes it to opponent's territory but is struck by lightning because Touchdown Jesus does not like to have the opposition hang 40 on the domers, and Mike Gottfried forgets what he's doing somewhere around "F" and tells a story about a sandwich he ate one time at a diner that lasts for 8 hours and has 100 words in it.

And since we seem to have an unhealthy obsession with obesity and man-tits on this blog, I want to point out that Philip Fulmer is starting to sport a pretty sexy set of manmaries lately. If Tennessee and Notre Dame played, I'd have to change the channel when the coaches jog to midfield after the game, especially if one had a gatorade bath beforehand.

Hey! Who wants to have a wet T-shirt contest with some of these coaches! We can print a calendar and then sandpaper our eyes out of our head. I'm really just hoping that the image of Charlie Weiss running in slow motion drenched in gatorade has at least one person reaching for a trashcan so he toss his breakfast. Then I'll know we've made a difference.

2006-09-18T11:22:00.000-05:00

Larry Coker expresses his inner anguish with an impromptu accapella version of Clay Aiken's "Measure of a Man".

DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK! It's young F-Jeezy with the Rugged V for a review of this week's action, or at least the shit I can remember which, honestly, ended somewhere around the 8th High Life tallboy. Anyway. This weekend was so sweet I'm actually dusting off my 1998 Michigan Wolverine Rose Bowl shirt. I’m not sure if they won the 98 Rose Bowl or why I even own the shirt in the first place but that’s not the point. The point is I start off my blogging career with a perfect 6 for 6 game call record. Granted I didn't come near any of my point spreads but it's kind of hard to call those sorts of things when half the games touted to be the nailbiters of the evening turned into 3 hour powerhouse bloodbaths. Whichhhh of course brings me to....the Hurricanes.

That's right folks, the mighty Cane dynasty has fallen, failing to be ranked for the first time since Larry Coker was capable of a substance-free erection. But fear not Canes fans, there something bright on the horizon in South Beach and no it's not a footshaped gas pedal for your Iroc-Z or a blowout sale on silk dress shirts, I'm talking of course of the fact that Mumra the Everliving, Larry Coker himself, has finally signed his departure papers. And it's only 3 years too late. I say dump every single member of that coaching staff, give it a year or two for some new recruits and new staff growing pains, and you guys will be stealing car stereos in celebration again in no time.

And nowwww the Bowden Bowl. I had a feeling this would come down to whether Bobby Bowden's crew had finally figured out which endzone was theirs. Luckily the defense remembered. Twice. On the plus side, with a kick record like that, that twinkletoed Clemson kid has a bright future in Atlanta to look forward to in a couple of years. But the Tigers do pull the upset and Bobby Bowden’s hopes at hoisting a national championship trophy above his head one last time fade faster than Mark Mangino’s hopes of ever seeing his penis again. Sorry slugger.

Charlie Wies is FAT!

I know everyone’s expecting me to get all high and mighty about my Notre Dame (That’s NOR-trah DAY-m Flutie. Go back to Canada where people other than a handful of Golden Eagle grads actually remember you and take your grammar lessons with you chief) pick and how I was right all along about how overrated they were and those people would be absolutely right. BRING OUT THE SOAPBOX BOYS CUZ I...FUCKING...TOLD....YOU....SO. Jesus Jumpin Christo Quinn, I’ve seen more exciting matches on Celebrity Poker Showdown. Michigan was up by three scores before Notre Dame could even figure out how to move the ball 10 yards! Buck up Weis, now that your title hopes are shot you’ll have more room on your mantle for your Fried Snickers Eat-a-Palooza cup. Better luck next year horsetits. I know it’s a couple of days early but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Lloyd Carr’s Spartan neighbors pick up where his boys left off and lay a 265 point beating on the Irish.

LIGHTNING ROUND! I was slightly suprised at Florida’s squeaker in Knoxville but again Ainge proved that when the pressure is on he’s really damn good at throwing the ball to the other team. How does that line from It’s a Wonderful Life go? "Everytime a Volunteer team gets their heart broken in their home stadium, some guy in a trailer park somewhere loses a finger"...something like that, I was never a Stewart fan. And on the topic of SEC I’m still not sure whether Auburn is a better team or Jamarcus Russel just has no depth perception. Someone out there needs to remind that jackass how a hail mary works. Who the fuck throws the ball 5 yards short of the end zone for a last second game winner? Andddd on a random note, congratulations are in order for Mississippi State for scoring their first points of the season and STILL losing to Tulane putting them neck and neck with the Colorado Buffalos who blew their season opener against Montana State, a team made up of two janitors, a hobo named Patches, a crosseyed ranchhand and a decrepit sheepdog named Dusty, for the title of the absolute worst team in the NCAA. See you in a couple days.

2006-09-18T09:38:00.000-05:00

Ralph here, the reason to the Jeezy's rhyme, checking in with a review of what went on over this big time weekend. I'll be making picks in the future, but since the blog was launched during halftime of the noon game, I didn't exactly have time to get anything coherent together. On to the recap.

1) The most important team to this pair of bloggers, the Georgia Bulldogs, roll out a second straight shutout. Yeah, it was UAB, but still, 12 points in 3 games is pretty respectable, especially when one of the opposing coaches was the old ball darth visor too many fucking nicknames whiny-ass Steve Spurrier. There are few things more gratifying than seeing Spurrier try to yank his headphones off and end up with his visor yanked down over his eyes. He can't seem to remember that there's nothing on the top of a visor to keep it from going down over his face. I guess that's why he coached at Florida and South Carolina, so he could relate to his players on an intellectual level.

In any case, Stafford was solid again, threw another interception, and basically just didn't mess up too badly. Can he hang with a defense like Florida or Auburn? I don't think so yet. Maybe after he walks over Colorado he'll get some more decent experience.

2) One more chance to bust Spurrier's balls, South Carolina 27 - Wofford 20. I guess Smelley needs more grooming before he's the future of that club. All 3 of the Carolina faithful will be glad to see Brawling Blake Mitchell under center next week.

3) What the hell Notre Dame? I mean, what the hell? Jeezy called it, I'll give that to him, right down to the 3 INT line on Quinn (which I think I told him on the phone), but holy god. Charlie Weiss hasn't taken it up the ass that bad since he had to break up with Tom Brady to take the Notre Dame job. Kudos to the wolverines and their statue of a head coach for just a brilliant beat down.

4) When someone can explain Michigan State to me, I'd be more than willing to listen.

5) The Auburn - LSU game was BRUTAL to watch. I said at the beginning it might be 6-3, but I didn't want to be right. And why are people so high on Jamarcus Russell? Just because you can throw it really far doesn't mean you can throw it to someone, especially someone wearing the same jersey as you. For a guy with a cannon, he throws one of the worst deep balls I've ever seen. Randy Moss can't catch the shit he chucking downfield. If it wasn't for the defense, LSU would have shit and nothing as their options for winning games. For Auburn, the defense was ferocious, but again, Jamarcus Russell. The offense did just enough, Irons was solid and that QB stayed composed. Impressive performance by the now #2 Tigers.

6) Tennessee - Florida: Urban Meyer is a fucking idiot. Yes, he won the game, but he is going to get Chris Leak killed if he keeps trying to run option with him. The only bigger dumbass was John Chavous, Tennessee's defensive coordinator. Every damn time Tim Tebow came on the field, he ran a quarterback draw, and every damn time, he gained yardage. Even after the 6th run, Tennessee couldn't figure this strategy out. Meyer brings him in on 4th down, and I'd say the whole stadium knew he was running, but it is Tennessee, and they were probably wondering what kind of magic Urban Meyer was using to keep shifting his QB from black to white, but the whole world knew it was a run AND FUCK IF HE DIDN'T GET A FIRST DOWN. Also, 2 TD passes, both on the same pass play. I thought this Tennessee defensive coordinator was supposed to be one of the best in the country? Urban Meyer ran a pop warner style offense, and Tennessee was too fucking dumb to match them. Also? Erik Ainge. 1st pass. INT. He's a junior UT fans, so you've got 1 more year of this.

7) Bowden Bowl. FSU really sucks. Really, really sucks. Defense and special teams are all they have. I wonder if Bobby calls Mark Richt in the middle of the night sobbing, begging him to come back.

8) Tx Tech and TCU - Who fucking cares? But Tx Tech held to 3 points? That's impressive. So let's all forget about this.

9) Oregon and Oklahoma. What the fuck happened? My station took me away from this game with 6 minutes left and OK up 10. ORE somehow scores 14 points in 3 minutes and then blocks a fucking kick? Are you kidding me? Fuck you ABC. Eat shit and die.

10) USC and Nebraska - Everybody raise your hand if you picked Nebraska. Now go kill yourself, because you're too stupid to live. Jeezy only off by 1 point in his assessment here.

To wrap it up, Brady Quinn was my Heisman guy until I saw Steve Slaton again last Thursday. Holy shit. Adrian Peterson is not the best back in the country, I don't care what anybody says. I thought Slaton might break 400 if they left him in. That WVU offense is unstoppable. If they had a defense, they might be worth a shit.

Parting shot: to Miami: YOU FUCKING SUCK. 31-7???? FIRE LARRY COKER TODAY. I could win 10 games with the talent he has. The year he wont the title, they could have coached themselves, and probably would have won by more. Larry Coker is a fucking idiot who can't coach for shit. Call Denny Ericksson at Idaho. I'm sure he'd be willing to leave the land of potatoes behind to come back to South Beach. What's Butch Davis up to these days? Hell, I'll take the job. A retarded monkey could win more games than Larry Coker.

2006-09-16T13:14:00.000-05:00

It's seperation saturday. Or segregation saturday...or saturatio....point being, if you're even slightly heterosexual then grab some miller high life, throw a couple kit kats in a bag of cheetos, punch your girlfriend in the stomach, and get ready for some g-damn foozball. We got wolverines, overweight coaches, 4 of the teams I hate the most from the SEC trying to kill each other, and of course Oregon unveiling their newest ecstasy-friendly fashion shart.
First off let's get to the SEC because honestly, who really gives a shit about anyone else. Objections? Anyone? Illinois? Colorado? (I was just informed by the way that Colorado even HAD a team...that's adorable). Ok no objections. Ok first off, the two teams most deserving of a spring break STD outbreak, Florida and Tennessee. Ok ok, seriously? Two words... Air Force. AIR....FORCE. If Tennessee proved anything on their opening stunner against Cal, it wasn't that they were a force to be reckoned with, it was that the BCS computers are spending more time looking up animal porn for Bobby Bowden than they are picking worthwhile teams for the top 10. Congrats Tennessee, you managed to beat this year's equivalent of what you were last year, the most overhyped joke in the league. If Ainge is supposed to save your program than you guys are in for a couple years of hilarious dissapointment. I wouldn't have faith in Eric Ainge to successfully change my oil, which ironically is probably what he'll end up doing after he blows another couple of seasons for Fulmer. This game starts with a quick strike by Tennessee fizzles out into a 2 quarter back and forth and then erupts into a gator beat down that leaves Phillip Fulmer in fetal position in his shower desperately wishing that Peyton Manning would come back and give him and his pathetic program a much needed reach-around. Word to the wise Fulmer, you might want to turn your head and cough before you hit the field because Urban Meyer is going to be the third coach in the last handful of years to lead you and your team around by the short and curlies. OWNAGE! Rocky Top can eat a dick, Florida by 13.
NEXT! Auburn and LSU. True, Tommy Tuberville DOES look like that gay scout leader who gave innapropriate hugs at the troop meetings, but his tigers look (and it hurts me more than you know to say this) absolutely unstoppable this year. Kenny Irons, aside from winning the award for name best suited for a pop-country star, is inhuman when it comes to running the ball. In fact, the rest of the Auburn Tigers could probably win even if they showed up out of their minds on peyote. LSU might have an answer early for Irons, but after three quarters of football, global warming will finally take it's toll and the LSU defense will die of heat exhaustion trying to chase Irons around (Fuckin' Al Gore). Jamarcus Russell on the other hand will do what he does best, look shaky in the first quarter, settle for the second and then throw a couple of game changing interceptions in the third and fourth that seal the deal for Auburn. Auburn takes the game by a touchdown and goes on to represent the SEC West. Auburn by 7.
NEXXXXXT! THE BATTLE OF THE OVERRATEDS! Michigan and Notre Dame. The least intimidating rodent in the animal kingdoms' namesake drag their happy asses into the house that Weiss' man-tits built and take on pretty boy Quinn and his army of unpronouncable cohorts. Where the fuck do they find these guys? Notre Dame's roster looks like someone ate the alphabet and projectile shat it on the back of these kid's jerseys. I'm not going to lie to you, I haven't seen too much of Michigan, because honestly...it's Michigan. I do know that Vanderbilt gave them a little bit of a tussle the first half of that season opener. Vanderbilt. One more time. Vanderbilt. That being said, Notre Dame is the most overated team in the top 5 as of right now. Give me one good reason they should be in the top 5. I'll give you a minute. Yeah I didn't think so. Just because your coach can eat his own weight in slim jims doesn't give you an instant pass into the elite. They had one good game last year and they didn't win. THEY DIDN'T WIN! And you can keep the bullshit "they really did win though, it was a bad call" because you know what...they didn't. They DID....NOT.....WIN. And I can show you the score to prove it. Beating up on Joe Paterno doesn't prove anything except that you're mean. That's like being proud that you punched your grandmother in the mouth. You beat the walking dead and his overrated old-glory team. Hoorah. Let's all dust off our copies of Rudy and beat off. Anyway, where was I. I'm going for the upset in this game just because I hate Notre Dame. I know it's in South Bend. I know Michigan has been at the receiving end of a 5 year ass rape at the hands of Dame and I don't care. Michigan puts pressure on Quinn, Quinn has his inevitable 3 or 4 interception melt-down and the wolverines pull it out by a field goal in the waning minutes of the fourth. RUDY RUDY RUDY!
USC and Nebraska. Seriously. Seriously?! Maybe Booty melts down and hands it to them...but I doubt it. I mean how can you even root for a team called the corn huskers? Who the fuck is afraid of corn? The only corn i fear are the pointy pieces of it that ruin my 20 minute meditation time in the morning. USC runs circles around the Huskers and Nebraska fans go back to their second favorite hobby, counting cars on the interstate and reminiscing about when they used to be a good team. USC handles the cornholes by 17.
Louisville at Miami. Ohhhhhh Miami. When are Canes fan going to snap out of their cocaine induced insanity and fire that Skeletor looking cockzit Coker? I guess you can't totally blame Canes fan, they're a little too busy satisfying their parole requirements to worry about the slow decay of their little powerhouse. Hell, I could be a better offensive coordinator for the Canes at this point. Here's a little preview of what's going to happen today. Tyrone Moss will run on first down. Then he'll run on second down. Then, if they have more than 5 yards to cover for the first, they run Gregg Olson into the flat and Kyle Wright tries to get it to him before someone stuffs his 3 foot 8 ass into the turf. Mix that gameplan in with an occasional attempt downfield and one or two 10 yard completions to people who AREN'T named Gregg Olson and you have the hurricane offensive system in a nutshell. Kyle Wright is supposed to be a first round pick?! My prediction; Wright and Dorsey compare barbed wire tattoos while they wait third string on some NFL team noone cares about for the next 10 years. That being said, Miami always seems to impress when people are sure they're going to get their ass handed to them ANDDDDD Louisville's heisman hopeful (that just sounds ridiculous) did break his leg in the first game ANDDDDDDDDDD the last time Miami took a road trip as an underdog Mike Vick's gangbangin brother got left crying in his room to his Soulja Slim albums. BUT! I still think Louisville's speed and homefield advantage get the better of the Canes and they take the game by a touchdown. Let me just say this. This pick is more of an intervention than anything. Canes fans need to realize that the BEST thing they can do for their program right now is to lose this game and get rid of that wrinkly old testicle on the sidelines and get a real coach that can handle such a high expectation program. That's not a head coach, that's a cry for help.
Shit. I'm tired of typing so i'll make these quick. Oregon beats up on Oklahoma because the sight of their uniforms in motion induces violent vomiting and siezures in the Sooner team. Bobby Bowden and Tommy Bowden agree on a tie and have incestous man-love sex on the 50 yard line before the ground opens up and giant flaming bats carry them off to the third level of hell. That's the "Who Gives a Fuck" level if anyone was wondering. Texas Tech and TCU all realize that noone gives a jewel encrusted shit about them and all commit mass suicide. THE END!
Now if you guys don't mind, I need to rub one out really quick before the sight of Lee Corso in another ridiculous outfit makes me impotent for the rest of the week. Hopefully I'll be good and hammered by the time Lou Holtz drops another gem of wisdom on his half time talks and laughs like a retarted 9 foot woman. And remember folks, i'm not an expert, I just talk louder than you. GO DAWGS!